Has THIS Happened To You

[PlateheadJim]

It's a damn soap operah - I think I need to write a fucking book and make some $$ on this story:

13 years ago I dumped my ex-girlfriend (who I was seeing on the side) for my current wife - I had always wished I hadn't

2 months ago, my ex and I magically start talking/emailing on the internet........ She's married too.

1 month ago things get serious as far as the talking

2 weeks ago I start driving to where she lives, staying in a hotel, and seeing her physically... She still looks like a model... (she was a model)

Now we are talking seriously about divorcing our spouses and getting back together... Go figure that one.

 

[The Shadow]

...the greener grass metaphor come to mind....13 years is a long time.....I'm sure you and your ex and your wife are not the same people you once were....sometimes you grow together sometimes you grow apart...if you and the wife were doing good b-4 this...maybe you should re-consider your actions.

 

[Boach]

Marriage is not taken as heavily as it should, these days. You made a very very very big committment and to throw it away to someone you vowed to love for the rest of your life over something that seems trivial, seems to me, to be a bit immoral to say the least. It also seems you're accepting that fact that you are second place. All else failed for your ex and now she's come crawling back.

However, if you do some soul searching and realize, deep down, that the ex is your true love, you owe it to your current wife to be honest and tell her the truth and end it before you waste her time and any chances of finding someone who's faithful in their heart as she is likely to you. She deserves that much.

Good luck, either way.

 

[fistfullofsteel]

that's fucked up that you are cheating on your wife. really fucked up.

 

[PlateheadJim]

...the greener grass metaphor come to mind....13 years is a long time.....I'm sure you and your ex and your wife are not the same people you once were....sometimes you grow together sometimes you grow apart...if you and the wife were doing good b-4 this...maybe you should re-consider your actions.

True... But it seems so damn green on her side! We have a lot in common and in actuality the reason I dumped her in the first place was of insecurity on my part.. Dating a model is not easy.. Now I've grown up, so has she but the connection is still there.

 

[spongebob]

like sand through an hour glass, so are the days of our lives.

 

[CrimsonKing]

Do either of you have children?

 

[TEXgrl]

of coarse the grass is greener on her side. she doesn't have to deal with any of the day to day problems that you deal with living with your spouse. she's only going to let you see the good parts when she is with you.

cheating sucks. how would you feel if your wife were cheating with an ex?

 

[the nature boy]

a relationship formed by cheating usually doesn't stand a chance IMO.

 

[HighIntensity]

But you still have to respect your current sit. and this is not...

 

[beastboy]

Are you sure you're not just fascinated with being with a "model".....?

 

[PlateheadJim]

No children and NO, it's not that she was a model (and still looks like one).. I'll admit I went out with her initially because she could make most guys blow their load just by winking - BUT we where in synch on all levels as well. To give more detail, while I was seeing her - 13 years ago - I was living with my current wife, bullshitting both of them.

I ended up deciding, and out of pure fear, I went with who I was less attached to - go figure that one. It's not an uncommon situation though, many guys choose 2nd or 3rd best because they don't want to be in a vulnerable position with someone that really makes your clock turn! It's just that in most cases, you don't magically get a second chance!

She did the same after I burned her, went with a "settled" guy that she could depend on but wasn't really excited about.. That's not working for her either. So flame all you want but that's how it is - She's sort of like a Nuclear Bomb, she comes in and blows everything away..

 

[THeMaCHinE]

i'm really, really sorry to hear this.

you're fooling yourself -- in the worst of ways. you're in the process of making the biggest mistake of your life. fix your marriage now before it's too late.

fuckit. nevermind.

who knows, maybe you'll be one of the lucky 33 percent that don't divorce second time around. then again, your seriously considering entering a relationship based on the fantasy of detachment from real life -- as a person who is cheating on the person they vowed everything in the world to, with a person that is cheating on the person she vowed everything in the world to. including compete HONESTY and FIDELITY. in good and BAD times.

how hard of times have you gone through with your current wife? now apply that to a marriage that starts out this way... think it'll last, or do you think she might cheat on you someday? do you think it would be easier to end a relationship after you've already done it once than to stick it out once it gets hard? hmmmm... nah, probably not, right?

well, if nothing else, you'll have a nice six months with her (that's the average life that relationships based on affairs last after they are exposed the the light of day).


P.S.
you should click on the link in my sig. read the infidelity sections.

P.S.S.
tell your wife. now. it's cowardly not to.

but nevermind, you're not doing anything for anybody but yourself right now anyway.

you're a smart guy, i hope you figure a way out of this. i hope you find a way to rediscover the reason you married your wife and stuck with her for 13 years.

 

[alphaxi]

I gotta agree with Boach on this one...Marriage is not taken seriously at all these days..people seem to get married so quickly and then use divorce as a "fix" to any problem they might encounter...whatever happened to until death do us part? or for better or for worse?

How would YOU feel if your wife was doing all of this? You made a lifelong commitment to her...I think that you should try your best to keep that promise...but that is just my opinion.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do..

 

[Lifter4Life]

CHEATERS SUCK. Grow up!

 

[vinylgroover]

Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.

Having said that, i sincerely hope that if and when i make a commitment to marriage, that i will treat the institution of marriage and my partner with more respect than platehead is showing his.

 

[fistfullofsteel]

of coarse the grass is greener on her side.

not if i had you, the grass could never be greener, but you are married so i can only think in "only if" we will always have George Spellwin's Internet Discussion Boards though.

 

[Warik]

No offense man, but people who exemplify "shit for brains" like you and your ex seriously should not legally be able to marry or breed.

What kind of stupid shit is this?

You're going to leave your wife of 13+ years for someone you haven't seen in 13 years, since you decided to stop cheating on your wife of 13+ years, who is also going to leave her husband for someone SHE hasn't seen in 13 years, and.... shit, I can't even continue.

Leave them both and go live in the woods somewhere - you'll cause less damage that way. Thank God you don't have kids.

-Warik

 

[RADAR]

This sucks!!!! Sometimes under all that green grass,theres a septic tank!!!! RADAR

 

[PlateheadJim]

No offense man, but people who exemplify "shit for brains" like you and your ex seriously should not legally be able to marry or breed.

What kind of stupid shit is this?

You're going to leave your wife of 13+ years for someone you haven't seen in 13 years, since you decided to stop cheating on your wife of 13+ years, who is also going to leave her husband for someone SHE hasn't seen in 13 years, and.... shit, I can't even continue.

Leave them both and go live in the woods somewhere - you'll cause less damage that way. Thank God you don't have kids.

-Warik

No offense? I'm amazed at how you've become the expert based on very little info... Kind of like jack asses that look down on steroids in the media.

Yeah, that's right - leave her after 13 years - you got it - If I had kids.. That would be differen't. The bottom line is if you're not happy and there is someone out there that really connects with you don't be a pussy and just say "Oh, well.. I've put in all this time in our marriage and I guess I'll just stay in it because that's what pussies do ..." NO, FUCK NO.. If you don't like something, can't work it out (I've tried) and have somebody that makes you feel like nobody else - fuck it! Be a man and leave.

Oh, yes my wife DOES know what's going on - I haven't kept any information from her and I've told her what I'm thinking about doing.

 

[fistfullofsteel]

no offense but you sound like a real fuck up. enjoy your new life and don't worry because you are bound to do it again.

 

[-SD-]

No offense? I'm amazed at how you've become the expert based on very little info... Kind of like jack asses that look down on steroids in the media.

Yeah, that's right - leave her after 13 years - you got it - If I had kids.. That would be differen't. The bottom line is if you're not happy and there is someone out there that really connects with you don't be a pussy and just say "Oh, well.. I've put in all this time in our marriage and I guess I'll just stay in it because that's what pussies do ..." NO, FUCK NO.. If you don't like something, can't work it out (I've tried) and have somebody that makes you feel like nobody else - fuck it! Be a man and leave.

Oh, yes my wife DOES know what's going on - I haven't kept any information from her and I've told her what I'm thinking about doing.

With an issue this black and white, no "details" are required. You are cheating on your wife, the other girl is cheating on her husband. The key here is that if each of you leaves your spouses and you get married or something, you think it will last, when in reality your new life together will be bourne out of infedility to begin with. Hope that makes sense.
You are being a coward precisely because of the ease with which you are able to walk away from your marriage. All youve spoken of is how hot the other woman is and how you are googoo-eyed over her. Now I dont know whose more at fault for your marriage not working, but Im willing to guess the majority is your fault based on the casuallness you post about leaving your wife on the internet.

 

[theoak01]

that's fucked up that you are cheating on your wife. really fucked up.

i agree

its just not right,leave first if you want someone else

 

[PlateheadJim]

Apparently there is some confusion here: Yes, I have tried to work things out BEFORE any of this has ever occurred..

There's been a lot of friction for years. And NO it doesn't take a Man to stick with something that just isn't working, it takes a . That's what I've been and that's my own damn fault. The bottom line is this girl, which is more than just something nice to look at, has given me incentive to do what I've been too cowardly to do all along.

It's easier to keep things the same and go on like a robot, change requires pain and hell. Will it work out between me and her? Who the fuck knows.. But this is far from the only reason why I'm looking at divorce. A piece of ass on the side does not cause me to drop my wife and go through the shit that I'm going through.

 

[THeMaCHinE]

Apparently there is some confusion here: Yes, I have tried to work things out BEFORE any of this has ever occurred..

There's been a lot of friction for years. And NO it doesn't take a Man to stick with something that just isn't working, it takes a . That's what I've been and that's my own damn fault. The bottom line is this girl, which is more than just something nice to look at, has given me incentive to do what I've been too cowardly to do all along.

It's easier to keep things the same and go on like a robot, change requires pain and hell. Will it work out between me and her? Who the fuck knows.. But this is far from the only reason why I'm looking at divorce. A piece of ass on the side does not cause me to drop my wife and go through the shit that I'm going through.

OK then, let's discard reality here and ask a question: If you had the chance to have a fabulous relationship with your wife, fall back in love with her and be the most fulfilled you ever have, would you take it?

 

[THeMaCHinE]

Also, you keep talking pussy this, pussy that -- surely on some level you realize that you are rationalizing, providing a justification for your behavior -- nobody wants to think they are in the wrong, even if they acknowledge that they've done something wrong.

By proclaiming that it is somehow pussy to do the honorable thing and stay committed to your wife, you are bolstering yourself up to justify breaking your failing marriage off. Well, it's not pussy to stick with your wife, it's the right thing to do. There was a reason you married her, and if you two came through this, there's a chance that you could be the strongest you have ever.

To me, it's pussy to cheat on your wife, keep stringing the decaying relationship on while you are having the affair, justify leaving your wife for the purely selfish reason of your personal hapiness. To me, it's pussy to say you are leaving your wife because you always wanted to and then jumping into the arms of another woman immediately. If you really were'nt leaving your wife for the girl you are screwing on the side, then you wouldn't be seeing anyone. You'd divorce, take a year to get your shit together and develop an independent, self-reliant you and then start dating. At least be real with yourself.

What about her happiness, what about the REAL hapiness that comes from a mutually reciprocal relationship with your wife. Look what she's going through for you.

You've been with her for 13 years. Would another 6 months be so bad if you could find a way to work it out with her?

Also, many cheaters will try to justify their actions by claiming they never should have been married to their mate in the first place. Again, a rationalization to excuse their behavior. I notice this in your posts as well.

You claim that you have tried to work it out with her before, care to provide details?

If you haven't (at minimum):
Been to individual counseling (both of you)
Been to marriage counseling together
Read every book on marriage you can get your hands on
Clicked the link in my sig
Been to a marriage retreat

Then you haven't really tried to work it out. Although saying that you've done so makes you feel good and provides further justification for your behavior.

 

[PlateheadJim]

Been There - Done That

Yes, I have strongly suggested marriage counseling, and have gone out of my way the last couple of years. It's kind of like the post from Cornholio - Make her want you... Or don't be a chump. I've worked hard at this, most of the comprimise has been on my side, not hers.

The funny thing is, now that she knows it may be over she's now trying out of fear.

 

[THeMaCHinE]

Re: Been There - Done That

The funny thing is, now that she knows it may be over she's now trying out of fear.

That's a perfectly normal response; but instead of thinking of it as just blanket fear, you might consider that she actually does love you...

She may not have realized how bad things were until now. And now that she does, she may be changing some of her ways, or at least looking for ways to do so. The fact that she's still with you, swallowing her fear and pride, is testament to the power of love that she has for you -- don't throw that away.

You mentioned that you had suggested counseling. That is far from actually doing anything to save your marriage. To date, you haven't done anything but talk -- obviously ineffectively at that.

You both should get into individual counseling (her especially right now -- the seams of her world are coming apart); after a little while in that, try marriage counseling together; you should also consider the marriagebuilders weekend.

Don't you think that somewhere, down the line, you will feel better about yourself if you truly know that you did EVERYTHING in your power to try to save the relationship? We all die someday... what will you wish you would have done?

I sincerely hope you ACTUALLY try to save your marriage.

If nothing else, do this favor for me, for your wife. Buy your wife some books to read. Tell them that somebody that cares wanted you to do it for her. Better yet, just set them on the coffee table and let her find them. It may help her and I'm sure that somewhere, you want to help her a little bit, right?

LOVE MUST BE TOUGH, James Dobson
SURVIVING AN AFFAIR, William F. Harley, Jr.
RELATIONSHIP RESCUE, Dr. Phil McGraw

and finally,
Introduce her to the site in my sig. www.marriagebuilders.com -- it will go a long, long way in comforting her... (since she has no one to comfort her as you do).

Perhaps these books/resources will offer your wife some comfort that you are unable to right now. Please, at least do that.

 

[PlateheadJim]

Re: Re: Been There - Done That

That's a perfectly normal response; but instead of thinking of it as just blanket fear, you might consider that she actually does love you...

She may not have realized how bad things were until now. And now that she does, she may be changing some of her ways, or at least looking for ways to do so. The fact that she's still with you, swallowing her fear and pride, is testament to the power of love that she has for you -- don't throw that away.

You mentioned that you had suggested counseling. That is far from actually doing anything to save your marriage. To date, you haven't done anything but talk -- obviously ineffectively at that.

You both should get into individual counseling (her especially right now -- the seams of her world are coming apart); after a little while in that, try marriage counseling together; you should also consider the marriagebuilders weekend.

Don't you think that somewhere, down the line, you will feel better about yourself if you truly know that you did EVERYTHING in your power to try to save the relationship? We all die someday... what will you wish you would have done?

I sincerely hope you ACTUALLY try to save your marriage.

If nothing else, do this favor for me, for your wife. Buy your wife some books to read. Tell them that somebody that cares wanted you to do it for her. Better yet, just set them on the coffee table and let her find them. It may help her and I'm sure that somewhere, you want to help her a little bit, right?

LOVE MUST BE TOUGH, James Dobson
SURVIVING AN AFFAIR, William F. Harley, Jr.
RELATIONSHIP RESCUE, Dr. Phil McGraw

and finally,
Introduce her to the site in my sig. www.marriagebuilders.com -- it will go a long, long way in comforting her... (since she has no one to comfort her as you do).

Perhaps these books/resources will offer your wife some comfort that you are unable to right now. Please, at least do that.

Thanks for the advice - I'm going to have to sort this out some more...

 

[THeMaCHinE]

Re: Re: Re: Been There - Done That

Thanks for the advice - I'm going to have to sort this out some more...

Taking some time to sort it out is a great idea. Don't let the new, exciting, forbidden girl get in the way of that either -- you of all people know, that newness, excitement and glamour wears off as soon as you have to start paying bills together, washing the laundry, cleaning up the house, fighting over money, disagreeing over things, etc.

Please do get those books for your wife right now. They could literally save her life. (seriously, it is not uncommon for spouses to become suicidal over this type of situation -- these books would provide a welcome distraction and some answers to her questions) Well worth the $30 investment.

Turn her on to marriagebuilders.com too; and if you ever need to do some soul-searching spend some time over there. I have known people in the same situation as you that the site did a lot of good for.

Feel free to write me at my e-mail.

 

[Boach]

Machine, your heart is in the right place but your words are falling on deaf ears.

This man has already made his decision. I pity your poor wife, man. Good luck.

 

[THeMaCHinE]

Machine, your heart is in the right place but your words are falling on deaf ears.

This man has already made his decision. I pity your poor wife, man. Good luck.

I understand what you are saying, and believe me, the same thought crossed my mind. However, being the perpetual optimist that I am -- and giving some credit to PlateheadJim as a relatively intelligent guy in a tough, tough situation -- I guess I believe that drastic changes can happen -- that a little crack can let in a lot of light. I've seen it happen.

This whole thing is a charade; on some level he knows that, but it feels so good right now -- for the short term. What he doesn't realize is that there's a chance for it to feel better with his wife if they both do the work -- for a lifetime.

If nothing else, I'm really hoping he picks up the books for his wife. And questions a little further what he is doing and who he is.

 

[Texas Guns]

FLUSH!!!

You should have at least moved out or seperated before starting this affair.....at least out of some kind of respect for her, don't make her live with you while you are exploring this new relationship. It has got to be killing her just to lay next to you at night.

I promise there are more consequences to come. Sure, follow your heart, but carry a big stick and always look over your shoulder.