My ex wants to give her another chance. Can people change?

[Ulcasterdropout]

You got an arranged marriage in the US?
Where can I get one?

 

[Growth&Courage]

What bothers me most is this:
She, most likely, will never be able to get married again.
Her life would be wasted.
That's what keeps me awake at night.

In light of the information of her psychiatric disorder and the history of your marriage with her, quite frankly I can't forsee a mutually secured and a healthy relationship happening at all. I don't believe she has proven herself to be consistently capable of your ideal lady by the kinds of incoherent and rather symptomatically freakish behaviors she has engaged in.

Her attempts for another chance is of course a natural mechanism to secure a partner, breadwinner and her future but it does not necessarily entail nor guarantee the happiness from your end as well as a fulfilling relationship.

I see that you're trapped in between your highly-vowed cultural values/norms along with the deeply ingrained guilt of ruining her marriage life.

From my part, it would be nice to discover that you can sleep soundly at night without having to be sunken down by this guilt in the face of ambivalence, hope and suffering but as long as guilt continues to play and shape your perception to this whole circumstances I'm afraid you're going to be the victim regardless of whether you choose to leave or stay with her.
G&C

 

[JayC9]

you should go buy a bottle of champagne and drink the whole fuckin' thing, she's someone elses problem now

Sound advice.

She sounds like a fruitcake, you should be counting your lucky stars.

 

[bullett]

She says what I am ignoring is that she loves me.
She cooks food for me and brings over.
She says she had been in therapy and have learned her lesson.
In my culture, it would be difficult for her to get remarried. I feel guilty about it.
I do care for her.

SO, tell her that the proofs in the pudding, and you will see how things go for two or three decades and then decide....

 

[BrothaBill]

Youre still in love with her, go for it

 

[LoneTree]

Thank you very much everybody for your kind advise.
Just in case you are wondering, I made the final decision not to take her back.
She also cares a lot about money. So that is what she would get from me.
Now I would be working like a maniac to make more money, and soon.
I am trying to give karma but I am getting that 'you have given too much kirma in last 24 hours (on other threads)
Thanks again, and I highly appreciate you all to take time to read my long post, and then to give me your honest opinion. You are all very considerate people.

 

[Growth&Courage]

I am trying to give karma but I am getting that 'you have given too much kirma in last 24 hours (on other threads)
Thanks again, and I highly appreciate you all to take time to read my long post, and then to give me your honest opinion. You are all very considerate people.

no worries, I also take transferring option - just transfer say..50% ownership of your Karma to me, thanks.

 

[danielson]

She says what I am ignoring is that she loves me.
She cooks food for me and brings over.
She says she had been in therapy and have learned her lesson.
In my culture, it would be difficult for her to get remarried. I feel guilty about it.
I do care for her.

this says it all unfortunately. arranged marriages worked years ago. why?

Women had no rights and were effectivly sub-human. Fathers viewed them as a commodity to be traded in the family market, bringing wealth and what they perversely think as 'honour' (anything but)...

Women were sexually and psychologically repressed their entire lives, then got married, and were then expected to cook, clean and fuck, then later take care of the kids. period. I'm sure most of them got smacked about in the good ole days, I've heard stories and WORSE still some of them even expected it and condoned it themselves!?! Any love that was felt was either because they needed their husband as their sole provider, because they had never known true love and thus latched onto their only option in life, or they did (and i only know 1 example of this...out of an extensive pool of examples) love each other...

present day:- Living in the west, no woman should ever had to suffer that indignity. most women dont want that as they know what the alternative is...freedom, they see it everyday. however most of them are in denial and simply go into it because they are scared of their families. The likelyhood of you genuinely marrying a woman you have never met is so remote it is insane to think people genuinely expect it. Most joke about it but the inextricable fact of the matter is while women have come a long way, men still want the same things from an arranged marriage...cook, clean and fuck, then later take care of the kids. Love is a later consideration, not something men are thinking about when they see their wives for the first time, they are a piece of meat...its horrible but a pretty girl from a 'good' family is never a true prognostic indicator of personality or love.

While you feel terrible about divorcing her, lets actually break down what would have happened. she is deeply troubled. even if she wasnt, the fact that she is so beautiful means coming from the west she is more than likely to be wuite stuck up (not true of all women but....and if she's asian this is even more true). If you have kids with her you are locked like you said...and ultimately forced to live a life with a woman you never loved. While it is difficult for her to arrange a marriage again, maybe that is no bad thing, as she obviously needs a husband who has accustomed to her mental condition/state first rather than what you unfairly had to deal with (in at the deep end).

I dont know if you said but maybe you should just get engaged either of these women first and live with them for a good 2-3 years so you actually get to know them and see if you genuinely love them, if you want a arranged marriage then more power to you...Its just something i couldnt do knowing the potential consequences to your wife should you want to back out or should she get pregnant. whatever happens i hope you find someone you love and that loves you dood