How to get myself fired

[ponyfitness]

So my job search went well. Got two offers at the end of last week, both a step up from where I was and signed one yesterday with a start date of April 15th. Yay me.

Here's the hitch - when I signed on with my current company they gave me a "signing bonus" (a draw to actually be able to pay your bills) for the first six months which amounts to $6000. The stipulation being that if I leave before two years is up I have to pay it back. However, if I am terminated I don't have to because it is involuntary.

So I need to get fired. I was thinking about just not coming in for a week (worked for another guy) but was hoping to get a little more creative, however I don't want to get in any potential trouble for sexual harassment or downloading tons of porn onto my company laptop or anything like that. And believe it or not, it is HARD to get fired from this company. There is a guy on my team who hasn't hit quota in a year and he still has his job (equipment B2B sales).

Creative ideas or should I just stop showing up? My one friend on my team wants to get a pool going as to how many days I can not show up and they still don't dismiss me.

I'm not going back to the industry so I'm not concerned about burning bridges.

 

[canadianhitman]

miss some days
come in looking dishevelled when you do get back
get into a heated altercation with a co-worker (preferably one that's a friend and in on the ruse so you don't have someone trying to sue you over it)
show up in better shape the next day, but the day after that, come in looking sloppy
miss a few more days
come in looking like hell, be a total prick, and have another argument
have the friend complain to the HR guy after both incidents

they'll probably assume you're drinking or have a drug problem and will be happy to fire you before you 'snap' and hurt someone

 

[nimbus]

try to bang your boss' wife. like every day call her up, maybe stalk her a lil bit. just be super persistent

im not even kidding. it's not illegal, but he'll totally fire you. and you might even get to bone her

 

[Razorguns]

Guess ur a big fan of not getting UI huh.

r

 

[puddlemonkey]

guess ur a big fan of not getting ui huh.

R

ui?

 

[Razorguns]

Oh wait, you have another job lined up.

Use up all your vacation days, then after your payday, quit.

That way they have nothing in balance to send you, which they can deduct from your $6k. After that, they have to sue you inc ourt to get - which they won't.

r

 

[ponyfitness]

Oh wait, you have another job lined up.

Use up all your vacation days, then after your payday, quit.

That way they have nothing in balance to send you, which they can deduct from your $6k. After that, they have to sue you inc ourt to get - which they won't.

r

I thought about that, plus my father is a lawyer so I don't have to worry about potential legal fees but it seems like a potential hassle down the road.

Good ideas so far although I only have about two weeks to get this done so it needs to be a little faster. I have never seen a pic of my bosses wife so I don't want to go after a fatty unless I absolutely have to.

My one friend is a hawt blonde who would probably complain to HR that I sexually harassed her but I don't want her to have to do that and put a spotlight on herself. What if I just snap and tell my manager off - or maybe my regional manager?

 

[ponyfitness]

Guess ur a big fan of not getting UI huh.

r

Oh, and in Canada we get UI (called EI here) if we get terminated - but not if we leave a job voluntarily. Weird I know.

 

[Razorguns]

I thought about that, plus my father is a lawyer so I don't have to worry about potential legal fees but it seems like a potential hassle down the road.

Good ideas so far although I only have about two weeks to get this done so it needs to be a little faster. I have never seen a pic of my bosses wife so I don't want to go after a fatty unless I absolutely have to.

My one friend is a hawt blonde who would probably complain to HR that I sexually harassed her but I don't want her to have to do that and put a spotlight on herself. What if I just snap and tell my manager off - or maybe my regional manager?

rent office space.

Just call one day and say your back is sore. Then never go back. Tell a co-workers to 'hint hint' tell them that you're medically not good enough to work. Whatever medically means is none of their business since you're not goign for workmans comp.

r

 

[musclemom]

Wait a minute, you get this signing bonus, they put in a stipulation that if you voluntarily leave you have to pay it back, but if they terminate you, you get to keep it, and they don't have any stipulations on certain REASONS for termination that would invalidate that agreement?

Fuck not showing up, just come to work with booze and get drunk on the job.