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Any humor would be appreciated...
- Thread starter Werd
- Start date
Buddy_Christ
New member
go re-read some of your other posts.
oh, wait a second, most of them caused me to almost lose my mind. nevermind.
oh, wait a second, most of them caused me to almost lose my mind. nevermind.
Tommy was raised in a small Southern town, and was getting to be the age where a young fella thinks of courting. But every time he mentioned a girl to his dad, his father would sigh and say "Son, I'm sorry, but I slept with her ma, and she's your half-sister."
Tommy was beginning to get really depressed about this, and finally went to his mother. She listened to his tale of woe, laughed, and said "You go out with any girl you want to, son. What on earth made that sonofabitch think he's YOUR father?
Tommy was beginning to get really depressed about this, and finally went to his mother. She listened to his tale of woe, laughed, and said "You go out with any girl you want to, son. What on earth made that sonofabitch think he's YOUR father?
Burning_Inside
Elite Mentor
u want my pp
U
Ulcasterdropout
Guest
Great link, thanks HumorMeHumorMe said:
....Werd, I hope tomorrows a better day for ya
Bulldog_10
New member
So a screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"
The screwdriver says "You've got a drink named Steve?"
If you really want to laugh...just download some wesley willis songs and laugh and laugh and laugh. A quote from the man himself: "Rock on New York. Rock on Chicago. Wheeties, breakfast of champions."
The screwdriver says "You've got a drink named Steve?"
If you really want to laugh...just download some wesley willis songs and laugh and laugh and laugh. A quote from the man himself: "Rock on New York. Rock on Chicago. Wheeties, breakfast of champions."
Last edited:
Lao Tzu
New member
Here is a clever woman!
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
IhateOsama
Turd Burglar
I have a pocket rocket in my pocket.
Stole these cornballs from AAP-oooollldd.
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the
road."
6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love
and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the
reception was excellent.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass
of Home"." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is
it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at, either.
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you
sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have
to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
14. Apparently, one in five people in the world are
Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it
must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or
maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother
Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet
him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the
top shelf. He said, "No bet, the steaks are too high."
17. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
legs!". The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've
cut off your arms!"
18. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled
a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but
when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
21. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A FSH.
22. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the
bar tender here?"
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the
road."
6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love
and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the
reception was excellent.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass
of Home"." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is
it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at, either.
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you
sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have
to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
14. Apparently, one in five people in the world are
Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it
must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or
maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother
Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet
him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the
top shelf. He said, "No bet, the steaks are too high."
17. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
legs!". The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've
cut off your arms!"
18. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled
a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but
when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
21. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A FSH.
22. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the
bar tender here?"
Bulldog_10
New member
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?"
he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?"
he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
onerepmaximum
New member
A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila. He sits down and drinks them one after another barely stopping for air. The bartender says, "Dude, what's the occasion?". The guy replies, "My first blow job." The bartender says, "Hell, let me give you one on the house", to which the guy replies, "No thanks, if 10 shots didn't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt that one more will help."
This is one of my personal favorites.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur? The rabbit says no!
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur? The rabbit says no!
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
vinylgroover
New member
A man calls for his son.......no reply from the son, so he heads towards his son's bedroom. On approach he see's his bedroom door closed and can hear moaning/heavy breathing coming from the room.
He walks in and says 'son you better stop that or you'll go blind', to which the son replies 'um dad....i'm over here'.
He walks in and says 'son you better stop that or you'll go blind', to which the son replies 'um dad....i'm over here'.
RADAR
Well-known member
lil Red Riding hood is on the way to grandmas house when she spies the wolf in the bushes.
Lil Red Riding hood says" My oh my! What big eyes you have!"
The wolf runs off into the forest.
Farther down the path,lil Red Riding hood again spies the wolf, Behind a huge tree.
Again lil Red Riding hood says" My oh My! What big teeth you have.
Again the wolf runs off into the forest
Farther once more down the path,lil red riding Hood spies the wolf behind a thicket.
Once more lil red Riding Hood cries MY oh My! What big Ears you have.
The wolf Hollers back "DO YOU MIND?I'M TRYING TO SHIT!
RADAR
Lil Red Riding hood says" My oh my! What big eyes you have!"
The wolf runs off into the forest.
Farther down the path,lil Red Riding hood again spies the wolf, Behind a huge tree.
Again lil Red Riding hood says" My oh My! What big teeth you have.
Again the wolf runs off into the forest
Farther once more down the path,lil red riding Hood spies the wolf behind a thicket.
Once more lil red Riding Hood cries MY oh My! What big Ears you have.
The wolf Hollers back "DO YOU MIND?I'M TRYING TO SHIT!
RADAR
Robert Jan
New member
onerepmaximum said:
I was expecting the punch line to be more like the bartender was offering oral sex
Robert Jan
New member
Two sheep are just standing around grazing in the meadow, when one says to the other:
"Nice day, isn't it?"
The other replies:
"Shut the fuck up. Sheep don't even talk"
"Nice day, isn't it?"
The other replies:
"Shut the fuck up. Sheep don't even talk"
Robert Jan
New member
Guy walk into a doctor's office and sits down and the doc asks him what seems to be the problem?
Well you see lately I've been having a lot of trouble with my short term memory.
For how long have you had this problem?
Sorry, What?
Well you see lately I've been having a lot of trouble with my short term memory.
For how long have you had this problem?
Sorry, What?
Robert Jan
New member
Guy comes into a doctor's office and tells the doctor he has erectile disfunction.
Doctor tells him to come back the same time next week and bring his wife.
Next week he comes in with his wife.
The doctors tells his wife to undress and bend over. He takes a good long look and tells the guy:
"Don't worry it's not you. Didn't do much for me either"
Doctor tells him to come back the same time next week and bring his wife.
Next week he comes in with his wife.
The doctors tells his wife to undress and bend over. He takes a good long look and tells the guy:
"Don't worry it's not you. Didn't do much for me either"
Robert Jan
New member
I like to buy some real expensive electronic device like a high quality digital video camera, and return it to the store after a week. I'd say "It smells funny"
Sometimes I follow a random stranger around all day, standing right next to him whenever he stops, and every time I'd say "Will you leave me the fuck alone" "What's your problem" "go away". Then I'd follow him home so I know where he lives, and I ring the doorbell at 4 am and as he opens the door I make an angry face and say "Jesus Christ are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea what time it is?"
Sometimes I follow a random stranger around all day, standing right next to him whenever he stops, and every time I'd say "Will you leave me the fuck alone" "What's your problem" "go away". Then I'd follow him home so I know where he lives, and I ring the doorbell at 4 am and as he opens the door I make an angry face and say "Jesus Christ are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea what time it is?"
onerepmaximum
New member
You'll like this one then.Robert Jan said:
A man is hitchhiking along the highway when a trucker stops to pick him up. The man gets in and notices a monkey sitting on the dashboard. The hitchhiker asks, "What's up with the monkey?" The truck driver says, "Watch this." He punches the monkey 3 times in the head. The monkey jumps off the dash and gives the truck driver a blow job. When the truck driver finishes, the monkey jumps back on the dashboard just like he was before. The truck driver says, "You wanna give it a go?" The hitchhiker says, "Yeah, but you don't have to hit me that hard."
A wealthy man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train that leaves at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.
The guy replies "Sure, which country?"
The rich fella asks, "How many countries have you got?" to which the man replies, "All the countries in the world!"
"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."
"That's nothing," the man says. "This watch also has a GPS, fax, e-mail and can receive NTSC television channels and display them on this color LCD screen. Are you health conscious? It's got a heart monitor, blood sugar readout, cholesterol counter...."
"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"
"Well, in fact that's why I'm here. I've been working on it for fifteen years, I've got almost all the bugs out, and I'm on my way to Japan to show it to Seiko."
"I gotta have it. I'll pay you a thousand bucks."
"Oh, I'd need ten times that. It's my life's work --"
"Listen, if you need ten grand, I'll pay it. That's enough to make another one and cover your trip besides. Ten thousand dollars."
"Well, okay. If you want it that badly, it's yours."
The business guy whips out his checkbook and hands over a check for $10,000.
"This is so cool!"
"Yeah... I'm really going to have to build another one right away. Oh, I almost forgot! You'll need the battery."
And he hands over the two suitcases.
The guy replies "Sure, which country?"
The rich fella asks, "How many countries have you got?" to which the man replies, "All the countries in the world!"
"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."
"That's nothing," the man says. "This watch also has a GPS, fax, e-mail and can receive NTSC television channels and display them on this color LCD screen. Are you health conscious? It's got a heart monitor, blood sugar readout, cholesterol counter...."
"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"
"Well, in fact that's why I'm here. I've been working on it for fifteen years, I've got almost all the bugs out, and I'm on my way to Japan to show it to Seiko."
"I gotta have it. I'll pay you a thousand bucks."
"Oh, I'd need ten times that. It's my life's work --"
"Listen, if you need ten grand, I'll pay it. That's enough to make another one and cover your trip besides. Ten thousand dollars."
"Well, okay. If you want it that badly, it's yours."
The business guy whips out his checkbook and hands over a check for $10,000.
"This is so cool!"
"Yeah... I'm really going to have to build another one right away. Oh, I almost forgot! You'll need the battery."
And he hands over the two suitcases.
p0ink
New member
Marilyn Manson Now Going
Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People
OVERLAND PARK, KS--Stung by flagging album sales and Eminem's supplanting him as Middle America's worst nightmare, shock rocker Marilyn Manson has embarked on a door-to-door tour of suburbia in a desperate, last-ditch effort to shock and offend average Americans.
Accompanied by bandmates Twiggy Ramirez, Madonna Wayne Gacy, and Zim Zum, Manson kicked off his 50-city "Boo" tour Jan. 26 in Overland Park, a conservative, middle-class suburb of Kansas City.
"When we first laid eyes on Overland Park, with its neat little frame houses, immaculately landscaped lawns, and SUVs in the driveways, we couldn't wait to swoop down on it like the Black Death," said Manson, born Brian Warner in Canton, OH. "We were like, 'Welcome to our nightmare, you bloated, pustulent pigs.'"
Last Friday at 4 p.m., Mark Wesley, 46, a resident of Overland Park's exclusive Maple Bluff subdivision, heard the sound of "animal-like shrieking" coming from the vicinity of his front lawn. Upon opening his front door, he was greeted by the sight of a pale and shirtless Manson carving a pentagram into his chest with a razor blade.
"Look at me, suburban dung," Manson told Wesley. "Does this shock you?"
When Wesley replied no, he said Manson became "petulant." Recalled Wesley: "He started stamping his feet and shaking his fists, saying, 'What do you mean no? Aren't your uptight, puritanical sensibilities offended? Don't you want to censor me so you don't have to confront the ugly truth I represent?' So I say, 'Well, not particularly.' Then, after a long pause, he says, 'Well, screw you, jerk!' and walks off sulking."
That evening, Linda Schmidt was preparing to drive her daughter Alyssa to a Girl Scouts meeting when she found Manson standing on her porch draped in sheep entrails.
"I knew who he was, but I was kind of busy and didn't really have time to chat," Schmidt said. "He just kept standing there staring at me, expecting me to react in some way."
Added Schmidt: "I tried to be nice and humor him a little. I said, 'Yesiree, that sure is some shocking satanic imagery, no doubt about it. And that one eye with no color in the pupil, very disturbing. I'd sure like to suppress that.' I mean, what do you say to Marilyn Manson?"
A deflated Manson remained on Schmidt's porch as she and Alyssa drove off.
Subsequent attempts to provoke outrage were met with equal indifference.
"[Manson] was standing at my front door wearing those fake breasts he wore on the cover of Mechanical Animals," retiree Judith Hahn said. "He said, 'My name is Marilyn Manson, and I'm here to tear your little world apart.' I thought he was collecting for the Kiwanis food drive, so I gave him some cans of pumpkin-pie filling."
Undaunted, Manson and his entourage stepped up their assault on mainstream American sensibilities. On Tuesday, they arrived in the tiny Detroit suburb of Grosse Pointe Farms, where stockbroker Glenn Binford answered his doorbell to find Manson hanging upside-down on a wooden cross as Ramirez performed fellatio on him.
"I just stood there thinking, now there's a boy who tries way too hard," Binford said. "I mean, come on: Homoerotic sacrilege went out in the late '90s."
Other provocative acts by Manson--including dismembering a chicken, bathing in pig's blood, and wearing a three-piece suit of human noses--failed to arouse anyone's ire, instead prompting comments such as "sophomoric," "trite," and "so Alice Cooper."
Above: A dejected Marilyn Manson ponders his next move.
Manson's lone brush with controversy occurred in Edina, MN, a suburb of Minneapolis. An unidentified neighborhood-watch volunteer phoned police after seeing a nude, feces-smeared Manson being led around on a leash by a dwarf dominatrix. Officers arrived on the scene, but let Manson go with a warning for parading without a city permit.
"I could have given him a citation, but I figured, how much harm is he really causing?" Edina Police Officer Dan Herberger said. "I mean, he's just Marilyn Manson, for the love of Mike."
The "Boo" tour was dealt a further blow when Manson learned that Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP had been banned from all Kmart stores. Manson's current album, Holy Wood (In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death), is still available.
"Why are all you people outraged by Eminem? He's not scary!" Manson said. "He doesn't sport ghoulishly pale skin or wear gender-bending make-up. He's just some regular guy. I'm the one who people should be terrified by, not him! Me!"
"If you ban me," Manson continued, "I promise to rail against censorship and hypocrisy. Please? Pretty, pretty please?"
By Monday, the tour appeared to have lost all momentum. Sources close to Manson described him as "exhausted and discouraged," despite not having even completed the first leg of the three-month tour. By the time he arrived in Hoffman Estates, IL, Manson had resorted to leaving flaming bags of dog feces on doorsteps and shining a flashlight under his chin to make himself look "spooky." He was ultimately chased from a Hoffman Estates subdivision by a group of bicycle-riding teenagers who advised him to "get [his] chalk-white goblin ass" out of their neighborhood.
On Friday, Manson is slated to appear in Bethesda, MD, where many believe he will bring his tour to a premature end.
"Have you people forgotten already?" Manson told The Washington Post. "You all thought I was responsible for Columbine two years ago. Well, I was! I was! I know I vehemently denied it at the time, but, really, I personally told those two kids to shoot up the school. I'm serious. I sent them an e-mail. And I told them to worship Satan, too. You hear that, kids? Marilyn Manson says you should shoot your friends in the head with a gun! And everyone should eat babies! And rape their dead grandparents! And poop on a church! There, now will someone please be offended?"
Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People
OVERLAND PARK, KS--Stung by flagging album sales and Eminem's supplanting him as Middle America's worst nightmare, shock rocker Marilyn Manson has embarked on a door-to-door tour of suburbia in a desperate, last-ditch effort to shock and offend average Americans.
Accompanied by bandmates Twiggy Ramirez, Madonna Wayne Gacy, and Zim Zum, Manson kicked off his 50-city "Boo" tour Jan. 26 in Overland Park, a conservative, middle-class suburb of Kansas City.
"When we first laid eyes on Overland Park, with its neat little frame houses, immaculately landscaped lawns, and SUVs in the driveways, we couldn't wait to swoop down on it like the Black Death," said Manson, born Brian Warner in Canton, OH. "We were like, 'Welcome to our nightmare, you bloated, pustulent pigs.'"
Last Friday at 4 p.m., Mark Wesley, 46, a resident of Overland Park's exclusive Maple Bluff subdivision, heard the sound of "animal-like shrieking" coming from the vicinity of his front lawn. Upon opening his front door, he was greeted by the sight of a pale and shirtless Manson carving a pentagram into his chest with a razor blade.
"Look at me, suburban dung," Manson told Wesley. "Does this shock you?"
When Wesley replied no, he said Manson became "petulant." Recalled Wesley: "He started stamping his feet and shaking his fists, saying, 'What do you mean no? Aren't your uptight, puritanical sensibilities offended? Don't you want to censor me so you don't have to confront the ugly truth I represent?' So I say, 'Well, not particularly.' Then, after a long pause, he says, 'Well, screw you, jerk!' and walks off sulking."
That evening, Linda Schmidt was preparing to drive her daughter Alyssa to a Girl Scouts meeting when she found Manson standing on her porch draped in sheep entrails.
"I knew who he was, but I was kind of busy and didn't really have time to chat," Schmidt said. "He just kept standing there staring at me, expecting me to react in some way."
Added Schmidt: "I tried to be nice and humor him a little. I said, 'Yesiree, that sure is some shocking satanic imagery, no doubt about it. And that one eye with no color in the pupil, very disturbing. I'd sure like to suppress that.' I mean, what do you say to Marilyn Manson?"
A deflated Manson remained on Schmidt's porch as she and Alyssa drove off.
Subsequent attempts to provoke outrage were met with equal indifference.
"[Manson] was standing at my front door wearing those fake breasts he wore on the cover of Mechanical Animals," retiree Judith Hahn said. "He said, 'My name is Marilyn Manson, and I'm here to tear your little world apart.' I thought he was collecting for the Kiwanis food drive, so I gave him some cans of pumpkin-pie filling."
Undaunted, Manson and his entourage stepped up their assault on mainstream American sensibilities. On Tuesday, they arrived in the tiny Detroit suburb of Grosse Pointe Farms, where stockbroker Glenn Binford answered his doorbell to find Manson hanging upside-down on a wooden cross as Ramirez performed fellatio on him.
"I just stood there thinking, now there's a boy who tries way too hard," Binford said. "I mean, come on: Homoerotic sacrilege went out in the late '90s."
Other provocative acts by Manson--including dismembering a chicken, bathing in pig's blood, and wearing a three-piece suit of human noses--failed to arouse anyone's ire, instead prompting comments such as "sophomoric," "trite," and "so Alice Cooper."
Above: A dejected Marilyn Manson ponders his next move.
Manson's lone brush with controversy occurred in Edina, MN, a suburb of Minneapolis. An unidentified neighborhood-watch volunteer phoned police after seeing a nude, feces-smeared Manson being led around on a leash by a dwarf dominatrix. Officers arrived on the scene, but let Manson go with a warning for parading without a city permit.
"I could have given him a citation, but I figured, how much harm is he really causing?" Edina Police Officer Dan Herberger said. "I mean, he's just Marilyn Manson, for the love of Mike."
The "Boo" tour was dealt a further blow when Manson learned that Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP had been banned from all Kmart stores. Manson's current album, Holy Wood (In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death), is still available.
"Why are all you people outraged by Eminem? He's not scary!" Manson said. "He doesn't sport ghoulishly pale skin or wear gender-bending make-up. He's just some regular guy. I'm the one who people should be terrified by, not him! Me!"
"If you ban me," Manson continued, "I promise to rail against censorship and hypocrisy. Please? Pretty, pretty please?"
By Monday, the tour appeared to have lost all momentum. Sources close to Manson described him as "exhausted and discouraged," despite not having even completed the first leg of the three-month tour. By the time he arrived in Hoffman Estates, IL, Manson had resorted to leaving flaming bags of dog feces on doorsteps and shining a flashlight under his chin to make himself look "spooky." He was ultimately chased from a Hoffman Estates subdivision by a group of bicycle-riding teenagers who advised him to "get [his] chalk-white goblin ass" out of their neighborhood.
On Friday, Manson is slated to appear in Bethesda, MD, where many believe he will bring his tour to a premature end.
"Have you people forgotten already?" Manson told The Washington Post. "You all thought I was responsible for Columbine two years ago. Well, I was! I was! I know I vehemently denied it at the time, but, really, I personally told those two kids to shoot up the school. I'm serious. I sent them an e-mail. And I told them to worship Satan, too. You hear that, kids? Marilyn Manson says you should shoot your friends in the head with a gun! And everyone should eat babies! And rape their dead grandparents! And poop on a church! There, now will someone please be offended?"
Robert Jan
New member
LOL @ Manson.
Time to pull out the Infamous Chef Wide Poop Story
It might not be 'funny' per se, but it makes most situations look a whole lot more attractive.
It might not be 'funny' per se, but it makes most situations look a whole lot more attractive.
Robert Jan
New member
God. that sucks.
