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I Really Need Some Opinions in this Thread....

javaguru

javaguru

Banned
OK, I'm a decent guy and my ex's claim I'm a great boyfriend but they also call me "emotionally unavailable." That's the same phrase my ex-wife used. Now, should I try to be more emotionally available, not something I'm sure that I'm capable of, or should I just stay single and play the field. :)
 
If you try to become "emotionally available", they'll just accuse you of smothering them. You can't win bro, you just can't.
 
Screw that, you are who you are. Why would you change what you have been for this long. Just look for a chick that is searching for a emotionally unavailable guy and then you will be golden, trust me.....
 
fact. everyone has needs. for women, they tend to need someone who will give emotional support (some more than others). if you don't or can't or won't, then their needs arent being met. same for men except their needs usually involve sex. if the woman can't or won't meet their sexual needs , they lose interest. this is all very simple./
 
8and20 said:
u ready 2 settle again?
Click to expand...
It ain't about settling, I've dated some high quality wiminz but they're still wiminz and I really don't understand them....
Shit, my ex-wife makes six figures as an account executive with UPS...that doesn't count her stock bonuses.
 
christopher2100 said:
You jsut need to find the right chick!!!!!!!!!!!
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eh, you'd be hard pressed to find a woman who can survive a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. even those who are the least emotionally needy, will need a man who can be there for them on an emotional level to some degree,

good luck java.
 
Smurfy said:
eh, you'd be hard pressed to find a woman who can survive a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. even those who are the least emotionally needy, will need a man who can be there for them on an emotional level to some degree,

good luck java.
Click to expand...
OMG get off his dick will ya.
 
javaguru said:
It ain't about settling, I've dated some high quality wiminz but they're still wiminz and I really don't understand them....
Shit, my ex-wife makes six figures as an account executive with UPS...that doesn't count her stock bonuses.
Click to expand...
gold digger! there's more to a woman than her six figures!
 
sounds like u realy aren't interested in understanding them either

javaguru said:
It ain't about settling, I've dated some high quality wiminz but they're still wiminz and I really don't understand them....
Shit, my ex-wife makes six figures as an account executive with UPS...that doesn't count her stock bonuses.
Click to expand...
 
javaguru said:
I think that I would be better off as a geigh dude....no wiminz drama, we could hang out and play video games all night while knowing there was going to be some sex involved later. :worried:
Click to expand...

^^^

Also, this is my 28K post.
 
Smurfy said:
fact. everyone has needs. for women, they tend to need someone who will give emotional support (some more than others). if you don't or can't or won't, then their needs arent being met. same for men except their needs usually involve sex. if the woman can't or won't meet their sexual needs , they lose interest. this is all very simple./
Click to expand...
I was married, listened to her drama and agreed with her that suzie was a whore. When my ex wife got lo balled for a job after she got her MBA I supported both of us and encouraged her and she got a great job, her parent's were concerned when we decided to get divorced because they considered me her "rock." I think that it's more about me being a Romney like android.
 
javaguru said:
I was married, listened to her drama and agreed with her that suzie was a whore. When my ex wife got lo balled for a job after she got her MBA I supported both of us and encouraged her and she got a great job, her parent's were concerned when we decided to get divorced because they considered me her "rock." I think that it's more about me being a Romney like android.
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dude the only reason I speak to this is because I have been and continue to be (to some degree) accused of the same. every relationship you encounter, whether it be romantic or not, is about needs. and each participant has to have their needs met in order for the relationship to continue to thrive. everyone needs someone who is emotionally available to some degree - even men (surprise, surprise).
 
Alls I need is metal and strippers. I am unaffected by human emotion.

I want the music loud and the wimminz silent.
 
Smurfy said:
dude the only reason I speak to this is because I have been and continue to be (to some degree) accused of the same. every relationship you encounter, whether it be romantic or not, is about needs. and each participant has to have their needs met in order for the relationship to continue to thrive. everyone needs someone who is emotionally available to some degree - even men (surprise, surprise).
Click to expand...
Isn't that the rub. Me being emotionally available wasn't quite enough for their definition of emotionally available. Probably why I was so attached to Melody, she was just as emotionally closed off as I am and we worked on physical cues. :)
 
javaguru said:
Isn't that the rub. Me being emotionally available wasn't quite enough for their definition of emotionally available. Probably why I was so attached to Melody, she was just as emotionally closed off as I am and we worked on physical cues. :)
Click to expand...
well...that sounds awkward.

Where is Melody now? What happened to that relationship?
 
javaguru said:
Isn't that the rub. Me being emotionally available wasn't quite enough for their definition of emotionally available. Probably why I was so attached to Melody, she was just as emotionally closed off as I am and we worked on physical cues. :)
Click to expand...

Start reading Cosmo and watching Oprah bro.
 
Smurfy said:
well...that sounds awkward.

Where is Melody now? What happened to that relationship?
Click to expand...
Mel is a Jesus freak and you know where I stand....I took her to a Sanctus Real concert for her b-day(her favorite Christian rock band)...that was freaky...those Christian rockers waiving their hands in the air while joining in a unified trance.... :worried:
 
javaguru said:
OK, I'm a decent guy and my ex's claim I'm a great boyfriend but they also call me "emotionally unavailable." That's the same phrase my ex-wife used. Now, should I try to be more emotionally available, not something I'm sure that I'm capable of, or should I just stay single and play the field. :)
Click to expand...

Don't try anything. Just be yourself. Eventually life will change you to the point where you're emotionally available. OR you will find an emotionally unavailable woman OR find a woman who likes java for the guru he is. You will work things out.
 
Cal_21 said:
Don't try anything. Just be yourself. Eventually life will change you to the point where you're emotionally available. OR you will find an emotionally unavailable woman OR find a woman who likes java for the guru he is. You will work things out.
Click to expand...
Apparently wiminz don't like emotionally unavailable bros. Should I blame my parents? :)
 
javaguru said:
Mel is a Jesus freak and you know where I stand....I took her to a Sanctus Real concert for her b-day(her favorite Christian rock band)...that was freaky...those Christian rockers waiving their hands in the air while joining in a unified trance.... :worried:
Click to expand...
oh, so you two broke up over religion?
 
it's almost impossible that he's actually asking this question.

it's right up there with "i just finished taking a shit. should i wipe my ass?" me, i think he'll wipe his ass regardless of what you say.
 
jackangel said:
it's almost impossible that he's actually asking this question.

it's right up there with "i just finished taking a shit. should i wipe my ass?" me, i think he'll wipe his ass regardless of what you say.
Click to expand...
lol true. I'm so out of here now that he's started with teh Youtube links :rolleyes:
 
Smurfy said:
lol true. I'm so out of here now that he's started with teh Youtube links :rolleyes:
Click to expand...
I'm staying up because "Night of the Comet" is coming up on Sci Fi.... I know it comes down to "how they feel" but don't my my feelings matter....or lack thereof?
 
javaguru said:
OK, I'm a decent guy and my ex's claim I'm a great boyfriend but they also call me "emotionally unavailable." That's the same phrase my ex-wife used. Now, should I try to be more emotionally available, not something I'm sure that I'm capable of, or should I just stay single and play the field. :)
Click to expand...
You should try to prove that you are emotionally available, committed and vulnerable by making a suicide pact with them and following through on it.

HTH















i keed, i keed
 
blueta2 said:
My boyfriend called me emotionally unavailable for close to 2 yrs.
Click to expand...
lol. I had one like that. He put his head down on the dinner table while we were out at dinner once and started crying over NOTHING. I mean NOTHING had happened at all. He called me aloof and started crying.

UGH. I proved him right that I was emotionally unavailable by dumping him.
 
heatherrae said:
lol. I had one like that. He put his head down on the dinner table while we were out at dinner once and started crying over NOTHING. I mean NOTHING had happened at all. He called me aloof and started crying.

UGH. I proved him right that I was emotionally unavailable by dumping him.
Click to expand...
Oh, I recall you talking about him.
Ekkkk, I would have run

Marc doesn't cry, but has called me aloof many times. He's not the first person to tell me this. I was not like this 8 yrs ago.
After my last two nightmare relationships, something in me just turned off.
I've lived alone 8 yrs and am pretty independent so it's tough to be emotionally available when this method has helped me "survive"
 
Smurfy said:
fact. everyone has needs. for women, they tend to need someone who will give emotional support (some more than others). if you don't or can't or won't, then their needs arent being met. same for men except their needs usually involve sex. if the woman can't or won't meet their sexual needs , they lose interest. this is all very simple./
Click to expand...
What she said!
 
PuddleMonkey said:
How do you not remember that Melvins song?!?!?!!1? You live under a rock in the early 90's?
Click to expand...
One of my first concerts the Melvins opened up. They had afros and were wearing star trek uniforms. I was like "who the fuck are these guys?"
 
heatherrae said:
You should try to prove that you are emotionally available, committed and vulnerable by making a suicide pact with them and following through on it.

HTH

i keed, i keed
Click to expand...
My ex-wife told me she never felt I loved her when we were dating and had the "big breakup"....I don't understand female criteria. I wish that I did because it's easier than dealing with the drama. When I say something I mean it, don't read anything into it......I'm a manz and not a wiminz.... :)
 
Phaded said:
john 3:16
Click to expand...
"For god so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." Yes, I was indoctrinated with the Bible verses at a young age....I can rattle off verses from memory all night...
 
javaguru said:
"For god so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." Yes, I was indoctrinated with the Bible verses at a young age....I can rattle off verses from memory all night...
Click to expand...
me to.
 
javaguru said:
I respect my mother's and sister's beliefs but I don't embrace them.
Click to expand...
You can know the bible front to back. If your eyes are not open, and all you have is human understanding. Then you can never understand it.
 
needtogetaas said:
You can know the bible front to back. If your eyes are not open, and all you have is human understanding. Then you can never understand it.
Click to expand...
I respect your beliefs but I have my own understanding of the universe. :) No need to save my soul, it's doing fine IMO.
 
javaguru said:
My ex-wife told me she never felt I loved her when we were dating and had the "big breakup"....I don't understand female criteria. I wish that I did because it's easier than dealing with the drama. When I say something I mean it, don't read anything into it......I'm a manz and not a wiminz.... :)
Click to expand...
I get the feeling that dating you would feel "awkward".
 
javaguru said:
My ex-wife told me she never felt I loved her when we were dating and had the "big breakup"....I don't understand female criteria. I wish that I did because it's easier than dealing with the drama. When I say something I mean it, don't read anything into it......I'm a manz and not a wiminz.... :)
Click to expand...

Love is something you do. Not something you say. :heart:
 
javaguru said:
OK, I'm a decent guy and my ex's claim I'm a great boyfriend but they also call me "emotionally unavailable." That's the same phrase my ex-wife used. Now, should I try to be more emotionally available, not something I'm sure that I'm capable of, or should I just stay single and play the field. :)
Click to expand...
Emotionally available doesn't necessarily mean emotional.

It can be as simple as the occasional heart-to-heart talk or a chick-night where you curl-up on the couch with her and watch her favorate girl movie. Yes java, you may have to cuddle but that's how a lot of wiminz get connected with a guy. Its a shame it can't be done with blowjobs, but a lot of girls who connect that way also come with daddy issues.
 
Oh, and listen a fuckton too. Don't just hear -- really listen some. If you can correlate back something she says to something she told you a week ago when she thought you weren't listening, she'll declare you the most emotionally available guy alive.

Corrolary: When you listen, don't try to fix. Wiminz want to talk about problems and if you start throwing-out solutions or try to do it yourself you will piss her off.
 
Cal_21 said:
Don't try anything. Just be yourself. Eventually life will change you to the point where you're emotionally available. OR you will find an emotionally unavailable woman OR find a woman who likes java for the guru he is. You will work things out.
Click to expand...


Agreed. Like you and smurf (and reading back, blueta), I've heard the emotionally unavailable thing many times. I've been accused of being aloof, keeping someone I'm dating at "arm's reach" and so on. I'm aware that I do this, and it's not a conscious thing. There have been two guys I've dated (an ex and my current) who I didn't do that with, and I can't pinpoint why. Both guys were, before me, also generally emotionally unavailable, and both times about a month or so in, both of us would be - well for the lack of a better way to put it right now - emotionally available. For me, being "emotionally available" entails letting someone see exactly how vulnerable I am, and allowing myself to rely on that person (among other things). Point being, I never really tried to change myself for anyone or tried to look for any kind of person, or "tried" anything. I just let the chips fall where they were going to fall and I've been lucky twice that I found something that was a mutual fit.
 
mrplunkey said:
Emotionally available doesn't necessarily mean emotional.

It can be as simple as the occasional heart-to-heart talk or a chick-night where you curl-up on the couch with her and watch her favorate girl movie. Yes java, you may have to cuddle but that's how a lot of wiminz get connected with a guy. Its a shame it can't be done with blowjobs, but a lot of girls who connect that way also come with daddy issues.
Click to expand...
as much as it grieves me, must agree with councillor plunkey
 
The only risk of the "be yourself" approach is that it can become a crutch for not changing or developing new skills. A lot of wiminz need emotional support and if you can't give it, yet want to "be yourself" forever, you'll severely limit the number of wominz you can potentially date.
 
mrplunkey said:
The only risk of the "be yourself" approach is that it can become a crutch for not changing or developing new skills. A lot of wiminz need emotional support and if you can't give it, yet want to "be yourself" forever, you'll severely limit the number of wominz you can potentially date.
Click to expand...


I agree, I tend to look at emotional unavailability to be a flaw in a guy.
 
mrplunkey said:
The only risk of the "be yourself" approach is that it can become a crutch for not changing or developing new skills. A lot of wiminz need emotional support and if you can't give it, yet want to "be yourself" forever, you'll severely limit the number of wominz you can potentially date.
Click to expand...

I don't feel like Java wasn't giving emotional support. And I don't think it limits who he can date...just who he will really connect with.
 
PuddleMonkey said:
If you try to become "emotionally available", they'll just accuse you of smothering them. You can't win bro, you just can't.
Click to expand...
i agree with all of the quote, except for the bolded statement.

you CAN win, by continuing to be yourself and not worrying about how other people judge you. they may say you are selfish by being "emotionally unavailable", but in fact they are the selfish ones for trying to guilt you into being something that you arnt.
 
SublimeZM said:
i agree with all of the quote, except for the bolded statement.

you CAN win, by continuing to be yourself and not worrying about how other people judge you. they may say you are selfish by being "emotionally unavailable", but in fact they are the selfish ones for trying to guilt you into being something that you arnt.
Click to expand...
lmao

amusing you are
 
Smurfy said:
lmao

amusing you are
Click to expand...
does that mean you agree?

it goes both ways too.

if someone bitches about your personality while they are seeing you, then chances are they are bitching to bitch, or get a response from you. thats immature and not fair.

if someones personality is not compatable with their SO's needs, then it falls on them to be mature, and break up, and look for someone that makes them happy.

right?

am i learning???

just kidding, he should just tell her to quit being a whiney whore, since shes probably fucking his best friend
 
SublimeZM said:
does that mean you agree?

it goes both ways too.

if someone bitches about your personality while they are seeing you, then chances are they are bitching to bitch, or get a response from you. thats immature and not fair.

if someones personality is not compatable with their SO's needs, then it falls on them to be mature, and break up, and look for someone that makes them happy.

right?

am i learning???

just kidding, he should just tell her to quit being a whiney whore, since shes probably fucking his best friend
Click to expand...
lol yes you're learning but what makes you think the above didnt happen (bold)? you're assuming the chick(s) were all whiney and bitchy about it. did he say they were and I missed it? I miss a lot of things but thats cuz Im old.
 
nefertiti said:
I don't feel like Java wasn't giving emotional support. And I don't think it limits who he can date...just who he will really connect with.
Click to expand...
Ah ok -- he mentioned being told he was called "emotionally unavailable" by a couple of women so I equated that with not giving emotional support.

I know a few gruff guys with a "to hell with emotions" attitude. A very few women like it, but I'd bet most (the vast majority) think its a little too 1950's.
 
Smurfy said:
lol yes you're learning but what makes you think the above didnt happen (bold)? you're assuming the chick(s) were all whiney and bitchy about it. did he say they were and I missed it? I miss a lot of things but thats cuz Im old.
Click to expand...
well, to be honest i came to the conclusion that they bitched at him and were whiney about it, because:

1) all women are whiney and bitchy, about things they dont like. fact.

2) animalia chordata mammalia females are genetically dumber than males (no offense). fact.
 
SublimeZM said:
well, to be honest i came to the conclusion that they bitched at him and were whiney about it, because:

1) all women are whiney and bitchy, about things they dont like. fact.

2) animalia chordata mammalia females are genetically dumber than males (no offense). fact.
Click to expand...
lol you're cute
 
define emotionaly unavailable...

if someones personality is not compatable with their SO's needs, then it falls on them to be mature, and break up, and look for someone that makes them happy.
Click to expand...

very true
 
cindylou said:
I agree, I tend to look at emotional unavailability to be a flaw in a guy.
Click to expand...
I see "emotional neediness" as a flaw in a woman. The wiminz I've had the best relationships with were the ones that owned their own business.
 
javaguru said:
I see "emotional neediness" as a flaw in a woman. The wiminz I've had the best relationships with were the ones that owned their own business.
Click to expand...


I agree with that too - neediness is a big flaw.
 
Vagabino said:
atw will like this thread
Click to expand...


threadre.jpg
 
PuddleMonkey said:
If you try to become "emotionally available", they'll just accuse you of smothering them. You can't win bro, you just can't.
Click to expand...

"Emotionally avaiable" doesn't mean that you call/text a girl 500 times a day and demand to know her every move. It only means that you are actually willing to invest your feelings in a relationship.

And to answer your question Mr Guru... We can't decide what you should do for you. Do you WANT a committed relationship? If not, then continue to happily play the field. :)
 
nefertiti said:
Agreed. Like you and smurf (and reading back, blueta), I've heard the emotionally unavailable thing many times. I've been accused of being aloof, keeping someone I'm dating at "arm's reach" and so on. I'm aware that I do this, and it's not a conscious thing. There have been two guys I've dated (an ex and my current) who I didn't do that with, and I can't pinpoint why. Both guys were, before me, also generally emotionally unavailable, and both times about a month or so in, both of us would be - well for the lack of a better way to put it right now - emotionally available. For me, being "emotionally available" entails letting someone see exactly how vulnerable I am, and allowing myself to rely on that person (among other things). Point being, I never really tried to change myself for anyone or tried to look for any kind of person, or "tried" anything. I just let the chips fall where they were going to fall and I've been lucky twice that I found something that was a mutual fit.
Click to expand...

You are exactly right.

I think java (and myself) don't want to open up completely, open up vulnerablitly, be their rock, make youself totally available to them.

Not that we are "emotionally unavailable". It's just we don't want to do it until we know it is right. Because, when we do most women interpret it as weakness and bolt.

Hey Java do all the females you know think you are not in a relationship because you have been hurt bad?

All my friends wives and gfs say Poor ATW, he must have been hurt so bad.lol



vulnerability.jpg
 
Last edited:
If you mentioned to these bitches that you were Captain of your H.S. football team and President of the computer club, you wouldn't have to try so hard.

just sayin
 
javaguru said:
I see "emotional neediness" as a flaw in a woman. The wiminz I've had the best relationships with were the ones that owned their own business.
Click to expand...

Agreed.

A self confident and self sufficient girl is the best.

Because, they don't need to be with you. They want to.
 
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