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My ass is broken. The horror.

ChefWide

ChefWide

Elite Mentor
Platinum
Walking with my son down some recently painted concrete stairs, I slipped. Landed full force on the leading edge of the stair right in the middle of my left ass cheek.

Thought I was going to pass out. Lost my vision. Hurt worse than when i broke my arm in three places a couple years ago wiping on some single track.

This was sunday afternoon. Now the swelling is still so savage that it is like a c-cup breast has been grafted onto my bum and I have to wear my fatty pants that I was saving for the typical after pictures in August. They are the only thing that will fit over my new 'friend'.

The really great part is that the black/deep ruby red hematoma is starting to show around the swelling. OMG. It's starting to scare me. It goes from my ass crack to my hip bone and even weighted vest fag mentioned my unusual disposition.

Should I be freaked out by this? Should I be in the car (very painful to sit, let alone drive) on the way to the hospital? What happens if I just grin and bear it? Am I risking bigger problems?

thanks

Cheffy ThirdBlackButcheekMan
 
slip and fall on the other ass cheek. then you'll have matching C-cups on your ass. it'd be like having your own tits to play with. you'd be all set.
 
You'll be fine. You'll probably end up with a permanent hard spot on your butt. Go see a doc just in case, but it's nothing to be too worried about.
 
onerepmaximum said:
I hope they don't have to amputate.
Click to expand...

LOL

Hope you're OK. I had a similar experience last summer. I was staying in a friend's ski chalet. We were out late drinking waaaaay too much the night before and I was laying in bed thinking, "God, please don't get sick in my friend's place. It would be sooooooooo embarrassing." I picked up my wrap (long silk sarong) and made my way down the narrow shiny wood steps. Nearly at the bottom I caught the end of the sarong underneath my heel and ended up sitting down but HARD at the bottom of the stairs... Talk about embarrassing! My friend who was sleeping in the area downstairs woke with a start. "Are you OK?!" I was half-laughing, 'Yea, fine... go back to sleep."

Needless to say I had some 'splainin to do to my kids as to how mommy got two HYUGE black and blue marks that covered her ENTIRE ASS (I wear only thongs or am neked around my kids most of the time, especially if the weather is hot. I don't like AC.)

HEhehehehehehheeheeee

"I fell and I couldn't get up!"

HEhehehehehehehhee My God but it was funny. I swear it took well over 2 weeks for the bruises to fade completely!
 
ChefWide said:
Walking with my son down some recently painted concrete stairs, I slipped. Landed full force on the leading edge of the stair right in the middle of my left ass cheek.

Thought I was going to pass out. Lost my vision. Hurt worse than when i broke my arm in three places a couple years ago wiping on some single track.

This was sunday afternoon. Now the swelling is still so savage that it is like a c-cup breast has been grafted onto my bum and I have to wear my fatty pants that I was saving for the typical after pictures in August. They are the only thing that will fit over my new 'friend'.

The really great part is that the black/deep ruby red hematoma is starting to show around the swelling. OMG. It's starting to scare me. It goes from my ass crack to my hip bone and even weighted vest fag mentioned my unusual disposition.

Should I be freaked out by this? Should I be in the car (very painful to sit, let alone drive) on the way to the hospital? What happens if I just grin and bear it? Am I risking bigger problems?

thanks

Cheffy ThirdBlackButcheekMan
Click to expand...

Are you an ASSassin?


Your new theme song: Chef fell on his end....right on his end...my friend.


Chef it sounds like you have fractured your cocsis (sp?) That's the assbone. My aunt broke her's once. You should have an xray to r/o the need for surgery to realign the bones for proper healing but most likely they'll just confirm it's broken and suggest one of those innertube thingies for you to sit on for the next 12 weeks. If it is broken you definitately need one of those cushions else it'll take forever to heal properly.

I know you're in misery! My sympathies. :(
 
No pun intended but go to the hospital and get your ass tapped. That's where they drain the hematoma to prevent damage from too much blood pooling before any of you smart asses comment. At least afterwards you won't have your "new Friend".

Then you can use the old pick up line "Do you have a keg in your pants?......Cause I wanna tap that ass"

Couldn't resist

Cheers,
Scotsman
 
the good news is that there wasnt anything sticking straight up from the stairs when you fell on it, and now is also not the time for you to make an assvatar
 
Werd said:
Needless to say I had some 'splainin to do to my kids as to how mommy got two HYUGE black and blue marks that covered her ENTIRE ASS (I wear only thongs or am neked around my kids most of the time, especially if the weather is hot. I don't like AC.)

!
Click to expand...

put some f'ing clothes on around your kids. you can teach them all you want about where babies come from, but i severely doubt they wanna see where THEY came from specifically.
 
get some leather chaps to wear while you're healing man, keep it open to the air.

and get your son to drive you to the hospital while you lay down in the backseat! seriously
 
Xrays say..... no broken bones! But the bleeding was pretty massive, so says the doc, so they made me go through one of these hand held doppler sonograms?!??! FUCKING UNREAL!! My wife had sonos every time we had little chefs, but that was at least three years ago, the technology has changed A LOT!!

I could see, in color, the hematoma and blood pooling, the veins and arteries, in red and blue no less and the blood coursing through them! Unreal. And some big ass nerve (sorry, pun hell on this thread), cyatic(?) was pretty swolen, so he said, and that was what was making my whole leg hurt.

Any woozle: no 'tapping' needed, but the Doc enjoyed sticking his finger up my Brown Zone (I wonder how he did that with both hands on my shoulders? hmmmm....) Major hot packs rotated with ice packs for the next 8 hours to loosen up the bloody goodies, and some Hydrocodone 4's to loosen-up everything else, yippee!!

I like knowing.


ps: how much would an emergency room visit like this: doctor, specialist, xray and uberPooperScooper Sonogram cost? Anyone know?
 
ChefWide said:
Xrays say..... no broken bones! But the bleeding was pretty massive, so says the doc, so they made me go through one of these hand held doppler sonograms?!??! FUCKING UNREAL!! My wife had sonos every time we had little chefs, but that was at least three years ago, the technology has changed A LOT!!

I could see, in color, the hematoma and blood pooling, the veins and arteries, in red and blue no less and the blood coursing through them! Unreal. And some big ass nerve (sorry, pun hell on this thread), cyatic(?) was pretty swolen, so he said, and that was what was making my whole leg hurt.

Any woozle: no 'tapping' needed, but the Doc enjoyed sticking his finger up my Brown Zone (I wonder how he did that with both hands on my shoulders? hmmmm....) Major hot packs rotated with ice packs for the next 8 hours to loosen up the bloody goodies, and some Hydrocodone 4's to loosen-up everything else, yippee!!

I like knowing.


ps: how much would an emergency room visit like this: doctor, specialist, xray and uberPooperScooper Sonogram cost? Anyone know?
Click to expand...

glad to hear you got some good drugs!
FYI it was $2,200 when I had to have my stomach pumped in an emergency
 
Well at least you didn't get your ass tapped, or wait was that his finger? :worried:

Anyway good to hear nothing really bad going on.

Cheers,
Scotsman
 
crak600 said:
chef - didn't you tell him the brown zone was for unloading only? :lmao:
Click to expand...

I try. But you really cant argue with the guy with the D & C tools and a .38 shorty.

By the by, you know what the whole sh'bang cost me? Including the drugs?(I love Iceland)




$84
 
crak600 said:
put some f'ing clothes on around your kids. you can teach them all you want about where babies come from, but i severely doubt they wanna see where THEY came from specifically.
Click to expand...

Ummmmm your comment makes sense ...... how?

Just to make you feel better my kids know EXACTLY where they came from. At least my eldest does as she was present for the birth of one of their siblings... That child held the newborn even before I or their father did. Imagine that.... the child actually shares a special bond with the sibling they saw come into the world and held before any other member of the family did.

Also, just to make you feel better, did you know that it is legal and acceptable to sunbathe completely nude in public parks in Germany?

Americans really REALLY need to pull their heads out of their uptight assholes. :qt:
 
crak600 said:
you got issues, and while i know there's a lot of people that feel the same way, at least i'm not afraid to say it.
Click to expand...

And those issues would be?

Actually, I hate to tell you this but there are countless people in many parts of the world who would say that about YOU and I am not afraid to tell you that. I hope you aren't afraid to LISTEN.... LOL.

There is no shame in the human body. It is a creation of beauty. Just because you are ashamed of yours, don't put that on me. ;)
 
crak600 said:
i'm not ashamed of anything. however, i don't prance around in front of my kids in my underwear.
Click to expand...

Do you wear a bathing suit? What is the difference?

I am still waiting for you to explain to me how it is that I have issues because I am not ashamed of my nudity in front of my children. You claim you are not ashamed of YOUR body yet you feel the need to cover it in front of your very own children.

I guess I also have issues because I nursed my babies... with my NAKED breasts.

Think about how ludicrous your statements are. I should be ashamed of my nude body in front of my children.
 
Lumberg said:
You'll be fine. You'll probably end up with a permanent hard spot on your butt. Go see a doc just in case, but it's nothing to be too worried about.
Click to expand...
someones knee landed on my left leg in fullforce during practice, and it swelled up so weird it looked like my leg had been broken in half and it hurt soo fucking bad to even walk, and it was bruised and swollena nd hard for about 2 months.

there is still a hard spot and a dark mark on it and i think this happend in december or early jan
 
crak600 said:
i'm not ashamed of anything. however, i don't prance around in front of my kids in my underwear.
Click to expand...

Dude, I love ya and all, but now I am a bit concerned about how big a total freak you are.... you are uptight about 'prancing' around in front of your kids in your underwear? What do you do when you and your kids go swimming? Don't you hillbillies shower?

:lmao:

Do you put horseblinders on your kids for gym in school? They see PENIS' there!! Do you have the channel block on for Discovery chanel in case the is some aboriginal booty on that day?

What, exactly, is wrong with you or your body that you are so scared of your own blood seeing it?

Dood, there may be some issues that you would not want to discuss on some bulletin board and I totally agree with that, but think for a moment what that kind of bizarre puritanical 'your body is bad' behaviour is doing to your kids! Do you want them to carry around that kind of baggage? Why?

Case in point. At the public pools here, on billboards, on t.v., in magazines there are breasts and asses. Male and female. Not genitals. Not porn. Just naked bodies. WHO THE FUCK CARES!?!? It just a human body! In the states you would get a $500000 fine for that. That is absolute cave man ingnorance, I tell you.

You build a solid long lasting structure from the foundation up. Right? Our phycholgical foundations as humans are built upon the worthiness of ourselves as memebers of our chosen society. How can a kid have a fighting chance at happiness when from day one they are taught that their very bodies are dirty!?? To be hidden at all costs? 'You are a walking disgrace and so is everyone else, so don't look, if you do, you are bad.' Nice.

Case in point: this morning over coffee (me with the coffee, my 5 & 10 year old sons have coffee cups with chocolate milk to be like daddy, love it!) my kids asked me how big the bruise was on my butt. So I showed them. Reaction? 'Ow, that looks pretty bad, will it go away' (10 year old) to 'Wow, purple and red and yellow and spotts and....' it goes on (5 year old)

Not 'Daddy, BLASPHEMER! Hide that expanse of flesh, you perverter!'

Once or twice a week we go to the pool together, all five of us (killer public pools in iceland, wicked modern stuff with multiple jacuzzies of different temps and big water slides for the kids, steam rooms, saunas, the whole deal: for about $1.50). We all undress together shower before getting in the pool then on go the bathing suits and into the water. Are you telling me you couldn't do that? What a drag.
 
Last edited:
ChefWide said:
Dude, I love ya and all, but now I am a bit concerned about how big a total freak you are.... you are uptight about 'prancing' around in front of your kids in your underwear? What do you do when you and your kids go swimming? Don't you hillbillies shower?

:lmao:

Do you put horseblinders on your kids for gym in school? They see PENIS' there!! Do you have the channel block on for Discovery chanel in case the is some aboriginal booty on that day?

What, exactly, is wrong with you or your body that you are so scared of your own blood seeing it?

Dood, there may be some issues that you would not want to discuss on some bulletin board and I totally agree with that, but think for a moment what that kind of bizarre puritanical 'your body is bad' behaviour is doing to your kids! Do you want them to carry around that kind of baggage? Why?

Case in point. At the public pools here, on billboards, on t.v., in magazines there are breasts and asses. Male and female. Not genitals. Not porn. Just naked bodies. WHO THE FUCK CARES!?!? It just a human body! In the states you would get a $500000 fine for that. That is absolute cave man ingnorance, I tell you.

You build a solid long lasting structure from the foundation up. Right? Our phycholgical foundations as humans are built upon the worthiness of ourselves as memebers of our chosen society. How can a kid have a fighting chance at happiness when from day one they are taught that their very bodies are dirty!?? To be hidden at all costs? 'You are a walking disgrace and so is everyone else, so don't look, if you do, you are bad.' Nice.

Case in point: this morning over coffee (me with the coffee, my 5 & 10 year old sons have coffee cups with chocolate milk to be like daddy, love it!) my kids asked me how big the bruise was on my butt. So I showed them. Reaction? 'Ow, that looks pretty bad, will it go away' (10 year old) to 'Wow, purple and red and yellow and spotts and....' it goes on (5 year old)

Not 'Daddy, BLASPHEMER! Hide that expanse of flesh, you perverter!'

Once or twice a week we go to the pool together, all five of us (killer public pools in iceland, wicked modern stuff with multiple jacuzzies of different temps and big water slides for the kids, steam rooms, saunas, the whole deal: for about $1.50). We all undress together shower before getting in the pool then on go the bathing suits and into the water. Are you telling me you couldn't do that? What a drag.
Click to expand...


You soooooooooooo obviously have issues! LOL No wonder you left the states!!! We don't want you peeps with issues here.... Go live in one of those obviously substandard countries.

IT IS A FACT THAT THE US IS THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE AND NO OTHER PLACE CAN EVEN TRY TO HOLD A CANDLE!!!!

:FRlol:
 
Werd said:
Also, just to make you feel better, did you know that it is legal and acceptable to sunbathe completely nude in public parks in Germany?

Americans really REALLY need to pull their heads out of their uptight assholes. :qt:
Click to expand...

The reflexive association of nudity with sexuality just strikes me as incredibly adolescent.


I was thinking about this general topic on my way to work this morning. I dont understand why this county still tends towards generally conservative social norms given the amount of continuing immigration we experience. Seems like the puritan ethnic would be diluting more than it is by now.
 
anya said:
The reflexive association of nudity with sexuality just strikes me as incredibly adolescent.


I was thinking about this general topic on my way to work this morning. I dont understand why this county still tends towards generally conservative social norms given the amount of continuing immigration we experience. Seems like the puritan ethnic would be diluting more than it is by now.
Click to expand...

WERD


(I guess I am not the only board member with "issues"... eh?) :qt:
 
anya said:
The reflexive association of nudity with sexuality just strikes me as incredibly adolescent.


I was thinking about this general topic on my way to work this morning. I dont understand why this county still tends towards generally conservative social norms given the amount of continuing immigration we experience. Seems like the puritan ethnic would be diluting more than it is by now.
Click to expand...

My point is that its A.OK to associate like that. YOU SHOULD associate the two, strictly in terms of the appropriate differences between men and women, or men and men, I suppose, and in certain circumstances nudity should most definitely be a catalyst for fun things...

and before anyone goes off into inappropriate areas revolving around being naked or semi naked in front of your kids and that effect on their sexuality, I have this to ask: You would worry about your family members in regards to sexual reactions to seeing other family members partially clothed? then you have more problems at home than a measure of how much clothing is being worn.

Anya: When you were thinking of this in the car, were you also thinking of me? :chomp:
 
Last edited:
ChefWide said:
and before anyone goes off into inappropriate areas revolving around being naked or semi naked in front of your kids and that effect on their sexuality, I have this to ask: You would worry about your family members in regards to sexual reactions to seeing other family members partially clothed? then you have more problems at home than a measure of how much clothing is being worn.
Click to expand...


WERD


I am sooooooooooooo glad that you so eloquently verbalized this for me! ;)
 
I just don't want to see anyone in my family naked (including me) because we are all pale white and kind of fat. So going to the pool together would look like a whale migration probably. :biggrin:

Seriously though there shouldn't be a big deal about it but dumbasses keep passing on this nonsense to their kids.

Cheers,
Scotsman
 
Oh shit.

So last damn may I had the fall, the damn hematoma is STILL not gone, so I went to the doctor again to day.. every have a fat, sweaty nerd rub lube all over your ass cheek and hum Green Day while prodding you with a sonogram wand?

It will take a week for my nuts to crawl back down out of my chest cavity.
 
ChefWide said:
Oh shit.

So last damn may I had the fall, the damn hematoma is STILL not gone, so I went to the doctor again to day.. every have a fat, sweaty nerd rub lube all over your ass cheek and hum Green Day while prodding you with a sonogram wand?

It will take a week for my nuts to crawl back down out of my chest cavity.
Click to expand...

:lmao:

Now that was a visual...
 
Kroliczek said:
lol. frisky...lol. and blah blah sitting in a tree...
Click to expand...

You want me don't you :qt:
 
ChefWide said:
Oh shit.

So last damn may I had the fall, the damn hematoma is STILL not gone, so I went to the doctor again to day.. every have a fat, sweaty nerd rub lube all over your ass cheek and hum Green Day while prodding you with a sonogram wand?

It will take a week for my nuts to crawl back down out of my chest cavity.
Click to expand...
So your dating again?
 
WODIN said:
So your dating again?
Click to expand...


You asked me not to, but now you asked for it: holmes had a beard just like yours bro. Most disconcerting considering the position I was in...

Frisky and Kroliwojyaperogiwicz: do you take requests?

:lmao:
 
ChefWide said:
You asked me not to, but now you asked for it: holmes had a beard just like yours bro. Most disconcerting considering the position I was in...

Frisky and Kroliwojyaperogiwicz: do you take requests?

:lmao:
Click to expand...

Yes, and theres also a 'rate our performance' form by the door... :chomp:
 
Frisky said:
Yes, and theres also a 'rate our performance' form by the door... :chomp:
Click to expand...


Nah. You'll be able to judge your performance just fine.


:lmao:
 
Kroliczek said:
lol. That's what i was thinking...c'mon frisky, the sign REALLY says:

"rate your performance"
Click to expand...

lol... ;)
 
Allon said:
ehmmm, so how is your ass dude ? :)
Click to expand...

Fine like wine, Sunshine!


Actually, it might be 'procedure time', I have to wait for my gp to check with the sonogram dude.

Most disturbing.
 
this thread stinks of domestic violence, you dont have a haemotoma for 6 months

its ok mr smoove, you can talk to me. nothing to be ashamed about, mate. there are lots and lots of gutless, useless, effeminate eunichal men out there who get beaten to hell by their wiv...ahem. i mean, domestic violence affects men, too.

lol dont mind me im delirious from lack of sleep :p
 
Chef's brown eye got violated by the doc!! :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :mommakin:

Sorry bro, had to say it

Whiskey
 
Y_Lifter said:
The concern is a clot breaking off and going to your lungs..
Click to expand...

Or brain. Yes, it has been discussed.

The results seem to be pointing to it being fibroid at this point, which is good, better yet would be pure fluid, but that does not seem likely.

Who knew my ass was life threatening. Pretty silly.
 
Kroliczek said:
lol. That's what i was thinking...c'mon frisky, the sign REALLY says:

"rate your performance"
Click to expand...


you misunderstood me, my dear.

:chomp:
 
I told you you were gonna end up with a permanent hard spot in your ass. If your doby chemistry were proper and/or you drank a lot of milk it could have calcified.
 
Lumberg said:
I told you you were gonna end up with a permanent hard spot in your ass. If your doby chemistry were proper and/or you drank a lot of milk it could have calcified.
Click to expand...

I was told that was the case, but that it would have to be near devoid of circulation for calcification to occur. Right now it looks like a bunch of needles in my but cheek to 'drain' (isnt that a nice word, sure, I knew it was) the fluids if any, then vigorous and prolonged tissue breaking, eye crossing massage, followed by hot tub, ice bath, repeat, more massage.

Fun with Chefs ass. the Horror.
 
Lumberg said:
prolotherapy
Click to expand...

Sorry lums, I am trying to avoid the extra carbs....

;)
 
The gay overtures here will not work, you mincing butpirates, you swishbuckling backdoor buckaneers.

ITS THE CHEEK, not the singularity, m'kay? Now toss off, ya fags.

It doesnt even hurt, I'm just bit underwhelmed at this point to continue porting around my 'leetle fren'.
 
ChefWide said:
Fun with Chefs ass. the Horror.
Click to expand...

I'd like to see that Ghetto... Bootay....... ;)
 
ChefWide said:
The gay overtures here will not work, you mincing butpirates, you swishbuckling backdoor buckaneers.

ITS THE CHEEK, not the singularity, m'kay? Now toss off, ya fags.

It doesnt even hurt, I'm just bit underwhelmed at this point to continue porting around my 'leetle fren'.
Click to expand...

I'd gladly toss off if I didn't have all the images of your ass frozen in what's left of my mind after reading this thread.















THE HORROR :lmao:
 
bluepeter said:
I'd gladly toss off if I didn't have all the images of your ass frozen in what's left of my mind after reading this thread.

THE HORROR :lmao:
Click to expand...


aye. you just prevented me from eating. good show, Maplecandydude.
 
Dear chef's ass:
I'm sorry you're hurt. i wish there was a way i could make you feel better, but i'm ass phobic. please go see a doctor and sit on some ice.
thank you,
sugarplum's kitty.
 
Sugarplum said:
Dear chef's ass:
I'm sorry you're hurt. i wish there was a way i could make you feel better, but i'm ass phobic. please go see a doctor and sit on some ice.
thank you,
sugarplum's kitty.
Click to expand...




Dear Sugarplum's kitty,

Right around the other side is pressure release valve, if you go over there it will stand up and wave, you cant miss it. Just hop right on up there, Ill do all the work.

regards,

Chef's ass.
 
ChefWide said:
Dear Sugarplum's kitty,

Right around the other side is pressure release valve, if you go over there it will stand up and wave, you cant miss it. Just hop right on up there, Ill do all the work.

regards,

Chef's ass.
Click to expand...


lol... very clever.
:rose:
 
ChefWide said:
Dear Sugarplum's kitty,

Right around the other side is pressure release valve, if you go over there it will stand up and wave, you cant miss it. Just hop right on up there, Ill do all the work.

regards,

Chef's ass.
Click to expand...


:lmao: .............. that was good
 
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