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relationship question

Lestat

Lestat

MVP
EF VIP
This is really no big deal, I've already talked it over with my GF, but just wanted to get some outside opinion.

So last night my GF was hanging out with her best friend. Her best friend lives in LA now and was just here for the day to see her family and so my girl and her had plans for dinner and to hang out.

She calls me and asks me if I want to see a movie with them, I said sure, and I met them there. I was going to stay the night at her place so why not come hang out earlier.

So we watch the movie, hang out for a bit, and her friend leaves to go back to LA. During the movie we held hands a little and we cuddly and what not, but she wasn't as affectionate as typical.

So that night she tells me that when she hangs out with a couple of her single female friends, this one in particular, she tries not to be too affectionate, or at least not too heave on the public display of affection. She said she feels bad because this girl has NEVER had a boyfriend, never had a healthy relationship, and she didn't want to throw anything in her face or make her feel bad, or uncomfortable, or like a third wheel.

So basically she was saying that when we hang out with her single friends, can we tone it down a bit? Now keep in mind, we are NOT all over each other in public. I treat her like someone I love, but we're not making out or being sickeningly cute or anything.

I responded by saying that basically I treat her the same way in almost all social contexts. Its different at the gym or at work, but around friends and family my behavior is pretty consistent. I asked her what would we do if we were in a group of friends that included couples and singles? I said that we should just act on how we feel and not try to censor things in front of certain people.

So she said I made her feel bad or silly for bring it up because of the way I expressed my feelings. It made me feel a little bit like she was trying to please everyone and in wanting to act differently around her single friends she was somehow choosing them over me. I know that isn't what is going on, I know she just wants to make everyone feel welcome, and not make anyone feel like an outside and bad. But at the same time, is it realistic to expect me to treat her differently depending on who we are hanging out with?
 
The concern could be genuine, especially with women. It's always awkward being the third wheel, and women get sensitive about such things.

It might be different if she hadnt invited you to see the movie, and you just ran into her.

The fact that she asked you to come along supports her explanation so I wouldnt take it too personally. She's simply trying to accomodate everyones feelings, which mandates some give and take. Your being there at all was a concession to you in the sense that Im sure her friend would likely have wanted alone time so as not to be put in the situation of being a thrid wheel at all. She's just trying to balance out competing interestss
 
she's trying to be considerate of her friend- so she doesn't feel uncomfortable or like a third wheel.
thats cool.
 
JerseyArt said:
The concern could be genuine, especially with women. It's always awkward being the third wheel, and women get sensitive about such things.

It might be different if she hadnt invited you to see the movie, and you just ran into her.

The fact that she asked you to come along supports her explanation so I wouldnt take it too personally. She's simply trying to accomodate everyones feelings, which mandates some give and take. Your being there at all was a concession to you in the sense that Im sure her friend would likely have wanted alone time so as not to be put in the situation of being a thrid wheel at all. She's just trying to balance out competing interestss
Click to expand...
I think your right. I think my gut instinct is just to be selfish and I think that this somehow means I'm not as important, or only equally as important as the friend, but I want to be the most important ya know? So I guess the issue here is with me.
 
Lestat said:
is it realistic to expect me to treat her differently depending on who we are hanging out with?
Click to expand...

imo - under the casual circumstances you described - no.


Either you are with someone or you arent.


I want my woman to be close all night long irregardless of who is around....
 
The Shadow said:
imo - under the casual circumstances you described - no.


Either you are with someone or you arent.


I want my woman to be close all night long irregardless of who is around....
Click to expand...
that was what my initial reaction to her bring this up was... it was like hey.. are we together or aren't we?

But was that a short sighted knee jerk reaction?
 
Wut, wut, wut?
Ditch her, shes baggage...
Two scenarios
a) leave her
b) she stops her stripping job

go to the doc and seek help about this...









oops wrong thread!!!
Man, sounds like you have a gf who cares about others' feelings. Not a bad attribute to have in a g/f. Doubt her feeling will last may have been just a passing feeling on her part, I wouldnt worry about it if this the first time, heck it may be the last time.Id wait to worry about it until she brings it up again and again.Then

ditch her shes baggage...
go to a doctor and seek professional help :0/
j/k
 
KillahBee said:
<------- stabbing himself in the eye repeatedly with a number #2 pencil for opening this thread
Click to expand...

You probably can't see me right now, but do you mind rolling that pencil over here to me. I'm to the left. Thanks.
 
I have already said everything I'm ever going to say about this girl.

good luck bro.

-BRR
 
Lestat said:
that was what my initial reaction to her bring this up was... it was like hey.. are we together or aren't we?

But was that a short sighted knee jerk reaction?
Click to expand...


I dont buy the third wheel shit......if her friend cant accept your relationship that way it is the other 90% of the time when she isnt around....that says a lot about her friend.



the other option is your gf has been down playing your relationship to the spinster
 
The Shadow said:
I dont buy the third wheel shit......if her friend cant accept your relationship that way it is the other 90% of the time when she isnt around....that says a lot about her friend.



the other option is your gf has been down playing your relationship to the spinster
Click to expand...


I admire her for actually caring. Well, admire is a strong word. Maybe, I don't want to kill her, is a better phrase. Shit, I wish more people would do things like that. Not saying she should put on different faces around different people, but I like that she actually pays attention. Maybe she actually has the brain power to not talk on her cell in close quarters in public too.
 
The Bigdawg said:
Without reading all that, shes cheating on you!!!
Click to expand...
bro dont listen to this man... i posted a question similar to yours and thats all the guys on here said... im taking it her friend is not really that pretty... just go wit it and if u get fed up with it tell her how u fell... explain to her u dont wanna change just b/c of ppl she knows... u wont have her change for ppl u know... so try it out if u dotn like it tell her...
 
All my highschool friends had girlfriends.
When they got alittle toasty and couldn't keep their
hands off their girlfriends...I'd just leave. They wouldn't notice.
Made for some fucking cold walks home in the middle of the night.

Your girlfriend is courteous and classy.
Watching love birds fondle each can annoys people like us,
or atleast creates an uncomfortable setting.
 
This is a problem.

She is putting her friend's feelings above yours. She would rather you be uncomfortable than her friend. She's treating you like she 'owns' you and there is no 'maintenance.'

Here's a tip - give her Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book on the Care and Feeding of Husbands and see what she thinks.
 
Ulcasterdropout said:
All my highschool friends had girlfriends.
When they got alittle toasty and couldn't keep their
hands off their girlfriends...I'd just leave. They wouldn't notice.
Made for some fucking cold walks home in the middle of the night.

Your girlfriend is courteous and classy.
Watching love birds fondle each can annoys people like us,
or atleast creates an uncomfortable setting.
Click to expand...

Why didn't you stay and join in on the action?
 
pong21 said:
Why didn't you stay and join in on the action?
Click to expand...
not my bag...:whatever:
I had friends that were sexually active, I am not.
When the beer and God knows what else was flowing, and nature called...I'd disappear.
 
Lestat said:
I think your right. I think my gut instinct is just to be selfish and I think that this somehow means I'm not as important, or only equally as important as the friend, but I want to be the most important ya know? So I guess the issue here is with me.
Click to expand...

Agreed
 
Synpax said:
This is a problem.

She is putting her friend's feelings above yours. She would rather you be uncomfortable than her friend. She's treating you like she 'owns' you and there is no 'maintenance.'
].
Click to expand...

How is she putting her friends feelings before his? It's not like they had this discussion BEFORE the date it was after. How was she supposed to know he'd make a deal about it?

I think some people take the "macho, not whipped, don't take no shit from girls" too far on this board. I also think that if people really did half the shit they say they do on these boards then they're either dating trailer park or dying lonely.
 
first off i'd like to mention your put on double secrete probation from the orbs here at EF for "holding hans and cuddeling at the theater."

your making us look bad.

ok next about your G/F loser friends, just drop some bombs on them, problem solved.

and if that doesnt work let the Associates know. in tough times we ban together here at EF.
 
spongebob said:
first off i'd like to mention your put on double secrete probation from the orbs here at EF for "holding hans and cuddeling at the theater."

your making us look bad.

ok next about your G/F loser friends, just drop some bombs on them, problem solved.

and if that doesnt work let the Associates know. in tough times we ban together here at EF.
Click to expand...
solid advice man. lol!
 
I don't see what the big deal is. She didn't want her friend to be uncomfortable. It's cool that you want things to be the same no matter who's around-really cool actually, and odd for a guy, but anyway... If it were an ex-boyfriend, then I'd pissed. If it were a guy at all I'd be pissed. But it wasn't, just a girlfriend that she didn't want upset. Let it slide...this a mole hill-don't make it a mountain. ;)
 
Sweet_Bitch said:
I don't see what the big deal is. She didn't want her friend to be uncomfortable. It's cool that you want things to be the same no matter who's around-really cool actually, and odd for a guy, but anyway... If it were an ex-boyfriend, then I'd pissed. If it were a guy at all I'd be pissed. But it wasn't, just a girlfriend that she didn't want upset. Let it slide...this a mole hill-don't make it a mountain. ;)
Click to expand...
thanks for your comments. I will take this advice.
 
I have a couple of questions.

1 - Is this new that she has single friends?
2 - Did she not have single friends during the time you dating prior to your break up?
2a - If she did have single friends pre-break up did you behave as you normally infront of them?

Comment: It's nice that she is being mindful of her best friend's feelings....
Well, it was until she mentioned that this be the neccesary behavior for ALL her single friends. (but that's just me)

3 - How do you normal behave while you are out together? Hand holding, baby talk, kissing, butt smackies, pet names... what do you do normally in public?
 
velvett said:
I have a couple of questions.

1 - Is this new that she has single friends?
2 - Did she not have single friends during the time you dating prior to your break up?
2a - If she did have single friends pre-break up did you behave as you normally infront of them?

Comment: It's nice that she is being mindful of her best friend's feelings....
Well, it was until she mentioned that this be the neccesary behavior for ALL her single friends. (but that's just me)

3 - How do you normal behave while you are out together? Hand holding, baby talk, kissing, butt smackies, pet names... what do you do normally in public?
Click to expand...

Excellent questions

Right to the heart of it V

Well done
 
Sugarplum said:
she's trying to be considerate of her friend- so she doesn't feel uncomfortable or like a third wheel.
thats cool.
Click to expand...

yeah man...don't take it personal...smoke some weed and relax, damn.
 
BrothaBill said:
Im going to bump this thread for a week.
Click to expand...

Bump....Thank you sir, may I have another
Brothabills EF version of chinese water torture. See thread on japanese torture for explanation.
 
Lestat said:
This is really no big deal, I've already talked it over with my GF, but just wanted to get some outside opinion.

So last night my GF was hanging out with her best friend. Her best friend lives in LA now and was just here for the day to see her family and so my girl and her had plans for dinner and to hang out.

She calls me and asks me if I want to see a movie with them, I said sure, and I met them there. I was going to stay the night at her place so why not come hang out earlier.

So we watch the movie, hang out for a bit, and her friend leaves to go back to LA. During the movie we held hands a little and we cuddly and what not, but she wasn't as affectionate as typical.

So that night she tells me that when she hangs out with a couple of her single female friends, this one in particular, she tries not to be too affectionate, or at least not too heave on the public display of affection. She said she feels bad because this girl has NEVER had a boyfriend, never had a healthy relationship, and she didn't want to throw anything in her face or make her feel bad, or uncomfortable, or like a third wheel.

So basically she was saying that when we hang out with her single friends, can we tone it down a bit? Now keep in mind, we are NOT all over each other in public. I treat her like someone I love, but we're not making out or being sickeningly cute or anything.

I responded by saying that basically I treat her the same way in almost all social contexts. Its different at the gym or at work, but around friends and family my behavior is pretty consistent. I asked her what would we do if we were in a group of friends that included couples and singles? I said that we should just act on how we feel and not try to censor things in front of certain people.

So she said I made her feel bad or silly for bring it up because of the way I expressed my feelings. It made me feel a little bit like she was trying to please everyone and in wanting to act differently around her single friends she was somehow choosing them over me. I know that isn't what is going on, I know she just wants to make everyone feel welcome, and not make anyone feel like an outside and bad. But at the same time, is it realistic to expect me to treat her differently depending on who we are hanging out with?
Click to expand...
You just can't stay away from the SWV, can you?
 
It is realistic for you to have some security in her feelings for you, and to trust that they will be there, yes, ups and downs, but in general, as the Mets fans said in 1969, "Ya gotta believe".

Stop walking on eggshells bor. Live a little.
 
Hmmm
i do understand her point of view, it is bad enough been single and been surrounded by all your mates who are in, loving relatioships, it does make u feel awkward, and you should'nt really be there.

Look at it this way, she is just been considerate to her friend, and lets face it, you see more of her, than her friend does,

So dont worry about it, there will be plenty of occasions where you can kiss and make out on the streets if you want too

Dont read too much into it,
 
Meantime1 said:
Hmmm
i do understand her point of view, it is bad enough been single and been surrounded by all your mates who are in, loving relatioships, it does make u feel awkward, and you should'nt really be there.

Look at it this way, she is just been considerate to her friend, and lets face it, you see more of her, than her friend does,

So dont worry about it, there will be plenty of occasions where you can kiss and make out on the streets if you want too

Dont read too much into it,
Click to expand...


Yeah dont read too much into it! :evil:
 
Well, I'm still curious.


velvett said:
I have a couple of questions.

1 - Is this new that she has single friends?
2 - Did she not have single friends during the time you dating prior to your break up?
2a - If she did have single friends pre-break up did you behave as you normally infront of them?

Comment: It's nice that she is being mindful of her best friend's feelings....
Well, it was until she mentioned that this be the neccesary behavior for ALL her single friends. (but that's just me)

3 - How do you normal behave while you are out together? Hand holding, baby talk, kissing, butt smackies, pet names... what do you do normally in public?
Click to expand...
 
velvett said:
I have a couple of questions.

1 - Is this new that she has single friends?
2 - Did she not have single friends during the time you dating prior to your break up?
2a - If she did have single friends pre-break up did you behave as you normally infront of them?

Comment: It's nice that she is being mindful of her best friend's feelings....
Well, it was until she mentioned that this be the neccesary behavior for ALL her single friends. (but that's just me)

3 - How do you normal behave while you are out together? Hand holding, baby talk, kissing, butt smackies, pet names... what do you do normally in public?
Click to expand...

Sorry I missed this one.

1. No not really, but her best friend, who is perpetually single, but hot, but just gets these loser guys that want her for sex.. she's been out of town and only visits every once in a while. She has like 1-2 other single friends, that go in and out of being single.

2. she had 1-2

2b. The relationship has always been evolvings. So I'd say our behavior changed over time.

3. Hand holding sometimes. Not overly affectionate. A movie is an exception, usually a certain amount of cuddling there. No real pet names or anything in public that would make people sick.. I don't want to be "that" couple ya know? You could tell we are together though if you saw us.

I think I just like attention from her, and she's basically saying don't expect it all the time. My attention needs made be heightened due to the nature of the relationship. We were broken up for 6 months by her choice.. that lends itself to a LITTLE insecurity.. but really not much, far less then I would have imagined.
 
Lestat said:
Sorry I missed this one.

1. No not really, but her best friend, who is perpetually single, but hot, but just gets these loser guys that want her for sex.. she's been out of town and only visits every once in a while. She has like 1-2 other single friends, that go in and out of being single.

2. she had 1-2

2b. The relationship has always been evolvings. So I'd say our behavior changed over time.

3. Hand holding sometimes. Not overly affectionate. A movie is an exception, usually a certain amount of cuddling there. No real pet names or anything in public that would make people sick.. I don't want to be "that" couple ya know? You could tell we are together though if you saw us.

I think I just like attention from her, and she's basically saying don't expect it all the time. My attention needs made be heightened due to the nature of the relationship. We were broken up for 6 months by her choice.. that lends itself to a LITTLE insecurity.. but really not much, far less then I would have imagined.
Click to expand...


While I think it's a little odd, especially the comment about it being for all her single friends (yet a kind gesture to her best friend) I would probably just take note of it, do what was requested and see what happens.

I can only speak for myself and that I know I am very accomodating to my mate because I want him to be happy but I will also forget nothing said or done either.
 
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