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Some questions for those chick that have/had crazy BF's or husbands

KillahBee

KillahBee

New member
I see a lot of mention of it on EF, actually, a TON. A lot of crazy husbands/ex-husband bullshit and them stalking you and so on and so forth. Do any of you blame yourselves in part for poor judgement? Did your men go from angel to satan in the snap of a finger (honestly...) with absolutely no warning? Not meant to be a flame, just trying to understand cause it seems weird to me that it occurs so often around here. Sawastea, is Paolo still mailing you his used tighty whities?
 
Male or female, isn't it always the other person that is the psycho, jerk, crazy, etc.?

It's just one of those universal things. People never want to blame themselves or admit any fault.
 
Hmm..in my situation, the psycho stalking behaviour didn't happen until after I broke up with him.

Looking back on the relationship, I guess there were a couple things that happened that may have been indicative, but when 98% of the time things are normal.. you don't really see it coming.
 
alien amp pharm said:
Male or female, isn't it always the other person that is the psycho, jerk, crazy, etc.?

It's just one of those universal things. People never want to blame themselves or admit any fault.
Click to expand...


it ain't universal for me, bitch. I was taughted better.
 
Seashell said:
Hmm..in my situation, the psycho stalking behaviour didn't happen until after I broke up with him.

Looking back on the relationship, I guess there were a couple things that happened that may have been indicative, but when 98% of the time things are normal.. you don't really see it coming.
Click to expand...
Didn't notice the boiled bunny?
 
EnderJE said:
Can't admit to being owned, Chief Science Officer?
Click to expand...


guy, I have had a few grammatical errors in my day, but if I ever say "taughted" seriously, please move to have me banned and raped by African elephants.
 
Guys who start off as controlling pyschos get dumped fast. I'm pretty sure there's a secret school though where they teach them to be loving and wonderful. Then you fall for them and they're SO awesome and then next thing you know they're in love.

Then the BS starts. Just a little at a time. And you think "well this is weird, maybe he's just having a bad day or something". But then he's wonderful to you most of the time and you overlook it. But the BS increases as time goes on and you get more and more confused. They start tearing you apart little by little until you can barely remember what you used to be like.

But you hang in there hoping it'll be like it used to be. By the time you figure out what's really going on you're just fucked. And at that point it's hard to know what to do next. So you get out of it. You think "I'm NEVER letting anyone treat me that way again".

Then you tend to have it happen again and a long way into it, when you realize that you're in the same spot you were before you wonder what the hell it is about you that lets you wind up in such awful situations.
 
Raina said:
Guys who start off as controlling pyschos get dumped fast. I'm pretty sure there's a secret school though where they teach them to be loving and wonderful. Then you fall for them and they're SO awesome and then next thing you know they're in love.

Then the BS starts. Just a little at a time. And you think "well this is weird, maybe he's just having a bad day or something". But then he's wonderful to you most of the time and you overlook it. But the BS increases as time goes on and you get more and more confused. They start tearing you apart little by little until you can barely remember what you used to be like.

But you hang in there hoping it'll be like it used to be. By the time you figure out what's really going on you're just fucked. And at that point it's hard to know what to do next. So you get out of it. You think "I'm NEVER letting anyone treat me that way again".

Then you tend to have it happen again and a long way into it, when you realize that you're in the same spot you were before you wonder what the hell it is about you that lets you wind up in such awful situations.
Click to expand...

But at that point, you ask yourself if you want to stay and love the person. If the answer is yes, then you seek counselling with him. If not, then you charge up his cards and run like hell.
 
Raina said:
Guys who start off as controlling pyschos get dumped fast. I'm pretty sure there's a secret school though where they teach them to be loving and wonderful. Then you fall for them and they're SO awesome and then next thing you know they're in love.

Then the BS starts. Just a little at a time. And you think "well this is weird, maybe he's just having a bad day or something". But then he's wonderful to you most of the time and you overlook it. But the BS increases as time goes on and you get more and more confused. They start tearing you apart little by little until you can barely remember what you used to be like.

But you hang in there hoping it'll be like it used to be. By the time you figure out what's really going on you're just fucked. And at that point it's hard to know what to do next. So you get out of it. You think "I'm NEVER letting anyone treat me that way again".

Then you tend to have it happen again and a long way into it, when you realize that you're in the same spot you were before you wonder what the hell it is about you that lets you wind up in such awful situations.
Click to expand...

sounds depressing
this is why prostitution should be legal for men and women
:)
 
Raina said:
Guys who start off as controlling pyschos get dumped fast. I'm pretty sure there's a secret school though where they teach them to be loving and wonderful. Then you fall for them and they're SO awesome and then next thing you know they're in love.

Then the BS starts. Just a little at a time. And you think "well this is weird, maybe he's just having a bad day or something". But then he's wonderful to you most of the time and you overlook it. But the BS increases as time goes on and you get more and more confused. They start tearing you apart little by little until you can barely remember what you used to be like.

But you hang in there hoping it'll be like it used to be. By the time you figure out what's really going on you're just fucked. And at that point it's hard to know what to do next. So you get out of it. You think "I'm NEVER letting anyone treat me that way again".

Then you tend to have it happen again and a long way into it, when you realize that you're in the same spot you were before you wonder what the hell it is about you that lets you wind up in such awful situations.
Click to expand...

This is what I figured. And maybe it's easier coming from someone who just does not trust people and is a natural pessimist, but I just cannot believe that any adult could let their heart rule their brain like that. Maybe I am just an emotionless robot (which I have been called by many a lady and I have NO PROBLEM with), but it just seems like most women or even men in that situation like to blame "feelings" for their lack of common sense and intelligence. Never made sense to me. Does love/relationships require leaving your brain at the door?
 
I'm not necessarily saying that's what I'm in now but I've played that game with men for years.

Not that I don't take any responsibility for being in those situations but mostly I just lost my mind completely and wound up in the hospital for a variety of reasons. I think a lot of people would be surprised by how low some of my lows have been. but it really explains a lot about who I am and what I've lived through.

No regrets though. I am who I am today as a result of every experience that I've had.
 
Most abusive/controlling relationships don't start out that way. They are on their best behavior until something triggers their controlling personality, then the abuse starts. The same thing happens when the abuser tries to get back together with the person they abused.
 
Having been in those relationships more times than I can count, I can say that pessimism would be nice. But that's not how I am. I pretty much run around in life saying "here's my heart....feel free to stomp on it if you want". The highs are high. The lows are low. But I'm glad that I experience everything in life to the fullests. Good and bad.

That doesn't just go for romantic relationships either. That's just how I live.
 
Raina said:
Having been in those relationships more times than I can count, I can say that pessimism would be nice. But that's not how I am. I pretty much run around in life saying "here's my heart....feel free to stomp on it if you want". The highs are high. The lows are low. But I'm glad that I experience everything in life to the fullests. Good and bad.

That doesn't just go for romantic relationships either. That's just how I live.
Click to expand...
Isn't that dangerous?
 
EnderJE said:
Isn't that dangerous?
Click to expand...


Of course it is and I am sure she knows it. But you can't make people be who they are not. This is why I gave up on chicks. I do not want that chick (the one that throws herself into it with full emotion) right now and I have not found that sensible chick yet (go ahead and replace "yet" with "ever" and make that my post in 2056).
 
Is it dangerous? I suppose because you can get hurt. But like I said, when you reaalllly let yourself be open and raw with people the highs are so highs that the cost of the lows is worth it.
 
KillahBee said:
I see a lot of mention of it on EF, actually, a TON. A lot of crazy husbands/ex-husband bullshit and them stalking you and so on and so forth. Do any of you blame yourselves in part for poor judgement? Did your men go from angel to satan in the snap of a finger (honestly...) with absolutely no warning? Not meant to be a flame, just trying to understand cause it seems weird to me that it occurs so often around here. Sawastea, is Paolo still mailing you his used tighty whities?
Click to expand...

I will only speak for myself. For me it had a lot to do with my insecurities and how I felt about myself. I am strong believer in you attract what you feel and reflect to others. I don't blame myself or this person (one time is enough for me). I look at it as a lesson. I'm a stronger woman because of it. That being said, after a year of healing and learning to love myself, I can confidently say I haven't dated a stalker, abuser, psychotic man in 4 years and I never will again.
 
nycgirl said:
I will only speak for myself. For me it had a lot to do with my insecurities and how I felt about myself. I am strong believer in you attract what you feel and reflect to others. I don't blame myself or this person (one time is enough for me). I look at it as a lesson. I'm a stronger woman because of it. That being said, after a year of healing and learning to love myself, I can confidently say I haven't dated a stalker, abuser, psychotic man in 4 years and I never will again.
Click to expand...


perfect answer. thank you.
 
hamstershaver said:
its never the womans fault
Click to expand...
exactly

but btw my ex has said he was going to kill me and noone would know who did it
hes over it now
 
I've never been in an abusive relationship, and the closest thing to a stalker that I had was this guy that I dated for 3 weeks. He decided that he was going to page me 20 times in about 20 minutes, and then I finally got to a phone and called him back and asked was he hurt he said no, you didn't call me back so I was wondering where you were, do you want to go to the movies. Well the answer was no and that was the end of "us".

I don't trust people easily, it takes awhile for me to open up. I'm not that girl that falls head over heels for almost every guy she meets, I've only been in love twice, and both times it took around a year for that to happen, I really have to know the guy before giving him my heart.
 
big4life said:
Most abusive/controlling relationships don't start out that way. They are on their best behavior until something triggers their controlling personality, then the abuse starts. The same thing happens when the abuser tries to get back together with the person they abused.
Click to expand...
I know a couple that have been in this kind of cycle. She loves him, they get together, after several months he starts getting possesive, jealous, accusatory, abusive. He starts hitting her, she leaves. Months later, he goes to therapy, they get back together, cycle starts all over again. This has happened threes times, over the course of 4 yrs.
Once when she was about to leave, he said, "If I ever get abusive again, slap me to smarten me up."
She slapped him & he called the cops on her. She was charged with aggravated assault, because it was domestic violence.
I told her I would take care of him for her & she woouldn't talk to my wife or I for 2 months.
 
Instead of women thinking that the BF has "turned into an asshole", and his bullshit has gone off the chart have you women EVER stopped to think along these lines?

According to my wife "We teach people how to treat us" (she's watching too much Dr. Phill - eek!). To a large degree that is correct. Essentially YOU have taught this guy to be a jerk or whatever. Maybe not entirely, but feelings of resentment towards him never seem to include what a fucking bitch the woman has become to the man. Ever stop to think there is something inside YOU LADIES that makes these guys turn into these hideous monsters?

Sure some guys (any gender) are just plain fucking nuts. Stalking/owning behavior, controlling etc. But to have the idea of "payback" for something that YOU took a part in, makes me sick to my stomach at the female gender. Do you still make him feel valued? Or do you nag the shit out of him and wonder why he's a prick lately? Do you take a serious interest in his stuff and respect him? Or do you secretly rue the fact that he hangs with his homies, watches sports, or whatever while formally saying "no that's ok with me" (the truth of the resentment does seep through and become realized by the man). Really, do you turn into a bitch some days and expect to be forgiven? Do you allow him this?

If you were in a dance hall and every dancer you went on the floor with stepped on your toes, wouldn't you start to think YOU were doing something wrong? Or would you make a generalization that says "all men can't dance worth a shit, they're all shitty dancers".

Sure some women are realistic regarding the SMALL EXTRACT of examples above, however to resent the guy and want to charge up a plastic storm cause you feel like you were robbed of your knight in shining armour with the castle and the fairy tale is just plain fucking immature.

Both women and men have it rough. Men have pressures that women will NEVER understand, just as women have pressures men will NEVER understand. You women IMHO want your man to be and act "just like my friends do", yet at the same time you want them to be your lover, someone to console you, a strong leader, a follower, a father, friend, a confidant, a roomate, a husband, a worker, independant yet dependant on you, and all these personal roles that can conflict with each other. If he is not in the correct role at the correct time to suit your needs or your mood, suddenly HE'S letting you down. Meanwhile he's just trying as hard as you are.

Now mind you this is directed in general to those women that fit this category. There are plenty of women out there that deserve a real relationship/life and end up with a plain asshole. And on behalf of all men everywhere, I aplogize for their idiocy. However, my point is, be careful in how you attibute your resentment to your man. You may very well be unrealistic in your expectations.

Ever wonder why all the men you meet keep turning into assholes but your cousin/friend/co-worker has a husband who's just "one of the good ones"? It's not about getting lucky and getting a bull's eye here. Likely you're either not seeing what's below the surface, or hopefully they just "mesh" nicely with each other's expectations of each other, and they've both correctly taught each other how to treat each other. Even if you "took" her husband, I'd bet dollars to dog-nuts that he'd turn into every other man you've dated.

I firmly believe that in so many generations since our wonderfull socializer called television we've spoiled the pot for them. Everyone expects the Brady Bunch, Father Knows Best, etc. All these "happy examples" of family that we grew up with staring at for hours at a time where everything, and everyone's issues are resolved and "happy" by the end of the hour.

There is no knight in shining armour. And ladies, guess what. Just because you have tits and a hole doesn't mean you all deserve it. There is no "happily ever after". I'm sorry if you were socialized to believe it.

Now for the sake of all the pissed off women on this board. Please reverse all genders in the above rant, and guess what, the rant applies to men as well.

And of course that's just my mis-informed opinion. I apolgize in advance for all the people it's pissed off.
 
hidngod said:
I know a couple that have been in this kind of cycle. She loves him, they get together, after several months he starts getting possesive, jealous, accusatory, abusive. He starts hitting her, she leaves. Months later, he goes to therapy, they get back together, cycle starts all over again. This has happened threes times, over the course of 4 yrs.
Once when she was about to leave, he said, "If I ever get abusive again, slap me to smarten me up."
She slapped him & he called the cops on her. She was charged with aggravated assault, because it was domestic violence.
I told her I would take care of him for her & she woouldn't talk to my wife or I for 2 months.
Click to expand...


I've seen that cycle far too many times. I volunteered with a women's shelter for many years until I just saw too much. You see women come in who feel like they had no choice but to stay in a relationship, no matter how much they get abused. It can be very discouraging to see it never end. :(
 
ive never met a woman who has ever been wrong... conspiracy? i think not!!
 
nutsnack said:
ive never met a woman who has ever been wrong... conspiracy? i think not!!
Click to expand...


I know that you're joking, but abuse is not really a joking matter. Once you look into the eyes of a woman who was abused you would realize what I'm talking about.
 
Other than major up and down jealousy issues, it wasn't until I left him that I witnessed his insanity.
 
We must all claim responsibility for our lives.

Why did I end up with an abusive asshole for a husband? Or better yet... Why did I CHOOSE to marry him?

A host of reasons...

I was very young when I married and had serious selfesteem issues due to many years of abuse - emotional, physical and finally sexual from a very young age.

I thought I could "fix him". I was going to love him enough to "make it alright".

I was raised to believe that jealousy and control were not only acceptable behaviors but actually DESIRABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

I was abused from the time I was very young and figured that as long as he didnt beat me - it wasn't abuse. I kicked him out the night the abuse finally escalated to physical violence... He didnt get to that point until I told him we were done and he was losing control of me. He never got a second chance to beat me as I kicked him out and NEVER looked back after the first time.

The abuse ALWAYS escalates when the controlled person begins to try to leave the relationship. Classic and famous example? Nicole Brown Simpson and OJ.

Why did it happen?


BECAUSE I ALLOWED IT TO.


After I lost it all I could no longer ignore the fact that there was a HYUGE problem with the way that I was living my life and knew that I needed to CHANGE ME. Excellent counseling and me being a constant work in progess has helped me to evolve to who I am today... still have a long way to go, but waaaaaaaaaay far away from who I had been nearly 20 years ago.

Since my exhusband I have successfully broken the cycle. I do not give 2 seconds of my time to any man that is REMOTELY controlling/jealous or who I feel MIGHT have violent tendencies. Actually, I have swung the other way in that I am sure I must have cut many nice men off before I got the chance to know them or they me.

My last beau was bipolar. But he was medicated. Sadly he did not give up recreational drink and recreational drug use which cancelled out the meds....

In the end, the drugs were more important than me.

He was never violent or controlling or even did he raise his voice. We would have AMAZING times together. Then I would get an email out of the blue stating "we were done." After several months of this back and forth bullshit I finally let go. PERIOD...

Violence and control goes both ways. You just hear waaaaaay more about it when it is the man doing it to the woman.
 
Seashell said:
Hmm..in my situation, the psycho stalking behaviour didn't happen until after I broke up with him.

Looking back on the relationship, I guess there were a couple things that happened that may have been indicative, but when 98% of the time things are normal.. you don't really see it coming.
Click to expand...

I do stalk you online and offline. Offline it's most times very confusing.
 
Ive dumped a completely nice and decent girl that was in love with me and who thought she was going to marry me, all because I was too chicken shit of commitment. It crushed her.

Ive met nice, sweet, decent girls and slept with them only to never call them again.

Ive cussed a woman out for trying to not see me anymore once she found out that I had a girlfriend.

Ive cheated on women and told them about it just so I could make them leave me.

Sometimes its not always the other person whos the bad guy, so everybody just be honest with yourselves.
 
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