Homer Speaks

[Natymike]

Marge: We'd better stop and get the car washed.
Homer: Eh, what's the rush. It might rain next week.
Lenny: [driving alongside Homer's car] Hey, Homer. Car's kinda dirty.
Homer: Really? Think I should get it washed?
Lenny: Yeah, maybe. [he pulls away, and Homer pulls into a car wash]
Marge: You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me.
Homer: [not listening] Hey, that's great.

This thread is awesome.

 

[Hannibal]

"Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?"

 

[Stumpy (The Fucking dumbass Piece of Shit!)]

Ryan, this one is for you.

Marge: I'm very sorry you feel that way, because John invited us all out for a drive today, and we're going.
Homer: Woah-ho-ho, not me! And not because John's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should at least have the good taste to mince around and let everyone know that he's... that way.
Marge: What on Earth are you talking about?
Homer: You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fa-laming.

 

[Stumpy (The Fucking dumbass Piece of Shit!)]

John: Homer, what have you got against gays?
Homer: You know! It's not... usual. If there was a law, it'd be against it!
Marge: Oh Homer, please! You're embarrassing yourself.
Homer: No I'm not, Marge! They're embarrasing me. They're embarrassing America. They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!! Well I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son!

 

[Stumpy (The Fucking dumbass Piece of Shit!)]

Barney: Today, you're gonna be a man, Bart.
Bart: You guys going to teach me to drive?
Moe: [to Barney] Oh, yeah, let a twinkle-toes drive Betsy. Right.
Homer: [chuckling nervously] No, boy. You can't drive. You're only ten. You're going hunting.
Moe: You ever been hunting before, there, Barty?
Bart: Nope. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods... seems kinda gay.
[awkward silence]
Homer: That is a very immature attitude, young man.

 

[Rex]

Homer: Marge I need to do a good deed to get into Heaven.
Marge: Well theres a list of chores to be done. You can clean the garage...
Homer: I'm just trying to get in; I'm not running for Jesus.

Homer: I did the good deed let me in.
St Peter: I'm sorry I wasn't looking.
Homer: Hey I thought you guys seen everything.
St Peter: No you're thinking of Santa Claus.

 

[Rex]

The Simpsons episode when the dolphins take over is on!!!!!

 

[ShadowKnight]

Didn't want the thread to die . . .

Homer singing: Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. We built this city on rock-n-roll...something something wayyyyy!!!!

There's nothing to worry about kids. The meteor will probably burn up into a little rock no bigger than the size of a chihauhau's head. And if I'm wrong, then may we all die a horrible burning death.

All of the get-rich-quick schemes didn't work. But this one is sure to get me rich...and quick!

Marge, you know me. I can't even say the word 'Titmouse' without giggling like a little schoolgirl hee-hee hee-hee hee-hee

Operator! Quick, give me the number to 911!! (can't remember if that one has been posted yet)

SK

 

[Lao Tzu]

Homer after returning from a local talent competition that ended in a riot:" Lisa look! I got second prize!"

Lisa: "You won second prize Dad?"

Homer: "No, but I got it!"

homer: stealing is wrong



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gunstore owner: i can't sell you a gun for 5 days

homer: 5 days? but i'm mad now

(gunstore owner takes his revolver away)

homer: i'd kill you if i had my gun

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the episode where homer's liver is telling him not to drink anymore, and he gets pissed and punches himself in the stomach and goes 'ow, my liver'. i can't remember the line but that was good.

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[DcupSheepNipples]

Alright brain, you don't like me and i don't like you, so let's just do this thing and I'll go back to killing you with beer.
- Homer, In TV Shows/The Simpsons