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I know this is super disrespectful but...
- Thread starter just...v
- Start date
You've got to give more details before we can judge you.
Me, Nimbus and Shirlz have chats about who's mother sucks worse.
I'll let you know the next scheduled chat. Lol
In all honesty though, I'm having serious problems with mine too so it probably wouldn't be fun right now. Rough spot. It's hard to give up on you mom even if she deserves it.
I'll let you know the next scheduled chat. Lol
In all honesty though, I'm having serious problems with mine too so it probably wouldn't be fun right now. Rough spot. It's hard to give up on you mom even if she deserves it.
Ok, mom was decent while we were growing up. Not a particularly loving woman, but dinner was on the table and the house was clean. She is really good at finding fault in everything by I kinda think that's a parent thing. (and I admit I made new than my fair share of bad decisions) She did put my dad ahead of everything, including us kids, but we felt that it was good that she loved him that much so it was an accepted thing among us kids.
Dad died almost 5 years ago now. Mom, who never drank before (as far as I know), became a raging alcoholic. I took her to the hospital 22 times with alcohol poising the first year after he passed. I spent countless nights away from my kids with her, bathing her, dressing her, cleaning her house. She calls me drunk and tells me that she hates me one minute ( I had her involuntarily committed to a rehab so she's a little pissed about that) then she complains that I won't let her see my kids.
She is pissed that I didn't move closer to her. She constantly tells me that I can handle going to school and taking care of my boys and that I'm gonna fail, instead of offering any encouragement. (or just keeping her mouth shut, I'd be good with silence). And she just hung up on me because I told her I might want to go to my uncle's house for Thanksgiving instead of having it at her place. (if we do it at her place I'll have to do it all and I might have to work anyway).
Is that enough or do you want more? Cause that is the light stuff.
Dad died almost 5 years ago now. Mom, who never drank before (as far as I know), became a raging alcoholic. I took her to the hospital 22 times with alcohol poising the first year after he passed. I spent countless nights away from my kids with her, bathing her, dressing her, cleaning her house. She calls me drunk and tells me that she hates me one minute ( I had her involuntarily committed to a rehab so she's a little pissed about that) then she complains that I won't let her see my kids.
She is pissed that I didn't move closer to her. She constantly tells me that I can handle going to school and taking care of my boys and that I'm gonna fail, instead of offering any encouragement. (or just keeping her mouth shut, I'd be good with silence). And she just hung up on me because I told her I might want to go to my uncle's house for Thanksgiving instead of having it at her place. (if we do it at her place I'll have to do it all and I might have to work anyway).
Is that enough or do you want more? Cause that is the light stuff.
That would be nice cause I need to vent. And you are so so right.
Eh, even though it sucks, I don't think you can cut ties with your mom. At the end of the day, as crazy as mine is and as enraged I am with her right now for her choices, I wouldn't cut her out totally. I know we're her world, even when it doesn't seem like it. That would kill a mom, I'm guessing.
Unless the stuff we don't know is actually harmful, more so than is outweighed by the good or how much it'd hurt her to lose you, you need to keep making it work the best you can.
No that's plenty. You'd be plenty justified in being done with her, imo, based on her drinking problem alone. If you're going to school, working, and caring for two kids, you're plate is full enough. Tough spot though, having to decide whether or not to give up on your mom.
I say that having never been in the situation. Sorry to hear. Good luck
I know your right
She has taken my son to the water park, gotten drunk there and lost him. She drives drunk all the time. But other than that, she's just mean as hell. She will tell my youngest that my oldest was my dads favorite, stuff like that. She will call over and over when I'm at work and bug the hell out of me. She's just a pain.
I think Im at a point in my life where I need releive some stress and she is a ton of stress
No kidding, interventions didn't work with her. She just puts it on her list of reasons she can act like a victim. we tried to get her to go to grief counseling, but she won't go.
We knew it would be bad, but there comes a point when you have to at least try and she doesn't.
I know your right
She has taken my son to the water park, gotten drunk there and lost him. She drives drunk all the time. But other than that, she's just mean as hell. She will tell my youngest that my oldest was my dads favorite, stuff like that. She will call over and over when I'm at work and bug the hell out of me. She's just a pain.
I think Im at a point in my life where I need releive some stress and she is a ton of stress
Well if she's getting drunk and losing your children, that's beyond just being mean.
My mom's been an alcoholic for years, so I know exactly how it is (minus the children, cuz I have none). Sometimes you need to back off. There are times you do need to leave. Just keep in mind, if/when she asks for help with it, you'll probably have to be there...in my experience anyways, even if you aren't there in between.
PICK3
New member
Well, guess we got spending any time in the future alone with your kids covered.
btw,
here's PICK3's childhood:
Thanks, that's good advice. At least that will help with the guilt. Lol cause damn, they can make you feel guilty.
PICK3
New member
Fitguy308
Banned
My girlfriends mother and her are going through almost the same situation she is an alcoholic and a pill popper she went crazy after her divorce anyway were in the trying to do an intervention stage and it isnt working so well she does not listen and turns on her children one minute then loves her the next
you do not "cut" that relationship, you simply limit and evolve it..
blueta2
New member
Honestly, my best advice, find an al anon meeting. Growing up with addiction (even if she only drank in her later yrs she was more than likely a dry drunk), causes all sorts of dysfunctional issues.
You can love her, but detach in a healthy way. She is a sick person, so you need to strengthen your own core and then deal with it in a healthy way for you.
You can love her, but detach in a healthy way. She is a sick person, so you need to strengthen your own core and then deal with it in a healthy way for you.
blueta2
New member
yes, sorry I didn't see this before my reply. Your kids would go to Al A Teen....
I've been in Al Anon for 3 yrs and it's the best decision I ever made. I didn't grow up with addiction, have no one in my family with it, but my last 3 bf's were/are addicts. It puts you on the crazy train to mental town....
often times if you are a better person than your parents, this will give them great joy... and at the same time, great jealousy..
so be a good example, someone that she can count on, later in life we as older children often must be the strong one that is there for the parent.. it happens..
blueta2
New member
(as he says pulling Blue's hair)
Omg, I've threatened my mom repeatedly that she'll lose her son if she doesn't let me live my own life. It never helps. I'm sure I never will though, cause I love her to death. But sometimes I feel like she's the most flawed human being in the world.
redsamurai
Banned
decide what amount of energy you can devote to her and put her in a box. I wouldn't cut ties completely as this does sound like she loved the shit out of your father and doesn't know how to live without him. That being said, if she's turned destructive not just to herself but to you and your kids...it cna't be tolerated, not for a moment. You have to get her in a sober moment and lay out the terms simply....either work with you or she doesn't see you or your kids. Relationship over.
But remember in the end none of us here know you or your mother so in the end the solution has to come from your own thought process's. You are the one who's know her your whole life.
But remember in the end none of us here know you or your mother so in the end the solution has to come from your own thought process's. You are the one who's know her your whole life.
javaguru
Banned
Dang woman, I'm sorry. I got an I love you from dad for the first time during college because I forced the issue. I was leaving to go back to school and hugged him,as I said "It's ok for two men to hug" while I grabbed him and followed up with,"I love you dad." He responded with,"I love you too." He always seemed uncomfortable saying it but he always responded the same way when we parted company; He was from a different generation and men just don't show those kinds of emotions; I have a lot of my father in me when it comes to work and relationships.
C0LUMB0
Moderator
Your mother needs councilling or phsycotherapy to help her deal with and accept your fathers passing,obviously the drinking and all other negatives stem from that.
you and your kids could have a good relationship with her when she finds peace of mind.
good luck with it.
you and your kids could have a good relationship with her when she finds peace of mind.
good luck with it.
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jackangel
New member
this explains everything!
lol
My Mom and I are besties. I mean, I don't tell her everything but she sure tells me everything! Lol. I love you isn't said that much, but it't definitely known that she does. Her only mistake is unloading some of her stress on me, but I take it because I honestly think I'm one of the closest friends she has. My Dad says it randomly and it's awkward and sweet when he does. I tell Abby I love her all the time and she says "I wub you" back.
Strongbow
New member
Your moms vag was split two ways from hell giving birth to your big headed ass, stop being a pussy and man the fuck up. She put up with your bullshit for I'm sure the better part of 18 years and you're ready to kick her to the curb in only 5 years? Come on V you know that shit ain't right. She's still morning your dad, find her a date with a big dick or something so she will cheer up.
Yeah I can't imagine not telling my kids I love them everyday.My Mom and I are besties. I mean, I don't tell her everything but she sure tells me everything! Lol. I love you isn't said that much, but it't definitely known that she does. Her only mistake is unloading some of her stress on me, but I take it because I honestly think I'm one of the closest friends she has. My Dad says it randomly and it's awkward and sweet when he does. I tell Abby I love her all the time and she says "I wub you" back.
digimon7068
New member
you're a busy person and you have kids that need your attention, guidance, etc...that's your priority...your mom is an adult, she has to take care of herself...and, if she's being mean and spiteful and childish, it's ok to tell her to go fuck herself...that doesn't mean you don't love her or that you have to turn your back on her...it just means you have more important shit to do and, she has to straighten herself the fuck up...my son's wrestling coach tells them all the time "it's called heart...and you have to find it yourself, i can't find it for you"...your mom needs to come-to-jesus and, you can't do it for her.
billfred
New member
^^ Tell her to fuck off and leave her alone. She has to hit bottom on her own and want out before she will get better. Be there when she is ready for help.
Do not provide her financial assistance - that is part of getting to the bottom.
Lumberg
New member
This. "Detach with love."
Fuck you Strongbow, you know me better than anyone. Am I hard to please? And this is not just grief. It's alcoholism.
I don't care if she says she loves me, I dont even need her to acknowledge all the things I've done for her. Even when I've been spit at and thrown up on, called a worthless piece of shit while doing it. I don't want a thank you. I feel like it's my job, but can't she just shut up and take the help? Just don't be hurtful while we do it?
Alcoholism can be overcome. She can call a number of people for help. But she chooses to pour that drink. What did she think? Life was gonna be easy? Well it's not, it's messy and complicated. And very hard for a lot of people. She isn't the first woman to lose the love of her life. How much longer does she get to feel sorry for herself? She wasn't the only one that lost him.
She's toxic and self destructing and doing her best to drag down everyone around her. Driving drunk? Losing your kid because she's drunk? Drunk calling you at all hours? Emotionally manipulating you and your kids? Criticizing you? FUCK THAT.
I don't give a fuck if it's your mom, your BFF, your husband or whoever, no, you don't take that shit. Giving birth to you does not give her the right to fuck your head up and ESPECIALLY no right to fuck up your children!
I'm one of the few people on this board who has children all over the age of 21 and honestly, if I pulled that shit on MY kids I'd fully expect them to lay down the law and if it got down to it, to disconnect from me altogether. She's an adult and making her own choices and if she totally self destructs then that's her choice, it's not your responsibility to fix her. You've already more than done your share and what appreciation did she show? You have every right to protect your heart from her abuse and your main responsibility is to protect your children's health and psyche.
Look, if she was just a pleasant drunk or a drunk who wanted to get sober, it would be different, but she's a mean drunk who doesn't want help and doesn't seem to care who she hurts. Abuse is abuse, no matter what the age or who doles it out.
I don't give a fuck if it's your mom, your BFF, your husband or whoever, no, you don't take that shit. Giving birth to you does not give her the right to fuck your head up and ESPECIALLY no right to fuck up your children!
I'm one of the few people on this board who has children all over the age of 21 and honestly, if I pulled that shit on MY kids I'd fully expect them to lay down the law and if it got down to it, to disconnect from me altogether. She's an adult and making her own choices and if she totally self destructs then that's her choice, it's not your responsibility to fix her. You've already more than done your share and what appreciation did she show? You have every right to protect your heart from her abuse and your main responsibility is to protect your children's health and psyche.
Look, if she was just a pleasant drunk or a drunk who wanted to get sober, it would be different, but she's a mean drunk who doesn't want help and doesn't seem to care who she hurts. Abuse is abuse, no matter what the age or who doles it out.
My mom is well off. She needs no financial assistance. My dad left a couple of businesses which we sold for her, several rental properties and a life insurance policy. She gets social security and a pension from dad being in the airforce.
I'm afraid her bottom will be jumping the curb and killing an innocent person while drunk driving.
billfred
New member
There is nothing you are going to do to prevent it. Get to al anon like suggested. They will help you through this. I am no expert but I have 8 siblings that go to AA so I have seen enough of it. Nobody gets over it until they want to.
billfred
New member
Let me just add to that, I think the best thing you can do is tell them you don't want your kids to see her anymore in that state. For some reason that hits home.
I just went through this with my sister. I finally told her I was here for her if she needed me but I refused to let my kids see her anymore. She has been going to AA meetings every since. I can't say that was the deciding factor but it certainly helped with the chorus of other feedback she was getting.
Lumberg
New member
I was on another site and there was this thread about a person who was thinking about cutting off his or her parents and it was surprising the number of other people who chimed in with stories about how their parents are deadbeats and have been since they were children, their struggles with supporting their parents who take advantage and how they deal with it.
I don't know if I could imagine. I'm so glad I had parents who, while very flawed in many ways, at least provided for me and then some. My mom now tries to guilt trip me about it and we have these little squabbles (like I eat her food when I come visit in the evenings) but nothing on the scale of what you are talking about it.
My heart is with you v.
I don't know if I could imagine. I'm so glad I had parents who, while very flawed in many ways, at least provided for me and then some. My mom now tries to guilt trip me about it and we have these little squabbles (like I eat her food when I come visit in the evenings) but nothing on the scale of what you are talking about it.
My heart is with you v.
"Detach with divorce" worked for me.
billfred
New member
That is going to leave a mark.
You are one of those tell-it-like-it-is sort of ladies. I really appreciate your post. I promised my dad I would care for her the day he died, so I carry this guilt. Like I should be there cause I told him I would be. But I don't think he had any idea it would be like this. She was a different person then. And honestly, I'm enabling her.
Lumberg
New member
More like "never get emotionally attached in the first place."
Lol. My dad was Hispanic. Mom is white. Sorry to disappoint.
Thanks man.
My mom was fairly normal mom until about 5 years ago. No real problems while I was growing up other than the usual disagreements. And she never drank. I'm grateful for, at least, that.
gatemoney
Banned
I haven't spoken to or seen my parents in about 6 years and i believe it's one of the best decisions i ever made.
digimon7068
New member
billy knows exactly what he is talking about...been there...done that.
WoodyO
New member
M'kay, Can I have your number then?
I know more than a few people who made "deathbed" promises to someone of a similar nature and they're doing stuff that they feel obligated to do despite the fact it is slowly destroying them, their health, their relationships. Speaking as a parent, your father would never, never want you to put your mother above yourself or your children.
You have to remember something, V, addicts can be some of the most selfish creatures on this planet. They simply don't give a damn about anything or anybody unless it's going to feed the addiction. They lie to, cheat, steal from and manipulate everyone who loves them and they take advantage of that love. They will do anything to justify their addiction.
Until she accepts that only she is responsible for her actions she will not take responsibility. If she doesn't have to deal with consequences, she has no reason to take any responsibility. This is all on her. It is not your responsibility to fix her, you can't. In the words of my favorite joke:
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
mistaballoonhands
Banned
lotta good stuff in this post
PICK3
New member
Good thing i didn't, huh?!
ololololol!
lolololololol
digimon7068
New member
i know this is super disrespectful but...
...please text me some titty pics...i'll be sitting here holding my phone...in one hand...waiting...patiently...m'kay??
blueta2
New member
THIS X 1000000
V, if you don't want to do a meeting, then check out some on line Al Anon meetings. It cant hurt!
Ok so I'm not trying to crap on the suggestion, cause I really appreciate the advice that everyone has given. But I went to a few Al Anon meetings a couple of years ago and I just felt like it was just a cry session. Maybe all meeting groups aren't the same. Idk, but I feel like if it's out of your control, why bitch about it over and over?
I posted on here, I made a decision (hopefully I can stick to it.) about what I'm going to do and it's a done deal. You know what I mean?
Sorry baby, I'm still seeing my Blue TShirt guy.
C0LUMB0
Moderator
Blue shirt is gay and he's cheating on you... at the weekend he is called pink shirt by his husband.
Ring me ASAP to discuss our future !
It's not like I could choose my mother.
And I dont like you any more than you like me. Why the hell are you even commenting in my thread?
javaguru
Banned
We all have more baggage than we're willing to admit, imo.
THIS ^^^
Has she had a DUI? This may sound awful but if you catch her driving drunk and you alert the authorities she'll get arrested and forced to receive some sort of treatment, when you put her in treatment it was different because you are the daughter you dont decide for her so she could have just defiantly resisted help, but it the court system asks her to do it then maybe it will help, having a probation officer, test her, getting forced into counseling, the whole thing might either embarrass the fuck out of her to a point where she doesn't want to put herself in that situation again or maybe it will actually really help, or maybe not, at the very least she'll get her licensed yanked for a while and wont endanger herself or others.
blueta2
New member
Smurf, I should have done that with my ex's wife. We were at his son's Bat Mitzvah and his very drunk wife was getting into her car with his two kids. I told him we should take the kids home and he insisted she was ok.
Who the FUCK would let their two kids get into a car with a drunk person?
He claims I was over exaggerating, yeah it must have been when she was slurring her words to me then tripped off the stoop and almost feel on her knees when I over exaggerated!
Who the FUCK would let their two kids get into a car with a drunk person?
He claims I was over exaggerating, yeah it must have been when she was slurring her words to me then tripped off the stoop and almost feel on her knees when I over exaggerated!
Ugh
digimon7068
New member
i'll tell ya anything you wanna know...shoot...
JayC9
Well-known member
"Now it's great to see Robin Quivers. Anyone who has seen the Howard Stern show has heard Robin talk about being molested by her father. She won't shut up about it. She's very proud of it. But what Robin Quivers conveniently leaves out of her delightful anecdote is that even as a kid, she was so ugly that her father would close his eyes and fantasize about her sister, who was no looker herself, I may add. And when he was done pillaging that only daughter, he used to whisper "don't tell anyone" because he was embarrassed. Oh, that shame that that poor man must have felt, having to hide the fact that his molestation standards were so low!" - Gilbert Gottfried
