Open Letters

[dullboy]

dear angry waiter at del friscos steak house,

a sophisticated drinker knows a martini is made only with gin. a drink made with vodka and served in a cocktail glass might be delicious, but martini is an unfortunately common misnomer - typically applied by the unsophisticated and déclassé who are putting on airs. in the future, don't take your anger out on martini drinkers who don't want the wrong liquor for their selected drink.


signed,
an unapologetic gin drinker.

 

[stilleto]

Dear stray cat,

After spending all day trying to find a place that will take you in and then realizing that my only choice was a lady who already owns 211 cats (yes, 211), i've decided you can stay in my barn. There's a bed in there for you now and food. enjoy it- you're a really cute girl.

-stilleto

 

[CO B-man]

Dear sir or Maam,
Although Gin is traditionally the liqour used in a martinin, vodka has also always been used. Many people such as myself prefer a vodka martini (Dirty martini cause I love a drink you can also eat) over a gin martini. Please forward your adress so I can send you a "Who gives a shit about what you think" award that we reserve only for special customers such as yourself.

Thank you for spending your time with us and you should have specified gin before you orderred your fifth one. Sorry we had to cut you off then!

Signed
One who drank more in a night than most could drink in a month

 

[medical]

Dear Stupid Cashier at Dilliard's:
When refunding my 30% off, it would be wiser if you hit the minus key rather than the plus after multiplying the total by .7.........but thank you for my $104.36 early Christmas present.

 

[dullboy]

Dear sir or Maam,
Although Gin is traditionally the liqour used in a martinin, vodka has also always been used. Many people such as myself prefer a vodka martini (Dirty martini cause I love a drink you can also eat) over a gin martini. Please forward your adress so I can send you a "Who gives a shit about what you think" award that we reserve only for special customers such as yourself.

Thank you for spending your time with us and you should have specified gin before you orderred your fifth one. Sorry we had to cut you off then!

Signed
One who drank more in a night than most could drink in a month

dear co b-man,

you're the opposite of funny. perhaps unfunny?

warm regards,

dullboy

 

[superqt4u2nv]

dear co b-man,

you're the opposite of funny. perhaps unfunny?

warm regards,

dullboy

Dear Dullboy,

You really now how to put a smile on a girls face.

Thanks for the laugh,

SuperQT

 

[Arabian]

dear angry waiter at del friscos steak house,

a sophisticated drinker knows a martini is made only with gin. a drink made with vodka and served in a cocktail glass might be delicious, but martini is an unfortunately common misnomer - typically applied by the unsophisticated and déclassé who are putting on airs. in the future, don't take your anger out on martini drinkers who don't want the wrong liquor for their selected drink.


signed,
an unapologetic gin drinker.

lol

 

[p0ink]

dear superqt4u2nv,

the neon pink, stripper jumpsuit you have on really accentuates your tropicana orange-like complexion.

i suggest you either ask for a refund, stop tanning, or both before santa brings you an incurable case of melanoma this christmas.

love always,

p0ink

PS there are few things god hates more than ketamine addicted homosexuals, and bad tans are one of them.

 

[dullboy]

Dear stray cat,

After spending all day trying to find a place that will take you in and then realizing that my only choice was a lady who already owns 211 cats (yes, 211), i've decided you can stay in my barn. There's a bed in there for you now and food. enjoy it- you're a really cute girl.

-stilleto

dear stilleto,

i'll show you for threatening to banish me to the barn. that putrid smell that you'll be detecting in a few weeks is the rotting corpse of a dead rat that i hid someplace where you'll never clean. which come to think of it, is everywhere in the house, you lazy tw*t.

love,

your cat.
*hiss*

 

[p0ink]

dear feisty,

has anyone ever told you you would be great as the frigid, morally-devoid, cheating housewife on american beauty? you and annette benning look like sisters.

surely you must be in the real estate business.

admiring the similarities,

p0ink

PS is your boyfriend named lester?

 

[superqt4u2nv]

dear superqt4u2nv,

the neon pink, stripper jumpsuit you have on really accentuates your tropicana orange-like complexion.

i suggest you either ask for a refund, stop tanning, or both before santa brings you an incurable case of melanoma this christmas.

love always,

p0ink

PS there are few things god hates more than ketamine addicted homosexuals, and bad tans are one of them.

Dear p0ink,

It is called protan people use it for this little sport called bodybuilding. The hot pink jump suit was the only thing I had that I didn't care getting stained beyond repair.

Yours in Sport,

SuperQT

 

[superqt4u2nv]

Dear Sushi,

Please stop calling my name. I have had you several times since coming out of prep yet you still call my name and wish to be eaten.

Yours in hunger,

SuperQT

 

[p0ink]

Dear p0ink,

It is called protan people use it for this little sport called bodybuilding. The hot pink jump suit was the only thing I had that I didn't care getting stained beyond repair.

Yours in Sport,

SuperQT

dear superqt4u2nv,

the same effect could have been achieved by eating your bodyweight in shrimp, like a flamingo.

please flush that bottle of protan down the toilet.

one love,

p0ink

 

[dullboy]

dear coworker in the stall,

dullboy is sorry to inform you that your "courtesy flush" did not successfully mask the sounds you made a few moments ago, as I stood at the sink washing my hands. dullboy heard everything. That must be quite a bad case of mudbutt you have there. dullboy says that even though he heard it, he doesn't think any less of you. next time, don't bother to try to cover it up with a fake flush. just let it all out, dude. we've all been there.

sincerely,
dullboy

 

[p0ink]

dear smurfy,

it has come to my attention that your ex-husband may not be the father of your child, as evidenced by your refusal to have a paternity test done before his birth.

does your ex-husband know the name and prison identification number of the real father?

d-block for life,

p0ink

 

[superqt4u2nv]

dear coworker in the stall,

dullboy is sorry to inform you that your "courtesy flush" did not successfully mask the sounds you made a few moments ago, as I stood at the sink washing my hands. dullboy heard everything. That must be quite a bad case of mudbutt you have there. dullboy says that even though he heard it, he doesn't think any less of you. next time, don't bother to try to cover it up with a fake flush. just let it all out, dude. we've all been there.

sincerely,
dullboy

OMFG I am almost crying.

 

[RottenWillow]

....typically applied by the unsophisticated and déclassé who are putting on airs.

A word not used since Blair in Facts of Life, ca 1982.

 

[stilleto]

dear poink,

If you even attempt to write me a letter and analyze my life, i'll cut you. deep.

stilleto

 

[Gambino]

dullboy=northeastern aristocratic snob ala john kerry

 

[habitualhealth]

dear coworker in the stall,

dullboy is sorry to inform you that your "courtesy flush" did not successfully mask the sounds you made a few moments ago, as I stood at the sink washing my hands. dullboy heard everything. That must be quite a bad case of mudbutt you have there. dullboy says that even though he heard it, he doesn't think any less of you. next time, don't bother to try to cover it up with a fake flush. just let it all out, dude. we've all been there.

sincerely,
dullboy

lmao sooooo happens in the bathroom here all the time.

best letter yet.

 

[redguru]

A word not used since Blair in Facts of Life, ca 1982.

She's still a prude.

 

[ErikZ]

Dear All,
Oowoo we're halfway there... owooo livin' on a prayeer

 

[p0ink]

dear stilleto,

it has come to my attention you have named yourself after a rather slutty style of shoe. do you have fetish involving shoes or feet, or are you prominently featured on one of the many fetish sites on the internet?

have you ever considered being a drug mule in addition to being a writer?

eagerly waiting,

p0ink

PS peach cobbler is a dessert not a gay shoe maker.

 

[dullboy]

poink this thread isn't meant for personal attacks against the female populace of this board.

rather, it's a sounding board for expressing every day frustrations that you encounter away from this messageboard.

dullboy can start another thread for you to neg hit the chicks. maybe you'll get some ass as a bonus.

 

[p0ink]

poink this thread isn't meant for personal attacks against the female populace of this board.

rather, it's a sounding board for expressing every day frustrations that you encounter away from this messageboard.

dullboy can start another thread for you to neg hit the chicks. maybe you'll get some ass as a bonus.

i'm not attacking any of them. i like feisty, stilleto, and super...i'm just having fun.

 

[dullboy]

i'm not attacking any of them. i like feisty, stilleto, and super...i'm just having fun.

please don't miscontrue my words. i understand that you like them. you're probably friends with them as well, in that nerdy internet friendz way that only nerds like us who post on messageboards can understand, but you're ruining dullboys thread.

dullboy works hard to come up with good ideas for threads.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

Dear Customer,

Please explain to me how exactly it takes your purchasing department 3 days to generate a hard copy PO. I told you we have limited stock on this and if you don't get me a hard copy PO by 4:00 today your SOL.

Cold Regards,

SuperQT

Dear Grade 1 Teacher,

Thank you for the cut and paste skills I had no idea they would come in handy in the corprate world.

Yours trully,

TheCloser AKA SuperQT

 

[stilleto]

dear stilleto,

it has come to my attention you have named yourself after a rather slutty style of shoe. do you have fetish involving shoes or feet, or are you prominently featured on one of the many fetish sites on the internet?

have you ever considered being a drug mule in addition to being a writer?

eagerly waiting,

p0ink

PS peach cobbler is a dessert not a gay shoe maker.

dear P0ink,
being the great writer that you are, I'm sure you own a dictionary. I suggest you look up the spelling of the word stiletto, as you'll find it is not spelled the same way as my username.
This in fact, makes your entire letter to me, not only null and void, but also stupid.

sincerely,
stilleto

 

[jnevin]

BURN!!!


Er,

Dear p0ink,


BURN!!

Stilleto