Distance in dating

[chesty]

or attempting to.

When I was dating my ex wife many moons ago, I would drive 1300 miles one way every weekend just to see her for 12 hours or so before I would have to leave to get back to base. I did this for almost 8 months before I was stationed closer and still had a 200 mile drive every weekend.

Well as you know we were together for 17 years before it went bust. I thought it was worth it.

Now here we are 17 years later with technology and such that lets you contact people thousands of miles away. And with air travel so cheap one could literally see someone almost as much as if they were in the same zip code.

I have a couple of friends that dated across the country and one in Denmark and it worked out for them. And mine worked out for the most part.

So, my question is this:

How much would that factor into your consideration to attempt it or not?

Would you at least try?

I asked because I have been faced with this and I want to do what's right and not be selfish just because it can be done.

I have the dedication and the means to do it, but is it fair to someone else even if they are willing?

 

[theoak01]

id think you would have to be friends first for it to work out and have built pretty good trust between you two

 

[-SD-]

Do it with the understanding that she doesnt have to keep up with you as far as spending the money and time to visit you, since you have the means and all. Tell her you want to see her and spending the money on travel etc, isnt a problem for you but you dont want her to feel like she has to do the same.

 

[DIVISION]

How much would that factor into your consideration to attempt it or not?

Would you at least try?

I have the dedication and the means to do it, but is it fair to someone else even if they are willing?

It's all about the level of communication and trust you have with that person, Chester.

If you have that understanding, then I don't think it matters what the distance is, provided you have the maturity to accept a long distance relationship and all that comes with it.

I've done it, and my case was to the extreme........she was in another country. I know myself and what my needs are, and I think it's only fair at this stage to be in a relationship with someone who I can interact with on a daily basis in the flesh, most likely someone who lives with me.

If both of you are willing to accept the responsibility, then by all means it's fair.



DIV

 

[SoKlueles]

patience and willingness to be together

 

[chesty]

Yes, I'm friends with her and we get along well so far. I understand as well where she is coming from with other things in her life as well and greatly respect her in that area.

Of course I would shoulder the burden.

When I find something/someone I like I go for it so I jumped in with both feet before I realized it. My intentions are known and I have zero experience in this area, even in same zip code situation. So I am sort of figuring this out on the fly.

 

[Dial_tone]

It works if you call her a fuck buddy and not a relationship.

 

[chesty]

it hasn't progressed beyond friends yet, and may not. I am not in a hurry and want her to know there is zero pressure for anything. She is, well all I can say is what I have always wanted in a woman (so far) in the past I settled for what I was comfortable with.

I would never even consider her remotely close to that (that was a rude comment)

She is the most incredible woman I have ever met. I have met a few, but not like her. I just don't want to end up making an ass of myself. Which most of you know I can do pretty well...

Anyway, just looking for some advice.

I guess I am just old fashioned.

 

[hamstershaver]

if you think it would lead to something permanent then why not

 

[chesty]

that is my outlook, but I always fear taking the chance...don't like not winning.

 

[hamstershaver]

well ive taken chances in relationships and its worked out, if you think shes the one you got to give it a shot or you will regret it if you dont

 

[chesty]

very true. I have...can't believe I did, I must be crazy. Only time will tell...

 

[danielson]

if its worth it then yes...just be wary that if things develop you may crave more time together, and progressing to marriage etc might require moving....

but if she is worth it and you would both work hard etc then I'd try to do it

 

[chesty]

she is worth it...question is would I be? (just playing devils advocate, since I asked the question)

 

[hamstershaver]

women like good sex and food, so if you can give her both of those you are in

 

[superqt4u2nv]

For the right person I would try it but for sure it has got to be tough.

 

[chesty]

It is and it requires major dedication on at least one of the parties. I am a good cook, and gentleman don't discuss the other topic

 

[hamstershaver]

damn and i like good sex talk

 

[chesty]

don't you have the hots for Sok?

 

[hamstershaver]

no she has the hots for me

 

[chesty]

get it on

 

[hamstershaver]

oh we have, shes crazy in bed

 

[*MissFit*]

I've done distance .. it's hard. and you have to have alot of trust in each other. you defineately don't see each other as much as you want to and u don't talk as much. i think it sometimes makes a relationship harder to build

 

[chesty]

things are in a holding pattern...

 

[biteme]

she is worth it...question is would I be? (just playing devils advocate, since I asked the question)

What about your kids? Don't you have children? You would leave the country for a strange woman and leave your kids behind? I could never do that and frankly, I just don't understand it. Your children should always come first.

 

[biteme]

And my ex would have never gotten custody of my daughter, because I'll tell you the truth, she's scared to death of me and she'd better be. I don't play that. Nooone is taking my child from me. When we were married, I never laid a hand on her and was her best friend, but now she's an enemy. And she knows not to fool around with me.

 

[geminitwins]

"distance is to love as wind to fire, it inflames the great and extinguishes the small"

 

[starfish]

"distance is to love as wind to fire, it inflames the great and extinguishes the small"

Spoken truth

 

[EnderJE]

This the girl you were talking about in your PM awhile back? I say go for it. What's the worst that could happen? You could break it off and find someone closer? You move closer together? She turns out to be a herm?

Okay, that could be the worst. Nothing like a little "Crying Game" action to turn your life around...

 

[biteme]

This the girl you were talking about in your PM awhile back? I say go for it. What's the worst that could happen? You could break it off and find someone closer? You move closer together? She turns out to be a herm?

Okay, that could be the worst. Nothing like a little "Crying Game" action to turn your life around...

You forgot man, he had kids. What's wrong with you guys? This is where I will give women credit. Most women would fight to the death for their kids, men leave their kids for some other bitch. I'm like women in this regard.

 

[EnderJE]

You forgot man, he had kids. What's wrong with you guys? This is where I will give women credit. Most women would fight to the death for their kids, men leave their kids for some other bitch. I'm like women in this regard.

Nowhere do I say to leave your kids. I don't understand why he can't go with the kids to her. Or they move closer together.

 

[biteme]

Nowhere do I say to leave your kids. I don't understand why he can't go with the kids to her. Or they move closer together.

I thought he said she lives in another country and he was going to move there.

 

[DIVISION]

that is my outlook, but I always fear taking the chance...don't like not winning.

You're a fucking Marine......

Adapt and Overcome........

You play to WIN!!!




DIV

 

[Miss24k]

Personally I couldn't do it, the only exception for me would be if I was in a strong relationship for a few years in the same city, and for some reason he or I had to relocate to another city.

There's no way, I could start off a relationship in different cities, but he could be my friend with benefits.

I got to have my man when I want him.

 

[biteme]

Personally I couldn't do it, the only exception for me would be if I was in a strong relationship for a few years in the same city, and for some reason he or I had to relocate to another city.

There's no way, I could start off a relationship in different cities, but he could be my friend with benefits.

I got to have my man when I want him.

A friend with benefits is a good thing to have.

 

[The Ranger]

I thought you were going to Iraq dewd.....

Ranger

 

[chesty]

I was supposed to be, my paperwork is being held up and I now only have 8 months on my contract, so now they are talking like it is not going to be extended.

 

[chesty]

First, yes I have kids, and so does she. I never said anything about leaving my kids, she is not in another country, she is right here in US.

Yes, she is worth it, I respect her wishes, she just needs some time to sort some things out so that she can be able to put herself into a relationship. So, She hasn't said no or never, just needs her time.

 

[DIVISION]

I was supposed to be, my paperwork is being held up and I now only have 8 months on my contract, so now they are talking like it is not going to be extended.

So 8 months till you are retired from the Army, then?

Or what are your options?


DIV

 

[chesty]

I would have about 10 years in the military, if they don't extend (i'm guessing they won't, I will get out for good this time). I am going to finish my masters degree.

I am a Marine and I am adapting and overcoming...patience in this case is a virtue and time is my friend.

 

[velvett]

No I wouldn't attempt it, it's too complicated and I like my life very simple.

 

[Robert Jan]

No I wouldn't attempt it, it's too complicated and I like my life very simple.

good attitude

 

[biteme]

No I wouldn't attempt it, it's too complicated and I like my life very simple.

smart girl.

 

[EnderJE]

First, yes I have kids, and so does she. I never said anything about leaving my kids, she is not in another country, she is right here in US.

Yes, she is worth it, I respect her wishes, she just needs some time to sort some things out so that she can be able to put herself into a relationship. So, She hasn't said no or never, just needs her time.

Whoa. Sounds dangerous now. Long distance with both people having kids.

 

[wutangnomo]

I've done long-distance relationships twice and I will tell you that I will NEVER EVER do it again! My last one was long-distance and it turned out this bitch lied about a ton of shit and cheated. I'm lucky I eventually found out and didn't waste anymore of my life on her pathetic ass. Greatest day of my life.

You just never know what the hell the other person is doing when you can't be around them on a daily basis. When you see someone everyday (or often) you can pick up on their attitude and mannerism changes; however, when you do not have the luxury of regularly seeing someone physically giving into temptations is easier. Both long-distance relationships ended up with her cheating. I know that I have the will power, but I have lost faith in women quite frankly. It's so very easy for someone to lie to you talking on the phone or chatting online.

My advice to you is try to bring the two of you together AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. There is no worse feeling then wasting a bunch of time on someone you barely see.

 

[EnderJE]

I've done long-distance relationships twice and I will tell you that I will NEVER EVER do it again! My last one was long-distance and it turned out this bitch lied about a ton of shit and cheated. I'm lucky I eventually found out and didn't waste anymore of my life on her pathetic ass. Greatest day of my life.

You just never know what the hell the other person is doing when you can't be around them on a daily basis. When you see someone everyday (or often) you can pick up on their attitude and mannerism changes; however, when you do not have the luxury of regularly seeing someone physically giving into temptations is easier. Both long-distance relationships ended up with her cheating. I know that I have the will power, but I have lost faith in women quite frankly. It's so very easy for someone to lie to you talking on the phone or chatting online.

My advice to you is try to bring the two of you together AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. There is no worse feeling then wasting a bunch of time on someone you barely see.

Or...maybe you should stop going for sluts? Just a thought.

 

[wutangnomo]

Or...maybe you should stop going for sluts? Just a thought.

Many hide it very well. Just take a look at this board.

 

[beefybull]

Many hide it very well. Just take a look at this board.

This cat knows whats up

 

[EnderJE]

Many hide it very well. Just take a look at this board.

rofl...no...they don't...but where would we be without the drama and the sluts?

 

[chesty]

You just never know what the hell the other person is doing when you can't be around them on a daily basis.

If you feel you need to be around them as often as possible to monitor their actions and such, then you shouldn't be dating.

One of them most famous Generals in the Marine Corps, Chesty Puller, very rarely saw his future wife. And during many campaigns including WWII, he courted her by mail. Eventually the two of them married and it lasted. There was no email, no cell phone, etc. Just plain old fashioned trust and loyalty. They chose to make it work and it did.

So, distance is not a factor in the respect of disloyalty, etc. if that is happening it would happen if they lived in the same house. And to be around someone to monitor their moods/actions etc, is in essence an attempt to control them, which is a no go.

I've done long-distance relationships twice and I will tell you that I will NEVER EVER do it again! My last one was long-distance and it turned out this bitch lied about a ton of shit and cheated. I'm lucky I eventually found out and didn't waste anymore of my life on her pathetic ass. Greatest day of my life.

You just never know what the hell the other person is doing when you can't be around them on a daily basis. When you see someone everyday (or often) you can pick up on their attitude and mannerism changes; however, when you do not have the luxury of regularly seeing someone physically giving into temptations is easier. Both long-distance relationships ended up with her cheating. I know that I have the will power, but I have lost faith in women quite frankly. It's so very easy for someone to lie to you talking on the phone or chatting online.

My advice to you is try to bring the two of you together AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. There is no worse feeling then wasting a bunch of time on someone you barely see.

 

[wutangnomo]

If you feel you need to be around them as often as possible to monitor their actions and such, then you shouldn't be dating.

One of them most famous Generals in the Marine Corps, Chesty Puller, very rarely saw his future wife. And during many campaigns including WWII, he courted her by mail. Eventually the two of them married and it lasted. There was no email, no cell phone, etc. Just plain old fashioned trust and loyalty. They chose to make it work and it did.

So, distance is not a factor in the respect of disloyalty, etc. if that is happening it would happen if they lived in the same house. And to be around someone to monitor their moods/actions etc, is in essence an attempt to control them, which is a no go.

My friend that was then, this is now. The biggest difference between now and then is that nowadays it is MUCH easier for people to cheat. That is a fact. Cheating nowadays is much more rampant then in the days of the past because of one reason.... the means with which people can MEET and interact with others is a whole lot easier. To put it simply, people have way more opportunity now as opposed to in the days of Chesty Puller. You have bars, clubs, all sorts of social meeting places and people live closer to one another. The huge one is the internet, which now allows people to meet others they would have NEVER met. In the days of WWII NONE of this existed as people lived more spread apart, social gathering places did not exist to such a degree as they do today, and there was no internet, etc. You are delusional if you think things still work as they did during Puller's days.

In a conventional relationship the chances of a partner being unfaithful is fairly high. In a long-distance relationship the chances are even higher. Being around someone has nothing to do with controlling him/her. I believe that humans are not monogamous by nature; however, we do possess the ability of will-power. You, me, and everyone else WILL cheat IF the right conditions are met, though everyone has different limits. The point is distance is a very important condition that does not help a relationship whatsoever.

 

[chesty]

I really believe it is not do to the ease with which one can meet someone else as it really is all about the morals of the person that you choose to involve yourself with. If trust is not foremost then all else fails. I know this because it can happen and did right in front of me in my own home. There was no trust, no faitfulness, etc. In the end, whether it is 1 mile or 1000 miles, no trust, no morals, no faith, it will not work.

Now, I am not saying that distance does not present its own set of difficulties, it really comes down to the level of commitment one is willing to make when the time comes. If you can't make that commitment, then again, 1 mile or a 1000 it will not survive.

But, I can understand your point.

 

[jerseyart]

Chesty and wutangnomo. Your both right to large degrees in what you posted.

But Chesty, listen to wutangnomo. The bor is spot on in the practical consequences.

 

[chesty]

I am a pragmatic leaning towards optimist. I used to be total pessimist, but that never got anyone any where.

I believe all points are valid. It worked for me and lasted 17 years, which is much better than most. It really comes down to the parties involved. Two to dance, etc. if one is willing that most likely won't be enough. That is where being a pragmatist comes in.