Immort.. dawg.. If I could give you all my K I swear to god I would.. LMAO!!!!
Bro, you handled that shit like a fucking champ..
I have kind of a similar story..
Ok, so growing up as a kid I was always fat, I mean my freshmen year in HS I was 5'9" 317lbs at my biggest and I had never had the opportunity to be affectionate with a woman.. Well, so here it is, my Junior year and i have slimmed down remarkably down to 185lbs and grew up to 6'. I lost so much weight so incredibly fast that I had a bit of loose skin around my nipples and my midsection that just wouldn't go away and that I was incredibly self concious about.. So, even after losing all the weight I still didn't think I was good looking enough to stand a chance with a chick.
Because of my insecurities I had resorted to internet dating.. Now, boy, lemme tell you I was THE MAN over at
www.coolchat.com back in the days. I was holding shit down over there reciting poetry, writing my own poetry using the old *kiss on the hand* type bullshit.. haha..So, there was this girl and her screen name was "Sparkle6969" and I always loved her posts. SHe seemed to be such a fun and wild girl. She seemed perfect for a guy like me, ya know to make me unshy.. So, I decided that I wanted to meet her. We exchanged pics and she admitted that she really liked what she saw and frankly, so did I.. She was a bit on the thick side but she looked damn good in those jeans, if ya know what I mean.
So, we set a date to meet up and I got more and more nervous as the day approached. I had considered cancelling probably a half of a dozen times and pretty much talked myself into deep depression that there's no way a girl who looked as good as she did would like me. I feel like I'm about to make the STate of the Union address or something, it's crazy..
ok ok ok.. So, I drive over to pick her up and take her to the beach for a nice lil picnic (yeah yeah, i know how swwwwwwwwweet of me).. So, I knock on the door nervous as fuck and her mom opens up and says "ohhhh heyyy, you must be Matt.. you ARE cute!" I saw her mom and thought to myself "how in the fucking world can SHE be related to HER?" I mean the girl was (from what it looked like in the pictures) 5'9" 155lbs and her mom was 5' 95lbs soaking wet with a pocket full of change. Well, I walk in and her mom tells me that she's going to go upstairs and get her for me. So, I'm just getting more and more nervous, I'm like fuck is she going to walk down the stairs in a beautiful dress and just embarass the fuck out of me b/c of how hot she is.. 5 minutes goes by and I hear a little yelling from both parties.. I then get a phone call from the girl.. She's like "Matt, ummm.. I just want to let you know that I've changed a little bit since my last picture." I was like "Ok.... in what way?" She's like "Well, i lost a few lbs." I was thinking "OH FUCK YEAH SHE's gonna be so fucking hot!!!!!" A couple minutes after the phone call she walks down and walks into the living room.. and..... OMFG YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! Man, i swear this bitch was like 105lbs, tops.. looked like a damn ethiopian, for real.. Nice tan and long black hair but just skinny as fuck.. I told myself, hey, just give her a chance, you've never gotten any before, you might get lucky..
Ok, so now that the meeting is over, we head off.. First off in the car she's all touching me on the leg and shit I've never had a girl touch me like that and WHAM my dick goes straight up.. she's like oooooooohhhhh, lookeee what I seeeeeeee... I'm like, oh, god, don'ot touch don't touch it don't touch it.... So, she goes up on me like she's going to kiss me and it hits me.. Goddamn, if that wasn't the nastiest goddamn breath I had ever smelled in my entire life.. made me throat up in my mouth, literally.. so, i push her a way a little bit and say 'hey, let's get to know each other first' and of course offer her some gum..
So, we get to the beach right and I lay down the towel and the cooler with the food in it and immediately notice an unpleasant smell.. Now, it was a windy day so that smell could be traveling from far away.. So, i get up and go walking around the perimeter looking for the cause of the atrocious odor.. well, 3 minutes later I was unable to locate the cause of the stinch so, i gave up and sat down with her.. well, she had a skirt on so I attempted to position myself in a manner that I could look down up her skirt.. low and behold no underwear.. hmm.. ok.. She's not fucking around, she wants to get it on, good, i'm getting some ass, yay!! So, i thought for a second.. could that be?? no.. could that be where the stinch is coming from? so, as we were eating i dropped some food so that it would land in between her feet, so i leaned over her and got a big wiff of what was going on down there and yep, it wasn't too pleasant.. so, being all naive and shit I just figured hey she was attracted to me so she got wet down there so that's what that smells like, ok.. I just won't lick that shit ya know..
So, the date goes on and shit and I remembered that I left the bread in the car so I asked her to go get it.. well, it was back behind the passenger seat and so apparently she needed to set my keys in the passenger seat to grab it.. well, she came back with the bread but NOT WITH MY GODDDAMN KEYSSS!!!
So, i had to call my parents to bring me the keys.. My mom drives all the way (45 minutes away) to bring me the keys.. OMFG if my mom doesn't just embarass the living shit out of me. she gets there and she's like "AWWWWWWWWWWWWW MATT you're on a date?!@?!?! That is soooo cute!! OMG, i was worried about you!!!! That's great hun!!!! Come give your mother a hug!!!" all I can do is shake my head like a contestent on The Price is Right who won the right to play Plinko but wins 0 dollars..
At this point I am just ready to fucking go home.. So after my mom leaves I'm like "look, I'm ready to go, I'm feeling a bit burnt and my stomach feels upset.' So, we get everything together and start taking her back home.. On the way home she tells me that she has this secret place to show me that's 'REALLY FUCKING COOL!" So, stupid ass naive me, listens to her directions and she basically takes me to this park.. I'm like.. "ok, a park? What do we do here?" She's like (with a straight face.. i mean, she was as serious as a heartattack) "This is where we have sex, Matt" WHAM, hard on.. I told myself no, but I was like, ok, I need to stop being a virgin like yesterday.. So, I take her shirt off and start kissing on her breasts and she just goes straight for my cock.. So.. i'm all moaning and shit, so I throw the fingers up under the skirt to feel what a pussy feels like and I slide a finger in and she moans like she just took 10 inches of steel.. she tells me to keep going so i keep going.. Well, 10 minutes later we're basically like yeah, it's time to fuck.. so she gets completely undressed and so do I.. well, in the process of us getting undressed I kind of lose my hard on a little bit so she starts sucking me up again.. well, i figured this was the perfect time to smell my finger to see what that shit really smells like so I stick my finger up under my nose and... If I didn't just puke all over her head, all over my dick and all in my car.. Goddamnit, if that wasn't the fucking nastiest thing I have ever smelled in my life.. AND that bitch bit down on my shit.. Fucking shit was everywhere..
AFter that jumped out of the car and used the towels and blankets to wipe ourselves down and get dressed and that bitch is fucking PISSED!!!!! lol.. Shit, so was I had apuke all in my car.. Luckily I had some of the 'new car scent' and i gave my interior a puerto rican shower with that shit..
So, yeah, after I dropped her off she basically stormed out of my car and ran inside and I kind of sat there for a minute to take everything in... that was the first girl i had ever kissed, the first vagina i had ever touch, and the first blowjob I had ever received.. I just kind of had a sly grin on my face and drove home (with blue balls)
Needless to say she blocked me on
www.coolchat.com and talked shit about any chance she got and probably still is.. it got so bad I had to leave and never come back..
haha, she sent me a friend request on myspace the other day.. should I?!!??!
T-Matt
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