Your advice please

[skittles]

Hi ladies,

The last week of my life would make a good Jerry Springer episode. My boyfriend & I went away for a week (to the place we ment in the first place) I thought that it would be a nice time, but he brought me there to break some news.

He has a son (who is almost 4 year old!!!!) that he just found out about. Apparently he dated a girl for about a month, but nothing came out of it. He said that she went back with her ex-boyfriend & moved away. Now, her & her boyfriend have split & she contacted my boyfriend to tell him she believes he is the dad

She wants my boyfriend to be part of the boy's life now. This would involve her moving back to where we live. She would have no job, no place to live etc etc.. He has a small apartment (1 bedroom) in the basement of his house. He wants to see how I feel about her living in the apartment & the boy living in the spare bedroom.

I am having a hard time dealing with this. I can't understand why anyone would wait all these years to find out who the father of their child was. What if he was ever sick???? Maybe you ladies can help me out here........it really confuses me. I'm trying my hardest not to freak out & jump to any conculsions, but I'm competely lost.

I'm finding it really hard to not act differently towards my boyfriend. I'm really pissed that he took me away from my work, friends, family, EF (lol) to drop this on me. I have been trying to be supportive (it's confusing for him too), but wtf? I'm lost for words........

Please don't think I don't want him to meet his son (I hope everything works out, & he will show him a good life) I'm just freaking about her. I'm probably acting very jealous & immature, but I can't help it. I am absoulety baffled.

I suggested that he should meet them, get to know his son BEFORE I even step into the picture. I don't know if I suggested this because I want time to figure things out, or because I really think that's the best idea. I'm all over the place with my thoughts / feelings.

Does anyone have any realated experiences / advice???? Thanks to anyone who replies

 

[Sassy69]

Wow. And you were looking forward to a nice quiet week in Nova Scotia.

Well, I can't help you with related experience, but you are going to have all sorts of emotions over it. I guess when you have little kids involved you have to let those directly involved figure out the route to take because they will ultimatley be responsible. I imagine your bf is going to look to you for support because he's probably wreeling from this as well. But at the same time, you're going to be trying to help him, but looking out for yourself as well.

You know you're going to get 150% support here in whatever you need as an outlet, discussion, whatever. But probably right now there are a million decisions to be made but no need to make all of them at once. Don't anticipate all the potential problems and let that frazzle you - but I guess just float with it for at least a few days & see where the chips start to fall once the shock has worn off. I always recommend getting the legal stuff and any of that sort of thing squared away if it needs to be done (for one thing ... a paternity test...) before getting shut down by all the other emotions & chaos. Then take things one at a time, don't doubt yourself and don't jump to any conclusions.

I think this is a good time to refer you to the "Raindrop Massage" thread for something for yourself ...

and hang in there hon!

And try to stay on your gym schedule -- it does wonders for stress & quality sleep.

 

[skittles]

Wow. And you were looking forward to a nice quiet week in Nova Scotia.

Well, I can't help you with related experience, but you are going to have all sorts of emotions over it. I guess when you have little kids involved you have to let those directly involved figure out the route to take because they will ultimatley be responsible. I imagine your bf is going to look to you for support because he's probably wreeling from this as well. But at the same time, you're going to be trying to help him, but looking out for yourself as well.

You know you're going to get 150% support here in whatever you need as an outlet, discussion, whatever. But probably right now there are a million decisions to be made but no need to make all of them at once. Don't anticipate all the potential problems and let that frazzle you - but I guess just float with it for at least a few days & see where the chips start to fall once the shock has worn off. I always recommend getting the legal stuff and any of that sort of thing squared away if it needs to be done (for one thing ... a paternity test...) before getting shut down by all the other emotions & chaos. Then take things one at a time, don't doubt yourself and don't jump to any conclusions.

I think this is a good time to refer you to the "Raindrop Massage" thread for something for yourself ...

and hang in there hon!

And try to stay on your gym schedule -- it does wonders for stress & quality sleep.

Thanks Sassy

I'm going to have to look at that massage!

I took 2 days off of the gym (Sat & Sun) I ate my face off & had some wine with the girls. I had to get it out of my system! I think I'll start a daily journal like all you ladies. That way you all can put the whips to me if I slack!!

 

[Sassy69]

 

[*MissFit*]

Hun find out if it is his first.. DNA test immediately

 

[Miss24k]

WOW... that's some news, but I agree with Sassy, don't let it control you, take it 1 day at a time, just go with it and see how it goes. See if it's something you can deal with...

And make that boyfriend get a paternity test...women can be so scandelous sometimes, it took this woman 4 years to let him know he had a son, instead of when she first got pregnant. Definiately make sure it's his.

Be there for your boyfriend cause I'm sure he needs you, but also take sometime for yourself. You can definiately justify getting 1 of those raindrop massages right now, so go for it!

We're here for you Skittles whenever you need to vent... if needed you can always pm me hun

I hope everything works out for you girl.

 

[Gymgurl]

Well......CC has the first thing right....Make sure he finds out if this baby is his FOR CERTIAN! okay so now say it is.........you have to accept this! I know it has to be really hard for both of you, but things happen. I always say it could have been me...so if you chose to remain with him ..you are going to have to let him handle this. But, remeber things happen and he is not moving in with you guys. This is his child who needs to know who is dad is either now or later. Hang in there ! It will be oaky!

 

[velvett]

He has a son (who is almost 4 year old!!!!) that he just found out about. Apparently he dated a girl for about a month, but nothing came out of it. He said that she went back with her ex-boyfriend & moved away. Now, her & her boyfriend have split & she contacted my boyfriend to tell him she believes he is the dad

Get a DNA test, it's that simple. If she was having sex with two men and didn't know then who the "daddy" was well... I won't go there.

She wants my boyfriend to be part of the boy's life now. This would involve her moving back to where we live. She would have no job, no place to live etc etc.. He has a small apartment (1 bedroom) in the basement of his house. He wants to see how I feel about her living in the apartment & the boy living in the spare bedroom.

Oh course she does. Her living with him? Are they both insane?
If the boy is really his then he can visit his father, there's no need for the mother and child to move in with your boyfriend. (Anyone else find this insane or am I really just a cold hearted bitch?)

I am having a hard time dealing with this. I can't understand why anyone would wait all these years to find out who the father of their child was. What if he was ever sick???? Maybe you ladies can help me out here........it really confuses me. I'm trying my hardest not to freak out & jump to any conculsions, but I'm competely lost.

Your response is perfectly normal - it's the mother and your boyfriend that seem to have lost their minds. Take a deep breath - suggest the DNA - do not let this go, if he can't see to do this you'll be doing him a favor.

I'm finding it really hard to not act differently towards my boyfriend. I'm really pissed that he took me away from my work, friends, family, EF (lol) to drop this on me. I have been trying to be supportive (it's confusing for him too), but wtf? I'm lost for words........

I think he meant well, guys think about things differently them women do, or he wanted you to flip out away from home.

Please don't think I don't want him to meet his son (I hope everything works out, & he will show him a good life) I'm just freaking about her. I'm probably acting very jealous & immature, but I can't help it. I am absoulety baffled.

Well, sounds like she looking out after HER best insterest and her son is a potential tool, even in the event that it is your boyfriend's son. (I would be furious that that sort of information was withheld for 4 years.) I'll bite my tongue about the rest that I'm thinking.

I suggested that he should meet them, get to know his son BEFORE I even step into the picture. I don't know if I suggested this because I want time to figure things out, or because I really think that's the best idea. I'm all over the place with my thoughts / feelings.

DNA DNA DNA!!!!!!!!!!!
Before anything.

Does anyone have any realated experiences / advice???? Thanks to anyone who replies

BIG HUG.

 

[*Bunny*]

WOW... that's some news, but I agree with Sassy, don't let it control you, take it 1 day at a time, just go with it and see how it goes. See if it's something you can deal with...

And make that boyfriend get a paternity test...women can be so scandelous sometimes, it took this woman 4 years to let him know he had a son, instead of when she first got pregnant. Definiately make sure it's his.

Be there for your boyfriend cause I'm sure he needs you, but also take sometime for yourself. You can definiately justify getting 1 of those raindrop massages right now, so go for it!

We're here for you Skittles whenever you need to vent... if needed you can always pm me hun

I hope everything works out for you girl.

^^^ goes for me as well

 

[PaganPunkstress]

I have been in that boat before,
its not easy, I know how you feel *big hug*
I agree with the other ladies,
he needs to get a paternity test before he jumps in and lets her live with him.

 

[jenscats5]

I agree with what Velvett said 100%!!!

1) DNA test
2) I see NO reason AT ALL as to WHY this woman needs to live with your bf. Now, he needs to pay support if the kid is his, but there is no reason that she can't have her own place, work & support herself. There are way too many women in this world who will try to take advantage.

I worked with a woman who's husband got a woman pregnant on a 1 night stand way before they were married. This woman purposely slept with men to get pregnant & get support -- she had a bunch of kids & got a bunch of support & spent all the money on herself.

Before doing anything, he needs to get a DNA test then sit with a lawyer & work out a support plan & get it all in writing, so there won't be any play-by-play with the kid.

 

[velvett]

I still can't get over this.
I'm just stunned.

I feel so bad.

*speechless*

 

[skittles]

Thanks ladies

I already told him that the test MUST be taken........or I'm gone. She wants to move here first & then get it done. She say's she's 100% certain

I know that it's not my boyfriends fault, and it's not the childs fault, but I want to choke her head off her neck, I just can't get over heR thoughts behind this & waiting 4 years!!!!!

Thanks again ladies

 

[*Bunny*]

Thanks ladies

I already told him that the test MUST be taken........or I'm gone. She wants to move here first & then get it done. She say's she's 100% certain

I know that it's not my boyfriends fault, and it's not the childs fault, but I want to choke her head off her neck, I just can't get over heR thoughts behind this & waiting 4 years!!!!!

Thanks again ladies

I think the test should be done PRIOR to her coming here period...

How far away is she now?

 

[Miss24k]

Thanks ladies

I already told him that the test MUST be taken........or I'm gone. She wants to move here first & then get it done. She say's she's 100% certain

I know that it's not my boyfriends fault, and it's not the childs fault, but I want to choke her head off her neck, I just can't get over heR thoughts behind this & waiting 4 years!!!!!

Thanks again ladies

Hell I wanna choke her for you. She's a piece of work to say the least, and she thinks she slick, by saying she wants to move there first.

 

[skittles]

She's in Vancouver, I'm in Nova Scotia. I just looked up the distance - 2758 miles (4439 km) I wanna puke

 

[*Bunny*]

She's in Vancouver, I'm in Nova Scotia. I just looked up the distance - 2758 miles (4439 km) I wanna puke

I'm SO sorry girl
What was your BF's reaction to getting the pat. test before the 'move' ?

 

[velvett]

Thanks ladies

I already told him that the test MUST be taken........or I'm gone. She wants to move here first & then get it done. She say's she's 100% certain

She's totally up to something.

I mean REALLY - what if it's not his kid?
Then what?

And if she is SO certain why did she keep it secret to your boyfriend and HER now ex boyfriend.

A real piece of work.

It's no wonder men judge women the way they do.

 

[skittles]

I'm SO sorry girl
What was your BF's reaction to getting the pat. test before the 'move' ?

He agrees. I can tell if he had a son he would be so happy. I just wish the situation was alot different. I'm sort of felling like she's in command. She's making all the calls. I don't know if this is me freaking out, or if it's really the case............I don't want to be the perosn who tells him she can't come here & he never gets to meet his son (assuming it is his). If I take time away, I'm not there for him..........this really bites!

Thanks for being supportive dolls

 

[*Bunny*]

He agrees. I can tell if he had a son he would be so happy. I just wish the situation was alot different. I'm sort of felling like she's in command. She's making all the calls. I don't know if this is me freaking out, or if it's really the case............I don't want to be the perosn who tells him she can't come here & he never gets to meet his son (assuming it is his). If I take time away, I'm not there for him..........this really bites!

Thanks for being supportive dolls

You are welcome! I think the inital freak out is completely normal and acceptable given your situation.

DO not worry about freaking out...

You are in no way responsible for her lack of communication with your BF 4 YEARS AGO, if he is in fact the father.

Given that, he shouldn't feel bad about asking for a pat. test period and demanding one before this ex gets all packed and shows up on his doorstep (and make it clear to her this is what needs to be done before anything further is discussed)

 

[skittles]

She's totally up to something.

I mean REALLY - what if it's not his kid?
Then what?

And if she is SO certain why did she keep it secret to your boyfriend and HER now ex boyfriend.

A real piece of work.

It's no wonder men judge women the way they do.

This has been my point all week...............I can't understand her. I do want to do anything for him, but I'm scared to meet her. I am so mad at her I think I'd blow.

I would REALLY like to know what she's thinking. I'm trying not to blame anything on my BF, BUT what if he was in contact with her or something????? I don't understand how she can drop this on someone 4 years later! He tells me he wasn't (I have never seen/heard him lie to anyone before) Every 2 min's I'm thinking 'what if....'

 

[jenscats5]

He agrees. I can tell if he had a son he would be so happy. I just wish the situation was alot different. I'm sort of felling like she's in command. She's making all the calls. I don't know if this is me freaking out, or if it's really the case............I don't want to be the perosn who tells him she can't come here & he never gets to meet his son (assuming it is his). If I take time away, I'm not there for him..........this really bites!

Thanks for being supportive dolls

Oh for crying out loud!! Talk about a mind fuck!! Pardon my language....

Since he had NO IDEA THE KID EVEN EXISTED FOR 4 YEARS THERE IS NO REASON THEY CAN'T WAIT ANOTHER 30 DAYS FOR THE DNA TEST TO BE DONE & THE RESULTS!!

I can't believe he's ready to let this woman move right in to HIS HOUSE with a kid that may or may not be his...... I hate to be a meanie, but I mean really? How does he really know the kid is his??

 

[skittles]

I just read this thread over. LOL I really belong on the Springer show

I've decided that I'm going to tell him that the test HAS to be done (before anything else is even considered)

If either one has a problem....it's too bad. What can she really expect????

Anyone have any experiences with this kind of test? I assume he can get his done here & the child at home?

 

[Sassy69]

If you do a Google on "paternity test" you come up with all sorts of services.

Here's one that had a good description of the process:

http://www.genelex.com/paternitytesting/paternitybook4.html

 

[skittles]

If you do a Google on "paternity test" you come up with all sorts of services.

Here's one that had a good description of the process:

http://www.genelex.com/paternitytesting/paternitybook4.html

Thanks Sassy

I just breezed through it & will read it tomorrow when I have a clear mind. I had no idea this was such a popular thing.

 

[Raina]

Wow. I agree with Velvett 100%. She said exactly what I thought. The idea of her moving into his place is insane. Not to say that parents shouldn't have relationships with their kids (if they're really their kids) but living together? Regardless of the paternity issue (which I'd be surprised by but wouldn't see as being battle #1) I'd see the living together thing as a huge issue. Not that parents shouldn't see their kids (if they're really their kids) but that's nuts. I have a 0-tolerance policy on bf's living with ex's) the living together.

I agree about the DNA test. A friend of the family almost lost his marriage after his HS sweetheart approached them 15 years later to say that her baby was his. She went after him legally for back child support, he insisted on the test, and it was proven that he wasn't the dad. I'm a little jaded I suppose on people being "positive" about things like that when they emerge from the past.

In the mean time, try to take care of yourself. It has to be stressful for him too but the whole moving in idea etc isn't something you should have to deal with. If it's proven that he's the dad, the two of you will have to figure out what to do next but right now it really sounds like you're in limbo. Trust your gut. Stick to your guns. There's no reason you should have to meet the other girl or anything. But your bf needs to be supportive of you too right now. Good luck.

 

[Gymgurl]

DO NOT put up the moving in crap...they can wait until the test is done and read. There is NO reason why she should be moving in anyway... that is what child support helps to pay for...

 

[skittles]

DO NOT put up the moving in crap...they can wait until the test is done and read. There is NO reason why she should be moving in anyway... that is what child support helps to pay for...

I'm really glad I posted this & got your opinions. This is a HUGE deal & I wasn't sure if I was reacting well. If it is his, I want the child to move here, I don't care if it's a full time thing, I want them to be together...............I just want her to stay put, I don't think I want to see her face for quite awhile.


Raina - that's crazy!!! 15 years - what are these woman thinking?

 

[Miss24k]

I'm really glad I posted this & got your opinions. This is a HUGE deal & I wasn't sure if I was reacting well. If it is his, I want the child to move here, I don't care if it's a full time thing, I want them to be together...............I just want her to stay put, I don't think I want to see her face for quite awhile.


Raina - that's crazy!!! 15 years - what are these woman thinking?

Yes huney, you're reactions are understandable, and I would say you're handling it quite well.


Some women are just down right scandelous!!! And this 1 is up to something, I don't understand the whole part about her moving in with him...

 

[skittles]

Yes huney, you're reactions are understandable, and I would say you're handling it quite well.


Some women are just down right scandelous!!! And this 1 is up to something, I don't understand the whole part about her moving in with him...

I'm thinking she doesn't really have a place to go. She doesn't have a job / place here. I don't know what her situation is now, but I hope she taking care of the little guy.........I'll keep you all posted when I hear more / get any facts

 

[Sassy69]

What's she been doign for the last 4 yrs and what made her come out of the woodwork now?? She just ran out of options & had to come looking for help or ??

 

[nycgirl]

Hey skittles!

I completely understand about living in a real life Jerry Springer episode. My mother went through something like this six years ago. We found out that my father (they were married 33 years when we found out) had another child in another state (he had an affair and the mother of the child sent letters to my house addressed to my mother). Needless to say we were angry, shocked, sad, etc. Our family has not been the same since.

Anyway, first stay strong. Before you let your emotions get in the way, I strongly recommend a DNA test. Velvett is right, if she wasn't sure four years ago there is a possibility she is wrong now. If the child is his, he should be in the child's life, but no way in hell should she live with you or him. Where are her parents? Doesn't she have other family members that can support her?

 

[skittles]

Hey skittles!

I completely understand about living in a real life Jerry Springer episode. My mother went through something like this six years ago. We found out that my father (they were married 33 years when we found out) had another child in another state (he had an affair and the mother of the child sent letters to my house addressed to my mother). Needless to say we were angry, shocked, sad, etc. Our family has not been the same since.

Anyway, first stay strong. Before you let your emotions get in the way, I strongly recommend a DNA test. Velvett is right, if she wasn't sure four years ago there is a possibility she is wrong now. If the child is his, he should be in the child's life, but no way in hell should she live with you or him. Where are her parents? Doesn't she have other family members that can support her?

Thats horrible...........thanks for sharing though

Yup, he's getting a DNA test. I'm trying not to jump/assume anything, I'm TRYING to think of it as 'everything happens for a reason'

She has family, I guess they don't talk. I don't know the reason why, and either does my BF

I'm REALLY trying to be there for him, but everytime the phone rings I think it's her, I know now is not the time to be jealous, but I'm just insecure with him right now.

Th postive side to this whole ordeal is - he'd be a GREAT father. He's older than me (by quite a bit) & he/his mom adopted a little girl when he was 22. Her father died in a car accident, & her mother was into heavy drugs. He has/does treat her like an angel. I know he would be the same towards the little boy (if it;s his)

I wasn't going to post his background / get personal about him, but maybe that's why this ex is coming out now????? I hate to think someone would actually go that low, but I don't have any respect for her

 

[habitualhealth]

Hey there...

Just read through the post and being a single mommy, I'm about to break all kinds of ugly on this chic. (and I don't even know her). Someone said it best in the thread...it's no wonder men judge women the way they do.

As with everyone else...paternity test first. (which I think you're way on top of)
2nd- If baby boy turns out to be your BF's offspring...congrats to him. Honestly, despite any given situation, having a child/step child is one of the most miraculous and intriguing experiences in life. If he is the father...and homeslice moms can't afford her own place, food, toilet paper, etc...daddy boy needs to go for joint custody. Also, if $$ is tight on both ends, you can go through child support recovery center and pay like $35 bucks for them to issue a court agreement. (http://www.dhs.state.ia.us/BOC/BOC.asp) They'll get tax records and paycheck stubs from BOTH parties to determine who pays what and how much. Good thing to this is if she IS scamming him...they'll at least know what her income and fundage has been for the past 3 years. I mean seriously, as a mother, she hasn't done any research on your BF to date. Why would any woman just pick up and move 50,000 miles away without investigating the situation first. (i sure as hell wouldn't want my baby around a man that I didn't know IN ADVANCE would be good daddy material) Of course you know I'm not suggesting anything less of your BF. I'm merely making an objective observation of this bobo chic mom.

3rd- If the baby is his, have him contact the grandparents etc and find out what's going on in her life. It may boil down to the best interest of the baby being with your BF and her NOT moving at all. Women are just as effin' jacked up as men these days.

4th-as for you...i don't catch in the thread how long you two have been together...but if you love the guy...your best hand in the situation is to sit back and listen. Befriend the hell out of him. He's already having an internal freak out with the possibility alone. I assure you, he's already ponder the thought of you leaving him if the baby is his. Trust your heart on everything. But at the same time, don't let the red flags slip through the cracks. You seem like a very intelligent chic...I'm certain you'll do what's best for yourself and everyone else in this situation. Best of luck. Looks like you've got a pretty powerful team here backing ya...we're all supporting you. What doesn't break us makes us some tough beyotches.

 

[Sassy69]

lol Serious good stuff! Beyotches!

 

[skittles]

4th-as for you...i don't catch in the thread how long you two have been together...but if you love the guy...your best hand in the situation is to sit back and listen. Befriend the hell out of him. He's already having an internal freak out with the possibility alone. I assure you, he's already ponder the thought of you leaving him if the baby is his.

I have been with him for almost 3 years. We have taken things REALLY REALLY slow, so this is our first 'obstacle' in our relationship; it’s definitely testing us to see where we really stand in each others lives.

The tests have already been taken, and now it’s a waiting game…… I expect to know within the next few days.

My boyfriend & I (along with 2 other couples) have a vacation booked from March 2-16th……..we are heading to Florida. We were going to put this on hold, but decided to go, spend some time together & figure things out. If we get the news that the child his, we will have some time to discus it, without the stress of everything at home. I’ll still be logging onto EF – so I can still update all you ladies.

I really appreciate all of your help & advice. This situation has been VERY hard on me, and I’m trying so hard to be strong. I haven’t really been posting (I find that I’m jumpy & sensitive to everything & I really don’t want to post anything I don’t mean – hope this makes sense), but I’m glad to see all you ladies are doing well with you training etc.

To all you who are worried about my BF not excepting, supporting the child (if it’s his) – please don’t. He is a totally awesome guy & he would treat him like a little prince. If this is the outcome I’m going to let them spend time & get to know each other before I enter the picture. I can’t even imagine how all of this would confuse a child.

My BF has a lawyer who is really helpful in answering our questions. If the child is his he wants him to live with him (without his ex) I don’t think this will happen, but maybe he can win some sort of part time custody………..I don’t know, but I really hope things work out for the best.

Thanks again ladies…….I’m glad I have the support here, you would be amazed at how many different opinions & negative comments I get regarding this situation

 

[*Bunny*]

Thanks again ladies…….I’m glad I have the support here, you would be amazed at how many different opinions & negative comments I get regarding this situation

Aww sweeite, I will NEVER judge you or him like that in anyway.

We are hear to listen to you vent and get your feelings out if you ever need to. Besides, you always have Shadow Delete the post after the fact, right?

Have a relaxing trip to and we are here if you need us.