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The Bigdawg
New member
This is a long read and whether you read it or not really doesn’t matter, I am writing this for me. In order to change who I am I need to be honest to myself about some major weakness I have. It’s not easy to admit out loud you aren’t who you want to be or think you are but here it is in black and white.
Omega had a post a while back where he posted up what he thought you were about if you wanted. He is what he said about me “down for his friends, but you are first on the list. You like carnal things, women, bars, porn , whateva. Most people do but its more focused with you. there is nothing wrong with this if thats whats your about, however if there is another part of you that is more subtle and spiritual, embrace that since it will serve you, instead of you serving pleasures”. It was amazing how close to home he hit, especially since we have never really spoken. It is that subtle and spiritual side that I am trying to embrace now to become a better person.
I can really be a self centered, arrogant prick of a person a lot of the time and for the most part of my life I lived for myself and my pleasures. I was single and wasn’t hurting anyone. When I got married I needed to learn to give more of myself and be less selfish.
When I got married I didn’t adjust or make the changes I needed to make and put myself first too often. For the most part I was a lousy husband to Mrs. Bigdawg, I made a promise to her on our wedding day and I let her, my daugther and my step-son down.
Pride is another problem of mine, I am to fucking stubborn and proud sometimes to step up when I should. Every time there was an attempt at us talking and getting things back on track it was Mrs. Bigdawg initiating it as I am too fucking proud to do it even though I wanted to try.
It would be easy for me to blame the juice for the times that I was an asshole but that would be a cop out as I was only on it one cycle during our time together. The fact is I can be a major asshole when I feel slighted or am pissed off. When we would fight I am vicious, not physically, but verbally which is just as bad. My whole life when I get into any kind of fight or argument I go for the throat to win. I have said things in anger to my wife that a man should never say to the woman he loves. You have no idea how much it hurts to hear your wife say she is intimidated by you because of my words and presence.
I lied to my wife about posting here as I wanted to keep this place for my own little sanctuary. That was wrong of me and I can’t justify that I lied to her. The sad part is she would fit in quite well here with her wit.
I love my wife and she gave me the greatest gift in the world, our beautiful little angel. I love that little angel more then I love life itself and now she will not know what it is like to grow up with both her parents under the same roof. Were I able to do things over again I would do so many things differently. Now due to circumstances we don’t trust each other and there are two children whose lives are forever altered because of that. You are supposed to cherish the ones you love the most, not hurt them. Here I failed them.
This is about me, not the things I feel that my wife has done. I want to change who I am and the only way that can happen is to admit my weakness and have the desire to change. Admitting it to myself is not the same as coming clean to others. I have a lot to learn about becoming a good person, father, husband, and the person, father husband, which I wanted and need to be. But have no doubt, I will get there!!!
There you have it. Not such a nice guy now am I.
Omega had a post a while back where he posted up what he thought you were about if you wanted. He is what he said about me “down for his friends, but you are first on the list. You like carnal things, women, bars, porn , whateva. Most people do but its more focused with you. there is nothing wrong with this if thats whats your about, however if there is another part of you that is more subtle and spiritual, embrace that since it will serve you, instead of you serving pleasures”. It was amazing how close to home he hit, especially since we have never really spoken. It is that subtle and spiritual side that I am trying to embrace now to become a better person.
I can really be a self centered, arrogant prick of a person a lot of the time and for the most part of my life I lived for myself and my pleasures. I was single and wasn’t hurting anyone. When I got married I needed to learn to give more of myself and be less selfish.
When I got married I didn’t adjust or make the changes I needed to make and put myself first too often. For the most part I was a lousy husband to Mrs. Bigdawg, I made a promise to her on our wedding day and I let her, my daugther and my step-son down.
Pride is another problem of mine, I am to fucking stubborn and proud sometimes to step up when I should. Every time there was an attempt at us talking and getting things back on track it was Mrs. Bigdawg initiating it as I am too fucking proud to do it even though I wanted to try.
It would be easy for me to blame the juice for the times that I was an asshole but that would be a cop out as I was only on it one cycle during our time together. The fact is I can be a major asshole when I feel slighted or am pissed off. When we would fight I am vicious, not physically, but verbally which is just as bad. My whole life when I get into any kind of fight or argument I go for the throat to win. I have said things in anger to my wife that a man should never say to the woman he loves. You have no idea how much it hurts to hear your wife say she is intimidated by you because of my words and presence.
I lied to my wife about posting here as I wanted to keep this place for my own little sanctuary. That was wrong of me and I can’t justify that I lied to her. The sad part is she would fit in quite well here with her wit.
I love my wife and she gave me the greatest gift in the world, our beautiful little angel. I love that little angel more then I love life itself and now she will not know what it is like to grow up with both her parents under the same roof. Were I able to do things over again I would do so many things differently. Now due to circumstances we don’t trust each other and there are two children whose lives are forever altered because of that. You are supposed to cherish the ones you love the most, not hurt them. Here I failed them.
This is about me, not the things I feel that my wife has done. I want to change who I am and the only way that can happen is to admit my weakness and have the desire to change. Admitting it to myself is not the same as coming clean to others. I have a lot to learn about becoming a good person, father, husband, and the person, father husband, which I wanted and need to be. But have no doubt, I will get there!!!
There you have it. Not such a nice guy now am I.
