GV: I never would have made it. Look, let me tell you something. I have a ten second window. Either I shit or that's it. A year ago I was on vacation with my two children. We were at a smorgasbord when a shit bubble hit me. I told my kids to wait for me outside the bathroom in the parking lot. It was a race: what was going to happen? Either I was going to shit my pants or I was going to make it to the bowl.
So I get into a stall, and I'm wiggling back and forth doing a shit dance trying to get my pants off. I kind of bent over and it happened-I blasted! But I totally missed the toilet and I shit all over the feet of the guy in the stall next to me. He was an old man. I heard him scream, "Ahhhh!" and he punched the side of the stall. Boom! I said, "Jesus Christ, I'm sorry." It was like mud, diarrhea pudding. He jumped up out of the booth and was cursing me, "You son of a bitch!".
When I went outside my kids were like, "Dad, did you do something? A guy came running out of the bathroom cursing with no shoes or socks on." He had thrown his shoes and socks in the garbage. I told my son, Paul, "You're not going to believe it, I shit all over that guy's feet."