I'm not there yet....but i'm close. I woke up a little while ago from a horrible nightmare. Its just a manifestation of the realization I came to just now. ive been lying to myself all this time
I've lost my passion for life. I don't really take pleasure in anything anymore...sans maybe going out and partying, and I believe all that really is in an escape from my reality and the reason i enjoy it. It gives me a reason to not think about my problems for the moment
I try to get motivated and get myself out of my rut, which has been a greater part of the last 16 months, but i'll try to push through and push through and my mindset doesn't change. I think about the past constantly and horrible thoughts and images flood my head daily and deflate me emotionally. I can't even function or really smile many days. I don't do this consciously but often emotional anchors trigger these emotions and they develop into this negative feedback loop. My self esteem and confidence fluctuate on a daily basis. I've never felt so worthless despite other people trying to boost me up. They tell me i'm smart, charming,funny, good looking and a good person. i have a hard time believing any of it subconciously anymore.
I've tried so hard to change the negative thoughts in my mind..by reading books on positive thinking/the subconcious, cognitive thinking etc and none of it has stuck. I really doubt my ability to do anything correctly anymore. my family is really worried, and i feel like they seem me as a failure.
I've been lying to myself that i'm over the betrayal of my ex using me, cheating me and lying to me after i saved her life amongst other things i did for. I meet alot of new women, but that feeling doesn't change. I have such a fascade bullshit emotional wall up that i can't even connect with anybody, sans 1-2 girls that i've completely self sabotaged. I'm not even talking about relationships, but having any real type of interpersonal interaction. I put up this huge front in front of everyone that i'm happy, strong confident and feeling great, particularly new people, but im not. I'm not intimate with as many girls as i want be/can, because im afraid of getting hurt. I'm emotionally detached, but not at the same time. i can't even describe it. im a fuckin mess
My career confidence is at its absolute lowest after the mortgage meltdown and i have no fuckin clue what i want to do with my life anymore. Going back to school is just stopping the bleeding, which is another mess that im trying to fix. I don't even feel the full motivation to go back and really get into classes, although ive been pushing through. Getting a job outside the industry has been more than rough to say the least, and im running out of money. Almost all mortgage people are pretty much black balled in this city.
I've tried to write down my goals as layingback suggested and many of the books ive read have indicated..and i feel nothing. very little inspiration as well as an internal feeling of "i can't do it". Sorta like i feel i'll never be happy again or acheive the success i want
You think after almost a year and a half, i could get over this bullshit...but i underestimated what a serious betrayal and financial collapse can do to your mind or self esteem. I still feel like it happened yesterday, or it still occuring. there is no separation of time. I almost feel like i can't recover from it. I feel weak not being able to overcome this and sound like a broken record. I am sorry for subjecting you guys to this
All this time i've just run away from it. I keep my mind busy by meeting new girls or drinking or smoking or whatever. There are times where i'll be laughing, having a good time and forget about things but its only temporary. Even my motivation in the gym isnt really that powerful anymore, which is scary...I just try to train and eat enough as to not deteroiate back to when i left myself go..instead of progressing forward. I just lack consistency and will power...and no matter what i do it doesnt change what i feel. I don't even smoke weed or do drugs really anymore and stopping that has not helped one bit. i just feel worse.
I feel like someone needs to hypnotize me or something. fuck. I wish i could just unlearn every behavior and core belief i've ever developed.
again im sorry for making you read rant, i just feel like shit and alone. its very trying to try to put your head down and push through and not feel a purpose or satisfaction
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I have big kid payments on my items but Im actually going to be working in M&A soon.
