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Oil Change Instructions For Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3,000 miles since the
lastoil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a
properlymaintained
vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total
$21.00
Oil Change Instructions ForMen:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store
andbuy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a
checkfor $20.00, drive
home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot
oilon you in process.
Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of
faceand arms. Throw
kittylitter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a
screwdriverthrough oil filter
andtwist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil
filtersplashing oil
everywherefrom holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter
amongtrash in trash
canto avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil
changetomorrow so you can go see his new garage
dooropener.
18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gottafinish the
oilchange." Drag pan
fullof old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly
dumpoil in hole in
backyard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to
recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step
18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
thincoat of oil to
gasketsurface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole
inthe back yard,
alongwith drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain
plug. Re-shovel oily dirt
intohole. Steal sand from kidssandbox to cleverly
coveroily patch of
groundand avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain
plugin lawnmower
gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
thefloor. Throw
kittylitter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
Wipe eyes with oily
ragused to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid
crescentwrench tightening
drainplug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench
hitMiss December
(1992) in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
requiredto stop blood
flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor
oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
freshoil spilled during
steps23 thru 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the
influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4,165.00
-- But you know the job was done right.
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3,000 miles since the
lastoil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a
properlymaintained
vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total
$21.00
Oil Change Instructions ForMen:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store
andbuy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a
checkfor $20.00, drive
home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot
oilon you in process.
Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of
faceand arms. Throw
kittylitter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a
screwdriverthrough oil filter
andtwist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil
filtersplashing oil
everywherefrom holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter
amongtrash in trash
canto avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil
changetomorrow so you can go see his new garage
dooropener.
18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gottafinish the
oilchange." Drag pan
fullof old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly
dumpoil in hole in
backyard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to
recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step
18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
thincoat of oil to
gasketsurface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole
inthe back yard,
alongwith drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain
plug. Re-shovel oily dirt
intohole. Steal sand from kidssandbox to cleverly
coveroily patch of
groundand avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain
plugin lawnmower
gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
thefloor. Throw
kittylitter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
Wipe eyes with oily
ragused to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid
crescentwrench tightening
drainplug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench
hitMiss December
(1992) in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
requiredto stop blood
flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor
oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
freshoil spilled during
steps23 thru 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the
influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4,165.00
-- But you know the job was done right.
Gracias
