Just to get this straight, are you saying $1000 to never need to wipe again, or to never have to do it yourself? I mean, the sheer number of shits i do mean that id get to the stage where id need to make idle chit-chat with this professional phillipino wiper. I admit, it would be exciting at first, introducing her to your range of consistency, speed, weight and volume. But once she had experienced your full repetoire of poops, conversation would start to dry up. You would find yourself sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night just to load up on weetabix and fibre so that you might have something to talk about in the morning. But how long could you keep that up, sooner or later she'll hear your sneaking, and then come the accusations. I know i couldnt face that. Its just too awkward. And if anyone thinks that they could keep quiet while this girl's at work, you're mistaken. There is no such thing as a toilet mute.