Need some input from you seasoned step parents...

[cranny]

Here's the deal. My wife and I are very frustrated over the lack of help from our kids real father. I have 2 step boys which for the most part are really good boys. One is 13 and the other is 15. Well the oldest is letting his grades slip little by little and we're doing all we can to emphasize the importance of grades for college as well as applying yourself w/ whatever you may do. The last report card he had 2 failing grades. This resulted in restriction of various things. His reply to his mom was, "well dad won't keep me on restriction when I'm over there, I'll do whatever I want". We've talked to my wife's ex numerous times about supporting whatever discipline is handed down. He says he won't enforce it b/c he only gets to see them every other weekend. See that's fucked up. We look like the assholes that are nothing but disciplinarians that make them do chores, be accountable, and responsible. But when they're over there it's always fun time. There's no work to be done no chores just good times. How do you compete w/ that? Hopefully they will understand once they get older but it damn sure doesn't seem right or fair at the moment to us which are the main providers for them. I won't get into their dad's past w/ him not seeing them for 4 years or being incarcerated for not paying child support b/c he thinks I make enough to cover it all. Any suggestions on how to cope w/ the fact that our boys think we're just mean sprited assholes that make them do what's expected of them and be accountable all the while dad is just the greatest?

 

[seaking420]

tough situation, I have no experience in this, but I do see both sides. The real father wants to spend quality time with his kids since he only see's them 4x/month. I see both of your points.

 

[Tytan]

Have the school councelor confer the importance of his grades and the input the father should have.

 

[alien amp pharm]

Yeah that's a tough one, but honestly if I was in the guys shoes I would inform the kids that grades and schooling are important, but I would not ruin what little time I have with MY kids enforcing rules that my exwife and her boytoy (no offense) think should be made. Listening to her/you would be the last thing I'd do.

That's my honest take if I was in his shoes. I can see how it's frustrating for you though.

 

[heatherrae]

Here's the deal. My wife and I are very frustrated over the lack of help from our kids real father. I have 2 step boys which for the most part are really good boys. One is 13 and the other is 15. Well the oldest is letting his grades slip little by little and we're doing all we can to emphasize the importance of grades for college as well as applying yourself w/ whatever you may do. The last report card he had 2 failing grades. This resulted in restriction of various things. His reply to his mom was, "well dad won't keep me on restriction when I'm over there, I'll do whatever I want". We've talked to my wife's ex numerous times about supporting whatever discipline is handed down. He says he won't enforce it b/c he only gets to see them every other weekend. See that's fucked up. We look like the assholes that are nothing but disciplinarians that make them do chores, be accountable, and responsible. But when they're over there it's always fun time. There's no work to be done no chores just good times. How do you compete w/ that? Hopefully they will understand once they get older but it damn sure doesn't seem right or fair at the moment to us which are the main providers for them. I won't get into their dad's past w/ him not seeing them for 4 years or being incarcerated for not paying child support b/c he thinks I make enough to cover it all. Any suggestions on how to cope w/ the fact that our boys think we're just mean sprited assholes that make them do what's expected of them and be accountable all the while dad is just the greatest?

Hey Cranny,

yeah, i know it is frustrating but most parents apply their own rules and own discipline when they are at their house. Hopefully, since you two have the boys most of the time, your good influence will work its magic.

They say that sort of stuff now just to try to get their way, but when they grow up, they will admit that they appreciated you guys for your concern and care for them.

 

[vixensghost]

I'm not a step parent but I am a parent.

You can not control what happens when they are with thier dad.

But....YOU can control what happens in your home and in school. Keep doing what you are doing and someday those boys WILL see that you were the one who really loved and wanted the best for them.

Hardest job in the world, being a tough love parent. At least they will have a solid foundation from you to be responsible adults.

Keep tough and don;t waiver.

 

[cranny]

Yeah that's a tough one, but honestly if I was in the guys shoes I would inform the kids that grades and schooling are important, but I would not ruin what little time I have with MY kids enforcing rules that my exwife and her boytoy (no offense) think should be made. Listening to her/you would be the last thing I'd do.

That's my honest take if I was in his shoes. I can see how it's frustrating for you though.

Boytoy, lol! We've been married for 10 yrs.
I see what you all are saying and I understand his position but to ignore something like bad grades when you're this close to college isn't a very good idea IMO. Our job as a parent isn't to be their friend all of the time. To me a parent's responsiblilty is to get that kid ready for adulthood. Again, the worst part of this isn't that he's not punishing them, rather it's that we're portrayed as assholes that make them be accountable while everything at his place is nothing but fun times and carefree living. Therefore they're hinting around as if that's where they want to live b/c of the conditions. Just don't like the label we're getting.

 

[alien amp pharm]

Boytoy, lol! We've been married for 10 yrs.
I see what you all are saying and I understand his position but to ignore something like bad grades when you're this close to college isn't a very good idea IMO. Our job as a parent isn't to be their friend all of the time. To me a parent's responsiblilty is to get that kid ready for adulthood. Again, the worst part of this isn't that he's not punishing them, rather it's that we're portrayed as assholes that make them be accountable while everything at his place is nothing but fun times and carefree living. Therefore they're hinting around as if that's where they want to live b/c of the conditions. Just don't like the label we're getting.

Kids are a pain in the rear whenever you, as the parent, try and do the right thing. Even if they resent you now, they will surely be thankful once they are older and in the real world. That's the way I've seen it work, Boytoy.

 

[jenscats5]

Boytoy, lol! We've been married for 10 yrs.
I see what you all are saying and I understand his position but to ignore something like bad grades when you're this close to college isn't a very good idea IMO. Our job as a parent isn't to be their friend all of the time. To me a parent's responsiblilty is to get that kid ready for adulthood. Again, the worst part of this isn't that he's not punishing them, rather it's that we're portrayed as assholes that make them be accountable while everything at his place is nothing but fun times and carefree living. Therefore they're hinting around as if that's where they want to live b/c of the conditions. Just don't like the label we're getting.

But you'd get that label regardless - teenagers don't like rules & discipline & they will be pissy & hateful about it cuz they are teenagers.....unfortunately, you're just going to have to deal with it till they get older.....Sucks but that's the way it is.....so it's not just a "step parent thing."

The father isn't going to include any rules due to hm feeling guilt over "abandoning" his kids.....makes him feel better about the whole thing.....

BTW - yes, I'm a step-parent....

 

[-SD-]

You have no power, you arent their dad. Only their dad can influence them properly. sorry.

 

[SpyWizard]

negative reinforcement of unacceptable behavior is not the way to go.. i lived it, and i raised 2 kids, 1 decided she would follow suit..

There must be something he is excited about.. make that the goal, not avoidance of pain be the motivator..

I bet that's as clear as mud..

 

[Smurfy]

Here's the deal. My wife and I are very frustrated over the lack of help from our kids real father. I have 2 step boys which for the most part are really good boys. One is 13 and the other is 15. Well the oldest is letting his grades slip little by little and we're doing all we can to emphasize the importance of grades for college as well as applying yourself w/ whatever you may do. The last report card he had 2 failing grades. This resulted in restriction of various things. His reply to his mom was, "well dad won't keep me on restriction when I'm over there, I'll do whatever I want". We've talked to my wife's ex numerous times about supporting whatever discipline is handed down. He says he won't enforce it b/c he only gets to see them every other weekend. See that's fucked up. We look like the assholes that are nothing but disciplinarians that make them do chores, be accountable, and responsible. But when they're over there it's always fun time. There's no work to be done no chores just good times. How do you compete w/ that? Hopefully they will understand once they get older but it damn sure doesn't seem right or fair at the moment to us which are the main providers for them. I won't get into their dad's past w/ him not seeing them for 4 years or being incarcerated for not paying child support b/c he thinks I make enough to cover it all. Any suggestions on how to cope w/ the fact that our boys think we're just mean sprited assholes that make them do what's expected of them and be accountable all the while dad is just the greatest?

You cannot control what the ex does with his kids when they are at his house. If they're not being neglected or harmed, then you pretty much have to just carry on with what you're doing during the time they are with you. I am experiencing pretty much the same exact situation. But my son only visits with his Dad every month or two since we live in Maryland and he's in Indiana.

 

[DannoMight]

Where is the real dad in life. Does he make a decent living or have a stable job? Or is he struggling paycheck to payckeck to make it.

Plus if they don't go to college then the amount of hotties they see in everyday life WILL drastically decrease. I still wish I would have gone to college rather than trade school.