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ATrollFromTheFatBoard
New member
"sells you out a few times"?? I have never heard this phrase.
I understand your situation because the same is true of my brother.
Well, perhaps SOME people do get motivated by being shamed by other people and feeling embarrassed. I wasn't one of them, and most of the NAAFA people aren't either. Especially if you have worked hard and failed, multiple times, the shame factor just pisses you off.
I wonder why your brother REALLY stopped working out. A lot of times the stock excuses are covers for some other, deeper reason. I used to say I did not have time, but the fact was that even when I was working really long hours on this shitty job I still took an hour to try to jog (til my knees swelled up and I had to quit). (This was after I had quit the first time and gained all this weight.) The deeper reason in my case was that I felt betrayed by all the well-meaning advice I had gotten over the years and by my body that wasn't doing what everyone else's (supposedly) was. I was very put out by the thought that I was going to have to expend even MORE time than I did originally, when I was fed up then already! I was very angry at how things had turned out, and that Someone or Something had given me a body that was so much harder than everyone else's to maintain. I felt that it wasn't fair, because I didn't do anything to deserve an indentured servitude just to be socially acceptable. Other people didn't have to do all this to stay slim, why me???
Also, I had been exposed to the myths "other" people believe about weights ... that it's masculine, you'll look ugly, etc.
I also didn't like being embarrassed about how little I was capable of doing in the gym and feeling like others were staring and laughing.
I didn't like how hard it was. I didn't like that about running either. I found that I just had to practice at it before it felt more tolerable, and I had to remind myself that this was only for an hour or so, and that I was highly unlikely to fall down dead on the floor at the gym! I found that I was so out of shape when I started that for a while I felt WORSE overall, not better. I was working out (inconsistently) for 4-5 weeks before I noticed, finally, that on the days I worked out, I might feel bleah while I was there, but for the rest of the day I had lots more energy and felt much better, was better able to get through the day more easily, and -- best of all -- my backaches went away!! But it took some time of sloggin' through something I HATED and had to get up early to do to get to this point.
My brother's issues are different. Basically, he doesn't have a very good life overall (not going into detail here) and can't find the motivation to do one more thing he hates when everything else in life is shitty enough already. *sigh* I suppose I could talk with him about this if we had the right sort of relationship, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable having this sort of conversation with my brother, and I doubt he'd feel comfortable having it with me.
My basic point is, your mom is right about laying off. If all you can say are negative, put-down kinds of remarks, you are putting the other person in the position of having to defend himself, and he won't/can't listen. Most people don't feel challenged by a put-down. All they hear is, "You're not good enough, you're not good enough, you're not good enough. You have to meet MY standards or I'm going to hate you/I won't love you/I reduce your entire being to one single issue: WEIGHT," and that makes people angry, and then they are in no mood to speak with you about the problem or follow any advice you have.
I am a veterinarian. In my profession there is a popular saying: People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Especially in families this is true. If you can approach the problem with a nonjudgemental attitude, just asking why the person quit, and if there was some other reason along with "not enough time," the person may feel safe enough to share other problems they may have had that you can actually help with. But they will not do this if they fear another bout of ridicule. So don't try this unless you can do it without yelling.
But sometimes you are right, and there ARE some lazy-asses out there. My mother is trying my patience right now with a life problem she refuses to do anything constructive to change (no, it isn't weight but trust me it is MORE annoying!) and I am having to decide how I am going to respond to that. Because gritting my teeth over it all the time is just going to land me an expensive visit to the dentist!!!
I am reading about that sort of thing now, because it is a significant problem in my life. One of my favorite passages about this sort of thing comes from "Remembering Wholeness" by Carol Tuttle. She is a (don't laugh) rapid-eye technician, a sort of spiritual therapist.
Sue is one of the few clients I have worked with over the years who did not get as far along in her process as I had hoped. I am reminded when this occurs that it is not my job to heal people or be responsible for waking them up to the truth that resides within them. Ultimately it is each individual's choice.
(And NO, I'm not contradicting myself here. Just because people are responsible for themselves doesn't mean we should be as mean and hateful as we can be, and society should make it as hard for them to change as it possibly can. Other people's bad behavior is no excuse for our own!!!)
I know that once they have chosen to allow the solutions to their life's challenges to be awakened within themsleves, I can assist them to do it with more grace and ease. When I meet someone who is not ready to make that choice, I can create a feeling of peace by telling myself, "... God loves all of us. I choose to see this person lovingly and accept that they still need more of their current experience." I turn them over to God and notice that I want to attract people who are ready to heal and not just looking for sympathy or relief.
I understand your situation because the same is true of my brother.
Well, perhaps SOME people do get motivated by being shamed by other people and feeling embarrassed. I wasn't one of them, and most of the NAAFA people aren't either. Especially if you have worked hard and failed, multiple times, the shame factor just pisses you off.
I wonder why your brother REALLY stopped working out. A lot of times the stock excuses are covers for some other, deeper reason. I used to say I did not have time, but the fact was that even when I was working really long hours on this shitty job I still took an hour to try to jog (til my knees swelled up and I had to quit). (This was after I had quit the first time and gained all this weight.) The deeper reason in my case was that I felt betrayed by all the well-meaning advice I had gotten over the years and by my body that wasn't doing what everyone else's (supposedly) was. I was very put out by the thought that I was going to have to expend even MORE time than I did originally, when I was fed up then already! I was very angry at how things had turned out, and that Someone or Something had given me a body that was so much harder than everyone else's to maintain. I felt that it wasn't fair, because I didn't do anything to deserve an indentured servitude just to be socially acceptable. Other people didn't have to do all this to stay slim, why me???
Also, I had been exposed to the myths "other" people believe about weights ... that it's masculine, you'll look ugly, etc.
I also didn't like being embarrassed about how little I was capable of doing in the gym and feeling like others were staring and laughing.
I didn't like how hard it was. I didn't like that about running either. I found that I just had to practice at it before it felt more tolerable, and I had to remind myself that this was only for an hour or so, and that I was highly unlikely to fall down dead on the floor at the gym! I found that I was so out of shape when I started that for a while I felt WORSE overall, not better. I was working out (inconsistently) for 4-5 weeks before I noticed, finally, that on the days I worked out, I might feel bleah while I was there, but for the rest of the day I had lots more energy and felt much better, was better able to get through the day more easily, and -- best of all -- my backaches went away!! But it took some time of sloggin' through something I HATED and had to get up early to do to get to this point.
My brother's issues are different. Basically, he doesn't have a very good life overall (not going into detail here) and can't find the motivation to do one more thing he hates when everything else in life is shitty enough already. *sigh* I suppose I could talk with him about this if we had the right sort of relationship, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable having this sort of conversation with my brother, and I doubt he'd feel comfortable having it with me.
My basic point is, your mom is right about laying off. If all you can say are negative, put-down kinds of remarks, you are putting the other person in the position of having to defend himself, and he won't/can't listen. Most people don't feel challenged by a put-down. All they hear is, "You're not good enough, you're not good enough, you're not good enough. You have to meet MY standards or I'm going to hate you/I won't love you/I reduce your entire being to one single issue: WEIGHT," and that makes people angry, and then they are in no mood to speak with you about the problem or follow any advice you have.
I am a veterinarian. In my profession there is a popular saying: People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Especially in families this is true. If you can approach the problem with a nonjudgemental attitude, just asking why the person quit, and if there was some other reason along with "not enough time," the person may feel safe enough to share other problems they may have had that you can actually help with. But they will not do this if they fear another bout of ridicule. So don't try this unless you can do it without yelling.
But sometimes you are right, and there ARE some lazy-asses out there. My mother is trying my patience right now with a life problem she refuses to do anything constructive to change (no, it isn't weight but trust me it is MORE annoying!) and I am having to decide how I am going to respond to that. Because gritting my teeth over it all the time is just going to land me an expensive visit to the dentist!!!
I am reading about that sort of thing now, because it is a significant problem in my life. One of my favorite passages about this sort of thing comes from "Remembering Wholeness" by Carol Tuttle. She is a (don't laugh) rapid-eye technician, a sort of spiritual therapist.
Sue is one of the few clients I have worked with over the years who did not get as far along in her process as I had hoped. I am reminded when this occurs that it is not my job to heal people or be responsible for waking them up to the truth that resides within them. Ultimately it is each individual's choice.
(And NO, I'm not contradicting myself here. Just because people are responsible for themselves doesn't mean we should be as mean and hateful as we can be, and society should make it as hard for them to change as it possibly can. Other people's bad behavior is no excuse for our own!!!)
I know that once they have chosen to allow the solutions to their life's challenges to be awakened within themsleves, I can assist them to do it with more grace and ease. When I meet someone who is not ready to make that choice, I can create a feeling of peace by telling myself, "... God loves all of us. I choose to see this person lovingly and accept that they still need more of their current experience." I turn them over to God and notice that I want to attract people who are ready to heal and not just looking for sympathy or relief.
