How to break up with someone after 5 years?

[AMGETR]

Hey guys/girls..

Been a long time since I've been on these forums, a few new faces, but still a lot of the old school crew which is nice to see.

I don't usually bring up my personal life, but luckily, this is the internet, so I don't have to look like a loser in FRONT of you .. LOL

I'm in a deepening dilemma, and I'm really not sure what to do.

I'm getting into my late 20's and my love life is mentally and physically dead. For the past 5 years I've been dating a girl (she's 24 now, turning 25 shortly), and while it was great for the first 2 years, the past 3 years have rapidly gotten worse and worse.

She stalks me, she calls me 10-20x per day, and she calls my friends and family looking for me when she can't get in touch with me. I've told her to stop it, but it just turns into an argument. I've tried to break up with her, but it does nothing. She'll start to threaten she's going to the police to about me, or she threatens to kill herself.

It doesn't stop..

For the sake of not having to deal with the stress, I ALWAYS cave. Every time. I can't afford to have her goto the police, let alone have on my conscious that she hurt herself. So I take her back, every time..

I've tried to tell her why I'm not interested in being with her, and then she goes into rages and threats. I'm sinking here, and I really don't know what to do.

She's asian (for those that might be wondering), and she doesn't work. She really doesn't do too much to be honest. She lives off me, and basically that's all she does.

Unfortunately, I can't catch her in anything that would really give me a "real" reason to break up with her by her definition. She doesn't cheat, nor hang out or talk to men. But it's the "craziness" that has turned me off completely.

I've tried to simply lose contact with her, but it doesn't work. She will continue to call me, and if I don't answer, she threatens.

For the ladies on this board, what do you suggest I do here? Please, only real answers. I'm honestly not in the mood for jokes, I'm absolutely dying inside here. I've got no more social life because of her. She's essentially made me into a home-body. All I do is work. All day. I can't have a social life because she will show up and go insane. None of my guy friends want her around, and I've lost every female friend I used to have because of her.

I NEED OUT.

I appreciate your honest replies and hopefully someone can help me with some words of wisdom. Possibly someone here has had this type of person in their life before. I really need advice on how to get out. I'm absolutely miserable inside.

 

[jennifer778]

Am...

Props to you for laying it all on the table. I know that that is a very hard thing to do even when it's on the Internet. Sometimes when we even have to admit to ourselves that we are in situations like that is tough, much less exposing to others.

I've been there. Unfortunately, i was married to the guy so it was a little bit harder to get out of than just a dating relationship. Controlling, verbally and mentally abusive, calling/texting nonstop (or I could have no contact if he deemed necessary...), etc... Like you, I was not happy and had completely lost my life, in all aspects, but was not willing to deal with the stress to get out or the changes that would come with it. It took a head-on collision at 55 mph for me to realize that life was way too damn short to settle for such an unhappy life.

Honestly...you don't need to give her a reason or find a cause to break up with her. She is completely controlling you. Your being unhappy and not feeling like your relationship with her is worthwhile is completely reason enough to get out. Period. You have to decide that enough is enough and that no matter what you are moving on. Do y'all live together? I notice you said she lives off you but also that you've tried to just lose contact with her...kinda hard to lose contact with someone under your same roof. If she does NOT live with you then you've got it easy. There's no common law shiite to deal with. She has no reason to call the police because it's not 'her' residence. Make sense? If y'all do live together then, if I were you, I'd simply call your police station and find out the 'rules' for getting someone kicked out. You know what I mean. Do you have a reason to fear her callin the police? Meaning, does she have something on you (you robbed a bank and are wanted and she's gonna turn you in?). If not..screw her. Screw the police. You haven't done anything and it's another controlling and threatening behavior. In my experience, these people will do or say whatever they feel will threaten you to keep you in the relationship. My ex-husband threatened to kill himself and even me.

Do you want out? Seriously? Get out. Make up your mind. Get a plan. Get out. If she threatens suicide. And you think it's serious..YOU call the police and tell her she needs help. She flies off in a rage...YOu leave.

Guess what I'm saying about gathering a plan is figuring out, beforehand, what you are going to do before she does it/reacts.

Get one of your friends over to your house while you tell her. That way if she flies off into a rage you can have someone there. Don't listen to the rage..just leave. It's like a kid throwing a tantrum. It's all talk. Shes a bully. That's it. Tell her at a public place..will she act a fool there?

There is always a way out. I lost a beautiful home, went thru a hell of
Changes, had to move cities, lost some close friends...but it was ALL worth it. I'm married to the love of my life now and adore my life. My only regret is that it took me so long to get out. I am 33 and this all happened around 25-30 so I know how you feel. Don't waste anymore of your young years. You cannot be responsible for how she reacts or what she does. Most people that are serious about suicide, don't threaten it..they just do it. When people (for the most part) keep threatening suicide on the basis of a reaction that YOU do, it's usually just a threat and a way of controlling you and the situation. Not trying to lighten suicide in any way..but you can't hold yourself responsible.

You deserve a happy life. You shouldn't have to catch someone doing something to get rid of them. Hell...if she's living off of you that's wrong enough. Completely lame of her to do that. That's reason enough. That's probably another hugh factor in her threats. She doesn't have to work or do anything!!?! Nope.

Sorry for the long post. This hits really close to home for me and I can feel and hear the pain in your post. Relatively new to EF (since August or so) but everyone here has been wonderful to me. I'm here for ya if you ever need me. You want to PM me, feel free!! I'll help in any way I can.

Don't spend one more year, month, day, hour, minute, second of your life unhappy and with someone who isn't knocking your socks off. Start a new life.

 

[nangiggles]

Jennifer pretty much covered it, I also had a difficult time separating from a boyfriend who threatened to kill himself and stalked me, he also ruined my social life to the point I voluntarily didnt even want to talk to people anymore, needless to say it fucked up my social skills and I still sometimes have issues socializing, everytime I'd try to brake up with him he'd cry, threaten to kill himself, fake passing out/fainting (when I started to say I was calling an ambulance he'd "come to it" fucking BS)

Several things that may or may not help:

* Walk up to your local Sheriff/PD and ask them how to get a restraining order, run the situation by them and they will adv of the best course of action, if anything at the very least it will serve as proof that YOU contacted the authorities on her first.
* Break up with them in a VERY public place (in a store, food court at the mall, crowded park) and make sure she has means of transportation on her own from that place, that way she wont ask for a ride home or whatever.
* If she has family alert them of her behavior so they can look out after her, she is their responsibility and not yours
* Cut any financial aid or paper trail to her, you dont want her to have proof that you still have a connection, bond, relationship.
* As soon as you break up with her try going out as much as you can, this may sound unappealing but having people around you is A. therapeutic and B. they will serve as witnesses of your whereabouts in case she decides to make up BS about you on a particular date and time.
* Involve friends and family, tell them what you are going through so no one gives her your location at anytime, also to be pretty harsh with her on the phone, embarrassment and discouragement from people other than you can go a long way with people like this
* If possible change your number or call your carrier to find out about blocking her calls/texts
* If possible take vacations, dont even have to go out of town, maybe with a friend or family, something away from home so if she goes to your place you wont be there.


This may all sound a bit excessive but you never know with controlling, manipulating people, my ex faked cancer, a kidnap attempt and more, people can be very crazy, it's best to go overboard than to not be prepared

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you need to vent.

 

[EnderJE]

Ditto with the above. If you want out, then say "I'm out" and don't take any calls or contact. If she does bad things to herself, then that's her problem.

Think I'm being too rough? Think of it this way, either you take care of her or you.

 

[stevesmi]

you need to man up and sit her down and tell her to her face you are no longer happy and that you both are young and life is too short to be in a bad relationship. give her a couple G's to find a new place and hire some movers. its as simple as that.

I been there myself.. same situation.. had a girl living with me.. one day I told her straight up I am not happy and I would like you to move out by Monday and gave her some money.. sunday i came home and the house was empty, she took all her stuff and left. sometimes its as easy as communicating with someone.

 

[canadianhitman]

jen and nan covered all the bases. Take their advice and don't worry about her well-being at all...it's YOUR well-being that matters here.

About the police thing...even if she has something on you, it's easy enough to 'clean house' and hide evidence so it amounts to nothing more than heresay. Unless you are CURRENTLY involved in a criminal enterprise, her going to the police is of zero concequence if you have cleaned house (this includes your computer or cel if you have used them for anything illegal...store em at a trusted friend's house until the drama is done with).

Good luck.

 

[Gunslinger007]

Bro, I feel for you on this one. I got snared into a BAD relationship a few years back. I kept trying to get out, I probably broke up with her 20 times in the course of two years. She would always threaten or allude to suicide, so out of guilt and not needing someone's death on my conscience, I let it drag on.

I wouldn't say the "suicide" thing is complete bullshit, because some women are just that crazy, but I'd say 99 times out of 100, its just emotional terrorism intended to keep you trapped. Lots of guys do this dumb shit too, believe it or not.

Cut her off from sex, and just make her time with you absolutely miserable, that's how I got mine to end.

 

[KD1]

Personally, I think the easiest way is to get her to break up with you. An easy way to do this is to explain to her that you are not sexually satisfied, and you are planning to go elsewhere to satisfy your needs. When she asks what it is that you want, make up some really disgusting and/or humiliating act, something she would never go for. If she decides to do for it, then go even further and say you want to film it. If she even still goes for that then post the film all over the net and make sure her and her friends know about it. No way in hell she does not dump you after that!

 

[musclemom]

My ex pulled the same shit, i.e., threatened to kill himself. Every time he threatened to kill himself and slammed the phone on me I sent the cops to his house, that shit ended quick.

Long story short, break it off and get her out, change your phone number, de-friend her, disconnect, walk away and tell her that ANY contact with you, your friends, family or work place will result in legal action. Also inform your friends and family -- and even work if you have to -- that she is mentally unstable and if she contacts them to document it, let you know and you'll go to the courts. Then if she hassles friends, family or work get a court order if you have to. Cut her utterly, absolutely out of your life permanently. Store but do not respond or read her emails, ditto snail mail. Do not tweet, text or communicate, but again, save what she sends to you without responding (although she's not supposed to have your new phone number).

She is a manipulative psycho who isn't in love with you so much as obsessed, she's treating you like an object. If she kills herself, that's her choice. And see what Canadianhitman said about the police thing.

You'll never get an obsessed psycho to break up with you first. I tried with my ex husband. Treated him like complete shit for three years, no sex, he's cleaning the house, he's doing laundry, he STILL wouldn't fucking leave! Fucking crawled to me, on his knees, when I told him I wanted out. Believe me, you'll never get rid of her unless you're proactive.

 

[Foxxxy]

Just break up with her and get a restraining order.