i'm angry.

[stilleto]

at my father.


for dying.

i'm mad that he had to die when he wasn't working, wasn't speaking to me, wasn't setting any rules for his boys, wasn't making up for the years he was in prison. I'm mad that he held ME accountable for my mom being on the run and couldn't ever QUITE let it go, and then the only thing he DID leave me were twins I didn't know and couldn't take care of and a million social workers trying to convince me otherwise.

I'm mad that I have had to deal with the guilt of only taking in one of the twins, of having a half brother I barely know and can't relate to. I'm mad that after I decided to only have 2 kids, my dead, perpetually stoned, super creative and artistic, genius, amazing father leaves me with two more because at 59 he still couldn't grow up.

I'm mad that my house is filled with his stuff he's collected from around the world and I both love it all and hate it all and i'm mad that my brother thinks he's taking any of it when he leaves. I'm mad that he left me with his legend and any time i do ANYTHING devious, i hear "like father like daughter, eh?" while i'm busy driving his son around, cooking, cleaning, shopping, caring for, talking to, checking on. while i'm busy going to court and hiring lawyers and paying fees.

fuck.
sorry. its been a slightly overwhelming week with both of them here.

i'll probably re-read this in a few minutes and not feel any of it and delete the whole thread.

 

[Raptorex]

i'm sorry, prayers go out to you.

 

[gotmilk]

put them to work mowing the lawn and feeding the bear

 

[velvett]

 

[Behemoth]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Being angry is completely, 100% Ok. It is natural that you feel that way.

 

[puddlemonkey]

I'm sorry, hopefully things will work out for the best in the end.

 

[stilleto]

I'm sorry, hopefully things will work out for the best in the end.

thanks.
this actually is the end, in the sense that he died 3 years ago and what my life is now is the end result.

sorry i vented- it was a day of driving teenagers around and feeding and cleaning and something triggered this burst of anger at my father for leaving me with this life without having been in mine when he could have.

 

[fistfullofsteel]

 

[gotmojo]

Chin up, muffin......................................chin up.

 

[stilleto]

thanks guys. i'll be fine.

 

[needtogetaas]

you will get threw this and move on.you're a strong person.

 

[Gambino]

it sounds like your dad would've been a fun guy to know
pirate esque

 

[the_clockwork]

buck up, I'm here!

 

[300lbs of get down]

stay strong. I'm proud of you.

 

[Mavafanculo]

you should post a boobvatar.

it wont do anything to make you feel better, but the guys will like it.

(check if she's smiling, so I know if I need to run or not )

 

[ortiz34]

 

[stilleto]

it sounds like your dad would've been a fun guy to know
pirate esque

thanks everyone.

yes, my father was definately interesting. He knew a lot of famous people, he traveled all over the world, he stood before the supreme court, he wore designer clothes, dated women half his age, and got high from morning til night. he didn't like me telling him that he really needed to get a real job though and raise his kids in a better environment. so he stopped talking to me and died.

usually, everything is fine, the last few days were just a bit much with both boys here, and it got to me. I ended up having some of those thoughts you wish you didn't have about the people you love.

 

[jh1]

Hey sweetie, keep ur head up.

 

[FriendlyCanadian]

I hope you feel better, and have an awesome day tomorrow and that something amazing and totally unexpected happens that makes your day and week alot brighter.

sidenote since this is probably the only thread I'm going to read today, I'm mad that puddlemonkey took me out of his signature.. or is that just the sound of my heart breaking..

feel better stilleto you're super amazing, and I know you're gonna be just fine, have a good day tomorrow. =)

 

[nefertiti]

No need to apologize for venting. Sometimes it just feels good to write it out.

 

[stilleto]

I hope you feel better, and have an awesome day tomorrow and that something amazing and totally unexpected happens that makes your day and week alot brighter.

sidenote since this is probably the only thread I'm going to read today, I'm mad that puddlemonkey took me out of his signature.. or is that just the sound of my heart breaking..

feel better stilleto you're super amazing, and I know you're gonna be just fine, have a good day tomorrow. =)

thanks.

i got a better handle on what was really making me so mad.

 

[b0und]

You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.

I would have liked to have met your dad, stoned in front of the supreme court, that's something alright.

Maybe the only reason for your dad's life is to teach YOU a lesson?

You seem to have a pretty good handle on your own life, plus looking after his responsibilities, so I'd say you have learnt whatever lesson there was in your dad's life and untimely departure.



b0und (I wish my family was as interesting, but no.....)

 

[Scotsman]

It's ironic but it's always the ones we should love the most that we feel the most anger towards.

"Buck up little camper, tomorrow's another day"- Bullwynkle

Cheers,
Scotsman

 

[puddlemonkey]

sidenote since this is probably the only thread I'm going to read today, I'm mad that puddlemonkey took me out of his signature.. or is that just the sound of my heart breaking..

lolo well get somethikng back to replce it with. tomorro thouhg it 3am anmd im tired andm drunk.

 

[stilleto]

You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.

I would have liked to have met your dad, stoned in front of the supreme court, that's something alright.

Maybe the only reason for your dad's life is to teach YOU a lesson?

You seem to have a pretty good handle on your own life, plus looking after his responsibilities, so I'd say you have learnt whatever lesson there was in your dad's life and untimely departure.



b0und (I wish my family was as interesting, but no.....)

thanks.... that was cool.
i'm locking my little emotional breakdown. a good night of sleep helped.

 

[stilleto]

btw, thanks to those who sent me some really super messages. you guys are good friends and they helped me last night.