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I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
- Jack Handey (aka
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy
There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
- Jack Handey (aka
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy
There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack
