Things are going to be diffrent.

[dballer]

I've been living in the desert for quite some time now. I got sick of the cities and the freaks they make out of people. No people out here. No people-no problems. You get addicted to the rituals of decadence and fear. What's wrong with the system, becomes whats wrong with you. You don't figure it out until you have eaten yourself alive. This afternoon, a woman came up to the front of my cabin. She said that she was magic and she would grant me a wish. I told her I didn't believe she possesed such powers. She told me to hold out my hand and think of somthing that I want that would fit in the palm of my hand. I did. The ring I had lost fifteen years ago appeared in my hand. I told her I was ready to make a wish. I wished that she turn into a grain of sand and throw herself into the wind. I threw away the ring too.

 

[dballer]

Weak now, because you own , you possess. You have something that they can take. You remember how it was when you had nothing. You looked at the ones who had what you wanted
and you felt strong in your need. Brave in your limited surroundings. Righteous in your desires for something different. Contemptuous of those who had exactly what you wanted. You hated them because they looked weak and slightly scared. You circled the water hole and thought about closing in.
Now you have it and feel weak in your power to keep it. You feel desperate to make them see that you won't let them take it away. Because it's yours. You never had to justify yourself and your possessions before. I earned this. I worked hard for what I've got. I paid my dues. I deserve this. You say these things to yourself as the animals circle and wait. Shake your fists at the Hyenas. Chase them away from your water hole. Justify. See them all differently.. Now you see that they all want something. You get some juice. Human becomes prey. Human gets scared. Figure out that you have to become hard to keep it yours. You have to be cruel. You have to kill them off just for looking. Leave the bodies by the water hole so the rest will see. Hang spent bullet cases from fishing line outside all the windows of your house. Put up signs. Please break in.

I would love the opportunity to kill you legally.

Let the fear turn into desperate anger. Start seeing the differences in people. They all start looking suspicious.

They all want.

The need never stops. Out there, someone is always needing. Always hungry. Always looking at you. Checking your eyes for weakness. Zeroing in on the vein in your neck. As they circle the water hole. And close in.

 

[Peyote Killa]

I like that, what is that from? Where can I get related works?

 

[starfish]

 

[addickt]

You should have traded that ring for some Spam.. You are gonna starve to death.

 

[polarpixie]

db, I love it.

 

[dballer]

I like that, what is that from? Where can I get related works?

ask and you shall recieve

 

[polarpixie]

ask and you shall recieve

I'm asking also. so when shall I receive?

 

[dballer]

it takes a little time!!! I will get a good one on here...

 

[decem]

why the fuck do you have CABIN in the DESERT???

 

[dballer]

So what happens to you when your dreams have been destroyed?
When you have chased cornered and ripped them limb from limb?
When you walk away to a desert inside yourself
I fell into the vacuum of my room
The darkness tortured me
Sucked the air through the cracks in the floor
Time scars my thoughts
I have thought about calling or writing one of you
Trying to reach out and touch one of you
I never get to it
I can't get out of myself
I couldn't find the right words to show you where I am
It used to be terrifying
Talking myself out of shooting myself in the head
Now it's just conversation
The night brings the silnce and lies
With which keep myself alive
I hold myself in fragile arms
I'm not strong
I'm a rat holding on one handed to the screen of the drain

 

[OMEGA]

hail to dballer!!!!!!

 

[polarpixie]

pure money baby. pure money.

 

[smallmovesal]

dballer your taste in music rules!!

carry on.

 

[polarpixie]

Rollins.

I knew I'd tasted that before.


This one reminds me of the ex lately:

Please come through the door tonight
It's so lonely and fucked up here
I'm confused and everything's strange
I wish I was just on something
You were the last woman that meant anything to me
I can't stop
I have no defence system
No attitude that sees me through
Sometimes I think I keep getting up everyday
Because there's nothing else to do

 

[dballer]

Re: Rollins.

I knew I'd tasted that before.


This one reminds me of the ex lately:

Please come through the door tonight
It's so lonely and fucked up here
I'm confused and everything's strange
I wish I was just on something
You were the last woman that meant anything to me
I can't stop
I have no defence system
No attitude that sees me through
Sometimes I think I keep getting up everyday
Because there's nothing else to do

nice!! Rollins!!!!!

 

[dballer]

Love is self deception. I am a living creature. Hate is only self love. I am a double feature.

 

[dballer]

It happened like it always happens, I saw through her. I look into myself. I don’t stop when I should. I dissect myself. I see through myself. I expose myself to myself. I don’t like what I see. The less I see the better. Do you look too deeply? Do you see too much?

I have a bad ability it is like a curse. I can make anything look bad by looking at it for too long. I always look too long. I see through love and affection. I see desperation and praise. I see hate and jealousy. I see it in myself.

I want to walk in the desert tonight. I want the wind to pass over me. I want to let the poison bleed through the soles of my feet onto the desert floor. I want to starve the monster. I want to punish it with thoughts of clean night wind. The monster will kick and bellow. It can’t take a direct shot. It cannot take the pain of painlessness.
The iron door slams shut. A con stares the paint off the wall. There is no next time. There is only the flickering recollection of last time. History is vacant and meaningless. Thoughts of my past bring me pain that cannot be measured. My thoughts of tomorrow are nightmares, wrapped in reality.

I say kill all the enemies in my brain. The monster stalks the streets in search of itself. Regret.. I’ll kill that guy. Despair…. Shoot’em. Lonliness… come forward I want to disfigure you. I want to turn you on yourself and make you see what you do to people. I want you to see the blood and the anger. I want you to feel the sullen lump that finds itself in my throat when you come in. I want to lock you up in solitary and watch you destroy yourself. I am gonna make sure you go out as slow as possible. I want you to taste every drop. Then you will find out what hell is really like. You’re gonna see what you do to people. And to make things as bad as I can, I am gonna give you little breaks from yourself. I’ll give you shot glasses full of the finest companionship. I’ll get you hooked. When all you want is the next fix, I am going to cut you off. Then you will be left alone with yourself. Then you will know the pain that I know. You will scream like I scream. You will feel the pain. And I don’t know if you’ll be able to survive yourself.

 

[smallmovesal]

NIGHT OF THE LIVING REDNECKS

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO LUKE

We ran...fast. The thought of a redneck woman catching us just after she zapped her husband and maybe killed him was too much. It was pretty easy in the dark. We moved to another trailer just a short distance away. Inside there was lots of shouting but you couldn't hear what they were saying so we moved closer, like just under a window

That was the Brown family. They had too many kids (6 or 7 i think) and not enough money. The oldest kid was a girl about my age. The dad worked in town somewhere and the mom just raised kids. We listened carefully and heard JIMMY JIMMY WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING? Jimmy rode on the bus. He was maybe 8 or 9. It was the mom's voice. YOU LITTLE B____D I SAID WHAT ARE YOU DOING? no answer. COME HERE. This was a shout. Then a little voice said so's you could hardly hear MAMMA I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN. HONEST. Both me and Ricky knew that voice...a kid caught at something by an angry grown up and afraid. DON'T LIE TO ME YOU LITTLE SON OF A ___H. Then the sound of a loud SLAP as she hit Jimmy across the face and his crying. WE'RE JUST GONNA LET YOUR FATHER HANDLE THIS. ERNIE COME HERE. Poor little jimmy was in real deep doo doo so we split. We didn't want that mamma hearing us outside the window. If these people think they got a snoop outside they might get out the shot gun they all keep loaded.

Well, we walked around for quite a while. The moon wasn't bright and it was real dark outside where the street lights were shining. A few people had porch lights but not most. The dark is real cool when you are with a buddy or your dog. You'd be real scared out there all alone. But when you are with a bud you dare do lots more stuff than you would normal. It's fun hiding behind a bush or laying on the ground and seeing folks do stuff and they don't have a clue you're watching. I think that's why spies like their work so much.

In a little while we came to a trailer that had only one light on inside and it was dim. Some new folks had just moved here and I didn't know them. A radio was playing country music which the red necks listened to mostly. Ricky and me crept closer. NOTHING GOING ON HERE I said LETS GO. WAIT A MINUTE PEANUT BREATH Ricky said I THINK I HEAR SOMEONE. So we crawled in the dark to just outside a open window and listened.

There was no mistake about THAT sound. It was a couple (this part heavily censored by Luke's dad) enjoying each other's company in a personal way. We were right under their bedroom window. We heard moaning and a some talking that sounded a little like this OH MELVIN BABY YOU'RE THE BEST and YOU REALLY TURN ME ON EDWINA and DON'T HURT ME and OH BABY OH OH OH. You get the picture.(end of censored part)

Well. There we were. Two 6th graders learning a lot more than they teach in sex education. We were ready to camp for the whole nite. All of a sudden we heard a SNAP!! Ricky had stepped on a dry stick and broke it. It was real loud in the dark. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? we heard the man's voice. OH MELVIN I HEARD IT TOO. THERE'S SOMEONE OUTSIDE OUR WINDOW. MUST BE SOME OF THOSE DAMN KIDS. THEY BREED LIKE FLIES. I'LL GET MY SHOT GUN. And the lights went on and we ran just as fast as we could. We just got to a patch of bushes we heard a loud noise. Definitely a 12 gauge. The bird shot lind of rattled in the trees over our head. RUN RICKY RUN I screamed. I didn't have to. Ricky was already way ahead of me.

We were sure scared. But it was one of those real good scares, the kind that gets you up and running away and you just know you have to get the hell out of there but you never see the thing that scares you. So, instead of going back to our trailer we decided, after we stopped panting and laughing some, to stay out and see what else we could find.

 

[dballer]

They're shining searchlights in the sky
'Cause there's a new God in the sign
It says their map is not their terrier work
And then I broke my telescope
But that's the nature of the game
And you have to play

Bring back the pain of a god that's never blue
You're in control of the whole damned universe
Bring back the shame and the bright lights on a few
It keeps me coming back to you

The deaths were faked, the laughs were cries
But ressurrections are doing fine
You got me walking into suicide
And I'll be there right by your side
In reproduction at your merry go bye bye

Here to paradise they go
Brighter made is their woe
As above, so below

We reached for an outside point of view
But its out of touch with me and you
I feel I'm walking into suicide
But you'll be right there by my side
To beam my message into space as I die

Bring back the shame of the many for the few
Get on your knees and I'll be coming back to you
Bring back the pain of an inverse world for two
It keeps me coming back to you

 

[polarpixie]

I compare some of his writings to snake venom, like a poisonous rush.

Got a favorite one?

 

[dballer]

I compare some of his writings to snake venom, like a poisonous rush.

Got a favorite one?

yeah.. but I will not post it. Not all of those are Rollins.. some are mine. I will post more. I got alot of my own stuff.. but I do not like to share. I do not want ya'll to know how fucked up I really am

 

[dballer]

How can you tell me there is a right person?
How do you know?
The last two I thought were the right people
But the destroyed me
Do you think I want to gamble with that again??
No, never again!
this is it.
this pain has consummed me
But, I have seen the light
No matter how hard you try
You will get hurt
Instead if being a statisic
I am going to be null
The way I see it is...
Why even try??
When you can be just as happy without
It is like owning a dog
You are taking the chance
That it will crap all over the house
And if you really care about it,
You gotta give up your freetime
So the most considerate thing to do
Is just leave the dog for a better owner
One with more patience and time
One that does not mind shedding some tears
Or cleaning up the poop!

 

[dballer]

Love heals scars love left.
We're all hypocrites
Searching desperately
Before our ability to attract
Takes too much effort to use
Or disappears much to our horror
We die trying to impress each other
I'd rather be respected by a bolt of lightning

 

[dballer]

I am ready for whatever's coming. I expect nothing but to be let down or turned away. I am alone.
Goddamn. The shit hurts sometimes, but I realize what I am, what I have become. The alien man waved
his arms up and down and noticed that he couldn't wave in the right language so he stopped

 

[polarpixie]

yeah.. but I will not post it. Not all of those are Rollins.. some are mine. I will post more. I got alot of my own stuff.. but I do not like to share. I do not want ya'll to know how fucked up I really am

i'd love to read it if ya ever get the urge to share. but i know. everyone should keep some things about themselves to themselves. things that no one else needs to know about.

 

[dballer]

Idont want a shoulder to lean on. I don't need it. The whole idea of "Someone, that special someone!" is for me a load of shit. I must be fully contained, no leakage, no spillover. Dependancy is weakness. It's such a lie. Lying there in bed, in your lovers arms. "She is behind me, she believes in me!" No one is behind me. I am behind me. I believe in me. I don't need any support group to keep my head together. I know what I have to do, so I should just shut up and do it.--------

The messed up thing is, she was behind me.. or at least I thought.. at least I believed. How can I ever trust anyone else after her.. she was sooo kind and honest in the beginning.. she reached sooo deep into my heart.. even found some I thought I did not have... then put it in her mouth..chewed a few times... and spit it right out into my face.. with that shit eating grin of hers. I can only hope that she will oneday endure the pain she has inflicted on me. I am sure that for what she has dome to me.. the god I belive in is frowning on her. I will be the better one.. I will keep my head up. She is an average girl... she is worth nothing of value to me. I am embarrssed I was with her. I can acheive much more on my own. I am Dometic.

 

[polarpixie]

ouch.

no wonder you are up so late with these thoughts running thru your brain!!!

 

[dballer]

I am ready for whatever's coming.

 

[Peyote Killa]

Bottom My compassion is broken now. My will is eroded, and my desire stolen and it makes me feel ugly. I'm on my knees and burning. My piss and moans are the fuel that set my head on fire. So smell my soul burning. I'm broken, looking up to see the enemy. I have swallowed the poison you feed me... but I survive on it, and it leaves me guilt fed, hatred fed, weakness fed.. and I feel ugly, and dead inside. Shit adds up at the bottom. You've left me no choice but to go inside and rebuild what's broken. Too much, too far, too late to lie down now. I must arm myself to fight you by making weapons out of my imperfections. It's all I have left. There's no other choice. I'm shameless, nameless, nothing, and no one now. But my soul must be iron for my fear is naked. I'm naked and fearless. But I'm dead inside. You see.. shit adds up, now I'm dead inside. Hatred, weakness, and guilt keep me alive at the bottom.

TOOL and Rollins, Bottom: from the album Undertow.
Good song

 

[dballer]

I like Rollins alot.. if you want to read some really good Rollins.. get the book Eye Scream.

 

[smallmovesal]

could you be my "special someone" dballer?

 

[dballer]

Could you handle my addiction for self inflicted pain and suffering?

 

[Peyote Killa]

I like Rollins alot.. if you want to read some really good Rollins.. get the book Eye Scream.

I have actually read that book, I shit you not.

It's really insightful to certian emotions, I liked it

 

[smallmovesal]

as long as you can handle my threats to off myself on elite to spice up the board

always trust what you hear from "someone on another board"...

 

[dballer]

I have actually read that book, I shit you not.

It's really insightful to certian emotions, I liked it

Next try High Adventures in the Great Outdoors... which is out of print.. but you may be able to find it. It is part of a book he put together called "The First Five" but I am not sure if it is complete. High Adventures is his first book.. so it is pretty raw.

 

[dballer]

as long as you can handle my threats to off myself on elite to spice up the board

I do that to myself to spice up my sex life.

 

[Peyote Killa]

I will most definatly look into it, thankyou. New reads are always good. If you can think of any more you think I might be interested in, PM with the title and or authors.
Thanx

 

[smallmovesal]

rollins is great...