well, to give an example of how I really shouldn't be using drugs and was just kidding myself before:
I SUCK at bench. I can squat and deadlift fairly decent weights, but SUCK at bench.
even when I was on gear, the only time I got over 225 was on the 5x5 workout and was probably on gear.
that is how weak I am.
and I wrecked my elbows and shoulders.
I also tore my stomach open (that is partly why the bottom part of my abs sticks out - that is my insides pushing out, I have an unrepaired umbilical hernia that the doc says to leave alone until it hurts since the surgery will hurt and keep me out of the gym for a bit)
I've been back at this 2 months now and eating right and just taking it easy, and I'm already benching 225.
drugs on me are just a waste - by me not doing them, there is more out there for the rest of you
that said, the drugs made it easy to eat like shit and still stay relatively cut - the fat I have no is from eating like shit and not being on drugs or working out for 6months or so.
I figure within 2 months from now I'll be at a place where I'm fine with it.