this place needs some good jokes.

[needtogetaas]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

 

[needtogetaas]

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!" -JFK,1963
And... drum roll...
The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...
"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"- Wayne Carey, 2002

 

[needtogetaas]

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and
my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This
continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells
him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvellous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the f@#* do they want with a plasterer?"

 

[needtogetaas]

A husband is at home watching a cricket game when his Wife interrupts,
'Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.' He looks at her and says, 'Fix the light?
Now? Does it look like I have an Osram logo printed on my forehead?
I don't think so.'
'Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly.'
To which he replied, 'Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.'
'Fine,' she says, 'Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break.'
'I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,' he says.' Does it look like I have Mitre 10 written on my forehead?'
Then he adds, 'I've had enough of this. I'm going to the pub where I can watch the match in peace!!!'
So he storms off to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he spoke to his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
Once in the house he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door closes perfectly.
'Honey, how'd this all get fixed?' he asked in amazement.
She said, 'Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Then a nice young man walking past asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.'
'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?' he asked.
'Hellooooooo . . . do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?'

 

[Raptorex]

search for Pick3 jokes and bump em

 

[needtogetaas]

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal Thewoman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face A couple of minutes later, shewas beginning to feel the pain again This time, she didn't even hesitate She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled andthought"Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it She letrip a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shitson you!"

 

[needtogetaas]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf" says Little Red Riding Hood
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump
"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf" says Little Red Riding Hood
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away
About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign
"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf" taunts Little Red Riding Hood
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams" Will you f#*k off?! I'm trying to take a shit!"

 

[needtogetaas]

How to Shower like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectional hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and run to bathroom
Look at physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so you can complain and whine about how fat you are getting
Get in the shower Look for face, arm and leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone
Wash your hair once with cucumber and lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
Wash your hair again with cucumber and lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
Condition your hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil Leave on hair for 15 minutes
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa-cake body wash
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure it all comes off)
Shave armpits and legs
Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you have no water pressure
Turn off shower Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower Spray mould spots with 'tilex'
Get out of shower
Dry with towel size of small African country Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel
Check entire body for remotest sign of zit Attack with nails and tweezers if found
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and rush to bedroom and then spend a hour and a half dressing

 

[needtogetaas]

How to Shower like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile
Walk naked to the bathroom If you see your wife along the way, shake your privates at her making the "woo" sound
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have any pecs (no), scratch your privates
Get in the shower
Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one)
Wash your face Wash your armpits
Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower Wait and then smell
Wash your private parts and surrounding area, leaving hair on the bar of soap
Shampoo (do not use conditioner) Make a shampoo Mohawk
Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror
Pee (in the shower)
Rinse off and get out of the shower
Fail to notice water on floor because you left the curtain hanging out of tub the whole time
Partially dry off
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor
Leave bathroom fan and light on
Return to bedroom with towel wrapped around your waist If you pass wife along the way, pull off your towel and shake your privates at her making the woo sound again
Throw wet towel on bed
Take 2 minutes to get dressed

 

[needtogetaas]

Escaped Convict"

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you He probably hasn't seen a woman in years Please cooperate If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag "I'm so relieved you feel that way He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom"

 

[needtogetaas]

What I've Learned in Life

* I've learned that you cannot make someone love you All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in
* I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes
* I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it
* I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits
* I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more f#*ked up than you think
* I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished
* I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities
* I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place
* I've learned that sometimes the people you least expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do
* I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves
* I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper
* I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away
* I've learned to say "f#*k 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages

 

[needtogetaas]

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is" The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units'than his dad His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is" Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play Shortly after, the boy returned again He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets"

 

[needtogetaas]

These are actual instructions on various products

* On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO
* On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU
* On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE
* On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT
* On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS
* In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box)
* On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET
* In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END
* On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
* On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING
* On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY DETAILS INSIDE (The shoplifter special!)
* On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP (And that would be how?)
* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN (Too late! You lose!)
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING (Are you sure? Let's experiment)
* On a Korean kitchen knife -WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY (As opposed to use in outer space?)
* On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE (Now I'm curious)
* On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS (Really? And that's bad why?)
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS (I'm glad they cleared that up)
* On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
* On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

 

[needtogetaas]

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight I've never had three girls at once I need something to keep me horny, to keep men potent" The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label Viagara Extra and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours" The guy says, "Gimme three boxes" The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a tube of Deep Heat" The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!" The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up"

 

[needtogetaas]

wtf lol lololol

 

[DannoMight]

Well I got a funny story about what happened over the summer.

My buddy got a boat and we went to go take it out. When we got to the ramp this suburban pulled up with a lime green boat that said "ski daddy" on it. There were two guys getting ready to go waterskiing and one guy was wearing a lime green wetsuit with "ski daddy" on the back and had a fro that was about 3 heads big. Well they got the boat in the water and ski daddy went go the pier to meet the boat and take the rope. Well I guess they didn't have the handle to hold on. So ski daddy was like "Fuck dat I don't need the handle." and just wrapped the rope they had around his wrists. Then he yelled out "HIT THE FLIPPAAAA SKIPPPAAAAA!!!!" and the front of the boat stood up in the air and took off and ski daddy was immediately yanked underwater. All I could see was a swail of water at the end of the rope. The boat took him about 200ft before he realized ski daddy was submerged. I was laughing hysterically but felt bad for the guy at the same time. Ski Daddy ended up ripping both soulders out of their sockets. But the whole "Hit the flippa skippa shit just made me hit the deck.

 

[heatherrae]

Well I got a funny story about what happened over the summer.

My buddy got a boat and we went to go take it out. When we got to the ramp this suburban pulled up with a lime green boat that said "ski daddy" on it. There were two guys getting ready to go waterskiing and one guy was wearing a lime green wetsuit with "ski daddy" on the back and had a fro that was about 3 heads big. Well they got the boat in the water and ski daddy went go the pier to meet the boat and take the rope. Well I guess they didn't have the handle to hold on. So ski daddy was like "Fuck dat I don't need the handle." and just wrapped the rope they had around his wrists. Then he yelled out "HIT THE FLIPPAAAA SKIPPPAAAAA!!!!" and the front of the boat stood up in the air and took off and ski daddy was immediately yanked underwater. All I could see was a swail of water at the end of the rope. The boat took him about 200ft before he realized ski daddy was submerged. I was laughing hysterically but felt bad for the guy at the same time. Ski Daddy ended up ripping both soulders out of their sockets. But the whole "Hit the flippa skippa shit just made me hit the deck.

ROFL...especially since he had a damned fancy wetsuit and no ski rope. What a buffoon.