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Robert Jan
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The Complete Ninja Chronicles
In the beginning...there was the ninja, his crowbar and the trout he wielded so valiantly. For endless centuries the trout was faithful to the ninja, never complaining; just being content as the weapon of choice for he whom was chosen to dispense pain and endless crowbaring.
For a thousand years the ninja kept his identity a secret, with darkness an ally and moonlight a soulmate...but because of that damn CNN the secret got out. Soon everyone wanted to be a ninja, the crowbar market went through the roof and unfortunately...so did the usage of trout for purposes of retribution.
Soon...trout all over the globe were being ripped from their homes and boy were they p!ssed. The ninja tried to reason with them...but to no avail...the b@stards formed a union...and not only did they form a union...but they appointed the rainbow trout the president of the union.
Well...any ninja worth his crowbar knows that homo fish can not be dealt with...they are a plague on the good name of trout everywhere. So...the ninja refused to bargain with the trout and the little miscreants went on strike...that's right, they up and left the side of the master they have served for so many years.
Obviously this p!ssed the ninja off, for months he substituted other objects for his beloved comrade. He'd throw ice cubes, wield other fish...but they were just not the same. But fear not...for the ninja had a plan! During the years of crowbaring in south america; the ninja had befriended the pygmie liberation army...that's right, half naked midgets with blow dart guns...an ally so powerful it could untie the fabric of the universe.
Well, in his time of need the ninja called upon his brethren from the south...he met with the general in a secret meeting and hired their most powerful assassin...*what'd you think he was gonna do, negotiate* Little did the ninja know...but while on vacation in cicily, *where else is a midget in a loin cloth gonna blend in* the assassin was murdered and a little italian midget with a naval ring infiltrated the pygmie liberation army.
As per there usual business arrangements...the ninja payed in blow darts and vodka *don't ask* The contract was set and by sundown the rainbow trout was to be executed...but alas, the little b@stard took the vodka and headed for long island...just wait til i get my hands on that devil with a bad accent...so the saga continues.
...after that little bastard took off with the vodka, the ninja master went in search of a plan. To his surprise, he found it in alabama...at a strip club. He walks up to these three guys in suits and everyone of them is holding a crowbar, he politely asks the first guy "sup wich that stick in you hand, you kicking ole school ninja style"
of course these 3 distinguished gentleman were secretly ninjas taking in the sites, i believe you know their names. The ninja master, whose real name is Alex sits down with the boys, has a few drinks, and gets a lap dance.
After the the ninjas polish off a gallon of vodka, Alex tells the others of his dilemma and they agree the midget needs to die, nobody likes a theiving cicilian.
So, after much deliberation and more lap dances, the ninjas devise a plan. First, they needed some bait...nothing gets a midget going like swedish models oil wrestling. It just so happens that there was one of these events happening in michigan...saginaw to be exact. But...for this to work it has to be in the winter...where else could a midget go and blame his small package on the weather.
Next, they need to decide the exact method for the trap...the trouble came in how they wanted to kill the little P.O.S...Alex wanted to decapitate him and make a stew...the rest of the crew knew that they must hire a true assassin, one of real cunning and superb skill. Only one man could do this job, another midget. So, one of the ninjas *who will remain nameless at this time* calls a friend in long island, his price is quite reasonable, a dime bag and double whopper
They have the venue, they have the bait, and they have the assassin...now what to wear...decisions, decisions. As all good ninjas know, you must kill in a suit, so they made a side trip to Sax Fifth Avenue on the way...there was also this ace little crowbar shop right next to the whore house on wallstreet, good prices too!
They arrived in saginaw on the 4th of november, 3 days before the oil wrestling tournament. The ninja who hails from alabama...we'll call him matt, decided that the boys needed to get in a training session while they were there, so they head to the nearest hole in the wall gym they can find and train hard for like 6 hours *ninjas can't overtrain* By the time they got back to the hotel room, it became apparent it was time to eat...when in saginaw, there is only one place fit for ninjas...HOOTERS!
So of course the boys get like 5 pitchers of beer and 100 wings...they drank til 2am and passed out playing beach volleyball in the moonlight...well, they boys apparently got some good stuff cause they slept for 2 1/2 days...and damn near missed the oil wrestling.
The night of the competition approaches, the guys are ready, 3 piece suits, crowbars, and some protein bars just in case they get hungry. Well, as expected, the little bastard was in the front row with dollar bills in hand, the golden crowbar that he thieved was just peeking out of his sport coat. All of a sudden, he reaches to grab this one wrestler's *pec* and he falls in the pit, he drowns and the ninjas celebrate.
But...since the little guy from long island doesn't get paid cause he didn't knock off the cicilian, he gets pissed, steals the golden crowbar and flees to Jamaica...and the story goes on.
Previously...our heroes had just been screwed over by a little italian assassin who has taken their money, their vodka, and the golden crowbar to the bahamas...seems the little bastard has a fetish with dark skinned women...go figure.
Upon arriving on the island...matt sees this chick he knew from back in the day and runs off to go get some. The ninja master was so pissed he couldn't kill straight...so he went to the mountains for some meditation time. We now have our other two heroes just chillin on the island trying to figure out how to get the stuff back, especially the vodka.
A little background on the two heroes...the first is Glen, aka-flaming boner. Truth be told, he is a bit of an assface. Matt had found him many years ago outside a strip club in jersey...he was being beaten to death by this hooker he refused to pay... Anyways, matt took him in, educated him in the fine art of ninja-ing and he became a very competent ninja.
Our other hero...who we'll call x for now, took a much different route in his quest for ninja enlightenment. He was born into a poor family in the streets of Kiev...*where do you think the special vodka came from!* He took up the secret arts at a young age...brandished his first crowbar at the age of 9...to his mother's displeasure...it was on his father's knee. He was cast from their humble cardboard hut and took to find refuge in the church...there he learned to read, learned to control his emotions...and he learned how to pick up catholic girls...a fine skill indeed.
Back on the island...Glen and X are roaming the beaches for chicks when they stumble upon the little bastard showing the golden crowbar to some gorgeous native...he sees them and uses all the power his short, stubby little legs can muster to flee into the jungle. Instead of chasing after the little guy, Glen decides to pick up the native and go back to her hut. X is content to chill on the beach and work on his tan.
Three days pass...the Ninja Master has returned from the mountains and Matt comes back from his tryst with the hottie. The time to go midget hunting has come upon them. As our heroes tromp into the jungle, they find that the midget has dropped the vodka, X quickly throws it in his backpack. They venture deep into the jungle, in the heart of the jungle they hear much moaning and screeching...all of a sudden, they hear a high pitched shreik and a woman speaking in this horrible accent...the Ninja Master recognizes the language as french. They come upon where they heard the scream and they see the midget laying naked and dead, obviously beaten with a blunt object. While they observe the body, looking frantically for the crowbar, Matt finds a passport. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH" he cries, without asking, the Ninja Master knew that the woman who was talking was a french flight attendent. In that moment...a faint smile came upon the Ninja Master, finally he could go back to Europe, back to his homeland, back to his millenia long assault on the French...
...somewhere in Paris. The ninja master is frantically searching the streets for that damn flight attendant, without the golden crowbar he is lost, and his temperment is worse than that of a german shepherd who's just been violated by a horse. While roaming the streets, he comes upon a jewish deli, subsequently this deli is right next to one of those cheesy little french restaurants that serve bad wine and have waitresses whom you wouldn't procreate with if you were promised a swiss bank account and a nice new beamer. Anyways, while in the deli he finds they serve not only his favorite; pastrami on rye, but they also sell saki...the owner is of japanese decent, go figure. While drinking the saki and eating the sandwich, he gets an epiphany; the secret to getting back the trout is to hire a pihranna, the finest killing machine in existence!
Meanwhile, wandering near the eiffel tower, matt and his other ninja companions stumble upon this little hole in the wall bar and decide its time for a drink. When they walk in, the first thing they see is that damn flight attendant trying to trade the crowbar for a bag of coke. From out of no where they leap at the table, matt snags the crowbar, glen punches the coke dealer, and it seems that their other ninja brother is staring at this chick holding a beer. She looks up and frantically runs in his direction. "Mitch, Mitch, Mitch" she screamed his name at the top of her lungs...you'd of thought she was in a porno. They all sat down and got piss drunk, they told her the story at length and decided that they needed to get with the ninja master and divide into teams...one to kill that damn queer fish and the other team to find a suitable place to house the ninja order.
After some looting of the city and painting "frenchies suck" on the sides of the eiffle tower, our ninja heroes get together and devise the plan. Matt and Glen decide they will head to the far east to find a suitable place to set up shop. While the master and Mitch are heading to the amazon rain forest, a new alliance with the pihranna nation will be formed.
Before we come to the present, we must go back to what has happened since the tale of the ninja was last told.
It has been 10 long years since the ninjas have been spoken of. When we last spoke mitch and the ninja master were headed off to the amazon rain forest in search of the pihrana. While Glen and Majt were off to the far east to gather legions to fight the upcoming war.
First, we will tell the tale of what has happened to the master and mitch since their departure from Paris. Upon leaving the god forsaken country of france, our heroes journeyed to rain forests of south america. In the second year, our heroes were close to finding the location of the pihrana and its master, King Bitemindaass. But you see, the rainbow trout knew that the ninja would search for the pihrana and sent out assassins to kill the master and his apprentice. The assassin was brilliant, when the master and mitch had stopped in a small village outside of macchu piccu, the assassin guised herself as a barmaid. Mitch, being the testosterone driven ninja that he is, attempted to pick up the bar maid and take her to the place that he and the master set up for the night. But before he could get his groove on he wanted a massage; the assassin distracted him with a masterful massage then out of nowhere she pulled out an ice skate and slit his throat with it. She then had the ice skate in hand was going to cut up the master, but when he returned, piss drunk and angry cause he didn't get any ass, she leaped at him, he did a backflip, ripped out her asophagus and cast her to the river, immediately she was devoured by a stealth force of pihranas. The master was overjoyed, he requested of the pihranas that they take him to the king, for he was the ninja master and the time for war was upon the world. The pihranas agreed but said he must make haste, he was glad to do so but first wanted to go get mitch. Upon finding mitch's dead body he let out a shriek that could have made mariah carey sound like a bass tenor. The shriek awakened the King and the pihrana infantry was hurridly on its way to find the source of that hideous sound. They found the master weeping at the death of mitch and ready for blood. After speaking in secret the king and th master formed an alliance that would never die and the pihranas swam mitch up stream on a kayak to the mountain of fire, his body was scorched and his ashes were spread upon the amazon, ninja magic now claimed rights upon the amazon, a new army was born. For 6 long years the ninja and the pihrana fought side by side, killing homo fish and frenchman, the ocean was a huge sea of pihranas, not even the mighty hurricanes would get in there path. Pihranas lined the western borders of europe and africa, killing all who would not take up arms against the enemies of the ninja. In august of the 9th year an earthquake with magnitude unseen had shaken the earth, the ocean breathed fire and much of the pihrana armies were destroyed, and the home of the rainbow trout and the trout defenses were mystically raised 5000 feet into the air, unpenetrable by any means other than supernatural. The ninja master wept once again, not only was he stopped right at the verge of victory, but now, the one place he hated more than any other place on earth housed his mortal enemy and kept victory from his grasp, that's right, Jersey was now the capitol of the world...the horror! The small army of remaining pihranas and the master now took to the shores of Australia where they would send secret message to Majt and Glen to join them for a final battle...*now we turn to the fates of Majt and Glen*
...After leaving Paris, Majt and Glen decided they would head to Russia, they both needed the seclusion of the artic winter and the warmth of good Vodka. While in Russia they decided that building an army is not what was needed to win, as the master would gain the trust of the pihrana and soon the army of the ninja would greater than anything that has marched or swam. What was truly needed to was to hone the ninja skillz and to search out those mystical weapons lored to be cast within the base of Mt. Ninja. The location of Mt. Ninja was a secret, not even the master knew where it was located, for in the beginning the mountain and the master were created and at the time of reckoning the mountain would reveal its true nature to those who served the Ninja law and wielded the crowbar. It had been said that upon finding the soul of one's self, that the mountain would reveal itself, but only through deep meditation and perseverance would the mountain come forth. The ninjas had journeyed from russia to the caves near the summit of everest. Here they found a cavern with running water and fruit vines, the simple things that could sustain them while they found the ninja within. After 2 months Majt began to have the shakes, he was in withdrawal, the evil poison that used to be his friend now was the cause of his great pain, but he could overcome this pain, he called upon the ninjas of old and they answered, his addiction to the fire water was gone and he began to see the formations of early earth. Glen on the other hand was still struggling with his vision quest, he had forsaken the women, the liquor, the arrogance of his heart but yet he still could not see beyond the mists. Then in the summer of the 6th year of meditation, Glen heard a noise outside the cave, one of vicious beasts, he went to investigate, it was a sabertooth, this beast was supposed to have died thousands of years ago, but here was one ready to rip Glen apart, Glen reached for his crowbar and at that instant another sabertooth snuck up on him and bit off his ass, in one foul bite. Pain surged through his body and he let off a terrible screech, Majt found him and brought him back to the cave. There he propped up against the wall, Glen then passed out and fell to a deep coma. At that very second the walls of the cave lit up and Majt could see the inscriptions on the wall, it was the story of the earth, and how the great mountain would reveal itself. One ninja warrior had to give up his addiction and fight the demons, this was Majt. Another ninja would have to give a piece of his flesh to the sacred protectors, then he would fall to a deep sleep and have to use his mind and not his muscle to see the inner ninja, then and only then would the mountain reveal itself to the two warriors.
Glen was in sleep for 2 years, then finally while Majt was polishing his crowbar Glen awakened and the cave lit up like a firebomb. The mountain had awakened and they both saw the peak of Mt. Ninja and that which was right beneath it. To their amazement, Mt. Ninja stood where the province of Quebec used to be, as the mountain rose they could hear the screams of annoying little french canadians cursing the sky and then plummeting to their deaths, Michealangelo himself could not have painted a better picture. They knew what they must do, they ventured across the frozen lands to England, there they boarded a ship to Canada, the landscape of the earth had changed much since they last saw daylight, and as they approached the shores of New Brunswick they saw Jersey propelled in the air and they wept. They then ventured to Mt. Ninja, the land was deserted, for all the people of the area were frightened at the mighty mountain, which had a peak in the shape of a mask, a ninja mask. They were magically floated to the peak of the mountain, where the crowbar of time showed them all the history of the earth and their destiny of world conquest. They ventured deep into the mountain, at its base was the tomb of Master Kikemindanuts, the exiled brother of the Ninja Master, who died in old Quebec of syphillus, which he contracted from a little french maid. They entered the tomb, cast in the walls above the casket were two crowbars, mightier than any they had ever seen, they chanted words they had never heard and the crowbars came out of the mountain and into their hands, they felt a power which hadn't been felt for ten thousand years and they smiled. The base of the moutain opened and they ventured into the light, they noticed they were clothed in armor and mail, and suddenly their crowbars began to glow, a light so powerful they knew it was the sign of the great war. They saw the same glowing to the far east, it was the master. They traveled to Australia via the wings of the hawk, which never tired nor lingered, soon they were on the shores of the great country and the master was there to greet them...*finally the end has come*
...On the beaches of the fire stricken continent, the three ninjas raised there crowbars and they began to glow again, the gold stripped away from the master's crowbar and it glowed a bright blue. Majt's crowbar glowed red as flame, bright as the sun. Glen's crowbar was a mystical green glow, majestic as a mountain of emeralds.
The time had come for war, the battle lines were drawn, the trout had made their choice. Through mind control and really bad television shows the rainbow trout zombified the peoples of the earth, the once strong nations were now humbled at the fins of the homo fish. This could go on no longer, the ancients foretold the ninjas would rise...oh yes and rise they shall.
The hawk carried the ninjas to the peak of Jersey, smack dab in the middle of trenton. With glowing crowbars the people fled to the center of town, where the capitol building stood, it was in the shape of a fish, colored in the glow of the rainbow. War has come, the final battle begins.
The ninjas surrounded the building in a triangle, they raised their crowbars and chanted the words of the old ninjas...a language dead for a million years. The glass shattered, the concrete fell, all that remained was a large pool of trout. The screamed and they fired off cannons and bombs, but the power of the unified crowbars was unmatched. The master asked the trout to surrender, but they would not, they fled to an underground passage beneath the pool, and so the ninjas followed them still.
Deep beneath the city the battle waged on, at the strike of each crowbar, ten thousand trout perished. Until the ninjas came upon the foot of a giant door, with another incomprehensible chant, the ninjas beckoned the door to open and it obeyed. The sight within the cavern was one that would frighten even a blind troll. There stood the trout and behind him stood a man cloaked in armor, with a silver hood covering his visage. At once the cloak was cast off and the ninjas stood in amazement at the site of the man wearing the armor, the master's brother, was brought back from the dead.
The rainbow trout began to laugh, but at once the silver crowbar of kikemindanuts sliced the trout in two, no ninja would ever be ruled by a damn homo fish.
The final battle was at hand, in the beginning there were 4 crowbars, in the end there must be one. Both ninja masters began to fight, metal screeched and sparks flew, when it seemed as the ninja master had his brother defeated, kikemindanuts blasted his brother in the nuts with a swift crowbar assault, the master's crowbar flew to the ground near Majt and Glen, kikemindanuts then took the head of his brother and laughed at Majt and Glen.
Glen reached for the crowbar on the ground at the same time Majt did, but they grabbed it at the same time, then the ground began to shake and a bright glow cast over the two ninjas, there crowbars meshed as did their spirits, when it was done there was now one ninja white as snow with the grey crowbar in his hand, Glen and Majt were now Gajt, the warrior king prophesied to save the world at its time of need.
With one swipe of the grey crowbar kikemindanuts was vanquished and the world was once again safe. The silver crowbar joined with the grey crowbar and it was now white, it was power in its true form, never to used for foul purposes again. Jersey finally came back down to earth and the landscape returned to its true form. Mt. Ninja descended back into the ground and the people of the earth were now free. There were no more trout, but there was no need, the friend of the ninja was now the hawk. Gajt flew back to the caves of everest where he would meditate and begin to learn the old language inscribed on the cavern walls. From now on there was a new protector of the earth and he would not fail when the earth needed him.
In the beginning...there was the ninja, his crowbar and the trout he wielded so valiantly. For endless centuries the trout was faithful to the ninja, never complaining; just being content as the weapon of choice for he whom was chosen to dispense pain and endless crowbaring.
For a thousand years the ninja kept his identity a secret, with darkness an ally and moonlight a soulmate...but because of that damn CNN the secret got out. Soon everyone wanted to be a ninja, the crowbar market went through the roof and unfortunately...so did the usage of trout for purposes of retribution.
Soon...trout all over the globe were being ripped from their homes and boy were they p!ssed. The ninja tried to reason with them...but to no avail...the b@stards formed a union...and not only did they form a union...but they appointed the rainbow trout the president of the union.
Well...any ninja worth his crowbar knows that homo fish can not be dealt with...they are a plague on the good name of trout everywhere. So...the ninja refused to bargain with the trout and the little miscreants went on strike...that's right, they up and left the side of the master they have served for so many years.
Obviously this p!ssed the ninja off, for months he substituted other objects for his beloved comrade. He'd throw ice cubes, wield other fish...but they were just not the same. But fear not...for the ninja had a plan! During the years of crowbaring in south america; the ninja had befriended the pygmie liberation army...that's right, half naked midgets with blow dart guns...an ally so powerful it could untie the fabric of the universe.
Well, in his time of need the ninja called upon his brethren from the south...he met with the general in a secret meeting and hired their most powerful assassin...*what'd you think he was gonna do, negotiate* Little did the ninja know...but while on vacation in cicily, *where else is a midget in a loin cloth gonna blend in* the assassin was murdered and a little italian midget with a naval ring infiltrated the pygmie liberation army.
As per there usual business arrangements...the ninja payed in blow darts and vodka *don't ask* The contract was set and by sundown the rainbow trout was to be executed...but alas, the little b@stard took the vodka and headed for long island...just wait til i get my hands on that devil with a bad accent...so the saga continues.
...after that little bastard took off with the vodka, the ninja master went in search of a plan. To his surprise, he found it in alabama...at a strip club. He walks up to these three guys in suits and everyone of them is holding a crowbar, he politely asks the first guy "sup wich that stick in you hand, you kicking ole school ninja style"
of course these 3 distinguished gentleman were secretly ninjas taking in the sites, i believe you know their names. The ninja master, whose real name is Alex sits down with the boys, has a few drinks, and gets a lap dance.
After the the ninjas polish off a gallon of vodka, Alex tells the others of his dilemma and they agree the midget needs to die, nobody likes a theiving cicilian.
So, after much deliberation and more lap dances, the ninjas devise a plan. First, they needed some bait...nothing gets a midget going like swedish models oil wrestling. It just so happens that there was one of these events happening in michigan...saginaw to be exact. But...for this to work it has to be in the winter...where else could a midget go and blame his small package on the weather.
Next, they need to decide the exact method for the trap...the trouble came in how they wanted to kill the little P.O.S...Alex wanted to decapitate him and make a stew...the rest of the crew knew that they must hire a true assassin, one of real cunning and superb skill. Only one man could do this job, another midget. So, one of the ninjas *who will remain nameless at this time* calls a friend in long island, his price is quite reasonable, a dime bag and double whopper
They have the venue, they have the bait, and they have the assassin...now what to wear...decisions, decisions. As all good ninjas know, you must kill in a suit, so they made a side trip to Sax Fifth Avenue on the way...there was also this ace little crowbar shop right next to the whore house on wallstreet, good prices too!
They arrived in saginaw on the 4th of november, 3 days before the oil wrestling tournament. The ninja who hails from alabama...we'll call him matt, decided that the boys needed to get in a training session while they were there, so they head to the nearest hole in the wall gym they can find and train hard for like 6 hours *ninjas can't overtrain* By the time they got back to the hotel room, it became apparent it was time to eat...when in saginaw, there is only one place fit for ninjas...HOOTERS!
So of course the boys get like 5 pitchers of beer and 100 wings...they drank til 2am and passed out playing beach volleyball in the moonlight...well, they boys apparently got some good stuff cause they slept for 2 1/2 days...and damn near missed the oil wrestling.
The night of the competition approaches, the guys are ready, 3 piece suits, crowbars, and some protein bars just in case they get hungry. Well, as expected, the little bastard was in the front row with dollar bills in hand, the golden crowbar that he thieved was just peeking out of his sport coat. All of a sudden, he reaches to grab this one wrestler's *pec* and he falls in the pit, he drowns and the ninjas celebrate.
But...since the little guy from long island doesn't get paid cause he didn't knock off the cicilian, he gets pissed, steals the golden crowbar and flees to Jamaica...and the story goes on.
Previously...our heroes had just been screwed over by a little italian assassin who has taken their money, their vodka, and the golden crowbar to the bahamas...seems the little bastard has a fetish with dark skinned women...go figure.
Upon arriving on the island...matt sees this chick he knew from back in the day and runs off to go get some. The ninja master was so pissed he couldn't kill straight...so he went to the mountains for some meditation time. We now have our other two heroes just chillin on the island trying to figure out how to get the stuff back, especially the vodka.
A little background on the two heroes...the first is Glen, aka-flaming boner. Truth be told, he is a bit of an assface. Matt had found him many years ago outside a strip club in jersey...he was being beaten to death by this hooker he refused to pay... Anyways, matt took him in, educated him in the fine art of ninja-ing and he became a very competent ninja.
Our other hero...who we'll call x for now, took a much different route in his quest for ninja enlightenment. He was born into a poor family in the streets of Kiev...*where do you think the special vodka came from!* He took up the secret arts at a young age...brandished his first crowbar at the age of 9...to his mother's displeasure...it was on his father's knee. He was cast from their humble cardboard hut and took to find refuge in the church...there he learned to read, learned to control his emotions...and he learned how to pick up catholic girls...a fine skill indeed.
Back on the island...Glen and X are roaming the beaches for chicks when they stumble upon the little bastard showing the golden crowbar to some gorgeous native...he sees them and uses all the power his short, stubby little legs can muster to flee into the jungle. Instead of chasing after the little guy, Glen decides to pick up the native and go back to her hut. X is content to chill on the beach and work on his tan.
Three days pass...the Ninja Master has returned from the mountains and Matt comes back from his tryst with the hottie. The time to go midget hunting has come upon them. As our heroes tromp into the jungle, they find that the midget has dropped the vodka, X quickly throws it in his backpack. They venture deep into the jungle, in the heart of the jungle they hear much moaning and screeching...all of a sudden, they hear a high pitched shreik and a woman speaking in this horrible accent...the Ninja Master recognizes the language as french. They come upon where they heard the scream and they see the midget laying naked and dead, obviously beaten with a blunt object. While they observe the body, looking frantically for the crowbar, Matt finds a passport. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH" he cries, without asking, the Ninja Master knew that the woman who was talking was a french flight attendent. In that moment...a faint smile came upon the Ninja Master, finally he could go back to Europe, back to his homeland, back to his millenia long assault on the French...
...somewhere in Paris. The ninja master is frantically searching the streets for that damn flight attendant, without the golden crowbar he is lost, and his temperment is worse than that of a german shepherd who's just been violated by a horse. While roaming the streets, he comes upon a jewish deli, subsequently this deli is right next to one of those cheesy little french restaurants that serve bad wine and have waitresses whom you wouldn't procreate with if you were promised a swiss bank account and a nice new beamer. Anyways, while in the deli he finds they serve not only his favorite; pastrami on rye, but they also sell saki...the owner is of japanese decent, go figure. While drinking the saki and eating the sandwich, he gets an epiphany; the secret to getting back the trout is to hire a pihranna, the finest killing machine in existence!
Meanwhile, wandering near the eiffel tower, matt and his other ninja companions stumble upon this little hole in the wall bar and decide its time for a drink. When they walk in, the first thing they see is that damn flight attendant trying to trade the crowbar for a bag of coke. From out of no where they leap at the table, matt snags the crowbar, glen punches the coke dealer, and it seems that their other ninja brother is staring at this chick holding a beer. She looks up and frantically runs in his direction. "Mitch, Mitch, Mitch" she screamed his name at the top of her lungs...you'd of thought she was in a porno. They all sat down and got piss drunk, they told her the story at length and decided that they needed to get with the ninja master and divide into teams...one to kill that damn queer fish and the other team to find a suitable place to house the ninja order.
After some looting of the city and painting "frenchies suck" on the sides of the eiffle tower, our ninja heroes get together and devise the plan. Matt and Glen decide they will head to the far east to find a suitable place to set up shop. While the master and Mitch are heading to the amazon rain forest, a new alliance with the pihranna nation will be formed.
Before we come to the present, we must go back to what has happened since the tale of the ninja was last told.
It has been 10 long years since the ninjas have been spoken of. When we last spoke mitch and the ninja master were headed off to the amazon rain forest in search of the pihrana. While Glen and Majt were off to the far east to gather legions to fight the upcoming war.
First, we will tell the tale of what has happened to the master and mitch since their departure from Paris. Upon leaving the god forsaken country of france, our heroes journeyed to rain forests of south america. In the second year, our heroes were close to finding the location of the pihrana and its master, King Bitemindaass. But you see, the rainbow trout knew that the ninja would search for the pihrana and sent out assassins to kill the master and his apprentice. The assassin was brilliant, when the master and mitch had stopped in a small village outside of macchu piccu, the assassin guised herself as a barmaid. Mitch, being the testosterone driven ninja that he is, attempted to pick up the bar maid and take her to the place that he and the master set up for the night. But before he could get his groove on he wanted a massage; the assassin distracted him with a masterful massage then out of nowhere she pulled out an ice skate and slit his throat with it. She then had the ice skate in hand was going to cut up the master, but when he returned, piss drunk and angry cause he didn't get any ass, she leaped at him, he did a backflip, ripped out her asophagus and cast her to the river, immediately she was devoured by a stealth force of pihranas. The master was overjoyed, he requested of the pihranas that they take him to the king, for he was the ninja master and the time for war was upon the world. The pihranas agreed but said he must make haste, he was glad to do so but first wanted to go get mitch. Upon finding mitch's dead body he let out a shriek that could have made mariah carey sound like a bass tenor. The shriek awakened the King and the pihrana infantry was hurridly on its way to find the source of that hideous sound. They found the master weeping at the death of mitch and ready for blood. After speaking in secret the king and th master formed an alliance that would never die and the pihranas swam mitch up stream on a kayak to the mountain of fire, his body was scorched and his ashes were spread upon the amazon, ninja magic now claimed rights upon the amazon, a new army was born. For 6 long years the ninja and the pihrana fought side by side, killing homo fish and frenchman, the ocean was a huge sea of pihranas, not even the mighty hurricanes would get in there path. Pihranas lined the western borders of europe and africa, killing all who would not take up arms against the enemies of the ninja. In august of the 9th year an earthquake with magnitude unseen had shaken the earth, the ocean breathed fire and much of the pihrana armies were destroyed, and the home of the rainbow trout and the trout defenses were mystically raised 5000 feet into the air, unpenetrable by any means other than supernatural. The ninja master wept once again, not only was he stopped right at the verge of victory, but now, the one place he hated more than any other place on earth housed his mortal enemy and kept victory from his grasp, that's right, Jersey was now the capitol of the world...the horror! The small army of remaining pihranas and the master now took to the shores of Australia where they would send secret message to Majt and Glen to join them for a final battle...*now we turn to the fates of Majt and Glen*
...After leaving Paris, Majt and Glen decided they would head to Russia, they both needed the seclusion of the artic winter and the warmth of good Vodka. While in Russia they decided that building an army is not what was needed to win, as the master would gain the trust of the pihrana and soon the army of the ninja would greater than anything that has marched or swam. What was truly needed to was to hone the ninja skillz and to search out those mystical weapons lored to be cast within the base of Mt. Ninja. The location of Mt. Ninja was a secret, not even the master knew where it was located, for in the beginning the mountain and the master were created and at the time of reckoning the mountain would reveal its true nature to those who served the Ninja law and wielded the crowbar. It had been said that upon finding the soul of one's self, that the mountain would reveal itself, but only through deep meditation and perseverance would the mountain come forth. The ninjas had journeyed from russia to the caves near the summit of everest. Here they found a cavern with running water and fruit vines, the simple things that could sustain them while they found the ninja within. After 2 months Majt began to have the shakes, he was in withdrawal, the evil poison that used to be his friend now was the cause of his great pain, but he could overcome this pain, he called upon the ninjas of old and they answered, his addiction to the fire water was gone and he began to see the formations of early earth. Glen on the other hand was still struggling with his vision quest, he had forsaken the women, the liquor, the arrogance of his heart but yet he still could not see beyond the mists. Then in the summer of the 6th year of meditation, Glen heard a noise outside the cave, one of vicious beasts, he went to investigate, it was a sabertooth, this beast was supposed to have died thousands of years ago, but here was one ready to rip Glen apart, Glen reached for his crowbar and at that instant another sabertooth snuck up on him and bit off his ass, in one foul bite. Pain surged through his body and he let off a terrible screech, Majt found him and brought him back to the cave. There he propped up against the wall, Glen then passed out and fell to a deep coma. At that very second the walls of the cave lit up and Majt could see the inscriptions on the wall, it was the story of the earth, and how the great mountain would reveal itself. One ninja warrior had to give up his addiction and fight the demons, this was Majt. Another ninja would have to give a piece of his flesh to the sacred protectors, then he would fall to a deep sleep and have to use his mind and not his muscle to see the inner ninja, then and only then would the mountain reveal itself to the two warriors.
Glen was in sleep for 2 years, then finally while Majt was polishing his crowbar Glen awakened and the cave lit up like a firebomb. The mountain had awakened and they both saw the peak of Mt. Ninja and that which was right beneath it. To their amazement, Mt. Ninja stood where the province of Quebec used to be, as the mountain rose they could hear the screams of annoying little french canadians cursing the sky and then plummeting to their deaths, Michealangelo himself could not have painted a better picture. They knew what they must do, they ventured across the frozen lands to England, there they boarded a ship to Canada, the landscape of the earth had changed much since they last saw daylight, and as they approached the shores of New Brunswick they saw Jersey propelled in the air and they wept. They then ventured to Mt. Ninja, the land was deserted, for all the people of the area were frightened at the mighty mountain, which had a peak in the shape of a mask, a ninja mask. They were magically floated to the peak of the mountain, where the crowbar of time showed them all the history of the earth and their destiny of world conquest. They ventured deep into the mountain, at its base was the tomb of Master Kikemindanuts, the exiled brother of the Ninja Master, who died in old Quebec of syphillus, which he contracted from a little french maid. They entered the tomb, cast in the walls above the casket were two crowbars, mightier than any they had ever seen, they chanted words they had never heard and the crowbars came out of the mountain and into their hands, they felt a power which hadn't been felt for ten thousand years and they smiled. The base of the moutain opened and they ventured into the light, they noticed they were clothed in armor and mail, and suddenly their crowbars began to glow, a light so powerful they knew it was the sign of the great war. They saw the same glowing to the far east, it was the master. They traveled to Australia via the wings of the hawk, which never tired nor lingered, soon they were on the shores of the great country and the master was there to greet them...*finally the end has come*
...On the beaches of the fire stricken continent, the three ninjas raised there crowbars and they began to glow again, the gold stripped away from the master's crowbar and it glowed a bright blue. Majt's crowbar glowed red as flame, bright as the sun. Glen's crowbar was a mystical green glow, majestic as a mountain of emeralds.
The time had come for war, the battle lines were drawn, the trout had made their choice. Through mind control and really bad television shows the rainbow trout zombified the peoples of the earth, the once strong nations were now humbled at the fins of the homo fish. This could go on no longer, the ancients foretold the ninjas would rise...oh yes and rise they shall.
The hawk carried the ninjas to the peak of Jersey, smack dab in the middle of trenton. With glowing crowbars the people fled to the center of town, where the capitol building stood, it was in the shape of a fish, colored in the glow of the rainbow. War has come, the final battle begins.
The ninjas surrounded the building in a triangle, they raised their crowbars and chanted the words of the old ninjas...a language dead for a million years. The glass shattered, the concrete fell, all that remained was a large pool of trout. The screamed and they fired off cannons and bombs, but the power of the unified crowbars was unmatched. The master asked the trout to surrender, but they would not, they fled to an underground passage beneath the pool, and so the ninjas followed them still.
Deep beneath the city the battle waged on, at the strike of each crowbar, ten thousand trout perished. Until the ninjas came upon the foot of a giant door, with another incomprehensible chant, the ninjas beckoned the door to open and it obeyed. The sight within the cavern was one that would frighten even a blind troll. There stood the trout and behind him stood a man cloaked in armor, with a silver hood covering his visage. At once the cloak was cast off and the ninjas stood in amazement at the site of the man wearing the armor, the master's brother, was brought back from the dead.
The rainbow trout began to laugh, but at once the silver crowbar of kikemindanuts sliced the trout in two, no ninja would ever be ruled by a damn homo fish.
The final battle was at hand, in the beginning there were 4 crowbars, in the end there must be one. Both ninja masters began to fight, metal screeched and sparks flew, when it seemed as the ninja master had his brother defeated, kikemindanuts blasted his brother in the nuts with a swift crowbar assault, the master's crowbar flew to the ground near Majt and Glen, kikemindanuts then took the head of his brother and laughed at Majt and Glen.
Glen reached for the crowbar on the ground at the same time Majt did, but they grabbed it at the same time, then the ground began to shake and a bright glow cast over the two ninjas, there crowbars meshed as did their spirits, when it was done there was now one ninja white as snow with the grey crowbar in his hand, Glen and Majt were now Gajt, the warrior king prophesied to save the world at its time of need.
With one swipe of the grey crowbar kikemindanuts was vanquished and the world was once again safe. The silver crowbar joined with the grey crowbar and it was now white, it was power in its true form, never to used for foul purposes again. Jersey finally came back down to earth and the landscape returned to its true form. Mt. Ninja descended back into the ground and the people of the earth were now free. There were no more trout, but there was no need, the friend of the ninja was now the hawk. Gajt flew back to the caves of everest where he would meditate and begin to learn the old language inscribed on the cavern walls. From now on there was a new protector of the earth and he would not fail when the earth needed him.
