this has got to be my favourite sequence from the simpsons....
Homer: [very slowly] Y'ello?
Man: Hello, Homer. This is God...frey Jones from the TV magazine show
"Rock Bottom".
-- Does the first syllable count?, "Homer Bad Man"
The scene switches to Jones at his desk.
Jones: We're aware of your problems, and, Mr. Simpson...we want to help.
Homer: Mmm. I saw that report you did on Sasquatch. It was fair and
even-handed. I'll do it!
-- "Rock Bottom"'s laurels, "Homer Bad Man"
Homer is interviewed on-camera by Godfrey Jones.
Homer: Ehh, someone had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she
was sitting on the gummi Venus, so I grabbed it off her. Oh,
just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy...[moans lustfully] I
just wish I had another one right now. But the most important
thing is --
Jones: That was really great Mr. Simpson. We got everything we need.
Homer: OK. Say, can you introduce me to the Sasquatch? I like his
style.
-- The interview on "Rock Bottom", "Homer Bad Man"
Homer and the rest of his family watch the report that night on "Rock
Bottom".
Homer: Hee hee! Here comes the bouncing ball of justice!
Jones: Tonight on "Rock Bottom", we go undercover at a sex farm for sex
hookers.
Farmer: I keep telling you, I just grow sorghum here.
Man: Uh huh. And where are the hookers?
Farmer: [points] 'round back. [realizes] Whoops.
Jones: But first:
[photo of Ashley and her parents at graduation]
She was a university honor student who devoted her life to kids,
[slomo of Homer reaching for his car keys]
until the night a grossly-overweight pervert named Homer Simpson
gave her a crash course in depravity. "Babysitter and the
Beast"!
-- The "Rock Bottom" show, "Homer Bad Man"
"Aw, crap," laments Homer as the interview is shown.
Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was
sitting on [splice] her sweet [splice] can. [splice] -- o I grab
her -- [splice] sweet can. [splice] Oh, just thinking about
[splice] her [splice] can [splice] I just wish I had he --
[splice] sweet [splice] sweet [splice] s-s-sweet [splice] can.
Jones: So, Mr. Simpson: you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have
to say in your defense?
Homer: [looking lustful in a clearly-paused VCR shot]
Jones: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further.
[paused shot of Homer grows larger]
No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get
back! Mist -- Mr. Simpson -- nooo!
Man: [quickly] Dramatization -- may not have happened.
-- High-quality "Rock Bottom" journalism, "Homer Bad Man"
Homer: [fearfully] Marge? Kids? Everything's going to be just fine.
No go upstairs, and pack your bags...we're going to start a new
life...under the sea.
[calypso music starts]
[Homer dances with fish as Lisa plays a seahorse saxophone,
Marge a squid harp, and Bart the xylophone clams]
Homer: [eats a dancing fish, sings]
Under the sea, under the sea,
[eats a couple more fish]
There'll be no accusations, just friendly crustaceans
Under the sea!
[eats a line of seahorses, grabs an escaping one]
[eats a live crab as though it were a shrimp]
[eats a pair of dancing fish, then a snail who tries to escape]
[stands there with fish skeletons floating about]
Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything: to move under the sea.
It's not going to happen!
Homer: Not with _that_ attitude!
-- The little Homer mermaid, "Homer Bad Man"
Marge: Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over.
[helicopters swoop over the house; news vans pull up]
Homer: It didn't blow over, Marge. Nothing _ever_ blows over for me.
[the car gets flipped by the wind from the helicopters]
-- They only blow over literally, "Homer Bad Man"
The next morning, Homer gets out of the shower to see helicopters
looking into his bathroom window. He panics and slips as cameras flash.
The picture appears on the news that night.
Newsman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent
which he believes gives him sexual powers.
Homer: Hey -- that's a half-truth!
{[changes channels to Sally Jesse Raphael]}
Woman: {[weeping] I don't know Homer Simpson, I -- I never met Homer
Simpson or had any contact with him, but -- [cries
uncontrollably] -- I'm sorry, I can't go on.}
Sally: {That's OK: your tears say more than real evidence _ever_
could.}
-- "Homer Bad Man"
Announcer: Today on "Ben": mothers and runaway daughters reunited by
their hatred of Homer Simpson. And here's your host, Gentle
Ben.
[a bear wearing a helmet with a microphone runs out]
Woman 1: I just have one thing to say: let's have less Homer Simpson
and more money for public schools.
[smattering of applause; Ben growls]
Woman 2: Ben, I have a question --
[Ben runs over to tables piled with food]
Man: No, Ben, no!
[Ben swats him away; men shoot tranquilizers into him]
-- Nightmare daytime talk shows, "Homer Bad Man"
Ben is about to collapse onto the crowd, but the screen goes blank just
in time. Homer changes the channels again.
Announcer: And now we return to "Fox Night at the Movies": "Homer S.:
Portrait of an Ass-Grabber", starring Dennis Franz.
Homer: Ooh, "portrait"! Sounds classy. [looks at family, who look
away] Doesn't it?
[on screen, Franz laughs as he drives through a line of
parking meters while the babysitter screams]
[a cat cleans itself in the middle of the road]
"Ashley": No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature.
"Homer": I don't care. [runs it over]
[crashes into some garbage bins]
"Homer": Now I'm going to grab me some _sweet_.
"Ashley": No, Mr. Simpson, that's sexual harassment. If you keep it
up, I'll yell so loud the whole country will hear
"Homer": [laughs] With a _man_ in the White house? [laughs] Not
likely! [laughs more]
-- Unbiased media coverage, as usual, "Homer Bad Man"
On another channel, Kent Brockman commentates from a helicopter.
Kent: This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the
Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for
highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came
and when Marge Simpson put the cat out...possibly because it was
harassed, we don't know.
Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without
some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it
on.
[screen shows blue house, orange Simpsons watching TV]
Now, this technology is new to me, but...I'm pretty sure that's
Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. [closeup of turkey]
His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees -- he's
literally stewing in his own juices.
[in the studio] Now, here are some results from our phone-in
poll: 95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of
course, this is just a television poll which is not legally
binding, unless proposition 304 passes. And we all pray it will.
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