Good joke thread

[Phaded]

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited

 

[GUARDIAN]

so true

 

[Arabian]

lol

 

[puddlemonkey]

I like it!~

 

[RearNaked]

good shit bro.

 

[SouthernLord]

What did the deaf, blind, retarded kid get for Christmas? Cancer.



Now that's some fucked up shit

 

[jnevin]

What do a pedophile and a tortoise have in common?













They both get there before the hare.

 

[jdynasty]

lol

Clemens & Vick can start a little business when they in jail together...

They can call it " Needles & Beagles "

 

[stevexpress]

whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW









the BMW has pricks on the inside

 

[the_oak]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times. When
I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

" I think you're bad luck... get the fuck away from me"

 

[mountain muscle]

what's the best thing about an 8 y/o girl?























Your dick looks so big in her hand.

 

[MrB123]

Lmao^^^^

 

[SouthernLord]

what's the best thing about an 8 y/o girl?























Your dick looks so big in her hand.

What's the best part about banging a 13 y/o girl in the shower???

You can slick her hair back and pretend she's 10. lmao

 

[jnevin]

what's the best thing about an 8 y/o girl?

You can flip her over and pretend she's an 8 year old boy?

 

[Wulfgar]

^^^

 

[cboogsrun]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times. When
I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

" I think you're bad luck... get the fuck away from me"

good jokes tonight. we should do this more often.

 

[ponyfitness]

What the worst part about having sex with an eight year old?







Getting the blood stains off of your clown suit.

 

[cboogsrun]

How do u make a gay guy, go straight?




U put shit on the girl’s pussy.

 

[cboogsrun]

One day a father is out with his son flying a kite. Every time the kite goes up, it comes crashing down to the ground. The father’s wife comes out and screams, "you need more tail!!" The husband turns to her and yells, "Fuck you, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail and you told me to go fly a kite!!"

 

[cboogsrun]

There was a cowboy and a baptist minister riding on a plane. The flight attendant came up to the cowboy and asked sir would you like something to drink? perhaps a softdrink, juice, or how about a nice ice cold beer! The cowboy then said "why yes mam an ice cold beer sure would go down right smooth i reckon." then she turned to the baptist minister and said how about you pastor would you like a beer also, to that the baptist minister said "mam I would rather be stripped naked, beaten, and ridden by a whore! Than to allow the juice of sin to touch my lips! The cowboy then said mam you can have my beer back I didn’t realize there was a second option!

 

[cboogsrun]

A little boy walks up to a farmer & says, Mr. Farmer I was down by the creek in your field and saw some milkweed. Would be alright if I get my Mom some milk?
The farmer laughs and says, go ahead & get all you want.
About a half hour later the boy comes back with a pail of milk & the farmer is completely stunned.
The next day the boy comes back & says, Mr. Farmer while I was getting that milk yesterday I noticed some goldenrod growing down there, can I go and get some of the gold?
The farmer laughs again & says to take all the gold he wants.
Onr hour later the boy comes back with a large sack of gold.
Now the farmer is reall stunned.
The next day the boy walks up to the farmer & says, When I was down at the creek getting the gold I noticed some PUSSYWILLOWS.
The farmer said Wait just one minute while I get My coat !!!

 

[cboogsrun]

a women was in hospital and needed blood so her boy friend donated some of his blood to her she comes out of hospital and later on that day they have an argument and he shouts i want my blood back so she un zips her trousers takes them off and her knickers and pulls out a used tampon and shouts back ill pay u monthly u bastard!

 

[cboogsrun]

In school in biology the teacher asked which organs you have two of. The children arms, legs, eyes, ears, feet, kidneys etc.
Litle john dicks?
Teacher are you sure??
John; at least my father has two - one small for peeing, and a big one to wash my mothers teeth!!

 

[jnevin]

a women was in hospital and needed blood so her boy friend donated some of his blood to her she comes out of hospital and later on that day they have an argument and he shouts i want my blood back so she un zips her trousers takes them off and her knickers and pulls out a used tampon and shouts back ill pay u monthly u bastard!

gaaah

 

[cboogsrun]

A man wanted to do something special for his wife on their 5th year of
marrige, so when she went to work he decided to clean out the attic, and
right before he finished he found a bottle, so he rubbed it a little bit and a
genie popped out. so he got only 1 wish, so he thought about it and
decided he wished he could pee wine. So the genie says it’s been done.
So once nature took its course about 1 hrour later, he was actually peeing
wine. So he was sitting on the floor naked with 1 wine glass in his hand
when his wife walked in, she asked shouldn’t you have 2 glasses? He
replies that tonight your drinking out of the bottle.

 

[cboogsrun]

There was once a women who had a very disloyal husband. He always beat her, was never good in bed, and then he ran away from her.

So, she put an ad in the paper saying, "If you are a loyal man, that does not beat his wife, does not run away from his wife, and is good in bed, please contact me." And she put her address.

A couple of months pass, and she almost gave up hope. The next day, she hears the door bell ring. She answers the door, and she sees a man with no legs and no arms.

He says, "I have no arms, so I can’t beat you, I have no legs, so I can’t run away from you." Then she says, "But are you good in bed."

So he says with a big smile on his face, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

 

[cboogsrun]

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn’t leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."

 

[cboogsrun]

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she’s reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn’t spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he’s too drunk to drive me home, so I’m trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That’s not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

 

[cboogsrun]

One day Little David was sitting on a swing munching one candy bar after another. After the 8th one a man sitting on a bench close to him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat!"

Little David replied, "My Grandfather lived to be 107 years old!"

The man asked, "Did your Grandfather eat 8 candy bars at a time!"

Little David answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

 

[DannoMight]

whats the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

acne doesn't cum on ur face till ur about 15.

 

[ponyfitness]

A mother polar bear and a baby polar bear are going for a walk. The baby polar bear looks up at the mother with big polar bear eyes and asks "Mommy, am I really a polar bear?"

The mother is surprised but tells the baby that yes, he really is a polar bear.

They walk a little farther and again the baby polar bear asks "Mommy, are you sure I'm really a polar bear?"

The mother is really worried now and decides to ask the baby polar bear why he is wondering if he is a polar bear.

The baby polar bear replies: "because I'm fucking FREEZING!".

 

[Phaded]

good jokes folks..

here's another..

A soldier wakes up at the field hospital in Iraq..

"Dear God!" he immediatly shouts "NURSE NURSE I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!!"

The Nurse answers: "That's right, we had to amputate both your arms."

 

[Lumberg]

A man wanted to do something special for his wife on their 5th year of
marrige, so when she went to work he decided to clean out the attic, and
right before he finished he found a bottle, so he rubbed it a little bit and a
genie popped out. so he got only 1 wish, so he thought about it and
decided he wished he could pee wine. So the genie says it’s been done.
So once nature took its course about 1 hrour later, he was actually peeing
wine. So he was sitting on the floor naked with 1 wine glass in his hand
when his wife walked in, she asked shouldn’t you have 2 glasses? He
replies that tonight your drinking out of the bottle.

You had me at "when she went to work."

 

[cboogsrun]

no more jokes?

 

[cboogsrun]

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to
question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If
you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

 

[cboogsrun]

I can't believe this isn't a 20 page thread.

 

[nimbus]

One day Little David was sitting on a swing munching one candy bar after another. After the 8th one a man sitting on a bench close to him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat!"

Little David replied, "My Grandfather lived to be 107 years old!"

The man asked, "Did your Grandfather eat 8 candy bars at a time!"

Little David answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

LOL

 

[vixensghost]

lol. I love good jokes.

I heard a cute one Friday at the Arnold Classic.


At the end of the tax year the IRS sent an auditor to the local Synagogue.

While IRS was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, " I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" The Rabbi says, " We save them up and send them back to the company, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles".

"Oh' reples the auditor, somehwat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But he went on, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases. What do you do with all the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replies the Rabbi." We collect them and send them back to the company, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers".

" I see", replies the auditor thinking hard about how he could fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi", auditor goes on, " What do you do with all the leftover forskins from the circumcisions you perform?".

The Rabbi quickly says, " Here, too, we do not waste. What we do is save all those foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year and they send us a complete DICK".