Don't know what to say here except that there is no one right answer for anyone. You have to decide what is right FOR YOU...not for your spouse, not even for the kids.
I stayed in a marriage with an insanely jealous man (my fault, I knew how he was when I married him. I was young and thought that jealousy was part of love. Once I grew up and had children, I realized that JEALOUSY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE - PERIOD!). I thought that if I stayed and loved him enough, I would be able to undo the damage done by his parents and he would see that it was ok to trust, support and respect me the way that I did him....more immaturity on my part.
I stayed as I took my commitment to my spouse and my children very seriously. We tried several counselors all to no avail. It wasn't until my daughters began to grow and actually voice how they REALLY felt about me that I started to wake up and realize how truly shabbily I had been treated. I clearly remember one morning as my two older girls (then 2nd and 1st graders) were having breakfast and getting ready for school, discussing a homework assigment about "moms and their jobs". Well my two older daughters gleefully chimed, "My mom's a big nothing!" I almost died right there. But this was as much my fault as my husband's. I allowed him to treat me that way - PERIOD.
So I started to change. I began to stand up for myself and try to "be somebody" (because, of course, being a wife, mother and business partner was A BIG NOTHING)....the more successfull I became, the prouder my girls became of me...and the angrier he became.
Finally, our relationship reached "the point of no return" several months ago and my life has been spinning out of control, it seems, ever since. But the reality is - I HAVE CONTROL FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! And though my girls are very hurt by their father's behaviour, this is NOT ME.....it is him and he will reap what he sows. I built him up to be the "superdad". Though he was better than the average father in the 50's.....he could have been sooooooooo much more. But like I said, that is not MY failure....IT IS HIS.
Children are resilient. I now have full custody (which I did NOT ask for - under the circumstances the court awarded it to me pending final settlement) and we are closer than ever. Does it break my heart to see the bitter disappointment in my girls' faces when their father pulls yet another stunt aimed at hurting me through them?! OF COURSE IT DOES!.....But I am here and that is all they need. God willing, he will pull his head out of his ass and realize what he is doing for the sake of the children and HIS OWN.
If I could have one dream come true it would be for my ex to get counseling (I have had a LOT...and could still use more.) so that we can properly co-parent our girls....perhaps someday even be the friends that we never were and always should have been.
I know, I know, it is a stretch...but a girl can dream, can't she?
As for me and my girls, we have each other and that is all that we need.
Good luck to you. I hope that no matter what, things work out for you and the children. Remember, it is better for kids to have two parents that are separate and not consumed with bullshit hopefully allowing them to focus on what is REALLY IMPORTANT - THE KIDS...than for them to have two parents that cohabitate and HATE EACH OTHER'S GUTS.
...just my .02
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