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THE 100 MOST ANNOYING THINGS OF 2005
100 WIKIPEDIA
The world’s best online encyclopedia…if you want to learn that Bigfoot got Hitler pregnant in 1876 while writing The Little House on The Prairie series and shooting JFK with a bullet made out of Charles Lindbergh’s teeth.
99 BOTOX
When will people realize that making your face look like droopy silly putty is hardly the most attractive cosmetic update? And what kind of trial and error did doctor’s go through before they decided to injecting botulism was a good idea?
98 ANN COULTER
I’ve got nothing against the woman’s politics, but that restraining order she filed against me is way out of line. Sorry, Ann, but if it’s in your garbage can it’s up for grabs!
97 PAYPAL
In response to Hurricane Katrina, the website Something Awful raised nearly $28,000 for the Red Cross. Paypal locked up the funds, offered to give it to The United Way, and had to refund every single donation instead of letting it go to its intended use.
96 FRED PHELPS
If this extreme homophobic Baptist preacher would read the original Hebrew scripture more carefully, he might find the exact translation of his favorite phrase is actually “God Hates Fred!”
95 PRUSSIAN BLUE
Finally, a racist teenage singing group that’s too cute to hate! Their strategy to have non-whites who listen to their music end their misery by committing suicide might actually work!
94 ANNA NICOLE SMITH
Putting Anna on this list is a like saying lemons are sour. She lost a ton of weight with TRIMSPA, but unfortunately her special celebrity formula with souvenir razor blade and mirror isn’t available to the general public.
93 FLIGHTPLAN
A ludicrous movie about a parent who loses their annoying kid on an airplane, and actually tries to find her! 8 hours of “Are We There Yet-free travel” is the parental equivalent of flying first class.
92 JOHNNY CASH’S DEATH
Sure, it happened 2 years ago, but it still doesn’t make it suck any less. Though he did an admirable acting job in Walk The Line, Joaquin Phoenix is no substitute. Rock on, Johnny!
91 THE LOGO CHANNEL
How can they call themselves an all-gay cable channel without a single “Golden Girls” rerun in their lineup?
90 ANNE RICE
Finally exhausting the vampire genre, she’s moved on to writing books about 2000 year old zombies.
89 DOMINO and AEON FLUX
How could two different films about hot chicks with guns be this boring?
88 BLUETOOTH EARPIECES
Watching legions of undead corporate slaves walk around with these cellular phone Borg implants hanging out of their ears is a sad thing indeed.
87 MRS. BUTTERWORTH’S SYRUP BOTTLES
Don’t believe the commercials. She won’t talk to you no matter how rich, creamy, and buttery smooth you tell her she is.
86 IPOD ACCESSORIES
Though I can understand paying $300 for a top of the line iPod, I draw the line at paying $30 for iPod Socks to put them in! When your iPod is dressed more warmly than some homeless guy, something’s very wrong.
85 AMERICAN IDOL
Getting advice on being a star from Paula Abdul is like getting driving lessons from Lindsay Lohan.
84 MULTIPLE DVD RELEASES
Just when you think you’ve bought a nice version of your favorite film on DVD comes the “Superbit Deluxe Gold Director’s Cut This Time We Mean It’s The Ultimate Version” making yours obsolete.
83 #3 PENCILS
Too light for Scantron tests, too dark for drafting. Oh #3 pencil, why hast thou forsaken me?
82 THE BLACK EYED PEAS
These hacks are bigger sellouts than the XBOX 360. Please enjoy their upcoming CD “Songs That Will Be Used to Advertise Crap” next year. Also their song, "My Humps" rivals "Hollaback Girl" as one of the year's most irritating. You know, if you have lumps, you should really get a mammogram instead of bragging about them in a song.
81 MICHAEL JACKSON
How this “alleged” child molester is allowed to walk the streets is astounding. The only CD he’ll be on anytime soon is the Meagan’s Law ROM at the local police station.
80 THE NBA DRESS CODE
What better way to improve the NBA’s image by having the players wear nice suits off the court? Ditching Ron Artest in the middle of the Nevada desert would go a lot further to win the public over.
79 DOOM: THE MOTION PICTURE
Why the never ending quest to make movies out of videogames? Before long we’ll be watching Pong:The Motion Picture.
78 MY OBESSIVE COMPULSIVE HABITS
Did I really lock my doors? I forgot to tell myself that I locked each door out loud so I’ll remember that I actually did it. Or maybe the memory of locking that door is just a dream and I really didn’t do it. Why am I wasting time writing this while my iron is burning my house down?
77 TV SHOWS THAT AREN’T ON DVD
Sometimes I wonder if I really want to live in a world that releases a “Charles in Charge” Season 1 boxed DVD set, but keeps “Batman” and “WKRP In Cincinnati” in permanent legal limbo.
76 MYSPACE.COM
Because there just wasn’t enough room at Livejournal for self-obsessed attention whores to show off to the world.
75 KENNY CHESNEY
You knew his marriage to Renee Zellweger was in trouble when he booked a honeymoon getaway to Brokeback Mountain.
74 NICK AND JESSICA
1,000 years from now, archaeologists will look at our news publications and figure that this celebrity duo must have been king and queen of the world. Why anyone is interested in these empty headed no-talent morons is a mystery to all mankind. I’m against The Patriot Act, but I’d be willing to sacrifice our civil liberties a bit to permit the government to put anyone who ever bought a Jessica Simpson record on a special island and do some bomb testing. Not only would you collectively increase the nation’s IQ, but you’d stick it to Wal-Mart by getting rid of 80% of their customer base.
73 HDTV
What good is crystal clear realistic television when you’re just going to watch “Mind of Mencia” on it? Plus the high-def face of Edward James Olmos should not be witnessed by any human being.
72 CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER
Why hasn’t somebody sued him for false advertising yet?
71 TERRY SHIAVO HYPE
The round the clock coverage of both sides of the argument of whether or not to pull Shiavo’s feeding tube was shameful. A South Park episode in which Kenny was on life support summed it up perfectly…you can’t die with dignity with 8,000 cameras pointed at you.
70 ASHTON KUTCHER
How stupid do you have to be for this dope to pull a prank on you?
69 ORLANDO BLOOM
If he’s not a gay elf, I don’t’ want to see him in an action film! Ridley Scott trading down from Russell Crowe to Orlando Bloom with his Kingdom of Heaven movie is like recasting Spartacus with Burt Ward.
68 G4
The subversive, funny, and profitable Tech TV was dismantled and merged into this horrible network, that paid $7 million for reruns of “The Man Show” and has ratings so low, they’re frequently beaten by The Dumont Network (If you get that joke, happy 75th birthday to you!).
67 COREY CLARK
So you slept with Paula Abdul. Get in line, buddy!
66 LOWERED STANDARDS FOR CELEBRITY STATUS
Remember when being a celebrity meant having something more than a tryout for an Old Navy commercial on your resume?
65 STAR WARS MERCHANDISING
Though the entire “prequelogy” was a giant toy commercial, did George Lucas really need to whore out his characters as Darth Tater and toys of M&M’s dressed up like Chewbacca?
64 CELLULAR PHONE CONTRACTS
We’ve become a new nation of indentured servants, signing gigantic 2 year deals with ridiculously high early cancellation fees. All for a shitty camera phone with Hillary Duff ring tones.
63 SUPERMODELS
I’ll never understand the obsession with these skinny freakish zombies. In comic books, you need special powers to be called super. Apparently the power to live on a diet of cocaine and saliva is enough for these gals to achieve that status.
62 50 CENT
Nothing says gangsta like your own flavor of Vitamin Water. Maybe its better to die tryin’, after all.
61 KABALLAH
When your religion gets an energy drink named after it, perhaps its time to rethink your beliefs.
60 NICOLE RICHIE
The literary world was treated to her tell all book as empty and worthless as the author. You know you have issues when your autobiography weighs more than you do. Hopefully this era of being famous for being famous will be over soon.
59 AUTOMATED CAMPAIGN CALLS
Also known as “robo calls” these pre-recorded messages from politicians and celebrities pollute answering machines across America during election time. I never thought I’d see the day when I missed telemarketing calls.
58 SURVIVOR
After 11 seasons and no deaths it’s time to up the ante on this formulaic bore. CBS needs to spice things up and set the next episode in Iraq.
57 SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Aside from the Weekend Update segment with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, the 2005 season is among the series’ worst. Sorry Lorne Michaels, but I think its time for some new blood up top.
56 SONY
As if listening to Britney Spears’ CDs wasn’t bad enough, Sony put virtually undetectable secret software on the disc and numerous others in their catalog that rendered computers unfortunate enough to play them susceptible to hacker attacks. Meanwhile Sony faces speculation that their PS3 system will be released shortly after the XBOX 720 comes out.
55 ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Spends tens of millions of cash strapped California’s dollars to hold an election for special initiatives that “the people demanded” only to see them overwhelmingly defeated at the polls. And despite a bill he signed outlawing sex with corpses, he continues to share a bed with Maria Shriver. Sorry, I should have listened to my wife and left this joke out.
54 MEXICAN PRESIDENT VINCENTE FOX
Angered many with his remarks that Mexicans have to take jobs that “not even blacks would want to do”. Of course his comment was off base, ‘cause the number of Mexicans in the National Hockey League is still rather low.
53 STARBUCKS
Not only are there some places in America where there are twin Starbucks locations directly across the street from each other, but their tactics of opening up next to local established coffee shacks are making them the Wal-Mart of the hot beverage world. And damn if I can remember their Venti to English size conversion chart when ordering their drinks.
52 ALAN COLMES
The Ichabod Crane of the liberal media is hardly a formidable foil to his overbearing and pompous partner Sean Hannity on their creatively titled TV show, Hannity & Colmes.
51 DICK CHENEY
Not since Asslick Johnson has there been a more aptly named Vice President in our country’s history.
50 ASHLEE SIMPSON
I can understand people with no singing talent getting record contracts based on looks and sex appeal, but Ashlee Simpson doesn’t even have that going for her. It makes you wonder if someone at her record company lost a bet.
49 MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL
How can anyone get excited about this league full of cheating, corruption, and abuse. Hey! It really is America’s sport!
48 LINDSEY LOHAN
After having her breasts digitally reduced by Disney for the new Herbie movie, she had them reduced for real by using one of those wacky “stop eating stuff” diets.
47 EXTREME MAKOVER: HOME EDITION
You know, it doesn’t seem like building an $800,000 dream homes for a family who’s father lost his job as a professional rope skipper because he twisted his ankle is the best use of resources to help out America’s neediest people.
46 PHILLIP MORRIS ANTI-SMOKING ADS
Really want kids to stop smoking? Stop showing commercials with kids saying how uncool it is, and have Bea Arthur in a thong smoking a pack of Newports exclaiming how cool cigs really are. Either that, or stop making cigarettes.
45 TOP 100 COUNTDOWNS
When VH1 runs The 100 Wackiest Left Handed Chinese Bass Players, perhaps its time to rethink this whole Top 100 countdown thing.
44 BABY BRATZ
Not satisfied with making dolls of teenagers that look like hookers, we now have slutty toddler figures for the kids to enjoy. I knew it was a mistake putting Michael Jackson on Hasbro’s Board of Directors.
43 CELEBRITY POKER
Watching “celebrities” like that redhead lady from Suddenly Susan and “that guy who was in that show about those guys” play bad poker makes for some of the most horrible television ever broadcast.
CLICK HERE TO BUY THIS KICKASS BEAR
42 RECTAL THERMOMETERS
Their era of usefulness is over. Plus, woe be to he who forgets what type it is!
41 ENZYTE ADS
When a guy has trouble getting erections, he should deal with it the old fashioned way and buy a new Hummer.
40 ROB SCHNEIDER
It saddens me to think there’s people who were actually looking forward to see Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo. During the opening weekend, it opened at #48 and was outgrossed by an art film of Jm. J. Bullock playing solitaire.
39 FOX NEWS
President Bush could drive a flaming van full of babies off a cliff and FOX would find a way to spin it as a liberal attack on family values.
38 SIX FLAGS GUY
Is there such a shortage of real old guys that Six Flags has to use this latex makeup appliance covered freak in their commercials?
37 BARBARA BUSH
Sometimes it just seems better to complain about the root cause of the problem.
36 ADULT HARRY POTTER FANS
Harry Potter is a fine series to read…when you’re twelve years old! Actually I just put this here to see how much hate mail I’ll get from stupid people who just skim read the list. I actually enjoy reading the books and wish J.K. Rowling was my Sugar Mommy.
35 CUSTOMER SERVICE VOICE RESPONSE LINES
Not content with letting you push buttons, most company service numbers require you to shout out answers to a menu of options that make you feel like you’re in some corporate responsive prayer meeting. “Wait a minute…I think you said, ‘Yuck Foo’…is that correct?”
34 BRITNEY SPEARS and KEVIN FEDERLINE
The worst of the vapid celebrity couples out there. From their stupid reality show, to the non stop tabloid coverage of their relationship, I’ve had enough.
33 DAKOTA FANNING
One of my biggest laughs of the year was hearing that a local film critic shouted “If I have to watch one more movie with that ugly no talent buck toothed Jack-O-Lantern, I’m going to scream!” I think she’s a fine enough actress, but she’s managed to guest star in every single film of the year. It doesn’t seem possible, but I think I even saw her in my 1987 high school graduation video.
32 MOVIES ABOUT GIANT SIZED FAMILIES
I just don’t get the fascination with movies like Cheaper By The Dozen 2 and the not to be outdone 18 kid remake of Yours, Mine, and Ours. Look for Disney’s upcoming, Sweet Lord, My Uterus Exploded! (starring Dakota Fanning, of course) to come out next summer.
31 ENERGY DRINKS
When did America become so feeble that it needed to chug down high caffeine ginseng guarana voodoo juice sodas to stay awake? I recall a fonder time when all a lad needed to stay up all night was a cup of coffee and trucker pills.
30 DAVID LEE ROTH AND EDDIE VAN HALEN
For the good of all mankind, would you two jerks make up and record some music together again?
29 HOWARD STERN
His year long commercial for how good his show is going to be once he moves to satellite radio was tedious indeed. Here’s hoping he lives up the hype.
28 DAVID CHAPELLE
He single-handedly torpedoed one of TV’s funniest shows for no apparent reason. Apparently having 50 people shout, “I’m Rick James, Bitch!” in your face every day takes its toll.
27 E HARMONY FOUNDER DR. E CLARK WARREN
Watching this creepy fellow hawk his online dating service is like hearing your grandpa talk about how hot grandma is.
26 THANKSGIVING NEWS BROADCASTS
This just in…airports are crowded, and traffic is really bad on Thanksgiving Day! British Parliament could get nuked on that day, and the story would still follow this insipid coverage.
25 GAS COMPANIES
Record profits for all the companies while prices mysteriously increase across the country. OK, I’m just bitter because I accidentally drove away from a pump with the nozzle still in my tank TWICE this year.
24 TUCKER CARLSON
After getting his ass kicked by Jon Stewart on CNN’s Crossfire last year, he’s been relegated to a little watched show on MSNBC. I’m not making this up, a few weeks ago I skimmed past his show and saw him talking to a chimpanzee. Though it may have been Bob Novak, now that I think about it.
23 SCIENTOLOGY
Every religion has a bit of the hard to believe associated with it, but Scientology takes the cake. Imagine spending tens of thousands of dollars to work your way up into their program (salvation through cash) to learn that 75 million years ago, an evil space demon named Xenu enslaved aliens in a Hawaiian volcano (even though the island hadn’t been formed yet) and all of our problems are a result of their ghosts that are trapped within our body.
22 CARLOS MENCIA
Minority comedians making fun of their own ethnicity is a time honored tradition made famous by Richard Pryor and Cheech and Chong. But the way that “Carlos Mencia”, a Hungarian/Honduran hack named Ned Holness, gets away with making fun of “beaners” on his stupid Comedy Central show “Mind of Mencia”, it just blows my mind.
21 MICHAEL JACKSON FANS
It’s one thing to look the other way if a celebrity you like strays from honor once or twice, but what kind of world do Michael Jackson fans live in where they think this guy is great? The only folks stupider were on the jury that acquitted him. Let’s hope those rumors of his launching a “Jesus Juice” white wine label aren’t true.
20 POLITICAL TALK RADIO
From the wacky blathering right wing shows to the insipid conspiracy laden paranoia-fests from the left, political talk radio has become completely unlistenable. How is it so hard to believe that a country that makes “Dancing With The Stars” a #1 show, could have simply put Bush in office for a second term by voting for him? And the conservative shows’ continued blame of all things bad on Clinton and Carter has become laughable.
19 DESEPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Only Eva Longoria’s character is an actual housewife, and her husband was in jail for half the season. And Teri Hatcher’s character is one of the most unwatchably stupid women to ever appear on television.
18 TOM DELAY
I thought politicians this corrupt only existed in Dick Tracy comic strips.
17 RUBBER COMMEMERATIVE BRACELETS
Whoops! The yellow dye in those LIVESTRONG bracelets causes cancer. Sorry, folks!
16 FORMER FEMA HEAD MIKE BROWN
While the Hurricane Tragedy was on TV nonstop for 4 days, Brown actually tried to pass off the BS line that he only learned about the extent of the damage after that point. There hasn’t been a guy more unqualified for the job since Don Adams worked as a spy on “Get Smart”.
15 LARRY THE CABLE GUY
Some of the redneck comedians are funny in doses, but this spokesperson for Deliverance extras who isn’t really named Larry, or from the South, is just an embarrassment to humanity. SHUT-R-UP!
14 CAR MAGNETS
Cause nothing says patriotism than ribbon shaped flags. Every time you stick one of these on your car, you’re sticking it to terrorism.
13 PEOPLE WHO WALK DOWN THE STREET EATING PEANUT BUTTER AND DON'T WATCH WHERE THE FUCK THEY'RE GOING!
If I bump in to one more of these assholes while I'm trying to enjoy my chocolate bar, I'm going to go nuts!
12 HARRIET MIERS
Just because she worked as a puppet on "Mister Rogers Neighborhood" for decades doesn’t mean she’s qualified to serve on the highest court in the land.
11 PARIS HILTON
The extent in which this plastic empty souled waste of space continues to get crammed down our throats is mind-boggling. Ha! I said “crammed down our throats” and “Paris Hilton” in the same sentence!
10 HOLLABACK GIRL
I liked this song better the first time, when it was called “Hey Mickey!”, but it’s about the best song featuring fecal matter and bananas since Lobo’s ‘70s hit “Me and You And a Shitty Banana Named Boo”.
9 RUNAWAY BRIDE, JENNIFER WILBANKS
After concocting a fake kidnap story to get out of a wedding, Jennifer Wilbanks’ bug-eyed face became the most frightening image on TV since The X-Files was canceled.
8 BIRD FLU
Frankly, they’ve crapped on my car one too many times, so I’m all far it! Watch for Fred Phelps’ extreme followers to explain that this is God’s punishment for gay birds.
7 RACIST FLOOD COVERAGE
While much was made about the black “looters” and white “gatherers” in the media’s coverage of the Katrina flooding, why wasn’t there any outcry about the unfair portrayal of failed lesbians as the source of the flooding? And calling them “dykes” on national TV was pretty harsh.
6 MARTHA STEWART
You’d think we’d ended the War in Iraq or elected a new Pope with the level of attention Martha’s release from prison got.
5 TERRELL OWENS
If this guy would put just 10% of the energy he spends being a prima donna into just shutting up and playing the game, he’d be one of the greatest football players of all time. As it stands, he’s about ready for a career of celebrity poker with Dennis Rodman.
4 NAPOLEON DYNAMITE T-SHIRTS
I think it's time to impeach Pedro.
3 ARUBA KIDNAP VICTIM, NATALEE HOLLAWAY
The media was never more racist than it's coverage of the missing white Alabama teen. News channels covered her disappearance round the clock, while Hispanic woman Carmen Sandiego remains missing with no media attention whatsoever.
2 TOM CRUISE
Tom Cruise is completely sane, virile, exhibits self control, is a member of a totally rational non-cult religion, does not eat babies, and does not use mind control to trick Hollywood starlets into carrying the seed of space-demons.
1 HURRICANES
They proved to be a bit inconvenient this year, to say the least. Hopefully next year’s deadly locust plagues and rivers of blood will help put it all behind us once and for all.
100 WIKIPEDIA
The world’s best online encyclopedia…if you want to learn that Bigfoot got Hitler pregnant in 1876 while writing The Little House on The Prairie series and shooting JFK with a bullet made out of Charles Lindbergh’s teeth.
99 BOTOX
When will people realize that making your face look like droopy silly putty is hardly the most attractive cosmetic update? And what kind of trial and error did doctor’s go through before they decided to injecting botulism was a good idea?
98 ANN COULTER
I’ve got nothing against the woman’s politics, but that restraining order she filed against me is way out of line. Sorry, Ann, but if it’s in your garbage can it’s up for grabs!
97 PAYPAL
In response to Hurricane Katrina, the website Something Awful raised nearly $28,000 for the Red Cross. Paypal locked up the funds, offered to give it to The United Way, and had to refund every single donation instead of letting it go to its intended use.
96 FRED PHELPS
If this extreme homophobic Baptist preacher would read the original Hebrew scripture more carefully, he might find the exact translation of his favorite phrase is actually “God Hates Fred!”
95 PRUSSIAN BLUE
Finally, a racist teenage singing group that’s too cute to hate! Their strategy to have non-whites who listen to their music end their misery by committing suicide might actually work!
94 ANNA NICOLE SMITH
Putting Anna on this list is a like saying lemons are sour. She lost a ton of weight with TRIMSPA, but unfortunately her special celebrity formula with souvenir razor blade and mirror isn’t available to the general public.
93 FLIGHTPLAN
A ludicrous movie about a parent who loses their annoying kid on an airplane, and actually tries to find her! 8 hours of “Are We There Yet-free travel” is the parental equivalent of flying first class.
92 JOHNNY CASH’S DEATH
Sure, it happened 2 years ago, but it still doesn’t make it suck any less. Though he did an admirable acting job in Walk The Line, Joaquin Phoenix is no substitute. Rock on, Johnny!
91 THE LOGO CHANNEL
How can they call themselves an all-gay cable channel without a single “Golden Girls” rerun in their lineup?
90 ANNE RICE
Finally exhausting the vampire genre, she’s moved on to writing books about 2000 year old zombies.
89 DOMINO and AEON FLUX
How could two different films about hot chicks with guns be this boring?
88 BLUETOOTH EARPIECES
Watching legions of undead corporate slaves walk around with these cellular phone Borg implants hanging out of their ears is a sad thing indeed.
87 MRS. BUTTERWORTH’S SYRUP BOTTLES
Don’t believe the commercials. She won’t talk to you no matter how rich, creamy, and buttery smooth you tell her she is.
86 IPOD ACCESSORIES
Though I can understand paying $300 for a top of the line iPod, I draw the line at paying $30 for iPod Socks to put them in! When your iPod is dressed more warmly than some homeless guy, something’s very wrong.
85 AMERICAN IDOL
Getting advice on being a star from Paula Abdul is like getting driving lessons from Lindsay Lohan.
84 MULTIPLE DVD RELEASES
Just when you think you’ve bought a nice version of your favorite film on DVD comes the “Superbit Deluxe Gold Director’s Cut This Time We Mean It’s The Ultimate Version” making yours obsolete.
83 #3 PENCILS
Too light for Scantron tests, too dark for drafting. Oh #3 pencil, why hast thou forsaken me?
82 THE BLACK EYED PEAS
These hacks are bigger sellouts than the XBOX 360. Please enjoy their upcoming CD “Songs That Will Be Used to Advertise Crap” next year. Also their song, "My Humps" rivals "Hollaback Girl" as one of the year's most irritating. You know, if you have lumps, you should really get a mammogram instead of bragging about them in a song.
81 MICHAEL JACKSON
How this “alleged” child molester is allowed to walk the streets is astounding. The only CD he’ll be on anytime soon is the Meagan’s Law ROM at the local police station.
80 THE NBA DRESS CODE
What better way to improve the NBA’s image by having the players wear nice suits off the court? Ditching Ron Artest in the middle of the Nevada desert would go a lot further to win the public over.
79 DOOM: THE MOTION PICTURE
Why the never ending quest to make movies out of videogames? Before long we’ll be watching Pong:The Motion Picture.
78 MY OBESSIVE COMPULSIVE HABITS
Did I really lock my doors? I forgot to tell myself that I locked each door out loud so I’ll remember that I actually did it. Or maybe the memory of locking that door is just a dream and I really didn’t do it. Why am I wasting time writing this while my iron is burning my house down?
77 TV SHOWS THAT AREN’T ON DVD
Sometimes I wonder if I really want to live in a world that releases a “Charles in Charge” Season 1 boxed DVD set, but keeps “Batman” and “WKRP In Cincinnati” in permanent legal limbo.
76 MYSPACE.COM
Because there just wasn’t enough room at Livejournal for self-obsessed attention whores to show off to the world.
75 KENNY CHESNEY
You knew his marriage to Renee Zellweger was in trouble when he booked a honeymoon getaway to Brokeback Mountain.
74 NICK AND JESSICA
1,000 years from now, archaeologists will look at our news publications and figure that this celebrity duo must have been king and queen of the world. Why anyone is interested in these empty headed no-talent morons is a mystery to all mankind. I’m against The Patriot Act, but I’d be willing to sacrifice our civil liberties a bit to permit the government to put anyone who ever bought a Jessica Simpson record on a special island and do some bomb testing. Not only would you collectively increase the nation’s IQ, but you’d stick it to Wal-Mart by getting rid of 80% of their customer base.
73 HDTV
What good is crystal clear realistic television when you’re just going to watch “Mind of Mencia” on it? Plus the high-def face of Edward James Olmos should not be witnessed by any human being.
72 CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER
Why hasn’t somebody sued him for false advertising yet?
71 TERRY SHIAVO HYPE
The round the clock coverage of both sides of the argument of whether or not to pull Shiavo’s feeding tube was shameful. A South Park episode in which Kenny was on life support summed it up perfectly…you can’t die with dignity with 8,000 cameras pointed at you.
70 ASHTON KUTCHER
How stupid do you have to be for this dope to pull a prank on you?
69 ORLANDO BLOOM
If he’s not a gay elf, I don’t’ want to see him in an action film! Ridley Scott trading down from Russell Crowe to Orlando Bloom with his Kingdom of Heaven movie is like recasting Spartacus with Burt Ward.
68 G4
The subversive, funny, and profitable Tech TV was dismantled and merged into this horrible network, that paid $7 million for reruns of “The Man Show” and has ratings so low, they’re frequently beaten by The Dumont Network (If you get that joke, happy 75th birthday to you!).
67 COREY CLARK
So you slept with Paula Abdul. Get in line, buddy!
66 LOWERED STANDARDS FOR CELEBRITY STATUS
Remember when being a celebrity meant having something more than a tryout for an Old Navy commercial on your resume?
65 STAR WARS MERCHANDISING
Though the entire “prequelogy” was a giant toy commercial, did George Lucas really need to whore out his characters as Darth Tater and toys of M&M’s dressed up like Chewbacca?
64 CELLULAR PHONE CONTRACTS
We’ve become a new nation of indentured servants, signing gigantic 2 year deals with ridiculously high early cancellation fees. All for a shitty camera phone with Hillary Duff ring tones.
63 SUPERMODELS
I’ll never understand the obsession with these skinny freakish zombies. In comic books, you need special powers to be called super. Apparently the power to live on a diet of cocaine and saliva is enough for these gals to achieve that status.
62 50 CENT
Nothing says gangsta like your own flavor of Vitamin Water. Maybe its better to die tryin’, after all.
61 KABALLAH
When your religion gets an energy drink named after it, perhaps its time to rethink your beliefs.
60 NICOLE RICHIE
The literary world was treated to her tell all book as empty and worthless as the author. You know you have issues when your autobiography weighs more than you do. Hopefully this era of being famous for being famous will be over soon.
59 AUTOMATED CAMPAIGN CALLS
Also known as “robo calls” these pre-recorded messages from politicians and celebrities pollute answering machines across America during election time. I never thought I’d see the day when I missed telemarketing calls.
58 SURVIVOR
After 11 seasons and no deaths it’s time to up the ante on this formulaic bore. CBS needs to spice things up and set the next episode in Iraq.
57 SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Aside from the Weekend Update segment with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, the 2005 season is among the series’ worst. Sorry Lorne Michaels, but I think its time for some new blood up top.
56 SONY
As if listening to Britney Spears’ CDs wasn’t bad enough, Sony put virtually undetectable secret software on the disc and numerous others in their catalog that rendered computers unfortunate enough to play them susceptible to hacker attacks. Meanwhile Sony faces speculation that their PS3 system will be released shortly after the XBOX 720 comes out.
55 ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Spends tens of millions of cash strapped California’s dollars to hold an election for special initiatives that “the people demanded” only to see them overwhelmingly defeated at the polls. And despite a bill he signed outlawing sex with corpses, he continues to share a bed with Maria Shriver. Sorry, I should have listened to my wife and left this joke out.
54 MEXICAN PRESIDENT VINCENTE FOX
Angered many with his remarks that Mexicans have to take jobs that “not even blacks would want to do”. Of course his comment was off base, ‘cause the number of Mexicans in the National Hockey League is still rather low.
53 STARBUCKS
Not only are there some places in America where there are twin Starbucks locations directly across the street from each other, but their tactics of opening up next to local established coffee shacks are making them the Wal-Mart of the hot beverage world. And damn if I can remember their Venti to English size conversion chart when ordering their drinks.
52 ALAN COLMES
The Ichabod Crane of the liberal media is hardly a formidable foil to his overbearing and pompous partner Sean Hannity on their creatively titled TV show, Hannity & Colmes.
51 DICK CHENEY
Not since Asslick Johnson has there been a more aptly named Vice President in our country’s history.
50 ASHLEE SIMPSON
I can understand people with no singing talent getting record contracts based on looks and sex appeal, but Ashlee Simpson doesn’t even have that going for her. It makes you wonder if someone at her record company lost a bet.
49 MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL
How can anyone get excited about this league full of cheating, corruption, and abuse. Hey! It really is America’s sport!
48 LINDSEY LOHAN
After having her breasts digitally reduced by Disney for the new Herbie movie, she had them reduced for real by using one of those wacky “stop eating stuff” diets.
47 EXTREME MAKOVER: HOME EDITION
You know, it doesn’t seem like building an $800,000 dream homes for a family who’s father lost his job as a professional rope skipper because he twisted his ankle is the best use of resources to help out America’s neediest people.
46 PHILLIP MORRIS ANTI-SMOKING ADS
Really want kids to stop smoking? Stop showing commercials with kids saying how uncool it is, and have Bea Arthur in a thong smoking a pack of Newports exclaiming how cool cigs really are. Either that, or stop making cigarettes.
45 TOP 100 COUNTDOWNS
When VH1 runs The 100 Wackiest Left Handed Chinese Bass Players, perhaps its time to rethink this whole Top 100 countdown thing.
44 BABY BRATZ
Not satisfied with making dolls of teenagers that look like hookers, we now have slutty toddler figures for the kids to enjoy. I knew it was a mistake putting Michael Jackson on Hasbro’s Board of Directors.
43 CELEBRITY POKER
Watching “celebrities” like that redhead lady from Suddenly Susan and “that guy who was in that show about those guys” play bad poker makes for some of the most horrible television ever broadcast.
CLICK HERE TO BUY THIS KICKASS BEAR
42 RECTAL THERMOMETERS
Their era of usefulness is over. Plus, woe be to he who forgets what type it is!
41 ENZYTE ADS
When a guy has trouble getting erections, he should deal with it the old fashioned way and buy a new Hummer.
40 ROB SCHNEIDER
It saddens me to think there’s people who were actually looking forward to see Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo. During the opening weekend, it opened at #48 and was outgrossed by an art film of Jm. J. Bullock playing solitaire.
39 FOX NEWS
President Bush could drive a flaming van full of babies off a cliff and FOX would find a way to spin it as a liberal attack on family values.
38 SIX FLAGS GUY
Is there such a shortage of real old guys that Six Flags has to use this latex makeup appliance covered freak in their commercials?
37 BARBARA BUSH
Sometimes it just seems better to complain about the root cause of the problem.
36 ADULT HARRY POTTER FANS
Harry Potter is a fine series to read…when you’re twelve years old! Actually I just put this here to see how much hate mail I’ll get from stupid people who just skim read the list. I actually enjoy reading the books and wish J.K. Rowling was my Sugar Mommy.
35 CUSTOMER SERVICE VOICE RESPONSE LINES
Not content with letting you push buttons, most company service numbers require you to shout out answers to a menu of options that make you feel like you’re in some corporate responsive prayer meeting. “Wait a minute…I think you said, ‘Yuck Foo’…is that correct?”
34 BRITNEY SPEARS and KEVIN FEDERLINE
The worst of the vapid celebrity couples out there. From their stupid reality show, to the non stop tabloid coverage of their relationship, I’ve had enough.
33 DAKOTA FANNING
One of my biggest laughs of the year was hearing that a local film critic shouted “If I have to watch one more movie with that ugly no talent buck toothed Jack-O-Lantern, I’m going to scream!” I think she’s a fine enough actress, but she’s managed to guest star in every single film of the year. It doesn’t seem possible, but I think I even saw her in my 1987 high school graduation video.
32 MOVIES ABOUT GIANT SIZED FAMILIES
I just don’t get the fascination with movies like Cheaper By The Dozen 2 and the not to be outdone 18 kid remake of Yours, Mine, and Ours. Look for Disney’s upcoming, Sweet Lord, My Uterus Exploded! (starring Dakota Fanning, of course) to come out next summer.
31 ENERGY DRINKS
When did America become so feeble that it needed to chug down high caffeine ginseng guarana voodoo juice sodas to stay awake? I recall a fonder time when all a lad needed to stay up all night was a cup of coffee and trucker pills.
30 DAVID LEE ROTH AND EDDIE VAN HALEN
For the good of all mankind, would you two jerks make up and record some music together again?
29 HOWARD STERN
His year long commercial for how good his show is going to be once he moves to satellite radio was tedious indeed. Here’s hoping he lives up the hype.
28 DAVID CHAPELLE
He single-handedly torpedoed one of TV’s funniest shows for no apparent reason. Apparently having 50 people shout, “I’m Rick James, Bitch!” in your face every day takes its toll.
27 E HARMONY FOUNDER DR. E CLARK WARREN
Watching this creepy fellow hawk his online dating service is like hearing your grandpa talk about how hot grandma is.
26 THANKSGIVING NEWS BROADCASTS
This just in…airports are crowded, and traffic is really bad on Thanksgiving Day! British Parliament could get nuked on that day, and the story would still follow this insipid coverage.
25 GAS COMPANIES
Record profits for all the companies while prices mysteriously increase across the country. OK, I’m just bitter because I accidentally drove away from a pump with the nozzle still in my tank TWICE this year.
24 TUCKER CARLSON
After getting his ass kicked by Jon Stewart on CNN’s Crossfire last year, he’s been relegated to a little watched show on MSNBC. I’m not making this up, a few weeks ago I skimmed past his show and saw him talking to a chimpanzee. Though it may have been Bob Novak, now that I think about it.
23 SCIENTOLOGY
Every religion has a bit of the hard to believe associated with it, but Scientology takes the cake. Imagine spending tens of thousands of dollars to work your way up into their program (salvation through cash) to learn that 75 million years ago, an evil space demon named Xenu enslaved aliens in a Hawaiian volcano (even though the island hadn’t been formed yet) and all of our problems are a result of their ghosts that are trapped within our body.
22 CARLOS MENCIA
Minority comedians making fun of their own ethnicity is a time honored tradition made famous by Richard Pryor and Cheech and Chong. But the way that “Carlos Mencia”, a Hungarian/Honduran hack named Ned Holness, gets away with making fun of “beaners” on his stupid Comedy Central show “Mind of Mencia”, it just blows my mind.
21 MICHAEL JACKSON FANS
It’s one thing to look the other way if a celebrity you like strays from honor once or twice, but what kind of world do Michael Jackson fans live in where they think this guy is great? The only folks stupider were on the jury that acquitted him. Let’s hope those rumors of his launching a “Jesus Juice” white wine label aren’t true.
20 POLITICAL TALK RADIO
From the wacky blathering right wing shows to the insipid conspiracy laden paranoia-fests from the left, political talk radio has become completely unlistenable. How is it so hard to believe that a country that makes “Dancing With The Stars” a #1 show, could have simply put Bush in office for a second term by voting for him? And the conservative shows’ continued blame of all things bad on Clinton and Carter has become laughable.
19 DESEPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Only Eva Longoria’s character is an actual housewife, and her husband was in jail for half the season. And Teri Hatcher’s character is one of the most unwatchably stupid women to ever appear on television.
18 TOM DELAY
I thought politicians this corrupt only existed in Dick Tracy comic strips.
17 RUBBER COMMEMERATIVE BRACELETS
Whoops! The yellow dye in those LIVESTRONG bracelets causes cancer. Sorry, folks!
16 FORMER FEMA HEAD MIKE BROWN
While the Hurricane Tragedy was on TV nonstop for 4 days, Brown actually tried to pass off the BS line that he only learned about the extent of the damage after that point. There hasn’t been a guy more unqualified for the job since Don Adams worked as a spy on “Get Smart”.
15 LARRY THE CABLE GUY
Some of the redneck comedians are funny in doses, but this spokesperson for Deliverance extras who isn’t really named Larry, or from the South, is just an embarrassment to humanity. SHUT-R-UP!
14 CAR MAGNETS
Cause nothing says patriotism than ribbon shaped flags. Every time you stick one of these on your car, you’re sticking it to terrorism.
13 PEOPLE WHO WALK DOWN THE STREET EATING PEANUT BUTTER AND DON'T WATCH WHERE THE FUCK THEY'RE GOING!
If I bump in to one more of these assholes while I'm trying to enjoy my chocolate bar, I'm going to go nuts!
12 HARRIET MIERS
Just because she worked as a puppet on "Mister Rogers Neighborhood" for decades doesn’t mean she’s qualified to serve on the highest court in the land.
11 PARIS HILTON
The extent in which this plastic empty souled waste of space continues to get crammed down our throats is mind-boggling. Ha! I said “crammed down our throats” and “Paris Hilton” in the same sentence!
10 HOLLABACK GIRL
I liked this song better the first time, when it was called “Hey Mickey!”, but it’s about the best song featuring fecal matter and bananas since Lobo’s ‘70s hit “Me and You And a Shitty Banana Named Boo”.
9 RUNAWAY BRIDE, JENNIFER WILBANKS
After concocting a fake kidnap story to get out of a wedding, Jennifer Wilbanks’ bug-eyed face became the most frightening image on TV since The X-Files was canceled.
8 BIRD FLU
Frankly, they’ve crapped on my car one too many times, so I’m all far it! Watch for Fred Phelps’ extreme followers to explain that this is God’s punishment for gay birds.
7 RACIST FLOOD COVERAGE
While much was made about the black “looters” and white “gatherers” in the media’s coverage of the Katrina flooding, why wasn’t there any outcry about the unfair portrayal of failed lesbians as the source of the flooding? And calling them “dykes” on national TV was pretty harsh.
6 MARTHA STEWART
You’d think we’d ended the War in Iraq or elected a new Pope with the level of attention Martha’s release from prison got.
5 TERRELL OWENS
If this guy would put just 10% of the energy he spends being a prima donna into just shutting up and playing the game, he’d be one of the greatest football players of all time. As it stands, he’s about ready for a career of celebrity poker with Dennis Rodman.
4 NAPOLEON DYNAMITE T-SHIRTS
I think it's time to impeach Pedro.
3 ARUBA KIDNAP VICTIM, NATALEE HOLLAWAY
The media was never more racist than it's coverage of the missing white Alabama teen. News channels covered her disappearance round the clock, while Hispanic woman Carmen Sandiego remains missing with no media attention whatsoever.
2 TOM CRUISE
Tom Cruise is completely sane, virile, exhibits self control, is a member of a totally rational non-cult religion, does not eat babies, and does not use mind control to trick Hollywood starlets into carrying the seed of space-demons.
1 HURRICANES
They proved to be a bit inconvenient this year, to say the least. Hopefully next year’s deadly locust plagues and rivers of blood will help put it all behind us once and for all.
