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Advice for a failing relationship

satanic goatslayer

satanic goatslayer

New member
Hello all,

As some of you know, I have been involved with one of my lady friends for about 3.4 weeks now, and things are going downhill. It started off great, we had many things in common, the sex was great, and she 'was' extremely intelligent.

Now things aren't what they used to be. She's withdrawn, she doesn't smile often, and the fellatio is sub-par at best. I have tried to talk to her, help her out, but she doesn't respond. She used to be optimistic, and now she is so pessimistic that I sometimes tear out my teeth with pliers.

Yesterday I got her a gift. A bracelet. Lovely gems set in platinum, I will herd many a sheep to pay it off. I set it down in front of her, and she opened it and then pushed it away, as if it was a vial of poison.

I decided to kill her.

I went out to the shed and grabbed a spade that I had sharpened the week earlier. I walked back to the house and asked her "are you gonna go my way?" and she stared at me blankly.

After a few whacks to the skull, she began to talk a bit.

"Stop it"

"Ouch"

"Fuck you"

"My head!!!"

"Don't kill me"

I was quite happy to see her come out of her shell. Fortunately, I still had some energy from the methamphetamines I had snorted at lunch, so I put the spade to her neck and serenaded her with a ballad thought by many to be the quintessential love song.

"I'll start to slice and kill and maim
I'll pick up a hammer smash in your face
Torn up I'll continue to kill you
I'll grab a knife and stick it in you
Your body mangled drenched in blood - blood
Pulverize I'm on another attack
Don't turn your back I bought my pick axe
Look into my eyes these eyes are dead
As I kill I still cum blood"

And then I severed her head from her spine.

My problem is the disposal of her body.

Shall I burn it?

Bury it?

Dry and tan it?

Any and all advice is appreciated.

Thank you in advance,

Satanic Goatslayer
 
Why don't you take her to a taxidermist and have her stuffed? You can keep her around if you are ever feeling lonley--and she'll never nag you again or decline your gifts.
 
Last edited:
If she meant a lot to you then option # 3.
Otherwise dispose of the body at your pleasure.

Now go enjoy yourself.
 
Thank you all for your replies, it means a lot to me. You all get karma from me.

I have decided to shoot her corpse from 2.56 feet away with a 10 gauge shotgun until there is nothing left. Sounds fun, and I can drink shine as I do it.
 
SG - this brings to mind a favorite song from the 90's:

I used to love her but I had to kill her
I used to love her, mm yeah, but I had to kill her
I had to put her six feet under and I can still hear her complain

I used to love her, oh yeah, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, oh yeah, but I had to kill her
I knew I'd miss her so I had to keep her
She's buried right in my backyard
Oh yeah, ohoh yeah, whoa, oh yeah

I used to love her nut I had to kill her
I used to love her, mm yeah, but I had to kill her
She bitched so much, she drove me nuts and now I'm happier this way
Whoa, oh yeah

I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, mm yeah, but I had to kill her
I had to put her, oh, six feet under and I can still hear her complain
 
I'm no genius at this. But SG, seriously, you're never gonna get anywhere with these women by violently killing them. Women just don't respond to that.
 
Sassy, funny you mention that. That was 'our' song.

gymtime, the brilliance behind brutally murdering your women is that you are never stuck with just one women. Another reason why I practice polygamy.
 
Things you will need:

A really sharp saw. The human body is deceptively robust. Keeping your tools, especially your saw, really sharp will save you a lot of elbow grease. Eventually you will want to get an electric saw, or a bandsaw - but to begin with, a good handsaw should be perfectly adequate. When choosing your first saw, the thing to look out for is a comfortable and secure hand grip. When you're elbow deep in an abdominal cavity, there's nothing more frustrating than a slippery grip.

A good assortment of sturdy knives are, of course, a must. It's not important to have a huge number, but quality is everything. Anyone in the know will tell you - 'a blunt knife is twice as dangerous as a sharp one'. Look for planing blades, double riveting, and good balance.

Buckets and plastic sheets to catch excess blood. Nothing stains like blood, and you certainly don't want to ruin your carpet when a little forethought can make all the difference.

A mop and scrubbing brush for cleaning up any boo-boos.

Rubber gloves. A pair of these will help to avoid the embarrassment of grubby fingernails and save the bother of gouging away with a nail file, trying to get them clean later. People - especially women - really do notice dirty nails, more than you might think. Even if you're the type who doesn’t normally make much effort to take care of your appearance, remember that blood crusted fingernails are liable to rouse suspicion.

Speaker phone unit! When I got mine, it changed my life - no exaggeration! No more awkward fumbling when calls come while your hands are full of intestines - and no more blood smeared handpiece either! Just punch the speaker pick-up button and carry on carving as you talk!

Waste not, want not:

Step 1. Remove the main waste parts – hands, feet, head, and of course, entrails. This is when a lot of the blood is going to get moving, so put down plenty of plastic and newspaper and keep your bucket handy!

Step 2. Chop open the abdomen with a heavy knife or cleaver. You may want to retain the tripe, but personally, I’ve never much cared for it. When I was a youngster my mother made it for us every Friday, boiled for three hours and utterly flavourless, so now I just can’t go near the stuff.

Step 3. Spill the guts into a pre positioned bucket. Make sure your bucket is large enough, 'cause once they start comin', they don't stop! I learnt this lesson the hard way. Bucket too small; guts all over the kitchen lino. In my haste to get the mop, I slipped on a lung and gave myself a nasty gash on the corner of the kitchen bench. My doctor asked me if there had been a lot of blood. I wasn't sure how to answer that one.

Step 4. The best cuts are numbered 1 - 4. 1: shoulder. 2: chuck (great for stews etc.). 3: rack. 4: leg roast. If freshly butchered, your goodies should keep at least three weeks in the deep freeze, but try to enjoy as much of the prime cuts as you can, fresh. Upper thigh is never better than within two hours of killing

Important tip! When you're bagging up the meat, try and get all the air out of the bags. The meat keeps longer if it's in an oxygen free environment.

Getting rid of the left-overs:

When concealing the evidence of your latest project from the relentless prying of the fascist thought police, it is vital to eliminate all traces, no matter how small. However thrifty you may be, there will always be portions of the victim's body that are inedible and these can be a problem to get rid of. Likewise, though wallets, car keys and lip sticks are tempting souvenirs, they are also dangerously incriminating. So - when clearing up, be thorough. Small personal effects go in the furnace or sink disposal. If you are not fortunate enough to have a cat or dog, inedible soft tissue can be disposed of this way as well.

Here's a good trick for getting rid of bones, heads and large personal effects. Pop that sort of stuff in old suitcases and drop them in charitable organisations' donation bins. It is quite normal for people to absent mindedly leave a few odds and ends in old luggage when they get rid of it, and the benevolent organisations are accustomed to finding quite strange items amongst second hand goods. They don’t ask awkward questions - they are just glad to receive anything they can pass on to the less fortunate.
 
Immerse the bodies in liquid nitrogen to remove water, causing them to crumble into fine organic dust. This is then placed in a container that biodegrades within six months. The result makes splendid potting soil.
 
JFC

Eat the fucker. Then think of the more positive parts and you two can be together forever. A pleasant ending to a relationship gone bad.
 
Kahn,

One time, while she was sleeping, I sawed a portion of her leg off and gnawed on it, but it was far too sinewy and tough.

Thanks for the input though.
 
Satanic Goatslayer said:
gymtime, the brilliance behind brutally murdering your women is that you are never stuck with just one women. Another reason why I practice polygamy.
Click to expand...

this is genius! SG, you have solved a dilemma that has plagued me for sometime.
i wish i could help you out as well, but my body disposing skills are not up to par. my apologies.
 
Been there, done that. I had to resort to a custom crock pot and cook in butter. Damn near eat them with a fork.
 
Satanic Goatslayer said:
Kahn,

One time, while she was sleeping, I sawed a portion of her leg off and gnawed on it, but it was far too sinewy and tough.

Thanks for the input though.
Click to expand...

You have to boil it first :rolleyes:
 
SG -

I would've taken you for something more along the lines of this nice little Megadeth ditty:

99 Ways To Die

If I see the morning hours
I'll have one more yesterday
I take life from tomorrow
Cause I've burned out my today
If I get up to the top I know
I'll just go back downhill
I've got a terminal future
And it's time to write my will

I down another glass of courage and a shot of thorazine

We're not ready to see you yet
99 ways to die
We're not ready to see you yet

Got a short between the earphones
Wringin' my hands in dismay
A more efficient maniac with
Two feet in the grave
Ain't got no last words to say
Yellow streak right up my spine
The gun in my mouth was real
And the taste it blew my mind

In a black tie and straightjacket, man I'm gonna try again

We're not ready to see you yet
99 ways to die
We're not ready to see you yet

Perhaps a demitasse of arsenic
Try on this tie
Never mind the tree

There is only death and danger
In the socket of my eye
A playground of illusion
No one plays they only die
There's a prison in my mind
And the bars are gonna break
I'm as mad as a hatter
And strung out just the same

Taunting rigor mortis I feel it draw me in

We're not ready to see you yet
99 ways to die
We're not ready to see you yet

We're not ready to see you yet
99 ways to die
We're not ready to see you yet

We're not ready
We're not ready
We're not ready
99, 99...
 
If she's too lean to eat outright, I suggest boiling her to remove the meat, and then making some kind of stew. Use some onions, a little salt, some peppers, etc.

Yum. Stew.
 
Satanic Goatslayer said:

My problem is the disposal of her body.
Click to expand...

In the now infamous words of Weird Al Yankovich....

Just EAT IT!!!!! :p

From one freak to another....the breast is beast:)
 
Satanic Goatslayer said:
Yes indeedy.

Sometimes I order pizza with areola topping, but they usually put anchovies on.
Click to expand...

I just hate when they make those substitutions without even asking!!! :D

That gives me an idea...how about offer the bodies to your local pizza producer...they can chop them into tiny bits and make them a 'surprise' ingredient at only 10 times the cost of a known one...

That'd get 'em off your hands...:)

It's very humane of you to kill them before you do anything to their bodies...:D

love
Helen
 
Take her head back out of the jar (assuming you still have the rest of her carcass.) Sew the head back to her remains, dip her in a sealing coat of hot wax, let cool.

Next repair / replace missing parts (the local grave yard or the remains in your back yard should do.)

Next do touch up with makeup so as to make her look as good as new.

Finally mount her on pedestal stand like those found in wax museums so when friends and family are invited over you can tell all what a lovely wax statue you've acquired from Ripley's believe it or not.
 
Here's my suggestion..

Prepare the body for mummification. Instead of embalming fluid, substitute with beef bullion cubes and pre-made gravy.

Now instead of your standard cotton strips used in wrapping a mummy, use strips of pie dough. Little by little, wrap the body with the dough, remembering to seal the edges with a bit of egg yolk. If you're feeling creative, you can lay the strips in creative patterns, such as zig-zags, spirals, or tetrahedrons.

Slowly bake until mummy is golden brown. Serve while hot. Serves 28-30.
 
That gives me an idea...how about offer the bodies to your local pizza producer...they can chop them into tiny bits and make them a 'surprise' ingredient at only 10 times the cost of a known one...
Click to expand...

You ever see the movie "Eating Raoul"?
 
"Is that your accomplice in the wood chipper?"

Sorry, Fargo flashback. Body disposal connection. Seriously, I would go with the taxidermy idea. Then, you can prop her body up and always drive in the carpool lane. 'Cause I know the Goatslayer has places to go, people to eviscerate.
 
SG--I would like to help, but I'm not sure whether to take you seriously or not since you post the same old stuff (maiming, hacking, etc.). Certainly the first part of your post seemed sincere....then the killing crap again. :)
 
Man SG had me going for a while there but I guess old habits die hard :) I would try befriending a mortician or someone that can cremate a body...then burn her body followed by the mortician as not to leave any evidence.
 
All this body disposal advise is after you harvest the organs, you know that, right? There's a shitload of money in that. It'll make the memories even more fond.
 
Satanic Goatslayer said:

My problem is the disposal of her body.

Shall I burn it?

Bury it?

Dry and tan it?

Any and all advice is appreciated.

Thank you in advance,

Satanic Goatslayer
Click to expand...

SG -- Sorry for my late contribution to the thread. I am frequently tied-up (or tying up) over the weekends, this past weekend being no exception.

During my childhood I was often confronted with this very problem. I learned over the years to keep it simple. Let her lie where she fell... there is a certain artistry to leaving the body in the exact murder spot untouched, uncompromised. A monument to the events that led up to her demise...

Over the upcoming weeks, the monument will surely bring a smile to your lips, the smell a warm recollection of that night. After she fully decomposes, use her patella as stirring device for beef soup. Hope this helps.
 
Satanic Goatslayer said:
My problem is the disposal of her body.

Shall I burn it?

Bury it?

Dry and tan it?

Any and all advice is appreciated.

Thank you in advance,

Satanic Goatslayer
Click to expand...


I say make JERKY!

:D
 
Bro, you need to let her go. If she won't talk to you about the way she feels she must be hiding something from you.
 
Kahn said:
Is bikinimom free again? What happened?
Click to expand...

Yes Kahn, I am free.....but unavailable. hehehehee :)

Monkey_love just has a little internet obsession with me. Sorry baby, I am not into pencil-necked geeks who can not understand English.

Don't cry too much, though. I am sure that with time and some thorazine you will be your old self in no time. Gee, I wonder why that sweet young thang dropped your ass for that muscle-bound goon?
 
Hmm...i'm not much for the stew, but i do like a good burning. Here is my contribution, since the human body is mostly water, i suggest immersing the body in pure sodium metal, once the sodium comes into contact with water, a spontaneous combustion reaction will occur. So essentially, you could make a human bomb. In fact, if you were feeling really frisky, you could put the sodium in time released capsules, set the body in front of the house of someone you don't like and blow them up as well.
 
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