Family issues.. dead beat dads, relationships, etc...

[madbomber31]

my dad has given me all of 11 dollars in child support.. i remember buying a toy dragon with the cash, i thought it was the greatest thing that my mom gave me the check and let me do what i wanted with it... thats all i ever got from the guy... he owes the mom 20k still, should be more but the judge told her (20 plus years ago) if he isnt paying X amount why would he pay more? (so he kept the support super low)... anyway, his parents (my grandparents) always send me cards and ask to see me... i always was uncomfortable with this... this man's parents are nice, very nice people.. but they were his parents.. and i had nothing to do with him.... my grandparents were my moms parents...

so, each birthday and each holiday they send a card and ask to see me.. i invited them to my graduation (college) a few years ago... but i've never went out of my way to see them.. my mom gives me shit about it but it's my choice... i feel bad in a way but like i said, i'm not comfortable with it.. i barely know them, even if they are very kind people...

am i wrong to not see them? why? why not? how do i convey this message to them without hurting them? why must they send me checks? they get mad when i dont cash them so why send them? and then on my last b-day i get a card saying "we have a gift for you but would like to give it directly to you"... ok, this just pushed me further away, i'm an adult, i hate gifts from anyone!!! and to have a card saying that makes me think that they think i'm so petty that i'll show up for a fucking gift...

thoughts?

 

[madbomber31]

fyi, the dad also tried kidnapping me... vivid memories man....

that man needs to avoid me at all costs...

 

[A.R. DIAMOND]

TAKE THE MONEY AND SPEND IT LIKE WATER.....AT LEAST THATS WHAT I WOULD DO.........YOU NEVER KNOW,IF YOU ARE NICE YOU MAY BE INCLUDED IN THE WILL.......

 

[madbomber31]

you definitely missed the point here.. it's more about seeing them than anything...

 

[Pamela]

Grand Parents are from a different generation.
Most are brought up being in close family situation.

They probably feel bad that your Dad turn out the way he did.
And they may feel a bit responsible for that. That may be the
reason they send you cards and things.

Like you said "They are very nice people".
Just except the cards and send a Thank You card back.
You may even write in their, that you are not comfortable enough to come and
see them.. If they ask..
You may change your mind when you have kids.. You may want Great Grand Parents
to take your kids to see.

Pamela

 

[Bikini Mod]

We always knew that our father's family disliked us because they DIDN'T like our mother. Yet, every year my mother took us back to their country SHE INSISTED on taking us to visit them. WE HATED IT! and couldn't understand why she did it. Then when we returned my father would always ask if we saw his family. We said yes. (My mother always told us NOT to say mean things to our dad because it was, afterall HIS FAMILY.) But I could hear my mother telling him the truth. His family treated us LIKE SHIT because they didn't like our mother but I guess she felt obligated because it "was the proper thing to do".

I can see why she did it and I am glad that she did it. It hurt that MY MOTHER had to buy gifts for us for OUR GRANDMOTHER to give to us. Guess what that old bitch did? She would clutch the fucking candy that my mom bought for her to give to us IN HER FUCKING POCKET while going on and on about how much she loved us and what beautiful children we were and would cry crocodile tears over how she missed us so much because we were far away from her in america.

We saw first hand that what our mother told us was true - that these people though they were blood relatives were ASSHOLES.

This is the primary reason why I would NEVER EVER keep my childrden from thier father or his side of the family. I never EVER want to make martyrs out of a bunch of loser ASSHOLES. It is sad, because it hurts my children that they are treated a certain way "because of thier mother, the whore" but it is not my children's loss.... IT IS THEIRS!

My children already could care less about my ex's family and they are still young. And it truly is a shame....

I know that your grandparents might be nice people but I can see why you feel the way you do about them. I mean, how nice could they REALLY be if they brought their son, you father, up the way that they did? To deny your mother of support money FOR YOU just because he had an issue WITH HER. Why where THEY sending you checks when it was THEIR SON that made you? I know it is all about control. They figure if they throw a little cash or a present your way, then you WILL definitely come to them. I mean, isn't that what the child (you) wants anyway?

NO - children NEED money to live. BUT THEY WANT LOVE. Withholding support money shows THE LEAST amount of love that a parent can show for thier child.

I say FUCK THEM. I understand why you feel badly. I mean, it isn't like you are made of wood, but what exactly are you supposed to talk about with these people? " Thanks for being so nice and trying to make up for your son's obvious inability to be a man, but NO THANKS....?"

Men who deprive their children's mother of support are ALL LOSERS and should just shoot themselves in the head now to spare us all the stories about how their kids hate them and thier families because "thier bitch exwives" turned the kids against them.

yea.... ok

 

[TEXgrl]

your dad may have deserted you, but your grandparents haven't.....they want to see you, are making an effort to see you. your dad obviously made a decision not to be a father, your grandparents haven't gotton to choose, you have shut them out, possibly to punish them for your fathers sins. i would give them a chance if it were me. to punish them for how your dad acts is childish, in my opinion. they are not responsible for your dad's actions, he is a grown up.

 

[madbomber31]

first, i'm not taking anything out on them... hell, i dont even see my mom's side of the family except 1 time per year.

interesting thoughts i guess.. it seems like what i want or feel shouldnt matter here???

 

[toga22]

Madbomber, you have been through a very sad situation, yet have seemed to come out of it a strong person. For that you should have the uptmost pride in yourself and in your Mom.

As the others have said, your grandparents cannot be blamed for your father's actions. But I am sure that they have some understanding as to how it affects you. Send them a Christmas Card or a note, possibly with your picture, and include exactly what you said above....that you think they are very kind people, however they make you feel very uncomfortable. Not for anything that they have ever done, but as a result of the history you have had with your father...

Good Luck to you!!

 

[big4life]

You might want to try this. Sit down and write his parents a letter about what you feel and why. You don't even have to send it. You will be surprised at how much it will help to just get it all out of your system. Who knows, maybe after you write it you will want to see them. If you still don't want to see them, at least it might help you deal with it better.

Good luck.