Ownzed: Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

[jnevin]

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

 

[cindylou]

lol.

 

[binö]

lmao

 

[GUARDIAN]

your personal story?

 

[manny78]

Repost....

 

[jnevin]

your personal story?

No. Copied from an email.

 

[puddlemonkey]

best.... story.... ever....

 

[vixensghost]

This could be a movie: " Mr. Blank Shooter meets Ms. Delirious "

 

[all the whey]

Props to him for not being a sucker.


There is a guy from California who did an interview. He was from a very wealthy family, and was very smart. A friend of the family sat him down at 19 and told him women were going to try this shit on him because of his situation. He got a vasectomy at 19.

5 girls claimed he was the father of her child!!! They all thought he was a dick because he wouldn't marry them. They all denied cheating. 2 of them went all the way through the court system with paternity tests. None of them were his.

 

[jnevin]

best.... story.... ever....

lolz

I thought about you and ATW when I read it.

 

[all the whey]

From the Guardian, 1998-07-14: "More than 25 years ago the consultant obstetrician E E Phillipp reported to a symposium on embryo transfer that blood tests on between 200 and 300 women in a town in the south-east of England revealed that 30 per cent of their children could not have been fathered by the men whose blood groups had also been sampled".

From the Dallas Morning News 1999-10-31: "DNA Diagnostics Center … an industry leader, says 30 percent of the men it tests prove to be misidentified. Similar numbers come from the Texas attorney general's office, which enforces child support: About a quarter of the men who disputed paternity in the last year turned out to be right. In Florida, the proportion was one-third".

From the Sunday Times 2000-01-23: "David Hartshorne, spokesman for Cellmark, said that in about one case in seven, the presumed father turns out to be the wrong man".

From the Santa Barbara News-Press 2000-02-27: "For the population as a whole, "The generic number used by us is 10 percent," said Dr. Bradley Popovich, vice president of the American College of Medical Genetics. [15 to 25 % has been determined from blood tests of parents and offspring in Canada and the US.]"

From The Age 2000-03-26: "About 3000 paternity tests are carried out a year in Australia. In about 20 per cent of cases the purported father is found to be unrelated to the child. This figure is estimated to be 10 per cent in the general community".

From The REPORT Newsmagazine 2000-04-24: "The rate of wrongful paternity in "stable monogamous marriages," according to the Max Planck Institute in Munich, Germany, ranges from one in 10 with the first child to one in four with the fourth".

From the Independent 2000-05-12: "... biologists Robin Baker and Mark Bellis ... review of paternity studies also suggested frequent infidelity, with extra-pair paternity running between 1.4 per cent and 30 per cent in different communities".

From The Globe and Mail 2000-05-20: "Anecdotal evidence suggests these numbers bear out in Canada as well…. Maxxam Analytics in Guelph, Ont., performs approximately two paternity tests a day. And according to Dr. Wayne Murray, head of the human DNA department, one out of four men who come in pointing a finger at their spouse is not the biological father of the child in question".

From the Sunday Times 2000-06-11: "More than 250,000 tests a year are now conducted in America, and about 15,000 in Britain.... roughly 30% of men taking the tests discover that they are not the fathers of the children they regarded as their own. In the wider community, social scientists say up to 1 in 20 children are not the offspring of the man who believes himself to be their father".

From the Observer 2000-09-03: "One study followed couples waiting for NHS fertility treatment, where the men were 'azoospermic', meaning they produced no sperm and were totally infertile. The researchers found that 25 per cent of the women became pregnant before fertility treatment started".

From the American Association of Blood Banks - 2001-02-26: "The overall exclusion rate for 1999 was 28.2% for accredited labs. Exclusion rates for non-accredited US and foreign labs were slightly less at 22.7% and 20.6% respectively".

 

[all the whey]

lolz

I thought about you and ATW when I read it.

Don't forget about java.


Or, any man that has managed to stay single into his 30's.

 

[puddlemonkey]

From the Guardian, 1998-07-14: "More than 25 years ago the consultant obstetrician E E Phillipp reported to a symposium on embryo transfer that blood tests on between 200 and 300 women in a town in the south-east of England revealed that 30 per cent of their children could not have been fathered by the men whose blood groups had also been sampled".

From the Dallas Morning News 1999-10-31: "DNA Diagnostics Center … an industry leader, says 30 percent of the men it tests prove to be misidentified. Similar numbers come from the Texas attorney general's office, which enforces child support: About a quarter of the men who disputed paternity in the last year turned out to be right. In Florida, the proportion was one-third".

From the Sunday Times 2000-01-23: "David Hartshorne, spokesman for Cellmark, said that in about one case in seven, the presumed father turns out to be the wrong man".

From the Santa Barbara News-Press 2000-02-27: "For the population as a whole, "The generic number used by us is 10 percent," said Dr. Bradley Popovich, vice president of the American College of Medical Genetics. [15 to 25 % has been determined from blood tests of parents and offspring in Canada and the US.]"

From The Age 2000-03-26: "About 3000 paternity tests are carried out a year in Australia. In about 20 per cent of cases the purported father is found to be unrelated to the child. This figure is estimated to be 10 per cent in the general community".

From The REPORT Newsmagazine 2000-04-24: "The rate of wrongful paternity in "stable monogamous marriages," according to the Max Planck Institute in Munich, Germany, ranges from one in 10 with the first child to one in four with the fourth".

From the Independent 2000-05-12: "... biologists Robin Baker and Mark Bellis ... review of paternity studies also suggested frequent infidelity, with extra-pair paternity running between 1.4 per cent and 30 per cent in different communities".

From The Globe and Mail 2000-05-20: "Anecdotal evidence suggests these numbers bear out in Canada as well…. Maxxam Analytics in Guelph, Ont., performs approximately two paternity tests a day. And according to Dr. Wayne Murray, head of the human DNA department, one out of four men who come in pointing a finger at their spouse is not the biological father of the child in question".

From the Sunday Times 2000-06-11: "More than 250,000 tests a year are now conducted in America, and about 15,000 in Britain.... roughly 30% of men taking the tests discover that they are not the fathers of the children they regarded as their own. In the wider community, social scientists say up to 1 in 20 children are not the offspring of the man who believes himself to be their father".

From the Observer 2000-09-03: "One study followed couples waiting for NHS fertility treatment, where the men were 'azoospermic', meaning they produced no sperm and were totally infertile. The researchers found that 25 per cent of the women became pregnant before fertility treatment started".

From the American Association of Blood Banks - 2001-02-26: "The overall exclusion rate for 1999 was 28.2% for accredited labs. Exclusion rates for non-accredited US and foreign labs were slightly less at 22.7% and 20.6% respectively".

I statistics

 

[vixensghost]

ATW- You'd be the best form of birth control on the market for women. Christ, where the hell do you find all those boring studies? Yawn...

 

[all the whey]

I statistics

Women don't.

Those statistics are wrong because none of their friend did that! lol

(odds are atleast 1 of their friends did)

 

[ceo]

Nice!!!

 

[GUARDIAN]

No. Copied from an email.

that is a great story! would of been cool to have had a camera there.

 

[binö]

my ex's brother had a situation where his gf got knocked up...dude was always suspicious. and he broke up with the lady before the kid was born...but he felt some obligation (for what reason i have no idea) and he has been raising the boy every since (boy is now 9)...looks absolutley nothing like him. he is 100% italian and the kid is pasty white with light brown hair.
but he bonded with the kid, and loves him as his own, even though he most likely is not...when i asked him about getting a dna test he said that it's pointless; it's his son regardless of blood.
this guy is a major douche with a violent streak...but i give him much admiration for this

 

[*The_West*]

well done that man, you played that perfectly. arent women bastards? i mean, some of them are ok, but EVERY SINGLE ONE has it within them to be a complete manipulative, scheming little so and so

 

[all the whey]

that is a great story! would of been cool to have had a camera there.

I would have played along the whole time. Then, surpise her with a trip to NY and see Maury.

 

[all the whey]

my ex's brother had a situation where his gf got knocked up...dude was always suspicious. and he broke up with the lady before the kid was born...but he felt some obligation (for what reason i have no idea) and he has been raising the boy every since (boy is now 9)...looks absolutley nothing like him. he is 100% italian and the kid is pasty white with light brown hair.
but he bonded with the kid, and loves him as his own, even though he most likely is not...when i asked him about getting a dna test he said that it's pointless; it's his son regardless of blood.
this guy is a major douche with a violent streak...but i give him much admiration for this

I know a few guys who now that they are older and not so niave wonder if it is their kid.

They don't want to take paternity test for the same reason as your ex's brother.

They think they are doing the right thing, but they do not treat the kid like he is 100% his. So, the kid is suffering.

 

[binö]

I know a few guys who now that they are older and not so niave wonder if it is their kid.

They don't want to take paternity test for the same reason as your ex's brother.

They think they are doing the right thing, but they do not treat the kid like he is 100% his. So, the kid is suffering.

that's obviously fucked up.
but with the douche i was referring to, he treats his "son" like gold.
to see them bond really is something special, however gai that sounds.

 

[Razorguns]

OMFG!!!

That is awesome! Good for you. I wish I was a fly on the wall at that moment.

Never have a relationship with a woman whose morals and values are questionable.

r

 

[Big Rick Rock]

These stats are from men who took the test because of doubt to begin with.

Only 2-3 out of every 10 men who were in doubt and took the DNA test, were NOT the father.

From the Guardian, 1998-07-14: "More than 25 years ago the consultant obstetrician E E Phillipp reported to a symposium on embryo transfer that blood tests on between 200 and 300 women in a town in the south-east of England revealed that 30 per cent of their children could not have been fathered by the men whose blood groups had also been sampled".

From the Dallas Morning News 1999-10-31: "DNA Diagnostics Center … an industry leader, says 30 percent of the men it tests prove to be misidentified. Similar numbers come from the Texas attorney general's office, which enforces child support: About a quarter of the men who disputed paternity in the last year turned out to be right. In Florida, the proportion was one-third".

From the Sunday Times 2000-01-23: "David Hartshorne, spokesman for Cellmark, said that in about one case in seven, the presumed father turns out to be the wrong man".

From the Santa Barbara News-Press 2000-02-27: "For the population as a whole, "The generic number used by us is 10 percent," said Dr. Bradley Popovich, vice president of the American College of Medical Genetics. [15 to 25 % has been determined from blood tests of parents and offspring in Canada and the US.]"

From The Age 2000-03-26: "About 3000 paternity tests are carried out a year in Australia. In about 20 per cent of cases the purported father is found to be unrelated to the child. This figure is estimated to be 10 per cent in the general community".

From The REPORT Newsmagazine 2000-04-24: "The rate of wrongful paternity in "stable monogamous marriages," according to the Max Planck Institute in Munich, Germany, ranges from one in 10 with the first child to one in four with the fourth".

From the Independent 2000-05-12: "... biologists Robin Baker and Mark Bellis ... review of paternity studies also suggested frequent infidelity, with extra-pair paternity running between 1.4 per cent and 30 per cent in different communities".

From The Globe and Mail 2000-05-20: "Anecdotal evidence suggests these numbers bear out in Canada as well…. Maxxam Analytics in Guelph, Ont., performs approximately two paternity tests a day. And according to Dr. Wayne Murray, head of the human DNA department, one out of four men who come in pointing a finger at their spouse is not the biological father of the child in question".

From the Sunday Times 2000-06-11: "More than 250,000 tests a year are now conducted in America, and about 15,000 in Britain.... roughly 30% of men taking the tests discover that they are not the fathers of the children they regarded as their own. In the wider community, social scientists say up to 1 in 20 children are not the offspring of the man who believes himself to be their father".

From the Observer 2000-09-03: "One study followed couples waiting for NHS fertility treatment, where the men were 'azoospermic', meaning they produced no sperm and were totally infertile. The researchers found that 25 per cent of the women became pregnant before fertility treatment started".

From the American Association of Blood Banks - 2001-02-26: "The overall exclusion rate for 1999 was 28.2% for accredited labs. Exclusion rates for non-accredited US and foreign labs were slightly less at 22.7% and 20.6% respectively".

 

[all the whey]

ATW- You'd be the best form of birth control on the market for women. Christ, where the hell do you find all those boring studies? Yawn...

I try to be the best form of birth control for all the noobs, so the don't end up getting fucked.


But, boring studies???????????

This is one of the biggest problems we have.

Kids don't have a proper health history.

It is hard on the kids when they find out. (this is why most states give you only a few yrs to check paternity)

Most single moms are recieving some form of Government aid. (I didnt say all)

kids born to single moms are more likely to do the same thing.

Kids born to single mom are more likely to commit crime as juviniles

kids born to single moms make up the majority of people in prison.

Besides, just seeing how fucked up kids are. This is alot of extra money the government is paying for with our tax dollars.

 

[Lestat]

great story!

 

[all the whey]

that's obviously fucked up.
but with the douche i was referring to, he treats his "son" like gold.
to see them bond really is something special, however gai that sounds.

I am glad to hear that. And, I hope it is his kid anyways!

I guy that married a distant cousin raised a kid he knew wasn't his with his first wife.

But, after his first wife left him he said fuck it. I feel bad for the kid.

 

[-SD-]

i didnt know vasectomies were so cheap. as a single guy whose 33 about to graduate with a masters and become a CPA I should consider this.

 

[all the whey]

i didnt know vasectomies were so cheap. as a single guy whose 33 about to graduate with a masters and become a CPA I should consider this.

I have been thinking about it to. But, I haven't been messing with any girls this last yr anyways.lol

I have had 3 girls tell me they were preg. One was but there was no way it could have been mine.

A gf I had in my early 20's told me 10 yrs later she was trying to get preg by me. She was all "tee hee I was so silly". WTF???!!!!!!!

 

[puddlemonkey]

i didnt know vasectomies were so cheap. as a single guy whose 33 about to graduate with a masters and become a CPA I should consider this.

I think the story might be old cause when I checked into it they were a lot more than that.

 

[binö]

I am glad to hear that. And, I hope it is his kid anyways!

I guy that married a distant cousin raised a kid he knew wasn't his with his first wife.

But, after his first wife left him he said fuck it. I feel bad for the kid.

all too often the kid gets forgotten in these situations and it's all about memememememmemememmemememememme
i can see why judges enforce child support even though the kid has been proven not to be the dads, in some situations

 

[all the whey]

I think the story might be old cause when I checked into it they were a lot more than that.

It is still cheaper than making 216 monthly payments.

 

[-SD-]

I would think even if its double at $800 its still a bargain for what you get.

 

[puddlemonkey]

all too often the kid gets forgotten in these situations and it's all about memememememmemememmemememememme
i can see why judges enforce child support even though the kid has been proven not to be the dads, in some situations

Bah, modern day slavery for the white man! In 20 years I'm gonna start demanding reparations even though I wasn't affected by the situation!

 

[all the whey]

 

[binö]

Bah, modern day slavery for the white man! In 20 years I'm gonna start demanding reparations even though I wasn't affected by the situation!

it should be harder to reproduce
respectable peeps like you and i will never have kids, but ghetto/trailer trash squeezes out kids by the bakers dozen

 

[musclemom]

I know this is going to be taken the wrong way, but I don't give a shit:

I think it's sad. I think it's sad that women feel driven to do manipulative shit like that and I think it's sad that there are men out there who just want to stick their penises into something warm and are willing to mislead women to do it (don't deny it, men, you know you do).

What is truly fucked up is that women really only has a very limited amount of time to have children healthfully and men have unlimited sperm production years and the cold hard fact is that the years that are prime baby making ones for women are generally the years when all men want to do is stick their penises into warm wet spots with no reprecussions.

Yes, there are ice cold manipulative bitches and gold diggers out there, but I think, taken on a whole, more women are decent, and would prefer to be able to settle down, have a home and husband and family. But it all comes back down to one statement:

It's sad.

Sorry, I'm just in that kind of mood today ...

 

[binö]

I know this is going to be taken the wrong way, but I don't give a shit:

I think it's sad. I think it's sad that women feel driven to do manipulative shit like that and I think it's sad that there are men out there who just want to stick their penises into something warm and are willing to mislead women to do it (don't deny it, men, you know you do).

What is truly fucked up is that women really only has a very limited amount of time to have children healthfully and men have unlimited sperm production years and the cold hard fact is that the years that are prime baby making ones for women are generally the years when all men want to do is stick their penises into warm wet spots with no reprecussions.

Yes, there are ice cold manipulative bitches and gold diggers out there, but I think, taken on a whole, more women are decent, and would prefer to be able to settle down, have a home and husband and family. But it all comes back down to one statement:

It's sad.

Sorry, I'm just in that kind of mood today ...

what's really sad is the kids born into these situations...a disgruntled father who is unsure of the kid's bloodline and a slut mother who can't say for sure who the father is.
in the end it's the kid who loses and the cycle repeats itself when the kid has kids

 

[-SD-]

so what does it cost to reverse a vasectomy?

 

[mrplunkey]

I know this is going to be taken the wrong way, but I don't give a shit:

I think it's sad. I think it's sad that women feel driven to do manipulative shit like that and I think it's sad that there are men out there who just want to stick their penises into something warm and are willing to mislead women to do it (don't deny it, men, you know you do).

What is truly fucked up is that women really only has a very limited amount of time to have children healthfully and men have unlimited sperm production years and the cold hard fact is that the years that are prime baby making ones for women are generally the years when all men want to do is stick their penises into warm wet spots with no reprecussions.

Yes, there are ice cold manipulative bitches and gold diggers out there, but I think, taken on a whole, more women are decent, and would prefer to be able to settle down, have a home and husband and family. But it all comes back down to one statement:

It's sad.

Sorry, I'm just in that kind of mood today ...

Good points, but you're assuming that the male and female are the same age. If a woman that's prime for babymaking looks to a guy who's just a handfull of years older (5-10), they'd find his biological clock is closer to in-sync with hers. Guys in their 20's are typically focused on chasing ass or on their career -- or both.

 

[puddlemonkey]

so what does it cost to reverse a vasectomy?

Depends on a few things, including what version you want.

 

[GUARDIAN]

These stats are from men who took the test because of doubt to begin with.

Only 2-3 out of every 10 men who were in doubt and took the DNA test, were NOT the father.

i saw a dateline show or something about this. alot of men found out by accident bc of hereditary conditions the children had. there are some things only passed on by the father and when the child had it but the father didnt it put the doctors in a difficult position. alot of the doctors never told the men that it was impossible for them to be the father.

 

[bigmann245]

that is sweet. i love getting people in the truth box.

 

[Arabian]

Ive had one and I know the feeling.. I had a wing nut accuse me however after I told her I had a vasectomy, she magically had her period... Meal ticket, thats it....

 

[Wulfgar]

i dont need a vas cause I stick to fuckin chicks in the ass

 

[jackangel]

also: deuce don't carry sperm

i remember when this was posted previously...hr went off...i think she called bullshit on it.

 

[hanselthecaretaker]

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

Thread of the week, lock stock and smoking sterile barrel right here.

 

[Dial_tone]

Greatest Bro Story Ever!

 

[Dial_tone]

i dont need a vas cause I stick to fuckin chicks in the ass

I just lay off the hcg and clomid

 

[hanselthecaretaker]

it should be harder to reproduce
respectable peeps like you and i will never have kids, but ghetto/trailer trash squeezes out kids by the bakers dozen

You gotta watch the movie Idiocracy

 

[Arabian]

Thread of the week, lock stock and smoking sterile barrel right here.

Agreed.

 

[hanselthecaretaker]

I know this is going to be taken the wrong way, but I don't give a shit:

I think it's sad. I think it's sad that women feel driven to do manipulative shit like that and I think it's sad that there are men out there who just want to stick their penises into something warm and are willing to mislead women to do it (don't deny it, men, you know you do).

What is truly fucked up is that women really only has a very limited amount of time to have children healthfully and men have unlimited sperm production years and the cold hard fact is that the years that are prime baby making ones for women are generally the years when all men want to do is stick their penises into warm wet spots with no reprecussions.

Yes, there are ice cold manipulative bitches and gold diggers out there, but I think, taken on a whole, more women are decent, and would prefer to be able to settle down, have a home and husband and family. But it all comes back down to one statement:

It's sad.

Sorry, I'm just in that kind of mood today ...

America has become to morally soft. It is possible to forge good, responsible citizens and have a fine tuned, well oiled society that runs almost like clockwork and everyone's better off in the end for it.

But you can't do that so well when all the boring important stuff takes a back seat to stuff like MTV, Howard Stern, Girls Gone Wild, etc.

We're a bit off kilter these days.

 

[Wulfgar]

also: deuce don't carry sperm

i remember when this was posted previously...hr went off...i think she called bullshit on it.

I remember that!!
tat was str8 up comedy

 

[rnch]

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

this cautionary tale reminds me of quotes from my father:

"son, they do it to you because they can"

"they play a dangerous game"

"feminine logic is a contradiction of terms"

 

[fistfullofsteel]

The Moral of the Story -

WOMEN = Crazy stupid insane bitches.

 

[javaguru]

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

That was a mean thing to do to poor HR....