Bin Laden: Nowhere To Hide Funny Shit!!!

[DcupSheepNipples]

AFGANISTAN-- Cornered and with knowledge of the 25 million dollar reward placed on his head, Bin Laden has in the past weeks made several very desparate moves to escape the eyes of those searching for him. Clever and swift he has moved, but the Rantapalooza staff has been close on his heals and managed to snag a few exclusive photographs of Bin Laden.
In the shot to the right where we caught him attempting to join a local folk band. His poor technique and honky tonk aggressive stylings were a dead give away in revealing his identity, and outshined the doubt raised in our minds by the shirt. His playing of the Jug was lackluster at best.

Details of where we have seen him, as well as speculation as to other options he may explore are described in the Full Story below.

http://209.11.101.244/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=625769

 

[DcupSheepNipples]

Pictured below is his rather clever attempt to avoid discovery by co-starring in Stalone's newest self written movie Driven. We give him credit in that nobody prior to the Rantapalooza staff detected his presence in the film, largely due to the fact that I believe we rented the only copy in existance (which would explain the heartfelt thank you phone call from Stalone minutes after we completed the rental).

 

[DcupSheepNipples]

Bin Ladens rein of terror within the entertainment industry did not end there. After receiving an anonymous tip on his whereabouts we were given instructions for tuning into a station the informant called UPN (supposadly the only station the WB gets to make fun of) which was previously unknown to us all. Pictured below is what would appear to be a temporary spot he held on a show called Moesha.

 

[DcupSheepNipples]

We also caught up with Bin Laden on what would appear to be an attempt at fitting in as he milled around the US Embassy dressed like uncle sam in a sad misconception of American culture. To his credit, he did dress up a little monkey to match himself.
Reports are that his identity was revealed when he drew attention to himself by chasing local women while shouting "I am wanting you" surely an attempt at using the classic Uncle Sam "I Want You". This along with several other lewd pickup techniques that this organization would prefer not to go into detail about in the name of good taste.

 

[DcupSheepNipples]

As it is painfully clear from the most recent photograph we captured of Bin Laden, he will stop at nothing to conceal his idenity. Extensive plastic surgury has masked his identity, and will perhaps prevent his eventual arrest.
This is also by far his most strategically relevent move, as the average male will not get to looking at the face of such an individual until at least a few minutes of body oogling. Along with the delema of whether or not to sucom to fem-ladens femanine whiles. He will in any case leave many a teenage boy sexually confused.

We have reports of him being seen in a Hooters in Boston as well as a strip clubs accross the nation. We can all only hope and pray that fem-laden does not make an entry to the pornographic industry.

 

[DcupSheepNipples]

AFGANISTAN-- With flourishing careers in two realms of the entertainment industry, Osama Bin Laden has declared "Al Aqei Nar Samen" which translates loosely to "A Holy War On Inferior Columbian Coffees" to which he later elaborated to state a conflict between his faction and columbian coffee overlord and religious leader Juan Valdez. Bin Ladens move comes with very little known motivation politically, as such many have become suspect that it is related to recent lobbyist action towards his terrorist groups by Seatle, WA based megacorp Starbucks Coffee Company. We attempted to contact the company directly however they declined to comment. This news organization would theorize a connection with the recent launch of the StarBucks Bin Latte'.
In what was surely intended to be a show of virility and power, Juan Valdez had responded without hesitation declaring an all out war on Bin Laden. He regretfully, had no religious basis upon which to justify the war which he plans on waging. He instead released the following statement as justification "Fight, we must, for the beans. The beans are our children and our future master race-" at which point Mr. Valdez cut off rather quickly and exchanged a nervous glance with his comrades. With a slight sweat forming on his brow he went on to state that defeat will not be accepted. Adding that he loved bunnie rabbits and children and had no plans of replacing the human race in any sort of genetic engineering monstrosity.

What type of actual military retaliation will be carried out remains to be seen, but inside sources have hinted towards the release of a robotic Richard Simmons in Afgan territory with Bin Laden himself as the intended target. Production of the unit is suspected to be supported by CIA funding previously destined for the ISI of Pakistan.

 

[DcupSheepNipples]

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- In an industry driven purely by profit response to the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and The Pentagon have been quite expediant. Days after the attacks 20th Century Fox has announced that filming of their newest picture starring Osama bin Laden as well as Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott will begin no later than mid October. Bin Laden has been trying to penetrate Hollywood for quite some time, we sat down with him to get the latest on his first American motion picture.




Matthew from Rantapalooza: Hello Mr. Bin laden. It is truly an honor.
Bin Laden: Be assured the pleasure is very much mine.

Matthew: Let's talk business, what prompted the career move from international terrorism to entertainment?

Bin Laden: Is there a difference? No, I simply kidding you sir. I have always wanted to be on the moving picture screen box, and the glamor of many of your movies as well as some of the great talent are what inspired my initial entry into terrorism. Also people make fun of beard, I must shoot.

Matthew: Interesting. I have heard in addittion to movies you have taken on several other projects, is this correct?

Bin Laden: Glad of you to mention, I have actually already published a children's book entitled "Where's Bin Laden" (picture right). You can buy book, but still not find me (laughter for 10 minutes).

Matthew: (Begins laughing himself)

Bin Laden: (Becoming a bit irate) Why you laugh? Is beard amusing to you?

Matthew: No no, I was just thinking about midgets. (Eerie pause of 45 seconds, locked in a dead stare) Anyways, let's get your views on some of the issues.
Hamburglar: For or against?

Bin Laden: Hamburglar? Where, where, tell me now!!! Little man steal burger, me kill.

Matthew: Mr. Bin Laden, it was only a question.

Bin Laden: (Reaches behind chair and produces a white posterboard and black marker, he writes something and holds it up) This is what I think of this Hamburglar (picture right). He proceeded to storm out angry.

In retrospect I do realize that I should not have brough up such a hard hitting subject as the hamburglar is. He has fewer friends in the United States than Bin Laden himself.

In all fairness this was the sanest inverview this reporter has ever conducted with an actor. Bin Laden seemed so much more down to earth. He has refused to respond to our inquiries since the interview.

 

[DcupSheepNipples]

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- In what would seem to be a flourishing career in the entertainment industry, Osama Bin Laden's press agent anounced Friday the 14th that he has joined forces with teen pop sensation N' Sync to produce a new album. Details will be posted as they become available. We hope to have some sound samples as well as additional album art.

 

[DcupSheepNipples]

Bin Laden: Under the Turbin

Who is the real Bin Laden? Is he just another handsome face in the ocean of pop music, or is he just another terrorist gone actor gone singer gone advertising tool (*looks in direction of Jennifer Lopez...then looks at own crotch, then looks back at Jennifer Lopez in suggestive manner*) While little is known about baby Bin Laden, plenty is known about the reckloose that was teenage Bin Laden.



I had a chance to speak with Mr. Bin Laden at a Russian internment camp two weeks ago. Here, word for word, is the account of our interview...
"All start when forced to go to terrorist camp at 16" recounts an emotional Laden. "Terrorist camp like fat camp for Americans, very humilating. We were forced to practice illusive manneuvers for days upon days. Even forced to eat Jiv Buhn Flux (special kind of stew. contains 2/3 cup chopped lettuce and 1/4 cup steamed veggies. Sauteed with onions and steak...really quite delicious) We were also forced to shoot beans put on targets" Overcome with emotion, Laden picks up suitcase on a stick and cowers in the corner of the room.

Trying to comfort him, I use my known tactics of deception, "It's okay Mr. Ladden, nobodies gonna hurt you. What are you afraid of, not like there's any hamburglars around or anything."

I knew I had crossed the line. Mentioning the Hamburglar to Bin Laden was like throwing a live gernade in a bomb shelter.

"Hamburglar kill mother!" shouted Laden. "Hamburglar steal big mac when crawling thru desert! Hamburglar run around Laden real fast and make super dizzy!"

"I WILL KILL HAMBURGLAR! You Americans talk of terrorism, and buildings fall down. But you know nothing of the hamburglar. He steal food when you look for napkins! You know that?? He makes fools of you and ruin reputation!!"

It was here that I knew I was in over my head. Laden had successfully managed to tie his turbin into a semi-automatic machine gun and even made matching hand knives.

"They teach art of turbin warfare in terrorism camp. People laugh at turbin! Now who's laughing?!?!"

I managed to contain my laughter after several seconds. Looking up I saw the face of 200 years of turmoil and bad raisins. Laden was not a man, he was immortal. He had become the very beans of which he worshipped, small shrivled and weird tasting unless brewed. His eyes were like rays, each piercing the skin to the heart of your soul.

Laden, visibly distraught, grabbed both turbin knives. "You laugh at turbin?! How dare you laugh at turbin?? I will make turbin of you, and wear you on head. See how you like!!"

I don't like to believe in miricales but what happened next could come only from the book of jobe. I believe it's in Jobe 12:16 "thou who cause rucus, will be saved by hamburglar" Or from what I can decipher.

Yes, that's right. The Hamburglar saved me. Whilst we did not have any hamburgers present, there were plenty of rotting imigrants who gave off the corosive odor of McDonalds grade d meat (coincidence? I think not) The hamburglar ran around the room at upwards of 500 mph. Hoping tables and rotting flesh. Laden, dizzy and distraught, fell to the ground crying "beans, vengence lies in the beans".

After three days in the hospital for psychiatric evaluation, Laden was allowed to leave. And yours truley had a most delicious meal with a certain masked fella.

But perhaps that's another story.

 

[Mr.Bo Janlges]

thats good shit

Holy Shit!!
i just laughed my ass off, those were some of the funniest things i've read in awhile.
thanks for the laugh.