too lazy to dump

[HappyScrappy]

I'm sitting here and I really need to go paint the toilet. But I'm just too lazy. I mean, to do that, I'd have to stand up (ugh), then make my way down the hall and probably even smile at people as they wander around doing whatever it is they do.
Then I have to push the door open that goes into the bathroom (ugh) and again for the motherfucking stall. Fuckin A.
Then I have to get totally naked and hang my clothes over the stall door. After that, I have to take toilet paper and make a little turban to wear and also hang streamers over the walls so I have some coverage while I let go of the massive load that is pressing against the walls of my colon as I type this.
Then, after the huge explosion of bile and waste evacuates my bowels, I have to stand up on the toilet seat and floss with streamer after streamer of toilet paper, mentally noting if I should continue or not with my floss dance.
And say I have to lay a bit more cable because it turns out I wasn't really done - then I also gotta take out a pen and carve racist remarks (DAMN JEWS) and sexist (BITCHES AIN'T SHIT) comments into the wall of the stall, and slowly etch out that hole into the next stall - someday I will get through.
Not to mention after fucking finishing all that, I gotta get dressed again and flush the bastard a few times.
Then the door and all that shit.

And hell - I know some of you are going to say that I forgot to wash my hands, but fuck it, I'm lazy.

 

[Citruscide]

One word.

Depends...

Then you can go poo on YOUR schedule, not your body's! You can get up when you want to... take off the depends and dispose... of course, you'll need to clean the area... or just slap on another depends...

C

 

[Testosterone boy]

The new eyes are cool.

The new body sucks.

 

[HappyScrappy]

TB - you are just jealous of my guns. Admit it - you want 10" pythons like these bad boys.

Anyways - I just got back. It pisses me off that after laying burning hot cable like that I gotta walk back to my cube with my coworkers faces spread with the shock and horror of hearing someone screaming in agony for 15 straight minutes while clawing at the walls in hopes of diminishing the searing hot pain of his insides tearing out into the toilet.
It's just embarrassing really.

 

[HG Pennypacker]

Then I have to get totally naked and hang my clothes over the stall door.

LOL

I'm too lazy to look for the proper smiley, so I know where you're coming from.

 

[MFMan]

when i used to sleep in the car all day and i had to take a dump i would usually keep on hand plenty of paper towels so when i was in the middle of the parking lot and the bathrooms were to far i would just scoot my ass at the very end of the car seat, place the paper towels on the floor, and let er rip. the problem was what to do with the paper towels when i was done. usually i would throw it out the window and let the crows have at it.

 

[MFMan]

when i used to sleep in the car all day and i had to take a dump i would usually keep on hand plenty of paper towels so when i was in the middle of the parking lot and the bathrooms were to far i would just scoot my ass at the very end of the car seat, place the paper towels on the floor, and let er rip. the problem was what to do with the paper towels when i was done. usually i would throw it out the window and let the crows have at it.

 

[the nature boy]

i wish we lived in a world where it was socially acceptable to crap in ones pants. it would be cool to walk around at work with a big steaming load of fecal matter in my pants and have women actually view this as a sign of virility.

"Hey look at the size of that BM in the nature boy's pants. I want him so bad."

This is pretty much what Lyndon Johnson envisioned when he came up with his Great Society program. Because in a truly great society one should be able to deficate ones self and be the envy of all others. To bad LBJ got distracted with his social programs.

 

[HappyScrappy]

You guys are sick.

I would never want to crap in my pants.

Seriously - not even someone else's pants. I'd totally crap in some bitches' shoes, but I draw the line at pants.

I mean, I don't want that stinky, gooey, filthy mess against my skin.
actually... that sounds familiar...

 

[the nature boy]

Seriously - not even someone else's pants. I'd totally crap in some bitches' shoes, but I draw the line at pants.

so you've moved from urinating on womens shoes to dumping on them? *speaks into tape recorder* his symptoms are getting worse.

 

[HG Pennypacker]

I crapped in my friends trombone once. That was something.

 

[Citruscide]

Invent the first self-cleaning diaper... it pulls the poo away from your skin in a poo-free safety pouch... for optimal storage.

C

 

[HappyScrappy]

I want a new system where I don't have to feel the crap at all. it builds up in my system, and then I can press a button and it just magically disappears from my gut, and reappears in some college dorm room in Kansas.

Whoever invents such a thing will be rich.

Rich I say. With money, love, and respect.

 

[the nature boy]

I crapped in my friends trombone once. That was something.

broly, that was funny as shit.... pardon the pun.

 

[slickdadd]

I remember very few memories of my early days, but one of them i cannot forget, is crapping my pants. I was seriously probably 1 or 2 years old (It's basically one of the only things i remember from back then) and i had just gone swimming in my tight whities. I got out of the pool, and without second guessing, proceeded to drop a huge fudge meteor right in my britches. It was a big'un and weighed down my underwear to the point that it would be visible to outsiders due to the hammock factor it was creating with my underwear. I remember admiring it, then carrying on about my 2 year old business until my mom was like "whoa, he has a full sized turd in his underwear" and took charge.

That's freedom.

 

[HappyScrappy]

while I was taking a dump today, I was trying to imagine what it would be like to be a feces flinging monkey.
I pictured myself crouching there on the toilet, naked, screeching, and just hurling shit all about the room.

sure it sounded fun - but monkeys can't drive.

 

[supersizeme]

this entire thread is a freaking riot. in sticking with the whole feces theme of the thread, i almost crapped my pants when i read "huge fudge meteor." that's a vision right there.

lemme go ahead and share my latest pants crapping story that i don't think i've divulged to the public yet. this was three years ago...hell maybe even two. i'm 27 by the way, so any shitting oneself within the last 20 years would still be absolutely ridiculous.
anyways i'm over at my buddy and his wife's house shooting pool out in his garage. it's my shot, so i'm bent over lining up a brilliant three rail bank and just to be a cocky bastard and also at the same time show my friend that i'm smooth with the ladies, i decide i'm gonna cut ass right as i make contact with the cue ball. well it works, i ripped one that is still to this day echoing somewhere off the shores of the Ivory Coast. but i knew right away something was wrong. i mean really wrong. i went into a mild state of shock, and buddy was still cracking up from the amazing feat i had accomplished. i missed the shot by the way. anyways once he regains his composure...he's all "holy christ did you just shit yourself?" i kind of give him this nervous like "heheh...nah." then inside i'm thinking "oh my god...did i?"
eventually after what seemed like 40 years, the game finally ended and i was like "ok i'm gonna go take a piss real quick." so i scurry off into the bathroom to check out the sitaution currently abreast in my pants. i pulled down my pants to check for signs of dumpage, and there are none. what a fucking relief i felt at this point. so i'm standing there in front of the toilet and proceed to spill urine into the toilet like i had planned anyways. well right in midstream i decided that we are "GO for passing of the gas" once again. as this one came out, i was not so fortunate as i was earlier. i saw my life pass before my eyes as my bowels emptied neatly my boxers and jeans which were down at about mid-knee.
Panic.
at this point, i immediately sat down on the toilet and had a heart attack. i knew there was no way this was going to go smoothly. there was crap on the floor, crap in my pants, and crap on my legs. i briefly though about suicide by drowning myself via swirlie'ing in the toilet, but there was already poop in there, so no way. i ended up cleaning all the mud slurpee out my boxers and jeans with some toilet paper and did the best i could. this whole process took about 10 minutes, and my buddy and his wife were in the next room watching tv and no doubt thinking to themselves that, "wow ssme has been in the bathroom quite a while. he's definitely releasing some poop." so i knew that was a bust. i finally emerged with crap all over myself and the inside of my jeans and boxers, but i was the only one who really knew what happened. i gave them the, "alright y'all i'm tired and gonna head home for the night. and please don't hug me." spiel, and did my best to avoid walking all stiff to the door, although i don't think anyone bought it. i ended up driving home in my crap caked pants and it was probably the worst experience i have been though recently. my buddy and i have never spoken of this before.

 

[HG Pennypacker]

this entire thread is a freaking riot. in sticking with the whole feces theme of the thread, i almost crapped my pants when i read "huge fudge meteor." that's a vision right there.

lemme go ahead and share my latest pants crapping story that i don't think i've divulged to the public yet. this was three years ago...hell maybe even two. i'm 27 by the way, so any shitting oneself within the last 20 years would still be absolutely ridiculous.
anyways i'm over at my buddy and his wife's house shooting pool out in his garage. it's my shot, so i'm bent over lining up a brilliant three rail bank and just to be a cocky bastard and also at the same time show my friend that i'm smooth with the ladies, i decide i'm gonna cut ass right as i make contact with the cue ball. well it works, i ripped one that is still to this day echoing somewhere off the shores of the Ivory Coast. but i knew right away something was wrong. i mean really wrong. i went into a mild state of shock, and buddy was still cracking up from the amazing feat i had accomplished. i missed the shot by the way. anyways once he regains his composure...he's all "holy christ did you just shit yourself?" i kind of give him this nervous like "heheh...nah." then inside i'm thinking "oh my god...did i?"
eventually after what seemed like 40 years, the game finally ended and i was like "ok i'm gonna go take a piss real quick." so i scurry off into the bathroom to check out the sitaution currently abreast in my pants. i pulled down my pants to check for signs of dumpage, and there are none. what a fucking relief i felt at this point. so i'm standing there in front of the toilet and proceed to spill urine into the toilet like i had planned anyways. well right in midstream i decided that we are "GO for passing of the gas" once again. as this one came out, i was not so fortunate as i was earlier. i saw my life pass before my eyes as my bowels emptied neatly my boxers and jeans which were down at about mid-knee.
Panic.
at this point, i immediately sat down on the toilet and had a heart attack. i knew there was no way this was going to go smoothly. there was crap on the floor, crap in my pants, and crap on my legs. i briefly though about suicide by drowning myself via swirlie'ing in the toilet, but there was already poop in there, so no way. i ended up cleaning all the mud slurpee out my boxers and jeans with some toilet paper and did the best i could. this whole process took about 10 minutes, and my buddy and his wife were in the next room watching tv and no doubt thinking to themselves that, "wow ssme has been in the bathroom quite a while. he's definitely releasing some poop." so i knew that was a bust. i finally emerged with crap all over myself and the inside of my jeans and boxers, but i was the only one who really knew what happened. i gave them the, "alright y'all i'm tired and gonna head home for the night. and please don't hug me." spiel, and did my best to avoid walking all stiff to the door, although i don't think anyone bought it. i ended up driving home in my crap caked pants and it was probably the worst experience i have been though recently. my buddy and i have never spoken of this before.

I did the same thing once, but there was no crap, there was no pool table and I don't have any friends.

 

[dawookie]

That last one was booty-ful..

had me laughing so that the desk was shaking and the Ricky Williams bobblehead doll (really looks like James brown with a football) was laughing along with me.

 

[HappyScrappy]

man, I've crapped myself so many time... where to start.

I've posted about all this before, but here are a few.

1) I was working in a law firm after high school, but the summer before college. I was dressed nicely and in the library of this firm, working on their computer network. I'm not sure if I was just sitting in some resonant frequency zone, or if I ate something bad, but I had this bad gas. So I farted, and I was like "you know, sometimes when I fart, it makes everything feel all wet, and like stuff is running down my leg - but I know it isn't because it was just a fart."
But then I was like, damn, smells like shit in this place. So I walked into the bathroom and pulled down my drawers and sure enough, I had liquid shit all over me. While to some of you, this might sound like some sort of ideal dream land, to me, this sucked.
I thought back to when I worked at a lumber yard in high school and hearing my boss, who was hungover say "hand me the boxcutters" and then head off to the bathroom. I learned from then on that a "boxcutter fart" was when you think you are gonna fart, and instead shit your pants full of awet smelly mess.
So anyway, fortunately I had a pen with me, so I used that to tear up my boxers and sort of cut them off of me. Then I sopped up all the shit with those and some paper and then tried to flush it all, but it wouldn't go. So I had to pull the boxers out and stand there, my pants around my ankles, covered in smeared shit remnants. I could hear lawyers walking in and out - and this is a NICE bathroom - so I couldn't exactly walk out and be like, "hey guys, don't mind me, just gonna plop my feces covered ass and legs into this sink here and wash up - and Phil, could you toss my shit stained boxsers here? oh no worries, they were cleaned a little in the toilet!"
Finally people all left and I threw out my boxers and just sort of raced home and was the smelly guy on the Metro at that time.
I got home and changed and then raced back, only to find that my chair smelled of shit and was still wet - so I had to hide that in a supply closet and find another one and then act like I always had that chair.

good times.

there are more that I will get up in a second.

 

[HappyScrappy]

2) I used to be a long distance runner. There are many things that running does for you - for one, it is nature's laxitive. I can recall running back from a 7miler in high school and right at the end thinking, fuck I gotta fart, but I think this one might be a dumper. Well, eventually it got the better of me, and I farted, and I was positive it was a dumper. I tried to feel my ass and legs as descretely as one can do such a thing on the side of the road while running at a 5:30 pace. I didn't feel anything messy, so I continued on my way, although pretty sure there was something wrong in my shorts - and not just the length of my penis.
I finally got back to the school and sort of did the "hey, yeah, great run, just gonna... yeah, keep running into the locker room - hey ladies, and bathroom door..."
I yanked down my shorts expecting a nightmare, and there was... nothing.
hot damn, that was sweet. So I figured just for good measure I'd wipe up just to make sure.
And BAM! this perfectly round, smooth ball falls from my ass - about the size of a golf ball and splashes down into the toilet with a kerplunk!
I was pretty amazed. apparently if you crap in your pants and then keep running, your butt cheeks will roll it into a ball like a 1st grader with play doh.

 

[supersizeme]

YES!!! the ball!!! i've had the ball before, but it was when i was a lot younger. i don't think i was running cross country because i was probably like 5 or 6 years old. but i did crap my pants and out came the kerplunking ball. i don't know if it was because i was just young and maybe nowadays i would probably feel differently, but when i first saw the ball i wanted to play with it. i'm hoping the maturing process that one goes through as a human being would make me think otherwise should it happen to me again.
these stories are great. and here i was thinking i was gonna be short on thanksgiving dinner conversation this year.

 

[HappyScrappy]

3) When I used to get drunk a lot, I would routinely do several things. One would be to tell people that I just shit my pants. And the other was to loudly announce that I was small and flaccid. Occasionally after one party where I switched pants with a guy and was really impressed with how wrinkle free they were, I would loudly tell people that I was wrinkle free... even years later. They were nearly always impressed.
The shitting my pants never rang true while drunk, but I did piss myself after passing out many a time.
But... there was this one time. It was before my senior year. I was on campus of my college for the summer. I was living with friends and we drank a lot that summer. My dad came up to visit and show off his new car, and just see myself and my friends. He took us all out for bottomless pitchers of Guinness at a local pub. Well, we all took well to that, and eventually somehow scotch got in there too. I know that I had at least 4 pitchers of Guinness and chugged one just to prove some sort of drunken point. I think at one point I was just reaching over the bar and chugging liquor straight from the containers. Fortunately they knew us pretty well there. Eventually we headed home where we all took turns pissing on cars and puking on things.
I remembered getting locked out on a back balcony while puking over the railing down to the ground two stories below, which I found a fascinating decent to watch since I had the remote detachment of a drunken stupor that removed me from any of the normal discomfort one feels when vomiting so hard that they pull ab muscles and get bloodshot eyes.
I was sent to bed and was given a trash can next to my bed.
I can recall closing my eyes and falling asleep... or passing out - whatever.
Then the next thing I recall is that I'm standing in the shower, with my boxers on, the water running over me in a pleasantly warm river over my drunken state. And I'm pissing and shitting myself.
I'm pretty sure I woke up and was like "hey self, I have to piss and shit, let's go to the bathroom since that is where we do that" and that was where I went - but then once I went through the door, I was like "hmmm, wonder why I came here... let's see... bathroom... shower... ahhh, I think I'll take a shower" and then just basic bodily need took over and that was when the crapping started.
The door to that bathroom didn't have a knob on it - it was just a swinging door. I was worried someone was going to walk in on my shit covered self, so I tried to block it with a wedge.
Then I sort of sobered up and just started trying to wash out my boxers and alternate picking up shit and flining it in the toilet, and cramming it down the drain.
It was truly revolting at first, but then I just sort of zoned out and it was all processed food to me.
Eventually I finished my "shower" and then headed back to my room, dripping wet and naked due to the lack of planning ahead with a towel.
My dad as a fun present the next day decided that we'd go to a big Sunday brunch, and I was so hung over that I could smell the old people at the brunch. My sense of smell is overly sensitive as it is, and hung over it is even worse.
It was all I could do not to puke - but I tried desperately to hide it, as if I could somehow do that and deny the events of the night gone by.

 

[HappyScrappy]

YES!!! the ball!!! i've had the ball before, but it was when i was a lot younger. i don't think i was running cross country because i was probably like 5 or 6 years old. but i did crap my pants and out came the kerplunking ball. i don't know if it was because i was just young and maybe nowadays i would probably feel differently, but when i first saw the ball i wanted to play with it. i'm hoping the maturing process that one goes through as a human being would make me think otherwise should it happen to me again.
these stories are great. and here i was thinking i was gonna be short on thanksgiving dinner conversation this year.

actually - even as a 17 year old in high school - I was sort of intrigued by it and kind of wanted to know more about it - but not sure "play" with it was the right term.
looking back on it, I guess I was just too shaken, or perhaps too relieved to think of throwing it at someone and saying "don't worry, it's just fake"

 

[rickcorso]

shittiest thread ever

 

[slickdadd]

Sweet merciful crap, this thread is absolutely killing me. One of the only things that can make me truly laugh out loud over a computer is the discussion of the many aspects of poop and the different situations it entails.