Married and Divorced People - Please Read

[decem]

i'm getting married to a wonderful woman in may.. may 10th to be exact.. for alot of good reasons.. for some not so good reasons.. for some unexplained reasons.. etc etc.. and i'm actually kinda excited.. but i'm also kinda skeered... there's still some doubts as to whether or not it's the right thing to do.. but there's just as many times when i KNOW i'm doing the right thing..

anywho.. i was just wondering.. if you're bored.. or got time to kill.. if you could cover the following topics/questions as well as whatever other input you'd like to provide..

if divorced:

1. could you give a very brief explanation of what happened
2. why it happened
3. if you think it could have been avoided
4. if you knew it was going to happen all along (if not, how long it took you to realize it just wasn't gonna work)
5. what type of relationship you had prior to marriage
6. if you looked back on it - could you clearly see that you should have never gotten married in the first place
7. how long did you date prior to marriage
8. if you were scared as fuck prior to marriage
9. if the divorce was the biggest pain in the ass you ever went through or if it was relatively painfree, etc etc....
10. did you ever cheat on your partner prior to or while married?

if still married:

1. have you thought about divorce
2. were you scared prior to getting married
3. did you have any doubts whatsoever
4. are you happy because of your marriage (not because of kids)
4. would you be happier if you had never married
5. has your marriage been good or bad for the most part
6. how was your relationship prior to marriage
7. how long did you date prior to marriage
8. have you ever been or are you now attracted to other women
9. did you ever cheat prior to or while married?

 

[The Shadow]

if still married:

1. have you thought about divorce
2. were you scared prior to getting married
3. did you have any doubts whatsoever
4. are you happy because of your marriage (not because of kids)
4. would you be happier if you had never married
5. has your marriage been good or bad for the most part
6. how was your relationship prior to marriage
7. how long did you date prior to marriage
8. have you ever been or are you now attracted to other women
9. did you ever cheat prior to or while married?

1 - yes
2 - yes
3 - no
4 - yes - it has made me a better person
4b - no for the above reason
5 - good
6 - good
7 - 1 year
8 - of course
9 - no

 

[havoc]

If there is any doubt you should not go through with it.
Too many people are together these days for the wrong reasons. Kids and financial situations come to mind with the quickness. I hope things work out, however, if I had to bet on your situation, IF I HAD TO mind you, I would say that in the long run, with your outlook as of right now things would lean towards it not working out. One should not go into a situation such as this with doubt or second guessing whatsoever. peace Decem and good luck!

 

[HumorMe]

if still married:

1. have you thought about divorce
2. were you scared prior to getting married
3. did you have any doubts whatsoever
4. are you happy because of your marriage (not because of kids)
4. would you be happier if you had never married
5. has your marriage been good or bad for the most part
6. how was your relationship prior to marriage
7. how long did you date prior to marriage
8. have you ever been or are you now attracted to other women
9. did you ever cheat prior to or while married?

1. I have never thought about divorce because my wife is too wonderful.
2. A little scared but not much.
3. I never had a doubt about marriage.....it's just one of those things where you know it is right!
4. I am very happy and it's been 15 years. I love her more now than I ever have.
4. I am the marrying type so I would have been pretty miserable as a batchelor.
5. My marriage has been pretty good. Never let the sun set on an argument.
6. I dated her for 6 years before marriage. We never had a problem.
7. see above.
8. I see other women all the time, sure I look but nobody can match my wife. I see attractive women and they are nice to look at but I have no desire whatsoever to try anything. Look but don't touch. I even tell my wife when we are together...hey...look at that girl...she'll either agree with me or disagree with me. We are not the jealous type. We have a very sound comfortable relationship. We are best friends too!
9. Cheating has never entered my mind before or after marriage. Things get too complicated if you cheat. Besides, no matter how pretty the other woman is or how good of a fuck she is....somebody else is tired of putting up with her shit!


My vows were taken and said before God and I wouldn't have said them if I didn't mean them. Marriage is something that won't work unless each person doesn't put 110% into the marriage. I am one happy camper so to speak!
I wish you luck though! If it isn't right....don't do it!

 

[Bikini Mod]

I don't have the time to give your questions the proper attention right now (gotta run and babysit for my sis all day today, her and the hubby are getting away for a little "them" time hehe). But I will post up first chance I get.

All I can say about this in short is that you should be shit scared, but dead sure. Marriage is a SERIOUS commitment not to be taken lightly (not saying that you don't know this as you OBVIOUSLY do).

My ex tried to "postpone" the wedding shortly before (which I KNEW meant cancel). But being the silly child I was, I insisted on counseling as I was SURE that I could love enough for both of us and it would "fix" any problems that we had.... simply wouldn't take NO for an answer. Not to mention the fact that the invitations had been sent out and I couldn't suffer the shame of having the wedding called off. Talk about being A SILLY CHILD!... like the shame of a failed marriage is any better?!

Deep down I guess my ex realized then what took me almost thirteen years to figure out; that he was not capable of loving me as fully as I did him... uconditionally and without doubt, he was never capable of FULLY giving all of himself to me for fear that I would take what he had given me and somehow shatter him. He has taken EVERY moment of human weakness that I willingly exposed to him, twisted it and put it out for all to see - both to those people who "know" us and to total strangers in a court of law.... there is nothing left for me to hide from anyone, I have nothing to fear, no shame left.

Funny how now HE is the one that WILL NOT LET GO.

I guess that sometimes one never knows how good they have it until it is gone. Me on the other hand, regardless of how shitty the divorce has made things for me, I STILL HAVE NOT HAD ONE SINGLE MOMENT'S REGRET IN MY DECISION TO FASCILITATE MY DIVORCE. The only pain that I find intolerable is what his insane need to hurt me is doing to our children.

Think about this Decem.

 

[decem]

One should not go into a situation such as this with doubt or second guessing whatsoever. peace Decem and good luck!

trust me man.. that's they way i've felt for a long time.. and that's why i never committed to her before.. and why i'd always break things off.. only to find myself missing her like crazy after i could no longer push her memory out of my head and my heart..

for those that are going to say it's not going to work for me because i am somewhat "negative" toward it at this point... for one.. just think of all those fools who fell "in love" and were so absolutely SURE that they were doing the right thing.. only to have their marriages fall apart a few months or a few years later.. surety does in no way factor in to how one's marriage will be.. secondly.. i'm pessimistic about everything.. being pessimistic about something.. for ME anyhow.. does not automatically mean there'll be a negative outcome..

 

[havoc]

trust me man.. that's they way i've felt for a long time.. and that's why i never committed to her before.. and why i'd always break things off.. only to find myself missing her like crazy after i could no longer push her memory out of my head and my heart..

for those that are going to say it's not going to work for me because i am somewhat "negative" toward it at this point... for one.. just think of all those fools who fell "in love" and were so absolutely SURE that they were doing the right thing.. only to have their marriages fall apart a few months or a few years later.. surety does in no way factor in to how one's marriage will be.. secondly.. i'm pessimistic about everything.. being pessimistic about something.. for ME anyhow.. does not automatically mean there'll be a negative outcome..

Good points, like I said, I honestly hope it works out and you two are together till your both old and grey. peace

 

[THeMaCHinE]

I'm echoing part of what Havoc said. If you have any doubt about the longevity of the marriage, don't rush into it. Remember marriage involves a great deal of compromise, as such, you may not get to do some of the things you want to do in life -- and you must not hold that other person accountable for your unfulfilled dreams.

If I had it to do over again, I would DEFINITELY WITHOUT A DOUBT seek marriage counseling prior to getting married; this simple step would have saved mountains of pain, doubt, tribulation -- and made our union much stronger earlier. A fantastic resource for this that I would emphatically reccommend is www.marriagebuilders.com -- they have a fantastic weekend getaway with a 19 week course (that you do at home together) afterwards.

Contrary to romantic notion, it takes more than just love to sustain a relationship.

Now, to your questions:

if still married:

1. have you thought about divorce -- Yes, came damn close too

2. were you scared prior to getting married -- No, I knew it was right beyond a doubt

3. did you have any doubts whatsoever -- not that I remember

4. are you happy because of your marriage (not because of kids) -- yes, but realize that eupohric happiness is cyclical

4. would you be happier if you had never married -- impossible to know, but I doubt it strongly

5. has your marriage been good or bad for the most part -- my marriage is very good now and has been for some time; there have been bad times though; Given the length of our marriage, 4 years, about half has been good, 1/4 has been mediocre, 1/4 has been very bad. Through hard work and determination, our marriage has grown awesomely over the last 2 years. We love one another very much. And show it every day.

6. how was your relationship prior to marriage -- it was not as good as I thought (imagined) it was, but it was good for the most part.

7. how long did you date prior to marriage -- 6 years. Too long. 1-1/2 is perfect in my opinion.

8. have you ever been or are you now attracted to other women -- yes -- but attraction is just that. I still find my wife, the mother of my children, the most attractive woman on the face of the earth.

9. did you ever cheat prior to or while married -- No

 

[beastboy]

if still married:

1. have you thought about divorce
2. were you scared prior to getting married
3. did you have any doubts whatsoever
4. are you happy because of your marriage (not because of kids)
4. would you be happier if you had never married
5. has your marriage been good or bad for the most part
6. how was your relationship prior to marriage
7. how long did you date prior to marriage
8. have you ever been or are you now attracted to other women
9. did you ever cheat prior to or while married?

1. No
2. Yes
3. Yes, but I overcan them.
4. Yes
5. Good
6. Good most of the time
7. 5 years
8. Well that sure is a stupid question....of course
9. Prior too, but never while....

 

[Y_lifter]

if still married:

1. have you thought about divorce
Only Briefly during a bad heated debate. Now we agree never to Divorce, just kill each other.

2. were you scared prior to getting married
Yes, In fact 2 months before I asked her, I got cold feet so bad I broke up with her for 2 weeks and dated an old GF. I realized my mistake and explained to her how scaired I was..

3. did you have any doubts whatsoever
Not after I explained my fears to her, we talked and she made it all better

4. are you happy because of your marriage (not because of kids)
Yes, I have been alone by myself during my 14 years of marriage for 2 weeks or so on Business trips and even though you look forward to the time alone, being alone sucks IMO. It is so nice having someone you can trust to cover your back, argue with you or discuss something on your mind without judging you or holding a grudge for too long.

4. would you be happier if you had never married
No, see item 4

5. has your marriage been good or bad for the most part
Very good. All relationships have bad. The key is that the Good must way way outweigh the bad for it to work.

6. how was your relationship prior to marriage
Most women are a bit more restrained in trying(and I said trying) to change your ways before they marry you. After marriage they seem to realize the rules are a bit changes and they can try to push the limits of their power over you. Before marriage most people bite their tounges a bit more than after IMO..

7. how long did you date prior to marriage
13 months

8. have you ever been or are you now attracted to other women
A BIG HELL YEA ! My woman trusts me emphatically to be loyal romanticaly and Sexually. She realizes, as I do with her, that it is Normal to be attracted physically to beautiful people. She will even point the Hot ones out to me at the beach etc. and tell me "Damn, you missed a couple of hotties when you were gone"

9. did you ever cheat prior to or while married?
No, The Guilt would kill me...