Am I being a jerk?

[msam76]

Here's the story. My mom died a little over a year ago. I never moved out of the house because I was the primary caregiver for my mom when she was sick. So, I still live at home with my father. He asked me a couple of months ago if it was ok if he started to date. I told him it was his life, and he had a right to live it. Last weekend, my dad met this lady for coffee then two days later she shows up at our house and my dad said she was spending the night. WTF??? I never met this women and now she is staying in MY house? He spent the entire weekend at her house while I spent Mothers Day alone, no big deal, I am a big girl. I had all my stuff spread out on the kitchen table because I have a lot of work to do. My dad comes into the dinning room and says "Karen is coming over for the night." Again, WTF? When it is just my dad and I, things are quiet around the house, no tv no music, silence. The last time she was here the tv was blasting they were laughing (she has a very loud voice) and the dogs were barking. On the one day I really needed that peace and quiet he springs this on me.

Here's my question: Am I being a childish selfish little brat for wanting peace in my own home? Also, am I wrong to think that he has totally disrespected me and my privacy by not talking to me about having women spend the night? Dating is one thing but having them spend the night? I really don't need this crap tonight!

 

[superqt4u2nv]

Who paid for the house? Do you pay rent or any of the bills?

 

[jenscats5]

Who owns the house now?? You or him??

And remember, if your mom was sick or ill for a long time (which I don't know) he may have begun his grieving process long before her actual death.....

 

[msam76]

We rent the house. I pay electric, phone (includes phone, cable, and dsl) and buy the food. He pays rent and we split the cost of heat. My mom was only sick for the last two months of her life. She did really good for 12 mos. then had a PE and needed total care. He pretty much wrote her off right then and there. I have a lot of anger towards him for his past (was very abusive to her and my brother and I) but I understand it wasn't his fault entirely. Part of it is me being protective of my mom, even though she isn't here. i stood up for her for as long as I could remember, she was my best friend. I just feel he should have talked to me about having women spend the night rather than just saying "oh, by the way, so and so is spending the night." I will be moving out this summer but until then he should respect the fact that I live there to. Am I wrong for thinking that? Please, be honest, tell me the truth

 

[chicknlegs]

Is it about your father dating again or the fact that he is bringing the date back to your house where you looked after your mother...?
If its the fact that he is bringing her back to where you have last memories of your mother, i'd say you should talk to him about it. If its the fact that he is dating again, its not out of disrespect to you, he is just moving on.

 

[msam76]

Is it about your father dating again or the fact that he is bringing the date back to your house where you looked after your mother...?
If its the fact that he is bringing her back to where you have last memories of your mother, i'd say you should talk to him about it. If its the fact that he is dating again, its not out of disrespect to you, he is just moving on.

I think you just hit the nail on the head. This was the home we spent our last 15 years of Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, high school graduation party, college graduation party and so on. It is also the home she spend her last days. It really kills me when she is here and picking up my moms bells (she collected bells from all over the world) and last time she almost picked up my mom's urn, not realizing what it was. I almost decked the woman. He can date, I have no problem with that. I am just pissed that he is bringing her into the house so soon. I mean, he only met her once for coffee????

 

[HiDnGoD]

Is it about your father dating again or the fact that he is bringing the date back to your house where you looked after your mother...?
If its the fact that he is bringing her back to where you have last memories of your mother, i'd say you should talk to him about it. If its the fact that he is dating again, its not out of disrespect to you, he is just moving on.

Yup. It's time for you to move. But he should have talked to you about it, since you are part of the family. Not just about the apartment, but that another woman would be in Your family's space.
I didn't eloquate that quite right, but I gotta run & I wanted to comment. Take 10 deep breaths & have a good night.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

We rent the house. I pay electric, phone (includes phone, cable, and dsl) and buy the food. He pays rent and we split the cost of heat. My mom was only sick for the last two months of her life. She did really good for 12 mos. then had a PE and needed total care. He pretty much wrote her off right then and there. I have a lot of anger towards him for his past (was very abusive to her and my brother and I) but I understand it wasn't his fault entirely. Part of it is me being protective of my mom, even though she isn't here. i stood up for her for as long as I could remember, she was my best friend. I just feel he should have talked to me about having women spend the night rather than just saying "oh, by the way, so and so is spending the night." I will be moving out this summer but until then he should respect the fact that I live there to. Am I wrong for thinking that? Please, be honest, tell me the truth

If you pay for half then you have half the say IMO. Tell him how you feel and see if there can be some sort of agrement reached on things until you move out.

 

[chicknlegs]

The only thing you can do is to tell him how you feel about it and how you aren't ready yet. But if you do, make sure you trell him that you are happy he has found someone but are uncomfortable with her being in your mothers house. Ask him nicely if he would mind spending the time at her place instead of yours...
At the end of the day, you are his daughter and if he knows it is upsetting you, most likely he will slow things down and not bring her over but spend time with her elsewhere.