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Is it too much?

confusedmushie

confusedmushie

New member
It is too much to ask for your partner's full attention while in a relationship? For the person that I am with, I give her full attention, I try to cater to just about all her needs, but it seems that is it impossible to find someone that will treat me like that.

I try to see it from different point of views. On one hand, I don't think I get enough attention and on the other, I think I am just asking for too much. I don't know what it is.

Love is so hard. I don't think I will ever be able to figure it out. I constantly feel like that I am on the short end of the stick, constantly wondering what the hell's happening. I know that the majority of my worries are from my past experiences and I need to get over it. But, it so easy said then done.

I want to trust, I want to believe, I want a perfect relationship, there are a lot of things that I want. I am capable on providing it, but I need to make sure that I am wanted for the right reasons and that I am truely loved. Is that also too much to ask?

I guess all these thoughts are coming from the fact that I got back with my ex. It is just so right, but at the same time, I don't want us to fall back into what broke us part. Pretty confused, don't know what to think. Our history had its blemishes and some are hard for me to oversee. She wants to start from total scratch and not mention about anything that's happened. But my personality is different. I am willing to overlook it for her, but I am constantly thinking about the past and hoping for answers. Answers that will let me sleep easier, answers that will enable me to let go of the past.

Hope everything works out with us. There's nothing more that I want then just to be with her and have the picture perfect family. Even though I have doubts, I do know that she's the one and that I am willing to do anything for her. I hope that she feels the same way. Been searching, been there, done that, and through all my experiences, I know that I am willing to accept any faults that she may have. I guess that is true love, when you are able to overlook someone's faults and still love her for who she is.

When I broke up with her, I knew it was a mistake, but now that we are back together, I think it was far from a mistake. We have gained so much and have learned a lot about each other. There are so many things that I took for granted, she needed the attention, but I took all that for granted. I didn't mean to lose sight of what we were looking for, but with all the problems at the time, we both lost track. I am glad that we are now back on track and are both doing what we need to do in order not only to better 'us', but also our lives.

Should I just forget about the past? I know I can't really do that, because I will always have that question in my head on why things happened the way it did and why she did certain things. I am willing to shut up and not say a word if it means that we will be able to overcome all the problems without talking about them. I am stuck. I wish I can get the questions answered, but at the same time, I know if I press the issue, it will all get blown out of propotion. What should I do? Keep in mind that she is it and I want to do what it right.

Thank you guys for the space. No flames needed.

Ian
 
You're like me, very overanalytical. I'd recommend going for what you want but at the same time, in a relationship like this you have to respect your partners needs. If she doesn't want to commit as much attention as you, you need to match that. If you are puttin in more, it will make for problems in the future. Tough situation, just don't let it get you down. Been there... it sux.
 
ZKaudio said:
You're like me, very overanalytical. I'd recommend going for what you want but at the same time, in a relationship like this you have to respect your partners needs. If she doesn't want to commit as much attention as you, you need to match that. If you are puttin in more, it will make for problems in the future. Tough situation, just don't let it get you down. Been there... it sux.
Click to expand...

Understand. It is not that she's not willing to give me the same amount of attention as I am paying her. I think the best way to put it, is that when someone's in my life, it is automatic for me to think about them first. I mean literally anything, if I am eating, I think of her, wondering if she's hungry. If I feel hot or cold, I think whether or not she's hot or cold. When I go shop, I'd get her and Lilly (her daughter) the best of the best, because I think they are only worth it, but I never tend to get myself anything and if I do, I will feel guilt. Things like that. I have NOT dated anyone that has ever put me into their life like that I have. I don't think it's wrong, just wish she could think of me as much as I think of her. With that said, I have to say again that I do know that she wants just as much as I do. I should not doubt so much, but I really can't help myself. It sucks, I think it is a sickness, because like she says, it does, at times, run my life. I don't think I can 'put in more', because I have already given her everything.

Ian
 
I guess people show there emotions and feelings in different ways......you're far more attentive, she isn't. Doesn't mean she desn't love you or care about you, she's just not as animated in showing it. Is she like that with other people? If yes, it's just a personality trait of hers.
 
vinylgroover said:
I guess people show there emotions and feelings in different ways......you're far more attentive, she isn't. Doesn't mean she desn't love you or care about you, she's just not as animated in showing it. Is she like that with other people? If yes, it's just a personality trait of hers.
Click to expand...

Know what you mean. I know that everyone's different, but at times, I just wish that she can be like me. I'd love to have someone treat me or think about me as I do her. I am not yrying to be big headed in anyway, but I do feel that I treat her as my queen, as the most important person in my life. Hope she knows.

Ian
 
dude, i'm just like you. I smother my gf's with fun. No matter what, I will buy them little things when I'm out shopping for myself. It's a curse I swear. I just bought my ex some candy I saw at the store because it was her favorite.. yes my EX.
 
ZKaudio said:
You're like me, very overanalytical. I'd recommend going for what you want but at the same time, in a relationship like this you have to respect your partners needs. If she doesn't want to commit as much attention as you, you need to match that. If you are puttin in more, it will make for problems in the future. Tough situation, just don't let it get you down. Been there... it sux.
Click to expand...

I'm overly analytical too... it sucks. Sometimes I'd just like to shut my brain off.

It's hard when you put your all into something and the other person doesn't. I see stuff I want to buy my ex all the time, but I've stopped myself from buying the things.
 
lucidBlue said:


I'm overly analytical too... it sucks. Sometimes I'd just like to shut my brain off.

It's hard when you put your all into something and the other person doesn't. I see stuff I want to buy my ex all the time, but I've stopped myself from buying the things.
Click to expand...

Please understand that it's not her not putting everything into it. I don't know that for sure, it might very well just be me, not satisfied. I've always longed to be treated like the way I would treat a girlfriend, and with that train of thought, I don't know if it's just me or not. I can go out and but her a $300 wallet, but I would feel so bad to buy a pair of jeans for $60, can never figure that out. I just know that when I do things like this, it should make her feel very special and make her understand her importance.

Ian
 
I didn't read everything, but I think I am the male version of your girlfriend. I generally don't want to see that much of my girlfriend(s), and I have had girlfriends in the past that always bought me things, wanted to see more of me, called me too much, etc.

It all comes down to the fact that I don't see relationships as important, relative to other things in my life. The girls who smothered me really valued relationships, and were searching for some kind of perfection, whatever that is.
 
You´re falling into the same trap you were before. You´re problem is that you keep trying to analyze everything too much.
 
confusedmushie said:


Please understand that it's not her not putting everything into it. I don't know that for sure, it might very well just be me, not satisfied. I've always longed to be treated like the way I would treat a girlfriend, and with that train of thought, I don't know if it's just me or not. I can go out and but her a $300 wallet, but I would feel so bad to buy a pair of jeans for $60, can never figure that out. I just know that when I do things like this, it should make her feel very special and make her understand her importance.

Ian
Click to expand...

You care more about other people than you do for yourself...

Doing nice things for those you care about makes you happy...

STOP THAT!!!!!!!!!!
 
you and your girlfriend are just different. and there is nothing you can do to change her. either accept her for who she is or try to find someone who will be more like you.

yes, you are asking for too much if you want her to be just as attentive as you. she has a different way of expressing her feelings, but that doesn't mean that she cares for you any less than you do.
 
Hi Ian,

Tough one!!

There are a couple of things going on here.

#1 I don't think that you are really being honest with yourself. Do you buy her nice things and pay her loads of attention cause you really want to or cause you expect it back in return. If you just really wanted to, then seeing her smile at the gift or the attention would be reward enough for you.

#2 She has a child. That is her FIRST priority! Not YOU!


You're such a nice guy. You really are. But if you are left with so many questions that you can't ask her, then that's a major problem. You deserve to have those questioned answered, for your peice of mind and also so that you make sure that it doesn't happen again.

Relationships are give and take. If you are constantly giving and getting nothing in return then you are a dormat and she will not respect you.

That's really all I can say. I don' t know the whole story. I don't know why you broke up in the first place.
 
plornive said:
I didn't read everything, but I think I am the male version of your girlfriend. I generally don't want to see that much of my girlfriend(s), and I have had girlfriends in the past that always bought me things, wanted to see more of me, called me too much, etc.

It all comes down to the fact that I don't see relationships as important, relative to other things in my life. The girls who smothered me really valued relationships, and were searching for some kind of perfection, whatever that is.
Click to expand...

That's not the case, I know that she's just as into me as I am into her. What it comes down to is that I wish I can have the same type of attention that I shed for others. It's all a dream that I have, because I know that everyone shows their emotionals differently. I guess I just wanted to vent. What she does do for me is plenty enough. But with the distance between us right now (Daytona Beach and Tampa), sometimes I can't help to think of the bad.

Ian
 
OuttLaw said:
You´re falling into the same trap you were before. You´re problem is that you keep trying to analyze everything too much.
Click to expand...

I totally agree with that, I am constantly thinking. But who doesn't? If anyone don't think about things that I am worried about, they are either enjoying a wonderful life, or they don't care much about the people around them.

I over analyze things, I do have to admit that, but this is my personality and it is a personality that I am trying to overcome, but it has proven to be very hard.

The most important things in my mind that I need an answer for is that she does indeed love me (I have no doubts, but I do, make that into some sense and let me know), need to know that I am the 'one', and also some answers as far as what happened in the past. I don't want to say anything about the past here on the forum, but lets put it this way, it generated a lot of questions in my head. I have no problems letting go of the past, but I need for the questions to be answered before I do so.

Ian
 
Millie said:
you and your girlfriend are just different. and there is nothing you can do to change her. either accept her for who she is or try to find someone who will be more like you.

yes, you are asking for too much if you want her to be just as attentive as you. she has a different way of expressing her feelings, but that doesn't mean that she cares for you any less than you do.
Click to expand...

I don't want to change her. See, in the past few month that we were apart, I learned that the things I saw as faults, were actually the things that I am most in love with her for. I do have things that I want her to change, but these are things that will effect our way of living. We are getting through it, I see her making every effort and that's all I need. All I know is that when we broke up, I was with different people and NONE of them were her. When we were apart, even with all the bitter thoughts in my head, I still constantly worried about her, wishing I could be there to take care of her if something was to happen, wishing she had the right person in her life at that time, so she can be treated right. These are the things that made me realize that she's always been the one. I have been with enough girls to know the difference between the right and the wrong. With all that we went through and will be going through (family, etc), I still love her and am willing to do anything for her. I think that's enough reasons why I know that she's meant for me.

Ian
 
Hey flex, long time no see!

I've been busy making up all the times we missed when we were apart, therefore I lacked a little attendence here on the forum.

I did things and bought things not to look for it in return. I loved doing it for her, I am somewhat a materilstic person (like to have good things, but don't expect people to give to me), so I do what I know I'd like to please those I love. And you are right, all I need is to see the happiness on her face and that will make my day.

Yes, she has a child and Lilly is her name. I love Lilly just as much as I love her. I think Lilly as my own and will never treat her different. I hope that will let you know that I don't expect her to overlook Lilly for me. But she can trust me with Lilly, because she is my own.

I don't want you guys to think that she doesn't give. She gives me all she's got. As I said, I am just venting. When I don't think about it, I tend to want more from her, but when I do sit down and think about everything she does do for me, I am more thankful then anyone knows.

We had some pretty shitty things happen the last time around. With that, I have some questions that I need answers for. I don't want to argue, nor do I want to do anything about it, I just need to know and have a peace of mind.

I will let you all know how it works out. I know I will try my hardest to make everything work, I am willing and I know that she's worth every bit of my effort and time.

Ian


flexygrl said:
Hi Ian,

Tough one!!

There are a couple of things going on here.

#1 I don't think that you are really being honest with yourself. Do you buy her nice things and pay her loads of attention cause you really want to or cause you expect it back in return. If you just really wanted to, then seeing her smile at the gift or the attention would be reward enough for you.

#2 She has a child. That is her FIRST priority! Not YOU!


You're such a nice guy. You really are. But if you are left with so many questions that you can't ask her, then that's a major problem. You deserve to have those questioned answered, for your peice of mind and also so that you make sure that it doesn't happen again.

Relationships are give and take. If you are constantly giving and getting nothing in return then you are a dormat and she will not respect you.

That's really all I can say. I don' t know the whole story. I don't know why you broke up in the first place.
Click to expand...
 
Ian,

I hope it all works out for you!! When Dave(husband) and I started dating I kept feeling that I loved him more than he loved me. It was very strange. I felt like this for a very long time. Then what I realized was that I needed to start concentrating more on me. That he couldn't be my world and that the only one that could ever make me happy and feel complete was me. So I started doing things again that I sort of loss interest in when we started dating like:

singing, horseback riding, playing around with the computer, reading!! I forgot how much I loved doing this stuff!

Sometimes, when I am down i still feel like that, and all I have to do is remember something wonderful that he did for me and I feel all better.

I hope I didn't offend you in anyway. Now that I know where you are coming from I understand a little bit better what you are going through!! Kisses and Hugs for sweet Ian!!! :bigkiss:
 
What I am going through is bitter and sweet. Everything's sweet and it will stay this way as long as we don't lose track of each other. Bitter, because I have a bad taste from the past that I want to forget about so badly. The sad thing is that I can't just forget it like that, I need to get the answers to the questions in my head, whether good or bad. A peace of mind is all I want.

I will make it work, I know what she needs and wants and I am capable of providing it for her. I love her too much and what she is asking for is nothing compared to that how I feel towards her.

I love her and am willing.

Ian


flexygrl said:
Ian,

I hope it all works out for you!! When Dave(husband) and I started dating I kept feeling that I loved him more than he loved me. It was very strange. I felt like this for a very long time. Then what I realized was that I needed to start concentrating more on me. That he couldn't be my world and that the only one that could ever make me happy and feel complete was me. So I started doing things again that I sort of loss interest in when we started dating like:

singing, horseback riding, playing around with the computer, reading!! I forgot how much I loved doing this stuff!

Sometimes, when I am down i still feel like that, and all I have to do is remember something wonderful that he did for me and I feel all better.

I hope I didn't offend you in anyway. Now that I know where you are coming from I understand a little bit better what you are going through!! Kisses and Hugs for sweet Ian!!! :bigkiss:
Click to expand...
 
OK well I guess I should give some kind of insight as to how I am, well in order to do that you all should know a little about my background.
when I was 19 i got pregnant and married the father of my child, this was one of the worst mistakes of my life, I should have NEVER married him, but the past is just that THE PAST. He was a very abusive person and put myself and my daughter through a lot of needless anguish, so after being married for two years I filed for divorce, I was only 22 thank god I had a supportive family, being a sinlg mom at 22 wasnt easy. The divorce was VERY long and drawn out, since he had the legal right to see my daughter ( i say shes mine cause he no longer has anything to do with her) I had to send her away once a week and everyother weekend to be with him, it wasnt until later I found out that he was doing drugs like crack in front of her, Imagine my heart ache when i found out that she was exposed to that shit?
Well i am not going to go into too much detail about what all has happened, but the past few years have not been easy at all and it has taken its toll on me physically, and menatally.

Ian,
I do love you very much, but I tend to guard myself because im so afraid of being hurt, I know you promise me that you arent going to hurt me and I do believe that, but I have built a "wall" up to make sure that I dont get hurt because I have a little girl to raise, what is she going to think if she sees he mom always emotional? Will she think its ok to let people hurt you? In the same aspect i know that I need to give her a good example on how to love someone, that is what I am working towards, just be paitent please.
 
OMG!! This is so beautiful! It's bringing tears to my eyes. I pray that both of you find happiness and that all your dreams come true. I believe that through love, everything is possible!!!

Punkgirl,

Ian is a catch!!!! Look at how he puts himself out on a limb to all of us, for you! It's not very easy.

You sound like a wonderful women. Good luck guys!!!! If you need any advice from someone a tiny bit older and maybe a bit wiser, please pm me!!!
 
Thanks flexygrl, tried to karma ya, but it won't let me, it says that I have to share, what the hell is share?

The only thing that I have to say about punkgirl's reply is that - You told me yourself that we should not live in the past. If that's the case, then it's not right for you to put up the so-called 'wall', because of something that happened in the past. If I am not the person that you are looking for, then you'd not be back in my life right now. You want me to trust you, well, it is time for you to put down this wall. The biggest problem that we had was that we were not able to communicate and talk to each other. With this wall up, there's no way you will be able to open yourself up. With all that I have on the line (that others don't know off), why don't you give me the benefit of the doubt. I think it's only right, since you are my family and the love of my life.

Ian



flexygrl said:
OMG!! This is so beautiful! It's bringing tears to my eyes. I pray that both of you find happiness and that all your dreams come true. I believe that through love, everything is possible!!!

Punkgirl,

Ian is a catch!!!! Look at how he puts himself out on a limb to all of us, for you! It's not very easy.

You sound like a wonderful women. Good luck guys!!!! If you need any advice from someone a tiny bit older and maybe a bit wiser, please pm me!!!
Click to expand...
 
Ai-ish-de-lou

Wo-ai-ni

How's that for a come back! HA

What else do you have to say........besides, I like ham sandwiches.

Ian


punkgirl said:
Ian,

All I can say is that I cheese sandwich you and only you and that is all that matters.
Click to expand...
 
Hello, this type of thread does not belong here, please take it to 'Between the Sheets'.

But if you are sure you want to be a part of my spanking, I have not problems with it. But you must admit, that was so...........unoriginal.

Ian

punkgirl said:
oh go spank your monkey.... or better yet let me
Click to expand...
 
ok from mister unoriginal himself.... looking like a typical Asian, blonde highlights with 100 gallons of gel.....LMAO JK Love you
 
She is wonderful. With all the shit she's put me through, look at me, I am still head over heals for her. I am serious though, she is so wonderful (when she wants to be), I don't think I will ever find anyone that will be close to what she is. I think I am a very lucky guy.

Ian


flexygrl said:
You sound like a wonderful women. Good luck guys!!!! If you need any advice from someone a tiny bit older and maybe a bit wiser, please pm me!!!
Click to expand...
 
Sorry, my highlights are not like those viet cons. You know what I am talking abot. Besides that, you know it's not the hair that counts. OH, I am the typical Asian? What Asian have you seen that's 6'1, 230lbs, with a big package ( = 30lbs)?

Ian


punkgirl said:
ok from mister unoriginal himself.... looking like a typical Asian, blonde highlights with 100 gallons of gel.....LMAO JK Love you
Click to expand...
 
confusedmushie said:
Sorry, my highlights are not like those viet cons. You know what I am talking abot. Besides that, you know it's not the hair that counts. OH, I am the typical Asian? What Asian have you seen that's 6'1, 230lbs, with a big package?

Ian
Click to expand...

Ok Ian LEARN THE LANGUAGE BUD.... its about not abot.... LOL ITS ALL GOOD BABY!
 
Hey, when you get your translation certification in Chinese, English, Arabic, and Japanese, then we can talk about LEARN THE LANGUAGE.

Ian


punkgirl said:


Ok Ian LEARN THE LANGUAGE BUD.... its about not abot.... LOL ITS ALL GOOD BABY!
Click to expand...
 
flexygrl said:
PG,

Thanks for the Karma? How's it going, so far?
Click to expand...

Hey, we are doing really good. Punkgirl and Lilly are spending the weekend with me here in Tampa and it's going real well right now.

All the doubts that I was talking about, seems to have all gone out of the window with her being here next to me. No more worries until she leaves after the weekend............

The only bad thing about the weekend is that Lilly and I are both a little sick with a flu.

Ian
 
flexygrl said:
PG,

Thanks for the Karma? How's it going, so far?
Click to expand...

Flexy,

Things are still going great, we have learned how to communicate with eachother on a whole different level, we are able to talk like best friends( which he is my best friend ) and we have been able to share our feelings and experiences with out any dramma, its great I love talking to him even though I may act like I want to puke when he talks about the girl he dated, its all just fun.
 
punkgirl said:


Flexy,

Things are still going great, we have learned how to communicate with eachother on a whole different level, we are able to talk like best friends( which he is my best friend ) and we have been able to share our feelings and experiences with out any dramma, its great I love talking to him even though I may act like I want to puke when he talks about the girl he dated,
Click to expand...

Oh, you mean the "relationship"?
 
LOL Its all good, to be honest we were boht in what I would call 'realtionships' I say it like that cause it was not as serious as we ever were/are. I guess basically we were just dating.....how ever that goes im not too sure.......cause we only dated like one or two ppl each.... whatever...
 
punkgirl said:
LOL Its all good, to be honest we were boht in what I would call 'realtionships' I say it like that cause it was not as serious as we ever were/are. I guess basically we were just dating.....how ever that goes im not too sure.......cause we only dated like one or two ppl each.... whatever...
Click to expand...

Well you guys handled the ribbing very well and that is an excellent sign. Good luck both of you.
 
anabolicmd said:


Well you guys handled the ribbing very well and that is an excellent sign. Good luck both of you.
Click to expand...

What does 'ribbing' mean? I am not too familiar with this word.

We did both date other people. I know I can say this for myself, I thought it was 'done' between PG and I. I knew I still loved her, but didn't think that we'd get back together. It took me about 2 month before I started to date again. Had a few girls hit on me, but they never were 'good' enough, I always had an excuse for not liking them. The ones that I did have interest in, didn't last long. I was dating a girl before PG and I started to talk, but as soon as PG and I agreed to get back together, I ended it with the other girl, so she didn't mean much either.

Ian
 
I didn't think it was possible but this thread has gotten more gay since the first page.

It's super duper that you crazy kids are in love- keep it to phone, pm, im, homing pigeon, whatever.... there's no reason to blab about it on an open board.

I'm sure your love will last forever- we don't need to hear about it.
 
This thread belongs on The Oprah Show message boards.
 
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