Cindy, Feedz and Smurf thanks for the input. I honestly do want a relationship that works. I cant talk to women in a non sexual sense. I can't be honest about my feelings. It's like I went in this constant protective state of mind, I am trained to react, no emotion, no regret, and steer clear of situations that involve emotional attachment. It's like you see a bunch of dead kids, you ignore it cause it makes you weak and consumes your thoughts and you have no room for anything but acheiving the mark. I brought this shit back with me and I view everybody in my life as an obstacle to avoid, but there is really not a mark or a misson here to achieve. I understand things like this but my mind doesn't work like a normal every day persons. My mind doesn't even work like an average military persons mind, this is why I was able to do what I done, it's a fucked up state of being that not everyone can get to. Thats why there I was special, here I'm just a fucked up guy looking for the one person to love me past what I am. I don't know sometimes I think I'm just an asshole cause I have a half ass excuse to be one. regardless I don;t wanna hurt the people in my life anymore. I've all but stopped joosing and I'm serious about changing before it's too late.