Is he straight?

[HansNZ]

I have a question:

If you are a really stunning looking straight guy would it be normal for you to have only had one brief (i.e. 3 week) relationship in the 3 to 4 years someone has known you?

Even if you were painfully shy is it not likely you'd still have had some girlfriends in that time if you were interested in the opposite sex, especially if you were exceptionally attractive?

There are plenty of shy people around, but they still have boyfriends and girlfriends in my observation. He seems to have quite low self-esteem, but not about his appearance it seems. He was voted by a large group of women to be Mr November in a 2002 calendar full of spunky guys.

What are your opinions about this? Am I reading something into this situation which isn't really there?

 

[casavant]

Who knows? Sounds kind of strange though.

 

[cure]

I'm a good looking guy but never really wanted to approach women for the fact that i thought i would seems like i was coming on too hard so i always stayed away. Thing is, in the last 10 years women have learned to approach men first. That's how i met all my girlfriends. They'd either approach me or a friend would hook us up by breaking the ice by telling me she found me good-looking.

 

[HansNZ]

when you're good looking you do get women approaching you methinks. I've had females ask me who my gorgeous friend is, so I would imagine he must get plenty of attention from women. He's only 23 so unless he is highly satisfied masturbating I would have thought he'd want to dabble from time to time, but he's always single.

 

[Warik]

Just because he's been single for a long time and hasn't had many girlfriends doesn't mean he's not straight.

Living proof right here.

-Warik

 

[Stryc-9]

Well I am not very good looking myself....in fact I am downright offensive to look at....but as for your friend....everyone knows that masturbation is better than sex....for a variety of reasons that we are all aware of....

 

[casavant]

Well I am not very good looking myself....in fact I am downright offensive to look at....but as for your friend....everyone knows that masturbation is better than sex....for a variety of reasons that we are all aware of....

Less hassle, yes. Better, no.

 

[kdmfinn]

gay

Either he's gay or in denial or confused. That's my opinion.

 

[FreakMonster]

Just because he's been single for a long time and hasn't had many girlfriends doesn't mean he's not straight.

Living proof right here.

-Warik

Warick are you sure your not gay? Your mom says there's been some fishy stuff going on with you lately.

 

[HansNZ]

Just because he's been single for a long time and hasn't had many girlfriends doesn't mean he's not straight.

Living proof right here.

-Warik

It's not that he hasn't had many girlfriends, he doesn't seem to have had any. The 3 week thing which is the only "relationship" we know of that he has ever had sounds like it was nothing more than a few dates. It seems he ended it about the time that they would start having sex.

I tried to set him up with a girl I know but he was really awkward about it. That in itself means nothing I know, she just may not have been his type, but it seems it made him very uneasy. I may be imagining things, but I think not.

A buddy of mine got the impression that he might be gay when he first met him. He doesn't "seem" gay to me, but I realise that despite the stereotype, 80% of gay guys aren't gay acting, and you can't tell most of the time, people just think they can.

Plenty of straight guys can be single for a long time, but not usually when they look like him. He seems to have no past relationship that anyone knows about that has "damaged" him which could otherwise be an explanation for his eternal singleness. His best friend hasn't even seen him go off and have any one night stands with any women.

What gives?

 

[Warik]

Well, I wasn't in a relationship till I was 17, which lasted only 4-5 weeks. Afterwards, I had not been in a relationship until 2 months 1 week 10 hours 31 minutes and 41 seconds ago. Still in it now and very happy.

The situations are somewhat comparable, don't you think? I haven't gone off and had any one night stands with any women because I consider such women to be trashy whores and I don't want anything to do with him. Maybe he has the same sense of morality and self-respect that I do, or maybe he is a flaming homosexual.

Not saying he's can't be gay - just saying that it's not the only possible explanation.

-Warik

 

[HansNZ]

hmmm, but what do you think is more likely - that he shares your situation, or that he's gay?

btw, did you have sex during the time you were single?

Not meaning to preach but there is nothing wrong with casual sex and women who have casual sex if they do so safely unless you believe there is something wrong with sex. Sex is perfectly natural and normal and I don't think you need to be in a relationship to justify it unless you think there is something impure about it. If so you'd likely believe that you need to have a really good "excuse" to do it because it is so dirty.

It's interesting that guys who have a lot of sex are considered studs, but women who do the same are considered sluts. This Bulgarian guy I know said women in my country were hoars because they'd have sex with you on the second date. He didn't seem to consider himself a hoar for having sex with them though.

 

[NYguy]

Hans, it sounds to me like you want him to be gay. I take it your gay yourself?

You have no right to even question your friends sexuality, there could be plenty of other reasons why he hasn't had a girlfriend.(e.g. shyness, morality, low self-esteem, embarassing problemthat would stop him wanting sex..)

I think you should just drop the subject. Maybe he is gay, but still..its not really any of your business whether your a friend or not.

 

[flexed1]

Coming from one if he is dressed in designer, tan, built, has a clean car, talks about his mom he is probaly gay. Not that straight men don't do that but they are called closets. And Warik I though you said you where gay? Now I am confused.

 

[Gorlim]

are most of his friends woman???? If he is akward around woman chances are he is not gay. If he is very comfortable with woman maybe he is cuz it would like a guy meeting a guy.. where as sometimes a guy meets a girl he likes and he may get nervous a guy meeting a guy shouldnt really give a rats ass.

 

[Bullit]

He sounds like a buddy of mine. No girlfriends, no sex. My buddy isnt super hot, but hes not a dog. Hes succesful (in terms of moola). but get this... hes' 31 !!!!!!!!
THIRTY-F'IN- ONE!!!!!
He likes chicks (it seems), has gone on a couple dates but NEVER scores.

poor, poor guy.

 

[gorilla_boy]

Coming from one if he is dressed in designer, tan, built, has a clean car, talks about his mom he is probaly gay. Not that straight men don't do that but they are called closets. And Warik I though you said you where gay? Now I am confused.

Wow, seems that I'm queer by your accounting!

You learn something new every day...

 

[kiwi]

Hans

There is a good chance that he is gay, unless he has very high moral standards (which you would be aware of, being his friend).
As for shyness, many guys lose all inhibitions and have casual sex when drunk or high, and he doesn't seem to have done that.
And you haven't mentioned that he has ever gone to a massage parlour or anything.

Hans, would it worry you if you found out, or he told you, that he was gay? If he is indeed in the closet, he will obviously have many issues and possibly inner turmoil.

 

[flexed1]

 

[HansNZ]

Thanks for the feedback guys. It seems that most of you think he probably isn't gay, right? Have I understood you correctly?

 

[Warik]

Coming from one if he is dressed in designer, tan, built, has a clean car, talks about his mom he is probaly gay. Not that straight men don't do that but they are called closets. And Warik I though you said you where gay? Now I am confused.

Uh... no. And I do all of that stuff you just mentioned.

You're gay, dude... you should know a non-homo when you see one. What's up with that?

-Warik

 

[musclebrains]

I have to ask: Why do you care?

And my second question is: Why are you asking us instead of him?

 

[Warik]

I have to ask: Why do you care?

Good point.

And my second question is: Why are you asking us instead of him?

Better point.

-Warik

 

[Taps]

I doubt he's gay.

Personally, I'm very private about my love life. Some things I just prefer to keep to myself. Your bud is likely the same way.

 

[HansNZ]

I have to ask: Why do you care?

And my second question is: Why are you asking us instead of him?

hehe, I am asking what you guys think first so that I can avoid embarrassing myself and him if at all possible.

 

[Latimer]

Try to suck his dick. If he let's you, he's definately a fag.

 

[NYguy]

Dont ask your friend. If he were gay and wanted you to know, then he'd tell you.

If you ask him and hes not gay, that'll really piss him off.

 

[68GT350]

If you're hetero, it's time for the ol' "check to see if my bud is a flamer" test. Simply reach down and grab his balls. If he jumps and smiles, he's gay. If he jumps and slugs you on the jaw, he's hetero. If he doesn't jump, then he's got a problem with his balls and you know why he's not hittin on chicks.

 

[HansNZ]

i'm not simply being nosey, I do have good reasons for wondering about this. I have recieved vibes which suggest he may be gay but is hesitant about coming forward about it. I am asking for people's opinions because I don not want to destroy a friendship or embarrass him if I take the initiative.

 

[68GT350]

i'm not simply being nosey, I do have good reasons for wondering about this. I have recieved vibes which suggest he may be gay but is hesitant about coming forward about it. I am asking for people's opinions because I don not want to destroy a friendship or embarrass him if I take the initiative.

Plus, it's good to know if you need to be scared if you're getting changed around him, like in a locker room.

 

[musclebrains]

Try to suck his dick. If he let's you, he's definately a fag.

I'm afraid that's a very inaccurate test.

 

[musclebrains]

i'm not simply being nosey, I do have good reasons for wondering about this. I have recieved vibes which suggest he may be gay but is hesitant about coming forward about it. I am asking for people's opinions because I don not want to destroy a friendship or embarrass him if I take the initiative.

Are you gay? I think you've been asked this before. If you are gay and open about it and ask him, he's not going to be offended, whichever orientation he is.

If you are straight, I can't imagine why his sex life is of any interest to you.

 

[flexed1]

why do so many of the "straight" members here always answer posts about gays? Hmmmm

 

[gorilla_boy]

why do so many of the "straight" members here always answer posts about gays? Hmmmm

I answer because I don't think that there's anything wrong with being gay and I think that acceptance of it by the homophobic will come quicker if hetrosexual males who don't feel threatened set a good example for those who fear the queer.

 

[flexed1]

GB my post was a joke and yours was very well thought out and well said. Being a gay male myself my hats off to ya for your views.

 

[MP5]

I think he is gay, it is very abnormal for a male in his 20's to not want to bang women. So he is probably banging dudes and you just don't know about it. Humans are social animals, and they still have the instinct to fuck things.

Warik, you are gay? bummer...

 

[kiwi]

You don't want to embarrass him if you take the initiative. Well, there's no reason to ask him. Just be a friend and support him. If he's not gay, he'll possibly be pissed at you that you suggested it. If he's gay, there are many reasons he might not want to tell you. If you really are accepting of him, it's easy enough to bring up in conversation that you have positive views about gayness.

It is up to him. I guess that you are trying to make it easy for him,but he'll tell you in his own good time if he wants to.

Thhis is an interesting thread, but you have left us with unanswered questions. Are you gay yourself? Why are you concerned about his sexuality?

 

[Frackal]

Maybe he's into chickens

 

[gorilla_boy]

Maybe he's into chickens

LOL

Frackal: always succinct

You know, the people around here really make my day sometimes...

 

[JohnnyO]

Maybe he's into chickens

That's disturbing coming from KFC boy.

 

[68GT350]

11 original herbs and spices can't be wrong.

 

[Warik]

Warik, you are gay? bummer...

Uh, no.

-Warik

 

[musclebrains]

Uh, no.

-Warik

So, you are in the closet?

 

[Warik]

So, you are in the closet?

Deceptive question.

If I respond yes, that would imply that I am gay but not open about it.

If I respond no, that would imply that I am gay and open about it.

Fortunately for me, I am not gay, and thus, the answer to that question is: "Sorry, I'm not gay."

-Warik

 

[danielson]

Deceptive question.

If I respond yes, that would imply that I am gay but not open about it.

If I respond no, that would imply that I am gay and open about it.

Fortunately for me, I am not gay, and thus, the answer to that question is: "Sorry, I'm not gay."

-Warik

be a politician.....id love to see a reporter ask you a question and you go

'deceptive question.....talk to the hand'...

 

[HansNZ]

You don't want to embarrass him if you take the initiative. Well, there's no reason to ask him. Just be a friend and support him. If he's not gay, he'll possibly be pissed at you that you suggested it. If he's gay, there are many reasons he might not want to tell you. If you really are accepting of him, it's easy enough to bring up in conversation that you have positive views about gayness.

It is up to him. I guess that you are trying to make it easy for him,but he'll tell you in his own good time if he wants to.

Thhis is an interesting thread, but you have left us with unanswered questions. Are you gay yourself? Why are you concerned about his sexuality?

yes, I am gay. I sense the possibility of a mutual attraction but I don't want to create an awkward situation by reading the signals wrong. I don't usually make a habit of hitting on my friends.

I commend the straight guys who are responding to this thread. Even though (in my experience) straight guys are a bit dumb about such issues (although my straight male friends always claim how much straight men are on to it when it comes to gay men, LOL), I do appreciate your opinions. Homophobia is 80% a by-product of sexual insecurity anyway, so straight men responding to such threads are just illustrating that they are well-adjusted.

btw Warik, why are you making such an effort to assert how heterosexual you are?

 

[kiwi]

I'm not a rocket scientist, but I assume that he doesn't know that you're gay.

Maybe he's started his own thread somewhere in cyberspace about you and your sexuality.

Hey, take care.

 

[HansNZ]

No, actually I think he is 90% sure I am gay. It is for that reason that I think I have picked up gay vibes from him. If I am reading the situation correctly there is mutual attraction but he is hesitant to come forward. I only met him six months ago, just before he went away to the USA for three months. So it is only in the last 3 months since he came back that I have got to know him well.

One of my buddies is his best friend. Mutual friends have told me that my buddy has speculated about my sexual orientation in conversations with them, and that they think I am probably gay (but aren't quite sure). I'd confirm this if they asked me, but they haven't. I am not in the closet but I don't advertise either. If my buddy's friend is guarded about his own sexuality then publicly announcing the fact of my own homosexuality to them all is likely to backfire on me I think.

 

[HansNZ]

Someone said earlier on in this thread that it sounds like I want him to be gay. That is what is worrying me. Maybe I want him to be gay so I am interpreting everything to that end.

On the other hand my intuitions have always served me well and perhaps I should just trust my instincts. My instincts tell me that there is a mutual attraction but he is perhaps unexperienced with interractions of a homosexual nature.

GOD! It is so much easier to be straight!

 

[Warik]

btw Warik, why are you making such an effort to assert how heterosexual you are?

I'm not making an effort. I'm merely stating fact in order to inform those who are misinformed.

-Warik

 

[HansNZ]

I'm not making an effort. I'm merely stating fact in order to inform those who are misinformed.

-Warik

But why does it matter?

 

[Warik]

But why does it matter?

... because I'm not gay, perhaps?

-Warik

 

[HansNZ]

Well people constantly think I am Dutch because I look so stereotypically Dutch and have a Dutch sounding name (Hans). In reality I don't have a drop of Dutch blood in me, yet I don't see the need to make repeated efforts to ensure no one thinks I am of Dutch origin. I don't see that it matters.

I think you are being so defensive about people thinking you are gay because either you have a problem with homosexuality or you have something to hide.

just my 2 cents

Anyway, let's get this thread back on topic. Any more suggestions anyone re: my dilemma?

 

[Warik]

Anyway, let's get this thread back on topic. Any more suggestions anyone re: my dilemma?

I agree, Alfred. Let's get back on topic.

-Warik

 

[musclebrains]

Someone said earlier on in this thread that it sounds like I want him to be gay. That is what is worrying me. Maybe I want him to be gay so I am interpreting everything to that end.

On the other hand my intuitions have always served me well and perhaps I should just trust my instincts. My instincts tell me that there is a mutual attraction but he is perhaps unexperienced with interractions of a homosexual nature.

GOD! It is so much easier to be straight!

Hans, maybe it's different in NZ -- incredibly beautiful country, by the way -- but here if a straight man is good friends with a gay man, he's not going to get bent out of shape by that question. My guess is that your attraction to him is the real issue. Would it be awful if he said, yeah, I'm gay, but, no, I don't wanna sleep with you?

 

[HansNZ]

Hans, maybe it's different in NZ -- incredibly beautiful country, by the way -- but here if a straight man is good friends with a gay man, he's not going to get bent out of shape by that question. My guess is that your attraction to him is the real issue. Would it be awful if he said, yeah, I'm gay, but, no, I don't wanna sleep with you?

Straight guys here are usually quite easy going about gay guys. No big hang ups (usually). I think this is because we don't have the large number of Christian fundamentalists that the USA has trying to turn people against us. Even Christians here aren't notably homophobic.

I hesitate to be too forthcoming for the simple fact that suspecting I am gay and knowing for certain are often quite different things. This is doubly so if he knows that I am gay AND having lustful thoughts about him. This usually makes straight guys uncomfortable.

If he was gay but not attracted to me then I would be disappointed, but I would accept it. I doubt that this is likely though.

btw, if you want to see some good New Zealand scenery go and see Lord of the Rings. Despite the American accents and a few well known US actors it is actually a NZ film. (Americans seem to prefer films with people with American accents, and since they are the largest market, their preferences win out. NZ TV programmes like Xena and Hercules are another example of this).

 

[musclebrains]

Straight guys here are usually quite easy going about gay guys. No big hang ups (usually). I think this is because we don't have the large number of Christian fundamentalists that the USA has trying to turn people against us. Even Christians here aren't notably homophobic.

I hesitate to be too forthcoming for the simple fact that suspecting I am gay and knowing for certain are often quite different things. This is doubly so if he knows that I am gay AND having lustful thoughts about him. This usually makes straight guys uncomfortable.

If he was gay but not attracted to me then I would be disappointed, but I would accept it. I doubt that this is likely though.

btw, if you want to see some good New Zealand scenery go and see Lord of the Rings. Despite the American accents and a few well known US actors it is actually a NZ film. (Americans seem to prefer films with people with American accents, and since they are the largest market, their preferences win out. NZ TV programmes like Xena and Hercules are another example of this).

Mkay, I thought he knew you were gay for certain. That puts a different spin on it. Confessing your sexuality and your lust at once to someone who's not out are guaranteed to make him uncomfortable. Take cold showers.

Yeah, I'm familiar with New Zealand's laid back attitudes. A gay friend immigrated there to head the psy dept. at a university and another friend and her husband are in the middle of moving there too.

 

[Punschkrapfen]

I think he is gay, it is very abnormal for a male in his 20's to not want to bang women.

maybe. But wouldn't it be possible that the media generates a picture of a hypersexual world where in reality it is only a minority programme?
i can relate to this guy not having any girlfriends. Of course i've never been elected Mr. <insert month> <insert year> of <insert city, country, gym, etc.>. So i have to make an effort too. I've head relationships in my teens and early twenties, but it was more a thing of that the other dudes had gfs, so i had to have a gf too and not because i needed or wanted one. I was only a big hassle and brought me zilch, i only wasted time.
Today i have a dissertation to complete, have a job as a programmer, a second job as a teacher in programming and accounting, i am hitting the gym 5 times a week, play computer games, compile mp3-CDs and need to sleep a lot. If i could extend the day i would study chemistry or medicine, start a business, give aerobic classes, etc. Having a gf would be nowhere on the list. I just don't care. And if people think i am gay because of that, i don't care either. Maybe that's not normal, but who wants to consider himself "normal" anyway?

 

[HansNZ]

Mkay, I thought he knew you were gay for certain. That puts a different spin on it. Confessing your sexuality and your lust at once to someone who's not out are guaranteed to make him uncomfortable. Take cold showers.

Yeah, I'm familiar with New Zealand's laid back attitudes. A gay friend immigrated there to head the psy dept. at a university and another friend and her husband are in the middle of moving there too.

Where do you live? I assume you're not American. Its unusual to find an American who knows of NZ. You sound European. NZ is a nice place to live, however europeans (especially the Dutch and Germans) have a tendency to view NZ/Australia through rose coloured glasses.

As for the object of my lust, I think I need to sit back and allow the situation to unfold. I have found that when I am strongly attracted to someone they eventually work it out, no matter how hard I try to hide it. If it's meant to be it will be.

I think he may be in the process of trying to sus me out too. On the other hand, all of this could be in my head and he was out all weekend shagging women (which doesn't mean he's straight), and enjoying it (which means he is straight).

 

[HansNZ]

maybe. But wouldn't it be possible that the media generates a picture of a hypersexual world where in reality it is only a minority programme?
i can relate to this guy not having any girlfriends. Of course i've never been elected Mr. <insert month> <insert year> of <insert city, country, gym, etc.>. So i have to make an effort too. I've head relationships in my teens and early twenties, but it was more a thing of that the other dudes had gfs, so i had to have a gf too and not because i needed or wanted one. I was only a big hassle and brought me zilch, i only wasted time.
Today i have a dissertation to complete, have a job as a programmer, a second job as a teacher in programming and accounting, i am hitting the gym 5 times a week, play computer games, compile mp3-CDs and need to sleep a lot. If i could extend the day i would study chemistry or medicine, start a business, give aerobic classes, etc. Having a gf would be nowhere on the list. I just don't care. And if people think i am gay because of that, i don't care either. Maybe that's not normal, but who wants to consider himself "normal" anyway?

Good for you. It's nice to see someone well adjusted enough to realise they are complete without a partner. So many people form co-dependent relationships with other people by feeling that they can't be single. It's incredible how many people I know are hardly ever single. Someone will split up with someone and they'll always have a new bf/gf within a month. How is it possible to meet so many "right" people so quickly and frequently??? It isn't, they just can handle being alone.

I have been single for a few years now. I live in a relatively small city and I am kinda fussy about men so suitable partners don't turn up that often. I think you will find that if you aren't actively looking for someone, and don't feel you need someone to complete you, then you will be more discerning and choose a more suitable partner when/if the right person does appear.

 

[nikolai_bolkov]

One of my buddies is his best friend. Mutual friends have told me that my buddy has speculated about my sexual orientation in conversations with them, and that they think I am probably gay (but aren't quite sure). I'd confirm this if they asked me, but they haven't. I am not in the closet but I don't advertise either. If my buddy's friend is guarded about his own sexuality then publicly announcing the fact of my own homosexuality to them all is likely to backfire on me I think.

Funny group of friends you have. Noone seems to know anything about anyone. lol

 

[HansNZ]

Well I have only known this group of people for 6 months. My friend seems to think the guy in question is fussy about women and that explains the absence of girlfriends. I doubt my friend has given this much thought. I am keeping my suspicions to myself.

They haven't asked me about my sexual orientation and I haven't told them. I think issues of sexuality is subject matter where people keep a lot of secrets, even from people they know well. I don't see anything unusual here.

 

[musclebrains]

Where do you live? I assume you're not American. Its unusual to find an American who knows of NZ. You sound European. NZ is a nice place to live, however europeans (especially the Dutch and Germans) have a tendency to view NZ/Australia through rose coloured glasses.

I are American. But, yes, it definitely seems to me that the people I know see NZ with rose-colored glasses. They typically describe it as America of the 50s but without the meanness and paranoia. I'm not sure NZ doesn't do a lot to promote its own image as a paradise, though. My friends who are planning to emigrate there couldn't do it if they weren't wealthy, owing to the country's requirement that immigrants have a spectacular load of cash before moving in (at least this is what they tell me).

I've spent no time in NZ but some in Australia. People in both countries are much more interested than Americans in some of the more radical forms of psychology -- as is South America. (Weirdly, a lot of my email about my work comes from Australia.) It's another example of the way we Americans think of ourselves as on top of everything but in actuality tend to be only when the topic pertains to something concrete and practical.

 

[HansNZ]

Yikes! I assure you NZ is NOT like the USA in the 1950s. That sort of implies we are a bit backward, conservative, and living in the past.

Another thing: we are not all farmers. In fact NZ is one of the most urbanised countries in the world. Kiwis are city dwellers. We have a large farming sector, but it is largely automated these days and doesn't employ a very large portion of the labour force.

Yes, it is hard to migrate to NZ. You either have to have a large amount of money to invest or some sort of outstanding qualifications. We had a flood of immigrants from the Pacific Islands in the 1960s, 70s, and 80s, and while they are still welcome if they meet the criteria, the government seems to be trying to get more skilled immigrants in these days.

 

[HansNZ]

Warick are you sure your not gay? Your mom says there's been some fishy stuff going on with you lately.

LOL

 

[musclebrains]

Yikes! I assure you NZ is NOT like the USA in the 1950s. That sort of implies we are a bit backward, conservative, and living in the past.

Nah, that's not what they mean. They mean it is comparatively low-crime, prosperous, etc.