help with personal statement for college

[B0ARDIN087]

heres my first rough rough draft, i like where its going but it has some holes and such, i would like to talk about the temptations in more detail but dont know how to put it, ANY help is very very greatly appreciated. I will hit with K.

Please choose one of the commitments that you listed in the Activities section (activity, interest, or work experience) and provide a short description of its importance to you. Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student experience at Penn State.


Three hundred and fifty pounds is nearly twice my bodyweight, yet I pull with all my might struggling to lift it off the ground. At the top of the brutal ascent I thrust my hip forward to complete the ascent. I complete the lift known as a deadlift by descending the weight to the ground. This lift is one of the key parts of my bodybuilding training regimen. No other activity that I have ever participated in requires as much devotion and self discipline as bodybuilding. The physical and mental strains that go on inside and outside the gyms are a constant struggle. Bodybuilding requires strict dieting, rigorous training and a healthy lifestyle. There are constant temptations in my life that would interfere with my training. These same temptations will be present in my tenure at your university, except here these temptations could interfere with something much more important then bodybuilding, my schoolwork. I feel as if the constant test of my self discipline presented by my sport, has more then prepared me for the rigorous studying and course load that I will be assigned at Penn State University.

 

[PIGEON-RAT]

might want to choose something less sexual than the hip thrust

 

[PIGEON-RAT]

You don't talk about the temptations enough either. You mention them and say they might interfere with your schoolwork, but you should really confirm without a doubt that you can shrug them off. Don't leave it to the last sentence, say how bodybuilding has taught you discipline and dedication that also transfers to other endeavours such as your studies or whatever else you like.

I know that's pretty much what you're saying, but you should rephrase it so that your message is clearer.

Try something after the healthy lifestyle part like: "All of these elements are essential for success in bodybuilding, yet I face tremendous temptation to break my commitment to them. Staying committed to the lifestyle has implanted the true meaning of dedication and discpline into my mind. I have learned to apply this same sense of discipline to other aspects of my life and I am certain the benefit of this application will be apparent in my academic pursuits at Penn State University."

But that's just some inspiration, and nothing more. Put your own thoughts down and say it in a way that reflects what it means to you. Don't use what I wrote or I'll kill ya.

 

[B0ARDIN087]

fuck you pigeon why are u the amazing writer!

 

[B0ARDIN087]

i could use some help on the rephrasing of the first part

 

[PIGEON-RAT]

that's not amazing writing. it's just true for me too, because the discipline i've personally learned has only made my life better.

so just write what you mean, don't try and write what you think they want to hear, and it will work out.

try listing the specific points you want to address in this little paragraph, then rewrite it and link them together.

the first part is a little disjointed from the rest. you're talking about the deadlift motion, then you go into the dedication part. if you still want to incorporate the deadlift, don't focus so much on the motion, but talk about the difficulty and strain involved, because you can still tie that into your sense of dedication.

just think it all out before you start writing again and it will come together. read it back to yourself out loud and decide if it really flows.

 

[B0ARDIN087]

that's not amazing writing. it's just true for me too, because the discipline i've personally learned has only made my life better.

so just write what you mean, don't try and write what you think they want to hear, and it will work out.

try listing the specific points you want to address in this little paragraph, then rewrite it and link them together.

the first part is a little disjointed from the rest. you're talking about the deadlift motion, then you go into the dedication part. if you still want to incorporate the deadlift, don't focus so much on the motion, but talk about the difficulty and strain involved, because you can still tie that into your sense of dedication.

just think it all out before you start writing again and it will come together. read it back to yourself out loud and decide if it really flows.

i think the deadlift part is good hook but i need some help with it... any idears?

 

[p0ink]

i remeber when i used to think lifting was hardwork...

 

[samoth]

Post your essay over at the collegeconfidential.com discussion boards. I've found them to be a great help with this kind of stuff.

PSU is a solid school. I've been looking into this school as a transfer. Are you going to the UP campus?

 

[Robert Jan]

It really sounds like you plan to be a studying hermit in this Uni