hi my name is nature boy

[smallmovesal]

I couldn't help but notice the people you have working outside of the grocery store collecting money, and I am very interested in a position within your army in which I would have complete control over determining which dregs of society should benefit from my largesse.

Who should receive charity? Who in society is most in need of assistance? These are questions that sociologists have pondered for years, but I have a better approach. Let's just eliminate large groups of people based on general characteristics that I will assign to them and work backwards from there. Okay?

I find many different kinds of people distasteful, and I think you'll find that once we have eliminated all of them from consideration, we will be left with a very small pool of candidates from which to choose. (I can put this in a spreadsheet if you want - I know how to use computers!) They include:

Those who work with fish
People who say, "The sky" when you ask them what's up.
People who refer to others as "Guy"
Those who have attended a NASCAR event or dined at a NASCAR-themed restaurant
People of color
Husband and wife real estate teams
The effeminate
The Monkees
Homely adult entertainers
Bald guys with ponytails
Line dancers
Overweight women who insist on wearing half-shirts
The downtrodden
Midgets who want to be called "little people"
Everyone who works at DMV
High school guidance counselors
PETA activists
Tony Danza
Foreigners
People who employ anatomical terms when discussing work, i.e. "I've got work up the ying-yang" or "out the wazoo"
Anyone who voted for Hillary Clinton
Members of any Condo Association Board
The huddled masses
Guys who tuck their sweaters in their pants
The fat old ladies in Human Resources
Those who wear cowboy hats
The diseased
Kathie Lee Gifford
Bowlers
Anyone who rolls their own cigarettes
Owners of Dallas Cowboy's paraphernalia
The homeless
I feel by removing these undesirables from our list, we can narrow our choices down considerably! Do I sound like the kind of person you would to make decisions regarding charitable distribution? Feel free to contact me at your earliest convenience, I've got my whiteout ready.

Sincerely

nature boy

 

[the nature boy]

where do you find this stuff? come on, share your source.

you haven't been reading my diary have you?

 

[smallmovesal]

only the pages that didn't stick together

 

[naturally anabolic]

*hides in fear of a post about him*

 

[the nature boy]

only the pages that didn't stick together

so you HAVE been looking at my diary!!!!

*runs away crying and looks for a new place to hide diary*

 

[smallmovesal]

 

[the nature boy]

dude, that's pretty much what my hand writing looks like. *queue up eerie scary music*