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smallmovesal
New member
I would like to take this opportunity to apply for an evangelical position with the Church of Latter Day Saints.
I've long been an admirer of Mormons going door-to-door trying to force their religious beliefs on people just returning from work. While not having recent experience going door to door forcing my religious beliefs on anyone, as a youth I did sell thirty-five boxes of peanuts, good enough for second place in the Cub Scout Troop 33 peanut sell-athon. That didn't happen by accident. In fact, this is where I first cultivated my aggressive sales approach of not taking no for an answer. I had a revelation after forcing an elderly women to buy ten boxes by physically threatening her. This approach works and my Bobcat Badge is living proof. In fact I still wear my Cub scout uniform around as a daily reminder that a little intimidation can go a long way towards selling peanuts, religious conversions, or what have you.
Let me put my approach to work for you. I'll be very deceptive at first. I'll wear clean pressed shirts and ride my bike round, ringing my bell. Ding-ding! Yield for God's messenger! I'll wave to motorists and say, "Bless you" when people sneeze. But once I get inside people's houses, it'll be a different story. I won't think twice about interrupting people's dinners, and I'd use forcible entry if not invited in. People are going to believe in God the way I believe in God or somebody's gonna get a broken face. If people refuse to yield to my religious instructions, I'll lay my signature tag line on them - grabbing them by the collar and growling, "I'll see you in hell" in their ear. I won't leave either, and I'll be willing to break some of their stuff. If I was ever interrogated by local authorities, who are they going to believe, some stupid Christian or me, God's instrument?
I have long been a supporter of the Utah Jazz and I think Steve Young is positively dreamy. But don't get me wrong, I'm not that way. In fact, I think homosexuals are going to suffer eternal damnation. I have to say though, that the thing about Mormonism that really intrigues me is the polygamy. I'd love to sleep with a lot of women and have it not be a sin. That would be awesome. I'd like one of them to be Marie Osmond. You can bet that she'd be a little bit country after I got done jamming her. She'll find out what a "missionary position" is, believe you me. It's also my understanding that Mormons can have multiple lives, but I'll need to see that in writing as part of my offer letter.
Do I sound like the type of person you would like traveling from door-to-door as a representative of your Church? I hope so. Don't risk the fires of Hell by turning me away. I know where Salt Lake City is. I have maps. Go BYU!
Sincerely,
decem
I've long been an admirer of Mormons going door-to-door trying to force their religious beliefs on people just returning from work. While not having recent experience going door to door forcing my religious beliefs on anyone, as a youth I did sell thirty-five boxes of peanuts, good enough for second place in the Cub Scout Troop 33 peanut sell-athon. That didn't happen by accident. In fact, this is where I first cultivated my aggressive sales approach of not taking no for an answer. I had a revelation after forcing an elderly women to buy ten boxes by physically threatening her. This approach works and my Bobcat Badge is living proof. In fact I still wear my Cub scout uniform around as a daily reminder that a little intimidation can go a long way towards selling peanuts, religious conversions, or what have you.
Let me put my approach to work for you. I'll be very deceptive at first. I'll wear clean pressed shirts and ride my bike round, ringing my bell. Ding-ding! Yield for God's messenger! I'll wave to motorists and say, "Bless you" when people sneeze. But once I get inside people's houses, it'll be a different story. I won't think twice about interrupting people's dinners, and I'd use forcible entry if not invited in. People are going to believe in God the way I believe in God or somebody's gonna get a broken face. If people refuse to yield to my religious instructions, I'll lay my signature tag line on them - grabbing them by the collar and growling, "I'll see you in hell" in their ear. I won't leave either, and I'll be willing to break some of their stuff. If I was ever interrogated by local authorities, who are they going to believe, some stupid Christian or me, God's instrument?
I have long been a supporter of the Utah Jazz and I think Steve Young is positively dreamy. But don't get me wrong, I'm not that way. In fact, I think homosexuals are going to suffer eternal damnation. I have to say though, that the thing about Mormonism that really intrigues me is the polygamy. I'd love to sleep with a lot of women and have it not be a sin. That would be awesome. I'd like one of them to be Marie Osmond. You can bet that she'd be a little bit country after I got done jamming her. She'll find out what a "missionary position" is, believe you me. It's also my understanding that Mormons can have multiple lives, but I'll need to see that in writing as part of my offer letter.
Do I sound like the type of person you would like traveling from door-to-door as a representative of your Church? I hope so. Don't risk the fires of Hell by turning me away. I know where Salt Lake City is. I have maps. Go BYU!
Sincerely,
decem
