Please Scroll Down to See Forums Below 
If you read this without laughing out loud,
> there
> > is something wrong with you. This is dedicated
> to everyone who ever
> > attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
> > > Dear Diary, For my fortieth birthday this year,my
> > wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal
> training at the local
> > health club for me.
> > > Although I am still in great shape since playing
> > on my college football team 25 years ago, I
> decided it would be a good
> > idea to go ahead and give it a try.
> > > Called the club and made my reservation with a
> > personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
> herself as a 26 year old
> > aerobics instructor and model for athletic
> clothing and swimwear. My wife
> > seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
> The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
> > > MONDAY:
> > >
> > > Started my day at 6:00 am.
> > > Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
> > when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
> waiting for me. She was something
> > of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes
> and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
> > >
> Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
> > She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the
> treadmill. She was alarmed that
> > my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to
> standing next to her in her
> > Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the
> skillful way in which she conducted her
> > aerobics class after my workout today.
> > >
> > > Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did
> > my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
> from holding it in the whole time she was around.
> > > This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> > >
> > > TUESDAY:
> > >
> > > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made
> > it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back
> and push a heavy iron bar
> > into the air, and then she put weights on it!
> My legs were a little wobbly on
> > the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
> > I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
> > >
> > > WEDNESDAY:
> > >
> > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on
> > the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
> back and forth over it.
> > I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
> Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
> > I parked on top of a GEO in the club
> > parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,
> > insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
> > > Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
> > morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
> whine that is VERY annoying.
> > > My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
> > Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell
> would anyone invent a
> > machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
> by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get
> > in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
> > >
> > > THURSDAY:
> > >
> > > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
> > teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were
> > > pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
> half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
>She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
> the rowing machine --which I sank.
> > >
> > > FRIDAY:
> > >
> > > I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human
> > being has ever hated any other human being in the
> history of the world.
> > Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If
> there were a part of my
> > body I could move without unbearable pain, I
> would beat her with it.
> > Belinda wanted me to work on my
> > > triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
> > don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
> *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells
> > or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
> > >
> > > The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
> > health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it
> have been someone softer, like the
> > drama coach or the choir director?
> > >
> > > SATURDAY:
> > >
> > > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
> > her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did
> not show up today.Just
> > hearing her made me want to smash the machine
> with my planner. However, I
> > lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
> ended up catching
> > eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
> > >
> > > SUNDAY:
> > >
> > > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
> > today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
> over. I will also pray that next year,
> > my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun
> > -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
> there
> > is something wrong with you. This is dedicated
> to everyone who ever
> > attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
> > > Dear Diary, For my fortieth birthday this year,my
> > wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal
> training at the local
> > health club for me.
> > > Although I am still in great shape since playing
> > on my college football team 25 years ago, I
> decided it would be a good
> > idea to go ahead and give it a try.
> > > Called the club and made my reservation with a
> > personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
> herself as a 26 year old
> > aerobics instructor and model for athletic
> clothing and swimwear. My wife
> > seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
> The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
> > > MONDAY:
> > >
> > > Started my day at 6:00 am.
> > > Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
> > when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
> waiting for me. She was something
> > of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes
> and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
> > >
> Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
> > She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the
> treadmill. She was alarmed that
> > my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to
> standing next to her in her
> > Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the
> skillful way in which she conducted her
> > aerobics class after my workout today.
> > >
> > > Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did
> > my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
> from holding it in the whole time she was around.
> > > This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> > >
> > > TUESDAY:
> > >
> > > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made
> > it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back
> and push a heavy iron bar
> > into the air, and then she put weights on it!
> My legs were a little wobbly on
> > the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
> > I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
> > >
> > > WEDNESDAY:
> > >
> > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on
> > the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
> back and forth over it.
> > I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
> Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
> > I parked on top of a GEO in the club
> > parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,
> > insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
> > > Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
> > morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
> whine that is VERY annoying.
> > > My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
> > Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell
> would anyone invent a
> > machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
> by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get
> > in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
> > >
> > > THURSDAY:
> > >
> > > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
> > teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were
> > > pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
> half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
>She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
> the rowing machine --which I sank.
> > >
> > > FRIDAY:
> > >
> > > I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human
> > being has ever hated any other human being in the
> history of the world.
> > Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If
> there were a part of my
> > body I could move without unbearable pain, I
> would beat her with it.
> > Belinda wanted me to work on my
> > > triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
> > don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
> *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells
> > or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
> > >
> > > The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
> > health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it
> have been someone softer, like the
> > drama coach or the choir director?
> > >
> > > SATURDAY:
> > >
> > > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
> > her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did
> not show up today.Just
> > hearing her made me want to smash the machine
> with my planner. However, I
> > lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
> ended up catching
> > eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
> > >
> > > SUNDAY:
> > >
> > > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
> > today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
> over. I will also pray that next year,
> > my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun
> > -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
