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Who here got married young?
- Thread starter Stefka
- Start date
TC2 said:
Well, while I can not disagree with you...
My friendships with both males and females suffered and in some cases ceased to exist after they married. Because I wasn't married too I wasn't included in "couple" outings, parties, yahda yahda.
Except for my best gal pal that did everything she could while I was single and she recently married to not let me feel abandoned - if anyone because selfish with their time it was me not her.
While I am sad that her marriage will cease she has to either do it now or stay married for "the kids" and build up greater resentment for her husband for another 14-16 years. I saw her hubby recently and he doesn't know I know and honestly, my heart ached for him (and I've seen him many times when he was being a prick) because I know he really wants to be married, he wants the house, kids ands church on Sunday. Truth is - neither are to blame or both are - depends on how you choose to look at it. They both push each others buttons and they do it with the intent to hurt.
You don't actively look to hurt those you love or those you say you love.
It's not right - it's not love, when you're not on the same team.
Anyway.
I think with divorce there are no angels so it's futile to even begin to side with one sex over the other because until they have had what means the most to them threatened to be taken from them, no one couldn possibly predict what sort monster they could become.
HiDnGoD said:
Yeah, I was puttin it too much on the women. I was just thinking from a male perspective.
A fairer statement is to say, the vast majority of people are not marriage material. Thats why most relationships fail. They weren't cut out for marriage frm the get-go.
Not really surprizing when you consider marriage is a religious bond and morality has all but disappeared.
Longhorn85 said:Velvett, are you sure you're not a bad influence on your (formerly) married friends?
No not at all.
I'm not a party girl (never been really - a great party host but not a party girl) or a someone who needs the constant attention and sex from men to feel good about myself. I am extremely conservative despite the fact I have an open and wickedly dirty little mind, I'm pretty hung up on appropriate behavior.
I don't stick my nose in the laundry of others even if they ask me for my opinion I will only offer options but not which one to take (and I hope to receive the same towards me).
I may not be conventional in my choices or methods in life and at the risk of being egotistical, I am more respectable than most people.
Hell, I can't even reach and maintain my own expectations and I've made plenty of mistake to learn from.That said....
I'm spending my life with my best friend, who knows that when I'm snappy it's because I'm not feeling well, that when he's not feeling well that I'd hop in my car in the wee hours and drive 25 miles to the only store open 24 hours to get him what ever he needs to feel better, and when push comes to shove - no matter the circumstance I've got his back, even if he's wrong.
And it works because the respect goes both ways.
People seem to think that great sex and love is what makes a relationship last.
It's not, not even close.
Duh, great sex and love is merely to keep the population growing.
S
Spartacus
Guest
got married first at 33sfmonster said:
now 44 I'm waiting for the 4th quarter
there is no OT
blueta2
New member
Oceano said:
LOL...no offense taken. In the Truth or Lie thread I asked "Is is true I was a stripper" People were to guess truth or lie....It was a lie.
I'm a 40 yr old hard working schlep.
And what if I was a stripper.....this would pertain to my friends being divorced or unhappy? Explain!
blueta2
New member
crew9 said:
are you Longhorn's press secretary?.......let him speak for himself. He made the comment, not you!
And friends tend to have similiar patterns with divorce? I've never been married (hence not ever divorced) so how does that pertain to my friend's having all been married and divorced?!
How to you explain the friends I still have that are married?
You and Longhorn are talking through your ass and have NO CLUE what you're talking about.
Those who claim to be still married and happy are more than likey cheating or have cheated on your s/o. Not all, but believe me most of u are!
It's the way it is, it's not who your friends are!
blueta2
New member
Oceano said:
you're so cute how you analyze me......umm, no I chose never to get married. I was with some for 17 yrs and was thrilled I never got married.
I am happily in a great relationship now
My attitude stems from what I've seen in my 40 yrs. Re read this thread, few are married and ever fewer, happily. This is how it is. I'm a realist, more than I am negative
S
Spartacus
Guest
this thread is longer than many marriages
I believe that of those that do cheat, the cheating starts after the breakdown of the marriage, excepting the sluts, male or female.blueta2 said:
Painting with a broad brush here:
Women want stability, financial & emotional from their partner. If they're not getting it, particularly the emotional, they are more susceptable to cheating.
Men want friendship & sex with their partner. If their not getting it, they are more susceptable to cheating.
The take home point here is; If for any reason you are denying your partner what he or she needs, you need to ask yourself why, & work it out with them. If you don't provide it, someone else will be more than happy to step up to the plate.
Bikini Mod
New member
Blue - I dont think that Longhorne was trying to make a nasty comment. When I married (the first time) I was 22 years old, so all of my single friends and I (the same w/my ex's single friends) sort of fell by the wayside as we had less and less in common. When we were a young couple with young children we naturally gravitated towards other couples (regardless of their ages) also with children about the same age as ours. Once I separated and subsequently divorced, I went through a state of flux, since I wasn't really sure who I wanted to be I had a wide range of friends. Once I figured it all out I gravitated towards those who had similar ideologies and were at similar places in their lives.
I am a very social person BUT I have VERY FEW friends. Though there are many wonderful people in the world, it would seem that it is most rewarding relationship to interface with people who can relate to what it is that you are experiencing in life. My circumstances are VERY peculiar (and not every facet of that peculiarity is necessarily positive) so I feel that I must be very selective in who it is that I let into my life.
I am a very social person BUT I have VERY FEW friends. Though there are many wonderful people in the world, it would seem that it is most rewarding relationship to interface with people who can relate to what it is that you are experiencing in life. My circumstances are VERY peculiar (and not every facet of that peculiarity is necessarily positive) so I feel that I must be very selective in who it is that I let into my life.
blueta2
New member
Smurfy said:
well Oceana said woman are all about marriage and relationships. I agree, when a woman is younger. I've yet to meet anyone over 40 who is all about relationships and marriage. They've been there done that. That was the point I was making.
I'm sure there are some older women that may focus stricly on that, but I don't know one.
I was one month short of turning 19 and one month after getting married I got pregnant. Six months after getting married I realized I might have made a mistake. Eight years after getting married I realized I didn't much like the person I was married to -- we had always been different people, different values, morals, ethics, and we were growing even more drastically apart, and 13 years after getting married I finally got divorced.Stefka said:
I married because I was in love, and because I thought he was a man who would fulfill everything I could ever want and need in a husband/lover/partner. At almost 19 I had NO clue what the hell those things were, and didn't know how to differentiate between a guy who talked a good game and one who actually walked the walk, you might say.
A
alien amp pharm
Guest
calveless wonder said:
I think most everyone goes thru that phase where we are in love and see everyone around us getting married. Plus feel like we are getting old and so all that combined feels like marriage is the right thing to do. This seems to be around 21-25 years of age from what I've witnessed.
I was engaged once. Like you I am thankfull everyday it didn't work out. We fought too much and she was very selfish. Divorce would have been inevitable.
I got married at 23 and he was 25.
I'm 25 now and I'm planning kids around the age when I turn 30.
Was this a good choice? I dont know. Would I have been better off if I had waited? I dont know. I think the key to sucess in anything is to make a decision and stick with it. No matter what ; dont change your mind.
He's not perfect. Any other guy I meet wont be perfect either. I've learned that without having to get married.
But ; its early on in the game for me. Time will tell what happens to us.
I dont know why I got married so young besides the fact that it seemed for me the right time to make that kind of commitment after being in mostly long term relationships and realizing that no one is perfect ; I was ready to make that kind of commitment to him.
I never pressured him for a ring ; in fact I was totally suprised when he asked me to marry him ; I had never mentioned it. So I'm pretty confident he was ready to make the commitment to me too.
I'm the kind of girl that is the marrying kind. Conservative; one man kind of gal. I love him very much.
I'm 25 now and I'm planning kids around the age when I turn 30.
Was this a good choice? I dont know. Would I have been better off if I had waited? I dont know. I think the key to sucess in anything is to make a decision and stick with it. No matter what ; dont change your mind.
He's not perfect. Any other guy I meet wont be perfect either. I've learned that without having to get married.
But ; its early on in the game for me. Time will tell what happens to us.
I dont know why I got married so young besides the fact that it seemed for me the right time to make that kind of commitment after being in mostly long term relationships and realizing that no one is perfect ; I was ready to make that kind of commitment to him.
I never pressured him for a ring ; in fact I was totally suprised when he asked me to marry him ; I had never mentioned it. So I'm pretty confident he was ready to make the commitment to me too.
I'm the kind of girl that is the marrying kind. Conservative; one man kind of gal. I love him very much.
Longhorn85
New member
jestro said:
Sounds like you guys were doing great until you got hitched
Well, I think that's a little extreme.Oceano said:
What I would say ... first marriages have a tendency to be uh, well, practice runs
The trick is to avoid having kids and getting real estate. Honestly, best case scenario, your first marriage should be for love and passion, and you should REALIZE that it's probably going to fail, but it's going to teach you one incredibly valuable lesson: HOW to be married (and whether you really like it). Then when you get divorced, you've got a minimum of heartache and headache when you go your separate ways.
If you're smart and paid attention to the lessons taught to you by your first marriage you really will know when you've found the right person to settle down with the next time around.
feisty11975
New member
I got married a week after I turned 18. Lasted for a whole 11 years.
musclemom said:Well, I think that's a little extreme.
What I would say ... first marriages have a tendency to be uh, well, practice runs
The trick is to avoid having kids and getting real estate. Honestly, best case scenario, your first marriage should be for love and passion, and you should REALIZE that it's probably going to fail, but it's going to teach you one incredibly valuable lesson: HOW to be married (and whether you really like it). Then when you get divorced, you've got a minimum of heartache and headache when you go your separate ways.
If you're smart and paid attention to the lessons taught to you by your first marriage you really will know when you've found the right person to settle down with the next time around.
You've just completely devalued marriage.
I hope you also advise all the people to keep that theory to themselves when they are dating because I sure wouldnt get involved with a woman who thought like that. If you were a young single never married and got involved with the same would really take them seriously if they had that attitude? I think that having the attitude that your own marriage is expected to fail on the first try is a little extreme. If you have that attitude just move in together or date for a few years. Unless you want the divorce rate at 90% I would advise everyone to just fucking WAIT and have patience. Wait until you are around 30, then wait a couple years after you meet someone to decide about marriage. Dont run off in stupidass passion at age 19 and get married and not giving a damn if it succeeds or fails or not, because what the hell, it wasnt supposed to anyhow.musclemom said:Well, I think that's a little extreme.
What I would say ... first marriages have a tendency to be uh, well, practice runs
The trick is to avoid having kids and getting real estate. Honestly, best case scenario, your first marriage should be for love and passion, and you should REALIZE that it's probably going to fail, but it's going to teach you one incredibly valuable lesson: HOW to be married (and whether you really like it). Then when you get divorced, you've got a minimum of heartache and headache when you go your separate ways.
If you're smart and paid attention to the lessons taught to you by your first marriage you really will know when you've found the right person to settle down with the next time around.
I know. This thread is freaking me out!!! When I got married I did with the intent to stay with him and grow old with him.
But I dont know if I can say that we have a love that could somehow beat these kind of odds! I had never heard these statistics. I wonder why people are quick to throw in the towel? 90% of people under the age of 30 who get married ; will end in divorce. Thats pretty scary to me.
My parents and his parents are still married. We are both hoping to follow in their footsteps.
But I dont know if I can say that we have a love that could somehow beat these kind of odds! I had never heard these statistics. I wonder why people are quick to throw in the towel? 90% of people under the age of 30 who get married ; will end in divorce. Thats pretty scary to me.
My parents and his parents are still married. We are both hoping to follow in their footsteps.
Wait a minute, 99% of the guys I know run like a bat out of hell from a woman if she IS thinking about committments. Gods and men tell US we're fickle.superdave said:
Look, I think the social stigmata should just be removed from divorce. Marriage itself is an essentially antiquated concept.
You're NOT going to stop young, horny people from wanting to be together and making rash, forever into eternity pledges until they hit their late 20s and realize what a fool they walked down the aisle with. All you CAN really try to do is get them to put the brakes on buying a house and having kids.
The hard, cold fact is most marriages that take place before age 25 are doomed to failure. What's wrong with a dry run? Remove the stigmata, let it go. Assume it will fail, be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't.
And yes, I did give JUST this exact advise to my own SON who got married, at the ripe old age of 21, to a woman he'd been dating for a little over 3 months. If I told him NOT to get married, put my foot down and made a huge issue out of it, what's accomplished? My son and his wife are now alienated and they still get married. This way, if the marriage doesn't work out they know I'm not going to go AAARRRGGH you can't get divorced. Who gives a shit, it's just for bookkeeping anyway.
And honestly, even living together is NOT the same as being married (still can't figure this one out). You don't know how to be married until you've BEEN married.
feisty11975
New member
javaguru said:
Please do. Make this one a lil larger though.
musclemom said:
chewyxrage
New member
Smurfy said:
Yeah I've heard it used alot. Advertisements on the radio, etc. It's probably different being alot closer to Chicago than Samoth. The burbs are commonly called chicagoland
Well, I'm pretty sure I think I said in the FIRST paragraph that it's an antiquated conceptOceano said:You've just devalued marriage again
Edit: And your 3rd para is wrong, people are getting married later and later these dayz
I think that's about a devalued as you can get. I really don't give a shit one way or the other whether people marry or not, whether they divorce or not. Hell, I think gays should be able to marry just like straights and I think the dumbest law on earth is the one against BIGAMY.
Fuck it, let people do what they want in their private lives as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. Just stop making them FEEL badly. It doesn't hurt anyone if two lesbians get married, and it doesn't hurt anyone if I want two husbands. Who gives a shit? People are going to keep having kids, society will move forward, and maybe it would be a kinder, gentler society if we were a little accepting of people's differences instead of walking around with our little moral superiority complexes.
musclemom said:Well, I'm pretty sure I think I said in the FIRST paragraph that it's an antiquated concept
I really don't give a shit one way or the other whether people marry or not, whether they divorce or not. Hell, I think gays should be able to marry just like straights and I think the dumbest law on earth is the one against BIGAMY.
Fuck it, let people do what they want in their private lives as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. Just stop making them FEEL badly. It doesn't hurt anyone if two lesbians get married, and it doesn't hurt anyone if I want two husbands. Who gives a shit? People are going to keep having kids, society will move forward, and maybe it would be a kinder, gentler society if we were a little accepting of people's differences instead of walking around with our little moral superiority complexes.
You want to turn things back to Sodom and Gomorrah. Society suffers. real talk.
blueta2
New member
Oceano said:
MM is bang on! Experience makes one wise. She is wise
I would like to also add, when ppl are young and get married, what they fail to see is that we change so much (emotionally and spiritually) from our 20's to our 30's and even in our 40's. And many time couples don't change at the same level or speed.
My ex and I were together a long time. We were perfect for one another at 22, but in our 30's, our "beings" changed. It didn't mean we stopped loving one another, it meant we no longer grew together. Unions should be about growing with each other, once that stops (if it does), it's time to move on.
Like MM said, the first marriage or relationship should be like a trial run.
Both my b/f and I are in our 40's and we both know what we want. This relationship has a better chance than my former one!
bigmann245
New member
we were 22 and we had our ups and downs.... seems like more downs than ups but we are just over 10 years April 5th and it seems we started over. we are even planning on going to Vegas to renew our vows in November. still planning but looks good so far.
chewyxrage said:
I used to live in the Gurnee/Libertyville area and totally can't remember the term "Chicagoland" ever being used, lol. Maybe it's a Chicago thing. I don't recall Q101 using it, either (man, early 90's alternative was totally the peak for that music).
I dunno, I just chuckle evey time I hear that term, lol.
I think that this is what happens to most married couples that marry young..They do real well when they are younger, but as time goes on they change. Their level of maturity,respect,and appreciation change as they grow..And on most occasions they do not meet up, resulting in arguing and what not. Eventually ending in a bitter divorce.musclemom said:
People dont have to agree on everything, but hell when you are married you need to be a team player..Kind of like being in sports, it is not only 1 person who plays the game, but it is the team..Marriage is a team, and if you cannot see eye to eye with the mate that you so call love, then obviously it is not going to work. People change, and so do their values. And if you love your partner you will try to make it work, not just expect it to work out....Too many stubborn assholes who are not ready to grow up, yes both men and women..That is what makes marriage look so bad and the failure rate so high up there...
My grandmother got engaged at 13 years old, I know that is real damn young....Not sure what age she married though..My bumpa (grandpa) was the only man that she has ever been with, he passed away back over 10 years ago..Still to this day she values her marriage and her husband! Sure she has had male friends but nothing serious....Then you go ahead and you look at my parents..Married at 17(dad) and 18(mom)..3 kids later and about 14 years of pure hell they finally divorced..They had left each other atleast 4 times, fought constantly, and at the end barely even spoke..They never grew together as a couple, a team..My mom was selfish (still is) my dad was too immature..He was all about his parties and beer and lifestyle that he had never wanted to change...It ripped them apart...
It is sad to think that divorce rate in younger couples is so high, but it is due to people not giving a damn..They expect the marriage to work on its own.
I honestly think it does not matter what age that people marry, what matters is who it is that is getting married....Marriage is not some random fix, people really should sit and contemplate for a long time on the pros and cons, they need to ask themselves if they are ready to give up being 1 person to become 2 and they need to ask themselves if they are ready to give their all into a marriage..Because if not, they will FAIL.
bigmann245
New member
i took a course in college recently called "marriage and family". it was the best elective i ever took so far. i learned so much about the human mind and how we use it when we interact in situations like marriage.
Angel you are completely right. we all have a preconcieved notion on how marriage is "supposed" to be. we all believe in the "perfect" marriage but there is no such thing. no matter who you are there will be disagreements in a marriage. it is how we handle those differences is what makes the marriage work or not.
llok at all those 50's tv shows with ward cleaver and such. they project the "perfect" marriage and family but it is so far off its not funny. you cant fix all problems in under 30 minutes like they do on the shows. nowadays it seems more tv sitcoms are showing the reallity of family and marriage but joke about it. in the end the problem is still solved on the show but when you click off that tv we start to think why cant we do that.
there is absolutely no secret to a good marriage. it is a combination of many different aspects and finding the right combination for your own situation.
most young people get married just to piss off mom and dad and to show the world they are "grown up". but behind closed doors the truth speaks and the honeymoon ends as fast as it started.
Angel you are completely right. we all have a preconcieved notion on how marriage is "supposed" to be. we all believe in the "perfect" marriage but there is no such thing. no matter who you are there will be disagreements in a marriage. it is how we handle those differences is what makes the marriage work or not.
llok at all those 50's tv shows with ward cleaver and such. they project the "perfect" marriage and family but it is so far off its not funny. you cant fix all problems in under 30 minutes like they do on the shows. nowadays it seems more tv sitcoms are showing the reallity of family and marriage but joke about it. in the end the problem is still solved on the show but when you click off that tv we start to think why cant we do that.
there is absolutely no secret to a good marriage. it is a combination of many different aspects and finding the right combination for your own situation.
most young people get married just to piss off mom and dad and to show the world they are "grown up". but behind closed doors the truth speaks and the honeymoon ends as fast as it started.
Well, how much smarter you are than the rest of us to never make foolish decisions based on passion. Goody-Goody for you.Oceano said:
Tell ya a little secret, ya big dummy, the only way you learn, the only way you grow, the only way you develop empathy, is to make mistakes. I've made a LOT, A WHOLE LOT of mistakes in my life. I've learned from them and my mistakes have contributed to making me the person I am today, and I like me.
So go live your safe, well planned, logical life, feel superior from the rest of us silly asses, and never learn shit, in particularly, you will never learn compassion and empathy for only by experiencing something do you ever truly understand what the experience is all about, and that is the truth.
WTF does SMH mean, anyway?
You're really an insufferable know it all, aren't you?Oceano said:
Who cares what anybody does? What this person or that person does in their home doesn't affect society. Faggots and dykes are in the workforce, voting, providing medical care, and business needs and teaching your children, and WHO GIVES A SHIT!?! The only difference would be that they would be able to share in the benefits, in terms of taxes/insurance, that straights have, maybe it would make it easier for them to adopt, and if one or the other of them is in the hospital their "husband" or "wife" would be able able to visit them, which right now can be blocked. People who haven't had contact with their family for 20+ years, who have been shunned, have died separated from the person they spent those past 20 years with because the family saw it as a nice way to get back at that gay son or daughter.
It's none of your damn business, who gives a shit?!
I'll tell you one thing, I'd rather hang with gays and have my kids around gays any day of the week, than be around fucking judgemental sanctimonious straights and that's the truth.
bigmann245
New member
musclemom said:
preach it girl
I met my wife when she was 15. She was 2 weeks out of high school, 18 yrs old, when we got married. I was 20. We'd probably been physically together for 1 yr, since I was in the army for 2 yrs. We really didn't know each other that well. One of the army wives told her, at our first party, that she could expect a beating when we got home, 'cause I was wasted. She didn't even know better than to not believe her. I was hurt that she would think that of me. Babes ih the woods. But we never even considered separating. Just wasn't an option.cindylou said:
musclemom said:
I agree with all of this. Except I think there is something special about marriage. It's a commitment between 2 people that they announce to their community. Not like 2 people just shacking up. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
ok youre a nice woman but I cant debate with someone who views things through this sort of prism. No harm no foul though.musclemom said:Well, I'm pretty sure I think I said in the FIRST paragraph that it's an antiquated concept
I really don't give a shit one way or the other whether people marry or not, whether they divorce or not. Hell, I think gays should be able to marry just like straights and I think the dumbest law on earth is the one against BIGAMY.
Fuck it, let people do what they want in their private lives as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. Just stop making them FEEL badly. It doesn't hurt anyone if two lesbians get married, and it doesn't hurt anyone if I want two husbands. Who gives a shit? People are going to keep having kids, society will move forward, and maybe it would be a kinder, gentler society if we were a little accepting of people's differences instead of walking around with our little moral superiority complexes.
What's to debate? My view is, to each his own, and who the hell am I to judge how another lives their life? If they're happy, bless them.superdave said:
Besides, I'm not wild about debating with a hypocrite
I can't think of anything more hypocritical than someone who's willing to commit fraud to qualify for a drug study just for something as common as money So not only do you think you are above the rules, but you feel you have the right to judge how others live? Wow. You really need to look at yourself before you start casting disparagement on others, Dave. Who sleeps with whom is a non-issue in the whole scheme of things. But in the end we will ALL answer ONE simple question, "Did you do the best you could?" The question is NEVER going to be "Did you judge other people against your own personal yardstick and tell them they were fucking up if they weren't doing what YOU felt was right?" and I don't care WHAT religious philosophy you follow.
P
Phaded
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23?
Rabid_Goose
New member
Met her at 19, engaged her at 20, married at 21.
Coming up on June 11th, my wife and I will have our 2nd Year of Marriage complete. After the second time I met her we were staying up till 6am watching Threes Company, and everytime she came down to visit her soon-to-be-roomate and set up her room, I was there. I think, ever since we have started dating, we have maybe had a total of 3 weeks apart ever since we became a couple, and that is stretching it.
Why'd I do it? Because I knew what I wanted, and who I wanted. I have a problem with people in general, I can't stand to talk to most people for an hour or so at a time because they grow boring, or their ignorance spews out. My best friend, I talk to him a day or two out of every few months, my wife is the only person I can stand to see, and talk to everyday.
I don't think any other woman on this planet is more fit for me to raise kids together. And when I'm so old I start pissing my pants, she will be there to laugh about it with me and tell me about the times she has pissed her pants.
Coming up on June 11th, my wife and I will have our 2nd Year of Marriage complete. After the second time I met her we were staying up till 6am watching Threes Company, and everytime she came down to visit her soon-to-be-roomate and set up her room, I was there. I think, ever since we have started dating, we have maybe had a total of 3 weeks apart ever since we became a couple, and that is stretching it.
Why'd I do it? Because I knew what I wanted, and who I wanted. I have a problem with people in general, I can't stand to talk to most people for an hour or so at a time because they grow boring, or their ignorance spews out. My best friend, I talk to him a day or two out of every few months, my wife is the only person I can stand to see, and talk to everyday.
I don't think any other woman on this planet is more fit for me to raise kids together. And when I'm so old I start pissing my pants, she will be there to laugh about it with me and tell me about the times she has pissed her pants.
Longhorn85
New member
Angel said:
That was an excellent post angel, but I would rephrase that one part:
People that get married need to give up being 2 seperate people, and become 1 single entity.
For those who are interested in what the Bible says:
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. - Gen 2:24
Surely going into marriage expecting to fail will atleast double the chance it will fail =/musclemom said:Well, I think that's a little extreme.
What I would say ... first marriages have a tendency to be uh, well, practice runs
The trick is to avoid having kids and getting real estate. Honestly, best case scenario, your first marriage should be for love and passion, and you should REALIZE that it's probably going to fail, but it's going to teach you one incredibly valuable lesson: HOW to be married (and whether you really like it). Then when you get divorced, you've got a minimum of heartache and headache when you go your separate ways.
If you're smart and paid attention to the lessons taught to you by your first marriage you really will know when you've found the right person to settle down with the next time around.
Style said:
I didn't word that right and I confessed it ... I don't mean to go into it expecting it to fail, but what I'm trying to say is that people NEED to realize that you ARE NOTthe same person when you are 18 to 25 that you WILL BECOMEwhen you hit your 30s.
Humans psychologically (and even physiologically) change dramatically from 18 to 30, it's virtually par with the changes we make going from say 10 to 18. To expect to stay with the same mate is a very difficult proposition. To doggedly STAY in a marriage, with someone you don't like very much because you have virtually NOTHING in common with them anymore, IMO that's a prison sentence.
It was different when it was a more agriculturally based society and living to 40 was being an old person. In a way the concept of arranged marriage is MUCH more practical for that scenario, and certainly marrying young is very practical. The people enter into the marriage NOT knowing shit about each other, but that's okay because the entire purpose of getting married is to combine wealth (in land/animals) and produce offspring to safeguard that wealth. Not knowing each other, you can grow to get to know each other, or at least develop mutual respect. You entered the relationship KNOWING it was essentially a business contract, and there was a good chance one of you might be dead in about 20 years or so.
And culture was different, we were more village based, we didn't live in these isolated, nuclear families. We had extended friends and families RIGHT there. So if your husband bored you to tears, or your wife's mouth drove you nuts, you had other relationships you could go spend time with when the day's work was done and that was okay, your wife had the other women, her mother and aunts and grandmother and the village women to hang with, the kids were all playing with the other village kids, and the men did their thing.
Now we have a totally different society, and in today's industrial societies people are pretty well guaranteed to live to be 75 or so, and healthfully, but we've retained this ancient concept of one mate for what is now a damn LONG life, yet we're still mating young, without the extended family or village to spread any of the tension. Our modern relationships are actually MORE cerebral than ever, certainly we spend more focused time together as couples, but we've retained this ancient concept of how a relationship should work and I just don't think the institution as it exists, in this day and age, is reasonable.
You don't see this until you're on the OTHER side of it though. When you're 22 and in love you cannot believe that this person you're joyfully racing down the aisle with is going to be someone you're going to look at 10 years down the road and go "Jesus what the fuck did I ever see in you?!" But it happens.
bigmann245
New member
musclemom said:
I didn't word that right and I confessed it ... I don't mean to go into it expecting it to fail, but what I'm trying to say is that people NEED to realize that you ARE NOTthe same person when you are 18 to 25 that you WILL BECOMEwhen you hit your 30s.
Humans psychologically (and even physiologically) change dramatically from 18 to 30, it's virtually par with the changes we make going from say 10 to 18. To expect to stay with the same mate is a very difficult proposition. To doggedly STAY in a marriage, with someone you don't like very much because you have virtually NOTHING in common with them anymore, IMO that's a prison sentence.
It was different when it was a more agriculturally based society and living to 40 was being an old person. In a way the concept of arranged marriage is MUCH more practical for that scenario, and certainly marrying young is very practical. The people enter into the marriage NOT knowing shit about each other, but that's okay because the entire purpose of getting married is to combine wealth (in land/animals) and produce offspring to safeguard that wealth. Not knowing each other, you can grow to get to know each other, or at least develop mutual respect. You entered the relationship KNOWING it was essentially a business contract, and there was a good chance one of you might be dead in about 20 years or so.
And culture was different, we were more village based, we didn't live in these isolated, nuclear families. We had extended friends and families RIGHT there. So if your husband bored you to tears, or your wife's mouth drove you nuts, you had other relationships you could go spend time with when the day's work was done and that was okay, your wife had the other women, her mother and aunts and grandmother and the village women to hang with, the kids were all playing with the other village kids, and the men did their thing.
Now we have a totally different society, and in today's industrial societies people are pretty well guaranteed to live to be 75 or so, and healthfully, but we've retained this ancient concept of one mate for what is now a damn LONG life, yet we're still mating young, without the extended family or village to spread any of the tension. Our modern relationships are actually MORE cerebral than ever, certainly we spend more focused time together as couples, but we've retained this ancient concept of how a relationship should work and I just don't think the institution as it exists, in this day and age, is reasonable.
You don't see this until you're on the OTHER side of it though. When you're 22 and in love you cannot believe that this person you're joyfully racing down the aisle with is going to be someone you're going to look at 10 years down the road and go "Jesus what the fuck did I ever see in you?!" But it happens.
unfortunately you are right. the Marriage and family course i took in college opened my eyes to marriage and the interaction and changes that we go through. to tell you the truth had i taken that course BEFORE i got married i would not have gotten married at 22. although we are still together we came a court hearing away from getting divorced last year and we are now 32. NOW we find that we are who we will be for the most part for the rest of our lives. we both know where we want to be and we are finally on the same page. it took a ton of work and many many fights and arguments but because we had a strong belief in marriage that and our son were the only things that kept us together. we arent perfect by far there is still a lot of work to do but i feel we on the right path together.
That sums it up, right there.bigmann245 said:
I'm not saying it's impossible to surmount the situation, but it takes W-O-R-K major, major work. And ONE person cannot do it alone. If you both work towards it, and you're both willing to be honest and cooperate, it's not an impossible task. But it takes both people working at it, and often what happens is you've got one person who is investing more energy into it, sooner or later resentment bubbles over and then it's like some big surprise to the other person ...
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