women please help!

[the captain]

ok here's my story.
im 23 years old and have kept the same girlfriend for 3 years.
last year i came home from the navy to start my adult life. i thought i had seen and done enough and it was time to settle down.
she and i moved in together and got engaged(is that how you spell that?--i'm really not dumb, that word was never in my vocabulary before). anyway, i have had significant difficulties ajusting to the "routine" lifestyle with 1 woman.
about 6 months ago i came to the realization that i made a hasty decision in moving in together right away, alas i bottled it up and told myself that i'll get used to it over time.
when i mentioned to her that i am having problems adjusting, she imediately blamed herself and became very hostile to herself.--this is why i just kept holding it all in.
within the last 6 months i have found myself doing anything and everything to stay away from the house; i never want to take her out anymore, because my whole reason for going out is to spend sometime away from her. I NEED SOME SPACE!
she is the only woman i ever picture my self marrying and settling down with, just not right now; as i have some maturing to do.
of course, our time in the bedroom began to suffer too--(which just shouldn't happen for 2 people as young as we are, right?!),
i did the unforgiveable... i told myself i was going to have one little fling and get it out of my system, then 1 other girl turned into about 6.
now i spend about 4 nights a week with other people and the worst part is, i do not feel guilty anymore.
i know that if we just moved to seperate places, our relationship would pick up again, but she refuses to see that.
i do believe she will hurt herself if i tell her what i'm going through.
so what should i do?
i never saw myself as the type of guy i turned into, i was always the nice guy---i guess you can take the sailor away from the navy, but he's always gonna be a sailor at heart....
please help,
tc

 

[Sassy69]

That's a tuff one -- props to you for at least realizing the situation you are in and admitting to the messing around & how it doesn't fix anything. I'm really sorry for her that you went out and messed around because it sounds like she is hanging on to you and is going to take it as a breach of your mutual trust but also will probably take it as something she caused or is responsible for. Unfortunately - that borders on what the psychobabble people like to call codependence. Now you are caught trying to be true to yourself, truthful to yourself and respectful of her.

If you are engaged, it is reasonable that you consider a marriage counselor or some professional. I think you need to be honest with her and truthful in both your feelings about maybe not being ready yet, and her not being the cause of those feelings (e.g. so she thinks its her fault), but not so straight that it comes across as harsh. I would definitey seek some counseling or maybe some advice from your clergy, parents or otherwise. Nothing is accoplished by you avoiding the subject - both you and she will become resentful if you just let it fester unattended.

Good luck! But also remember that you are really young still and life has ALOT of time & new people & experiences to offer.

 

[velvett]

Ya'll really need to sit down and talk about your relationship and the future of it. It will have a worse outcome if you just wait for the bomb to drop, so suck it up and tell her you're just not ready to settle down.

You may just be surprised by her reaction.

 

[the captain]

OK,
we are scheduled to move on the first, i think i will have a talk with her about going alone. i just have to quit beating around the bush and tell her.
thanx ladies.
sincerely,
tc

 

[tripleV]

i wouldn't move in with her..you need your space alone for you to decide if she is the one and if you are ready for this commitment. Take some time to yourself to figure these things out. Otherwise, you may end up an unhappy camper like me b/c i did this 2 years ago and now im trying to get out

If you need to chat....email

 

[kitKat]

Okay this is simple....in the post you first wrote, just exchange her name in where you said I and your name in where you said her. No how do you feel?

No before you think I have an attitude....I don't really just trying to help you see it from the other side. ANYTIME, two people move in together or get married that have been single it takes time to adjust. You may have just not been ready to give up singlehood just yet. If she finds out and trust me at the rate you have been going she will then you will not have this problem of needing your space again. Just some tough love.....sorry hope you don't hate me.

 

[daised]

when people are in true relationships they use words lilke, us and we.

 

[Test boy]

That's a tuff one -- props to you for at least realizing the situation you are in and admitting to the messing around & how it doesn't fix anything. I'm really sorry for her that you went out and messed around because it sounds like she is hanging on to you and is going to take it as a breach of your mutual trust but also will probably take it as something she caused or is responsible for. Unfortunately - that borders on what the psychobabble people like to call codependence. Now you are caught trying to be true to yourself, truthful to yourself and respectful of her.

If you are engaged, it is reasonable that you consider a marriage counselor or some professional. I think you need to be honest with her and truthful in both your feelings about maybe not being ready yet, and her not being the cause of those feelings (e.g. so she thinks its her fault), but not so straight that it comes across as harsh. I would definitey seek some counseling or maybe some advice from your clergy, parents or otherwise. Nothing is accoplished by you avoiding the subject - both you and she will become resentful if you just let it fester unattended.

Good luck! But also remember that you are really young still and life has ALOT of time & new people & experiences to offer.

Sassy...you always seem so knowledgeable and reasonable. Your answers always seem to be right on target. Maybe we can meet someday.

 

[backinshape]

get out

you have to tell her ASAP... the same exact thing happened to me... sucked it up and kept it all in... even when my ex got physically and verbally abusive.. married him and got divorced last year.... i wasted 10 years of my life with this guy and i could have avoided it alltogether... if you need to chat let me know