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at my father.
for dying.
i'm mad that he had to die when he wasn't working, wasn't speaking to me, wasn't setting any rules for his boys, wasn't making up for the years he was in prison. I'm mad that he held ME accountable for my mom being on the run and couldn't ever QUITE let it go, and then the only thing he DID leave me were twins I didn't know and couldn't take care of and a million social workers trying to convince me otherwise.
I'm mad that I have had to deal with the guilt of only taking in one of the twins, of having a half brother I barely know and can't relate to. I'm mad that after I decided to only have 2 kids, my dead, perpetually stoned, super creative and artistic, genius, amazing father leaves me with two more because at 59 he still couldn't grow up.
I'm mad that my house is filled with his stuff he's collected from around the world and I both love it all and hate it all and i'm mad that my brother thinks he's taking any of it when he leaves. I'm mad that he left me with his legend and any time i do ANYTHING devious, i hear "like father like daughter, eh?" while i'm busy driving his son around, cooking, cleaning, shopping, caring for, talking to, checking on. while i'm busy going to court and hiring lawyers and paying fees.
fuck.
sorry. its been a slightly overwhelming week with both of them here.
i'll probably re-read this in a few minutes and not feel any of it and delete the whole thread.
for dying.
i'm mad that he had to die when he wasn't working, wasn't speaking to me, wasn't setting any rules for his boys, wasn't making up for the years he was in prison. I'm mad that he held ME accountable for my mom being on the run and couldn't ever QUITE let it go, and then the only thing he DID leave me were twins I didn't know and couldn't take care of and a million social workers trying to convince me otherwise.
I'm mad that I have had to deal with the guilt of only taking in one of the twins, of having a half brother I barely know and can't relate to. I'm mad that after I decided to only have 2 kids, my dead, perpetually stoned, super creative and artistic, genius, amazing father leaves me with two more because at 59 he still couldn't grow up.
I'm mad that my house is filled with his stuff he's collected from around the world and I both love it all and hate it all and i'm mad that my brother thinks he's taking any of it when he leaves. I'm mad that he left me with his legend and any time i do ANYTHING devious, i hear "like father like daughter, eh?" while i'm busy driving his son around, cooking, cleaning, shopping, caring for, talking to, checking on. while i'm busy going to court and hiring lawyers and paying fees.
fuck.
sorry. its been a slightly overwhelming week with both of them here.
i'll probably re-read this in a few minutes and not feel any of it and delete the whole thread.
