would you have freaked?

[stilleto]

background: my friend in work is very smart, but he's gross. He's very obese (i don't know how much. 300? 400?) and a smoker who is always coughing up a lung. He has no manners and is always invading my space- he touches everything on my desk, moves things around, if he sees me eating something he'll help himself, even if it means putting his fingers in it (like I had a bag of raw cashews and he wanted to try some, so he just reaches in, then makes a face because they aren't salted). He stands over me while i'm working and coughs or chews loudly. He thinks i'm germ-phobic (it's really just him) and that I won't let him come in my office if he is sick and he's not allowed to touch things, even though he does anyway and then laughs.

anyway, I ran an errand yesterday for a promotion we are doing. I had to find a snack food item for something. I came back with a bunch of samples and hid them in my office. One was definitely not going to work, but it looked good- it was freeze dried apple slices in individual packages, so i took that package for myself and was going to eat it. I stopped into the open marketing area while I was holding the unopened bag and was telling the rest of the marketing team what I had found. My friend held his hand out to see the apple package. I handed it to him and said that I wasn't going to be using that- it was for me personally.

a few seconds later, I look back at him and he's got the package in his MOUTH. he was trying to tell me he wanted to eat it I guess. he didn't have the whole thing in his mouth (it's too big), but he didn't just have it in his teeth either. his lips were closed on it and he was just sitting there listening to the conversation with the package hanging out of his mouth.

"WTF are you doing???"
He chuckled and wiped the bag off on his pants. I said, "no really, why the hell would you put that in your mouth???"

he said, "cause I want it?"
I was PISSED. it's not about the package of dried apples (which i threw away)- it's respect. The rest of the department could see i was pissed.

Later, my friend came over and was surprised that I was still at my desk, then asked if i had any food.

i said no, but i have a feeling he comes looking for food in my office all the time. (which is why i lock things up).
do i have a right to be mad? am i overreacting because he's gross? he's also my friend and would let me share anything he had (which i never do).

 

[ortiz34]

tell him what's on your mind
what is on your mind?
are u racist against fat people?
Is it because he eats all your food?

 

[velvett]

You absolutely have the right to be angry, he's rude, inconsiderate and it's a blatant invasion of your space and privacy.

 

[heatherrae]

He's inconsiderate and pretty disgusting. I overlook most things like this, but I tend to be too much of a doormat.

 

[Smurfy]

Why is he your friend?

 

[-Ariel-]

Wow a loud talker and some fight club version of a fat slob... thats pretty annoying... usually though annoyances come in 3's so I'm guessing there is one more that gets on your nerves as well... man thats a tough pick between fat tyler durden and unassuming loud physics gal... man the patience you must be developing... you have every right to be infuriated... that shit is not even funny.

 

[hog#head#cheese]

Before you guys hammer the guy think about this it's quite obvious the guy has an eating problem to the point"Nothing is more important"Than food.As an addict myself i can kinda have compassion for this guy and Im not known for sensitivity.He is an addict plain and simple if Stilleto is referring to him as her "friend"Than im sure he might not have always been like this I reccomend instead maybe offer some constructive advice on his eating habits instead of making fun of him which she (obviouesly) is not there are alot of programs for overeaters out there maybe point him in the right direction

 

[Smurfy]

Before you guys hammer the guy think about this it's quite obvious the guy has an eating problem to the point"Nothing is more important"Than food.As an addict myself i can kinda have compassion for this guy and Im not known for sensitivity.He is an addict plain and simple if Stilleto is referring to him as her "friend"Than im sure he might not have always been like this I reccomend instead maybe offer some constructive advice on his eating habits instead of making fun of him which she (obviouesly) is not there are alot of programs for overeaters out there maybe point him in the right direction

Im a food addict as well (FACT) but i never impose my addiction on other people (stealing their food or taking it when they clearly are not happy with the notion)
thats not eating disorder, thats being socially inept. he doesnt pick up on other people's social cues. he cant control his impulses.
its not like he doesnt have the MEANS to get his own food (access, funds).

 

[hog#head#cheese]

Im a food addict as well (FACT) but i never impose my addiction on other people (stealing their food or taking it when they clearly are not happy with the notion)
thats not eating disorder, thats being socially inept. he doesnt pick up on other people's social cues. he cant control his impulses.
its not like he doesnt have the MEANS to get his own food (access, funds).

I really doubt you are as addicted as this guy,The last thing on an addicts mind are his social blunders YES he is being rude and im sure his prescence is nauseating but the dudes got issues and being in recovery myself for drugs allows me to finally see things like this

 

[EnderJE]

Addict or not, to me, there is always a line of decency that you do not cross. He's crossed it.

Is that fair? Maybe not and I'm probably missing out on all the great people who are addicts, but that's my loss and the way I live my life.

 

[velvett]

Before you guys hammer the guy think about this it's quite obvious the guy has an eating problem to the point"Nothing is more important"Than food.As an addict myself i can kinda have compassion for this guy and Im not known for sensitivity.He is an addict plain and simple if Stilleto is referring to him as her "friend"Than im sure he might not have always been like this I reccomend instead maybe offer some constructive advice on his eating habits instead of making fun of him which she (obviouesly) is not there are alot of programs for overeaters out there maybe point him in the right direction

WAIT, what?


Would you go up to someone and rip the cigar or cigarette right out of mouth because you HAD TO HAVE IT? Would you take a woman off the street, throw her to the ground and have sex with her if you were addicted? (wait bad example people do do that) Would you tear a can or bottle of coke out of your friend's hand because you wanted it?

Smurfy's right, it's not addiction it's being socially inept.

In his case he just doesn't have anyone bigger than him to show him repeatedly and convincingly that his behavior is in appropriate.

 

[NEO1]

Have some fun with it. Crush up a viagra or 2 and put it in some food you know he will steal. He wont get up to get food for a while.

 

[chazk]

You should never show someone what you are eating, and if they ask to touch it say no.
I am very defensive about my food. I have been at various jobs and find other people eating my food and they claimed "oh but I was starving". I am like well yea thanks now I am starving.
I start a new contractgig next week and I know if I have to I will beat someone down someone if they touch my food.
If I came in and found a dude with my food still wrapped hanging in my mouth , I would go ape shit.
Reminds me back in elementry school a kid licked his finger and shoved in into my pizza and asked " can I have that " I took that pizza and luanched it right into is face.

Some people have no respect.

 

[velvett]

Have some fun with it. Crush up a viagra or 2 and put it in some food you know he will steal. He wont get up to get food for a while.

I like it

 

[chazk]

Have some fun with it. Crush up a viagra or 2 and put it in some food you know he will steal. He wont get up to get food for a while.

bake some laxitive cookies take them to work , tell him they are for you if he puts them in his mouth , then a lesson well deserved

 

[hog#head#cheese]

WAIT, what?


Would you go up to someone and rip the cigar or cigarette right out of mouth because you HAD TO HAVE IT? Would you take a woman off the street, throw her to the ground and have sex with her if you were addicted? (wait bad example people do do that) Would you tear a can or bottle of coke out of your friend's hand because you wanted it?

Smurfy's right, it's not addiction it's being socially inept.

In his case he just doesn't have anyone bigger than him to show him repeatedly and convincingly that his behavior is in appropriate.

Well,AS an addict I USED to do whatever it took to satisfy my cravings to the point of stealing or humiliating myself You have no idea whats going on in this dudes head,Is it Wrong?YES,But without help the guy might wind up bed ridden at 600lbs with a gun to his head

 

[velvett]

Well,AS an addict I USED to do whatever it took to satisfy my cravings to the point of stealing or humiliating myself You have no idea whats going on in this dudes head,Is it Wrong?YES,But without help the guy might wind up bed ridden at 600lbs with a gun to his head

Ok, I can't argue something I haven't experienced so I will just have to except what you are saying.

Can we agree the guy needs help?

I'd bring a paddle to work with me and swat him.

 

[hog#head#cheese]

Ok, I can't argue something I haven't experienced so I will just have to except what you are saying.

Can we agree the guy needs help?

I'd bring a paddle to work with me and swat him.

An all out ass kickin would not be out of line but just point the poor bastard in the right direction.It took a near death experience to make me understand

 

[stilleto]

tell him what's on your mind
what is on your mind?
are u racist against fat people?
Is it because he eats all your food?

he's my friend, so i'm not racist... but he's not the cleanest person around. I have told him- he's stood over me at my desk while he's had a cold and I told him to get back, so instead he pretended to touch everything on my desk by running his hands close to my keyboard and phone. Or i'll pick up something i've brought in for lunch and pretended to taste it while making "yum yum yum" noises.

ewww.

 

[stilleto]

Why is he your friend?

well, he's a "work friend". we work together, so there's the convenient factor. He's very smart, and often funny, and he's always concerned about me.
(he's geigh btw)

we've just fallen into a habit of having lunch together a lot, but I dont' hang with him on the weekends, ever.

 

[Longhorn85]

I was going to ask what Smurf did, why do you consider him to be your friend, but you answered that one.

I think he needs a frank talking to:

"Look Mr X, let me be frank here. A lot of people around here find you annoying, but I actually like you. I think you're a nice person and I like having lunch together, etc, but you are starting to get on my last nerve with this chow hound action..."

 

[hog#head#cheese]

A FaT geigh Guy?Not alot of them around

 

[gotmilk]

You should have kung foo'd him with a broomstick handle.

 

[Chocolate_Thunder]

background: my friend in work is very smart, but he's gross. He's very obese (i don't know how much. 300? 400?) and a smoker who is always coughing up a lung. He has no manners and is always invading my space- he touches everything on my desk, moves things around, if he sees me eating something he'll help himself, even if it means putting his fingers in it (like I had a bag of raw cashews and he wanted to try some, so he just reaches in, then makes a face because they aren't salted). He stands over me while i'm working and coughs or chews loudly. He thinks i'm germ-phobic (it's really just him) and that I won't let him come in my office if he is sick and he's not allowed to touch things, even though he does anyway and then laughs.

anyway, I ran an errand yesterday for a promotion we are doing. I had to find a snack food item for something. I came back with a bunch of samples and hid them in my office. One was definitely not going to work, but it looked good- it was freeze dried apple slices in individual packages, so i took that package for myself and was going to eat it. I stopped into the open marketing area while I was holding the unopened bag and was telling the rest of the marketing team what I had found. My friend held his hand out to see the apple package. I handed it to him and said that I wasn't going to be using that- it was for me personally.

a few seconds later, I look back at him and he's got the package in his MOUTH. he was trying to tell me he wanted to eat it I guess. he didn't have the whole thing in his mouth (it's too big), but he didn't just have it in his teeth either. his lips were closed on it and he was just sitting there listening to the conversation with the package hanging out of his mouth.

"WTF are you doing???"
He chuckled and wiped the bag off on his pants. I said, "no really, why the hell would you put that in your mouth???"

he said, "cause I want it?"
I was PISSED. it's not about the package of dried apples (which i threw away)- it's respect. The rest of the department could see i was pissed.

Later, my friend came over and was surprised that I was still at my desk, then asked if i had any food.

i said no, but i have a feeling he comes looking for food in my office all the time. (which is why i lock things up).
do i have a right to be mad? am i overreacting because he's gross? he's also my friend and would let me share anything he had (which i never do).

Yeah, I'd be pissed. I also would have bitch slapped him.

 

[redguru]

i think it's time to make ex-lax fudge.

 

[RachelEFC]

disgusting,

 

[gonelifting]

he's my friend, so i'm not racist... but he's not the cleanest person around. I have told him- he's stood over me at my desk while he's had a cold and I told him to get back, so instead he pretended to touch everything on my desk by running his hands close to my keyboard and phone. Or i'll pick up something i've brought in for lunch and pretended to taste it while making "yum yum yum" noises.

ewww.

It seems that you two have formed a "cute" relationship where you are in his eyes"cute when annoyed" or whatever he sees when you're annoyed and telling him to stop. You need to make it more clear in another way that his behavior is unacceptable. Do it in another way thzan you've been doing because anything you say or do at this point is just "awe... so cute" and he keeps doing it. He's too comfortable around you and doesn't see it any other way.

You need to make a special "meeting" with him. Sit down and have a talk with him or something that is not your usual "don't do that" remark or frustration. Good luck.

Honestly, I would say "don't ever do that again. OK?" If he doesn't answer "OK", then I can't be associated with him anymore.


and he's not "really smart." btw.

 

[gotmilk]

http://jimstroud.com/blogpics/dwight.jpg

 

[nefertiti]

When I had my eating disorder, stealing food around the office was not beneath me when I was in binge mode. That's a shameful thing to have to admit, but I was sick as hell. The compulsion can definitely override the fear of consequences.

That said, while he may be a food addict, he also clearly has boundary issues as well. The addict in his brain would want to hide the behavior, do it in secret. His public behavior around 'lleto is another issue entirely, in my opinion.

You have every right to be pissed, and I think you need to have a little bit of a tough love talk with him.

 

[hog#head#cheese]

When I had my eating disorder, stealing food around the office was not beneath me when I was in binge mode. That's a shameful thing to have to admit, but I was sick as hell. The compulsion can definitely override the fear of consequences.

That said, while he may be a food addict, he also clearly has boundary issues as well. The addict in his brain would want to hide the behavior, do it in secret. His public behavior around 'lleto is another issue entirely, in my opinion.

You have every right to be pissed, and I think you need to have a little bit of a tough love talk with him.

Good info^^^^

 

[nefertiti]

Good info^^^^

I know someone who has some real boundary issues with me as well, but of a different variety. I have, a couple of times, had to sit down with him and in no uncertain terms point out what my boundaries were, and what would happen if he continued to cross them. I think an important point, also, was that I did not talk to him immediately after I was provoked or angry. I waited a couple of days, collected my thoughts, and made sure it was nothing he could dismiss as "heat of the moment reaction." For the most part since our last chit chat the invasive behavior has stopped.

 

[stilleto]

It seems that you two have formed a "cute" relationship where you are in his eyes"cute when annoyed" or whatever he sees when you're annoyed and telling him to stop. You need to make it more clear in another way that his behavior is unacceptable. Do it in another way thzan you've been doing because anything you say or do at this point is just "awe... so cute" and he keeps doing it. He's too comfortable around you and doesn't see it any other way.

You need to make a special "meeting" with him. Sit down and have a talk with him or something that is not your usual "don't do that" remark or frustration. Good luck.

Honestly, I would say "don't ever do that again. OK?" If he doesn't answer "OK", then I can't be associated with him anymore.


and he's not "really smart." btw.

you're right.
i mean, about him not taking me seriously when i'm annoyed.

he definitely has an eating problem, and his lunches are HUGE, where as mine are small to tiny.
today I have a small bowl of cherries on my desk and he came over before and said "Ooooooh! cherries!" and started to reach for it. I said "STOP!" and then told him to ASK next time. He's done that before with things that aren't food related though- he'll take a rubber stamp and stamp on a piece of paper that i did not want a stamp on it yet, or drew pictures on my calender, where I would need to write things.
he does think it's funny to see me mad, but a lot of my job is coordinating work, and to have that disrupted is beyond rude.

 

[nefertiti]

you're right.
i mean, about him not taking me seriously when i'm annoyed.

he definitely has an eating problem, and his lunches are HUGE, where as mine are small to tiny.
today I have a small bowl of cherries on my desk and he came over before and said "Ooooooh! cherries!" and started to reach for it. I said "STOP!" and then told him to ASK next time. He's done that before with things that aren't food related though- he'll take a rubber stamp and stamp on a piece of paper that i did not want a stamp on it yet, or drew pictures on my calender, where I would need to write things.
he does think it's funny to see me mad, but a lot of my job is coordinating work, and to have that disrupted is beyond rude.

see my above post....the best way to deal with people like this is to talk to them when you are NOT annoyed. Don't mince words, be firm, and let him know exactly how you feel about his behavior, and that it needs to stop.

 

[ponyfitness]

This is typical sandbox dominance behaviour. He knows it annoys you and he enjoys that because even though it annoys you it still is allowed to happen. He's like a little kid and needs to be treated as such.

My suggestion would be to ban him from coming into your office or speaking to you for a day - meaning close the door/cubicle and if he tries to come in, tell him firmly to leave and don't engage him beyond that. When he asks why, tell him all the reasons that what he does bothers you.

Actions lead to consequences, just like dealing with a 3 year old. He obviously doesn't have a lot of social boundaries so you simply need to establish them and make them stick. People like this will keep doing it until they get those boundaries established and know you are serious.

Also, like a mod, you could post a note telling him he's banned.

 

[WhistleBritches]

you have a right to be angry but I would not have acted on it publically

i would have told him after the meeting was over

why? cus he means well, and likes you even if he is rude lol

 

[WhistleBritches]

i think it's time to make ex-lax fudge.

oloollo

 

[stilleto]

I know someone who has some real boundary issues with me as well, but of a different variety. I have, a couple of times, had to sit down with him and in no uncertain terms point out what my boundaries were, and what would happen if he continued to cross them. I think an important point, also, was that I did not talk to him immediately after I was provoked or angry. I waited a couple of days, collected my thoughts, and made sure it was nothing he could dismiss as "heat of the moment reaction." For the most part since our last chit chat the invasive behavior has stopped.

excellent advice.

when we've gone out to lunch in my car, he touches things too. like, he changes the direction of the vents (that's okay), turns off my radio, opens the windows, takes the mail off my dashboard and puts it in my glovebox (i got PISSED when he did that, because I forgot to mail something important. I told him now not to touch anything in my car or i won't drive).

he does have boundary issues. He has a lot of issues, i know.
as soon as I get another job, we won't be friends anymore though, so the problem will be over.

omg, i want another job.

 

[Chocolate_Thunder]

You should e-mail him a link to this thread, that way he will know what a dumb a$$ he really is.

 

[chazk]

excellent advice.

when we've gone out to lunch in my car, he touches things too. like, he changes the direction of the vents (that's okay), turns off my radio, opens the windows, takes the mail off my dashboard and puts it in my glovebox (i got PISSED when he did that, because I forgot to mail something important. I told him now not to touch anything in my car or i won't drive).

he does have boundary issues. He has a lot of issues, i know.
as soon as I get another job, we won't be friends anymore though, so the problem will be over.

omg, i want another job.

Why not help him ? bring healthy food for him when you can, talk about getting him into a gym and how important his health is.
just talk about diet and excersize chances are he will cave in and wan't help , or be annoyed and stop talking to you . Ether way you win.He will leave you alone or you get to help a person in need.

 

[stilleto]

Why not help him ? bring healthy food for him when you can, talk about getting him into a gym and how important his health is.
just talk about diet and excersize chances are he will cave in and wan't help , or be annoyed and stop talking to you . Ether way you win.He will leave you alone or you get to help a person in need.

I bring in healthy snacks for ME.
I'm not bringing him food.

I do talk about diet and health and exercise all the time. I showed him a great salad bar near our office and he's really into it, which is great. so now whenever he goes there (like today), he whines until I go with him, then wants to try my salad too, using his fork that has his own salad dressing still on it.

when i said that wasn't going to happen, he makes a face and cleans off his fork and says "can i try yours NOW?"

um. no.

 

[Raptorex]

He seems fun and I think he likes and is teasing you

 

[Bikini Mod]

You oughtta work in a fone room... LOL

How could you call this inconsiderate ass a "friend"? His weight has nothing to do with it. If he were in excellent shape and had the face of an Adonis would you be attracted?

I wouldn't.

 

[stilleto]

You oughtta work in a fone room... LOL

How could you call this inconsiderate ass a "friend"? His weight has nothing to do with it. If he were in excellent shape and had the face of an Adonis would you be attracted?

I wouldn't.

well, i don't care if my friends are attractive.
but, he's a friend of convenience. Like today- i didn't bring my lunch to work and don't really have any errands to run, other than picking up something to make for dinner.
he is going to this great salad bar/food market and keeps bugging me to go.

I've put off giving him an answer, but the truth is, i want a salad.

 

[jackangel]

i'd hold it against you if you were his friend. there's nothing conceivably worthwhile enough to offset that kind of behaviour. perhaps if he had saved my life, i would refrain from hitting him in the head with a baseball bat. for a week or so.

there's borderline or questionable behaviour, and then there's this guy. if you don't tell him to fuck off nicely, enjoy whatever disgusting crap you get from him. conflict or tension is never fun, but i'd rather set him straight than be abused by some abhorrent sloth beast because i'm too passive to do something definitive about it.

overreacted? if you shot him in the stomach, it wouldn't be overreacting.

 

[Bikini Mod]

well, i don't care if my friends are attractive.
but, he's a friend of convenience. Like today- i didn't bring my lunch to work and don't really have any errands to run, other than picking up something to make for dinner.
he is going to this great salad bar/food market and keeps bugging me to go.

I've put off giving him an answer, but the truth is, i want a salad.

I hear you. I could care less how people look. All I care about is who they are on the inside and I also get the whole "friend of convenience" thing. But honestly, I would have a REAL HARD time over-looking icky qualities like that. Come on, tell me the guy doesn't know that people get creeped out by his lack of manners.